The last time I went to Vegas it was for less than 48 hours, but man was it great. A raging weekend with plenty of cameos from my current and long-lost friends. This trip was a little different: I was going for a whole week (help me God) and I was allegedly there as a volenteer for the Mountain West Conference.
Spending a whole week in Sin City and trying to impress potential employers meant that I should probably work hard and take it easy at night, saving up my energy for a huge party the final night in town. But, c'mon, you know me better than that. I firmly beleive that only Allen Iverson can perform better the day after a bender than I, so of course I burned the candle on both ends. Here are some of the highlights and observations I picked up from a jam packed weekend.
-Has anyone ever had a Southwest flight take off on time? Because I haven't. The streak continued as I sat on the runway for over an hour waiting for my flight to take off. And I wasn't even drunk for it. I will never fly sober again. FUUUUUCCCKKKK
-Monday is the set-up day for the tournament but there really wasn't much to be done, so I spent my day playing with the four and eight year-old children of some fellow volenteers. It started as a game of catch with a volleyball and quickly devolved into a game of throw the ball at Sack's face. For the rest of the week I then had to watch out for the little child, Toni, trying to hit me whenever she saw me. Due to her roughly 3 ft size, this often resulted in her taking swings at my crotch. FUNNY EVERY TIME.
-When I checked into my hotel room I was asked if a Mrs. Edy Trey-vor would be staying with me. Edy did bail on the trip because he got a real person job, and I know his gf has his balls, but I don't know about the sex change?
-Everyone hates New Mexico fans, even other New Mexico fans. Those people are horrible. And ugly. Plus, the "Everyone's a Lobo, woof, woof, woof" cheer is more retarded than anything ever.
-I did tournament notes the first couple days which was all women's games and they set a ton of records. For missed shots and rebounds. Yep, women's basketball, it's FAAANNNNN-Tastic!
-For the second year in a row TCU takes home the award for hottest dance team. Man are they smoking. My TCU crush has been explored on this blog in the past, but man do I love TCU. And there dance coach, probably the hottest woman I have ever talked to. She asked me to find out when her team performed and I'm pretty sure that meant she wanted to bang me at center court. It was awesome. (I wrote a very detailed account of how this would have gone down, but you have to pay $3.99/day to subscribe to that page of the blog)
-There were 12 Canadian kids from some school in Ottowa who volunteered as well, and man were they entertaining. In the fact that I spent the entire week mocking their accents, asking them questions about being set adrift and explaining how fucking awesome America was compared to their bitch asses. They kept bringing up some Hawk-E sport that they apparently beat us at, but I had no idea what they were talking about.
The biggest difference I noticed between US and THEM was that we love Chipotle and they love donuts, Seriously, those fucking Canucks looked at Chipotle like it was a turd wrapped in foil. Fuck them, don’tchaknow?
Also, I asked them what are some well-known Canadian beers besides Molson and LaBatt's, and one of them tried to claim Coors. Fuck off, buddy.
-One of the nights we went to O'Sheas to play some beer pong, and I was fucking awful. I still won, but my skillz is deteriorating way too quickly now that I am old and gay. This trip convinced me I need to re-enroll in college because real life sucks.
The highlight of O'Sheas was this video game I started playing with some random people, that was basically memory match with porn pictures. "She is wearing a g-string in the first picture and a garter in the second." Winner! We made it through 20 rounds before I was pulled away to play more pong.
-There is nothing better in the world than being able to travel around with an open container everywhere. Whenever I wasn't "working" I had a beer in hand. Why can't the rest of America just give up on rules like Vegas?
-I was the CSU locker room steward during their near upset against SDSU, which means I had the fun job of making sure my boy Andy Ogide stayed in the locker room after getting kicked out and I got to commiserate with Coach Miles after another excruciating loss.
Other behind the scenes notes: Scotty Reynolds of Air Force thought he was going to be fired...Jimmer Fredette and Johnathan Tavernari do not like each other...New Mexico’s players are even bigger dicks than the fans, as Darrington (awesome name) Hobson kicked a trash can that hit his assistant SID and then proceed to tell HER to "Fuck off" as he ran from the locker room so he could avoid being interviewed. What a bitch ass son.
-I was able to check out the newest and trendiest club in Vegas, Haze. One of the volunteers, this girl from Minnesota, got us in and then managed to do what girls do in order to get us some free drinks.
The club was pretty cool with an entire wall of lights, but for such a big club it had a tiny ass dance floor. I also ran into several TCU players fresh off their elimination, including my Slavic brothers Zvonco Buljan and Edvinas Ruzgas. See, I told you TCU kicks ass.
While at the club I got cockblocked by some random white rappers because the girl I was dancing with thought they sucked.
Fortunetly I regrouped and managed to meet some lovely (read; big titted, loose morals) girls from West Virginia to spend the remainder of the evening with. I'm pretty sure they clung to me because I initially hit on them while with some random black dude that Minnesota had met, and we all know how racist people from West Virginia are. So this was one of those rare instances where racism favored the white guy. Who woulda thunk it?
The other girl that was feeling me the whole rip, well she was from Monument. Fitting, since all I do is creep on friends of my friends, that girls I meet in Vegas would have a connection to Edy.
-I was also the San Diego State locker room steward, and since they won the whole tournament I was able to spend a lot of quality time with their SIDs. I at least was offered an internship out of the deal. See, a reward for my hard work.
-On the final night Minnesota, myself, Monument and another volunteer from West Virginia (not connected with the WV girls, we'll call him Tom) went to Tao. There was supposed to be some free drink deal, but of course it was only for girls, so Tom and I mainlined $15 Vodkas for a bit and wandered. Though I went to Tao during my last stop in Vegas, I really remembered nothing of it. It is a giant fucking place with multiple stories, all of which I apparently missed the first time.
-We bounced from Tao shortly after our new British friends got in trouble for taking pictures of girls waiting in the line for the bathroom on the balcony above us (so directly upskirt, cheerio). We met up with all our Canadian friends at some random bar on the strip that featured the most intense DJ in history. He was basically the Travis Barker of the turntables, overdoing everything.
-Tom and I spent much of the evening giving people Manwhiches. It was very effective at scaring away creeper guys who wouldn't leave the girls we were with alone.
-At one point a girl got worried that her parents, that were flying to meet her in Vegas, hadn't called to check in. I googled "Las Vegas Plane Crash Die" on my phone and proudly showed her no results. I'm so sensitive.
-After we returned to the hotel and went to the hot tub, I decided that more beer was needed. I planned a quick trip up the hotel room, but as soon as I hit the lobby I misjudged my wetness and I packed shit, possibly suffering a concussion. Undeterred I continued on my pursuit of necessary alcohol and ran up to one of the Canadian's room to grab some beer. Up there, I spotted a bottle of wine and attempted to open it. With no opener I started grabbling random objects to try to jam the cork down to open. In the process I dropped one of the tall boy Coors Lights onto my toe, cutting it without my knowledge. I bled all over the bathroom for a while before I noticed. Sadly I never got the wine bottle open.
-For the second consecutive night we ended the night in the hottub watching the sunrise. Fortunately I was able to go home and sleep, but Tom had to rush to catch his 8 am flight back.
-I spent the next day wandering Vegas in a hungover/drunk stupor waiting for my evening flight, and when I finally got to the airport I found out that my flight delayed until at least 11pm. I managed to talk my way onto an earlier flight, which was sweet, until the pilot told us that our current plane had been delayed because a baggage cart had run into it and they needed to double-check everything. COMFORTING.
In addition there was some drunk ass lady who spent the entire flight home vomiting. At some point the smell was so bad that I kind of hoped the plane would crash. It didn't.
Man do I love Vegas, even if I will be trying to pay off this trip for about three months.
Showing posts with label San Diego State. Show all posts
Showing posts with label San Diego State. Show all posts
Monday, April 5, 2010
Monday, October 26, 2009
Weekend Sack-Up: I think DeMarco Sampson is still wide open
Somethings are better off not witnessed, like a murder or cakefarts (search it, I dare you. Thanks, btw, Ben Pollock for showing me this), and the second half of the CSU game Saturday was similar. I am glad I got to miss it, due to work.
Unfortunately, I was in proximity to a radio and after taking hours to figure out how it worked again (I must fiddle this nob and guess the station? What the fuck is an AM? Damn you magic music box!) I was able to listen to the final three quarters of the game. Yippee. Guess what is worse than witnessing someone getting stabbed to death? Just getting to listen to their screams. I wasn't there, and I am less afraid to ever watch any internet video suggested by a friend than to watch my Tivo'd recording of the game, but just by listening I can tell just how open DeMarco Sampson was. More open than than your favorite pornstar's orfices after TVTATM penetration. More open than the Goatse' asshole (again, I dare you). More open than IHOP. More open than the range.
Wide. Fucking. Open.
Oh well, I will address this game more in my Air Force preview (after I force myself to watch the game), but certainly the Rams pretty much need to upset Air Force if they want to have a successful (read: bowl) season. I don't think we will win our final three after losing six straight.
CSU aside, there were a few pleasant surprises this weekend. Let's look at those:
-The Avalanche are fucking awesome. Yes it early, and the hockey season is almost stupidly long (82 games, plus an early start due to the Olympics), but after 11 games the Avs lead the league with 18 points. This was supposed to be a rebuilding season, but behind stellar play from goalie Craig "Mr. Anderson" (an American, fuck yeah) the Burgundy and Blue are killing it this season.
Most importantly, the Avs have beaten the Gotdamn Red Wings twice, which is always nice. They are a fun team to watch play, attacking all over and featuring a ton of young players that are a blast to watch.
I am convinced that when Joe Sakic came to Nordiques, the front office cloned him and created someone to replace him when he retired. His name is Matt Duchene. And he is awesome. He hasn't scored much, only one goal and five assists, but this kid will soon be a star in Colorado, and would be around the nation if the NHL would promote him as much as that dead piece of wood Sidney Crosby. I really can't see wait to see how good he will be once he starts rolling and really learns the game. Becasue he is only 18. When I was 18 I was blacking out while drinking vodka every night. Now, I'm 23 and I only black out drinking vodka once a week. See, progress.
(I don't get the Crosby hype by the league. He is good, but Alex Ovechkin is the player for the NHL to market. He is flashy, hilarious, a leader, entertaining, goofy. He scores highlight-quality goals all the time. Crosby is a winner, but this is like the NBA marketing Tim Duncan all over the place to hype the league while putting LeBron on the backburner "until he becomes a winner." This is why the NHL struggles, they can't market their stars effectively. The product on the ice is great right now. Exciting hockey, limited commercials. There are fights but less of the thuggish play. Now make sure I see commercials with Overchkin scoring amaizing goals (maybe in slow motion with classical music like this, but instead an Iso camera on Overchkin...Chills. Seriously, just rip the NBA off) and then some where Ovi gets to show off his humor. Hockey players, most of them, are funny and would connect with an audience. Crosby isn't one, don't shove him down my throat)
While Duchene will be the Avs new star, his fellow rookie Ryan O'Rielly is actually out-performing him. Two guys, at 18-years old, leading a team on a remarkable turnaround. This would be huge news anywhere, but after one or two down seasons (and that pesky strike), fans and the Colorado media have forgotten about the Avalanche. Well wake the fuck up. The games are on Altitude, same channel as the Nuggs, and yes it is a whole new bunch of guys on the team since they won a cup, but that is how time works. People get old, and new guys replace them. You know that whole Denver Broncos story that everyone is getting a boner for, this Avs story is even more unlikely.
-The Nuggets are about to start. I thought they started last week. I was wrong. I am glad, because my preview was/is far from ready. I only have a picture of JR Smith. And not even a funny one implying he was cellmates with Plaxico or T.I.
They met up with the Lakers (in San Diego, which was news to me) and the two got physical. Apparently keeping up with the ugliest Kardashian is grating on Lamar Odom's nerves or maybe Birdman Andersen just stole some of Ole' Sweet Tooth's candy. Who knows, but I do know that K-Mart don't miss no trash-talking party. "FUCK YOU, ODOM! ASK KLHOE HOW MY ASS CANDY TASTE!" Too bad Dahntay Jones isn't around to battle Kobe any more. We need another expendable guy to get into a fight with him. Maybe that is Joey Graham's purpose?
-Jay Cutler continues to suck. Tossing up turnovers like a bakery. Yeah, I know El Neckbeard was lucky to beat Cincinnati, but did you even try to hold onto the football? Did you have too much SULK on your hands to throw it? I am pretty sure the Bears might want to trade you for JaMarcus. Or maybe you for the hot dog Mark Sanchez ate would be good. Fuck me, AJ probably just spent a grand at the titty bar because you depressed him so much.
I forgot to do a 6-0 picture last week, but it still rings true during the bye. Here we go:
Try #2:
-CU lost to Kansas State. Air Force came close vs. Utah. College football in Colorado is awesome.
-Yankees vs. Phillies. I am very glad that I don't have to hear from Angels or Doyer fans. Fuck you both. In this World Series I am rooting for rain and clouds of locust.
-In bouncing news, Phil Mickelson partied it up at my club on Thursday night. I was blissfully unaware, as I rarely pay attention to old, rich, white dudes in the club. They aren't really the troublemakers, yaknow.
On Sat. some fool from Digital Underground, Shock G, of 'Humpty Dance' fame sang a few songs. One of his entourage tried to sell me weed. I politely declined.
I also love getting to stay up until five or six in the morning and not feeling like a waste of space. Last week Boyle woke up to go to work at like 5:45 and I was up drinking a beer and watching '30 Rock.' Bet he felt like a waste of ass going to work, while I slept.
Failure? I also introduced myself to everyone by blacking out on Grey Goose at the Hard Rock, dancing with some very attractive cocktail waitresses, chugging vodka instead of champagne later and getting asked to leave the club. Allegedly. My boss did say he was impressed that I was not an angry drunk, so I've got that going for me.
I remember none of this, but Mandie did think I was a hobo when I returned home at about 1:30 and couldn't figure out how to get the gate open, shouting in failure every time I dropped my keys. This is why I am forcing myself to drink a few beers every night when I get off work, the tolerance level must rise. I think I am now at senior year of high school tolerance, and that is not a good place with a Vegas trip in two weeks.
Unfortunately, I was in proximity to a radio and after taking hours to figure out how it worked again (I must fiddle this nob and guess the station? What the fuck is an AM? Damn you magic music box!) I was able to listen to the final three quarters of the game. Yippee. Guess what is worse than witnessing someone getting stabbed to death? Just getting to listen to their screams. I wasn't there, and I am less afraid to ever watch any internet video suggested by a friend than to watch my Tivo'd recording of the game, but just by listening I can tell just how open DeMarco Sampson was. More open than than your favorite pornstar's orfices after TVTATM penetration. More open than the Goatse' asshole (again, I dare you). More open than IHOP. More open than the range.
Wide. Fucking. Open.
Oh well, I will address this game more in my Air Force preview (after I force myself to watch the game), but certainly the Rams pretty much need to upset Air Force if they want to have a successful (read: bowl) season. I don't think we will win our final three after losing six straight.
CSU aside, there were a few pleasant surprises this weekend. Let's look at those:
-The Avalanche are fucking awesome. Yes it early, and the hockey season is almost stupidly long (82 games, plus an early start due to the Olympics), but after 11 games the Avs lead the league with 18 points. This was supposed to be a rebuilding season, but behind stellar play from goalie Craig "Mr. Anderson" (an American, fuck yeah) the Burgundy and Blue are killing it this season.
Most importantly, the Avs have beaten the Gotdamn Red Wings twice, which is always nice. They are a fun team to watch play, attacking all over and featuring a ton of young players that are a blast to watch.
I am convinced that when Joe Sakic came to Nordiques, the front office cloned him and created someone to replace him when he retired. His name is Matt Duchene. And he is awesome. He hasn't scored much, only one goal and five assists, but this kid will soon be a star in Colorado, and would be around the nation if the NHL would promote him as much as that dead piece of wood Sidney Crosby. I really can't see wait to see how good he will be once he starts rolling and really learns the game. Becasue he is only 18. When I was 18 I was blacking out while drinking vodka every night. Now, I'm 23 and I only black out drinking vodka once a week. See, progress.
(I don't get the Crosby hype by the league. He is good, but Alex Ovechkin is the player for the NHL to market. He is flashy, hilarious, a leader, entertaining, goofy. He scores highlight-quality goals all the time. Crosby is a winner, but this is like the NBA marketing Tim Duncan all over the place to hype the league while putting LeBron on the backburner "until he becomes a winner." This is why the NHL struggles, they can't market their stars effectively. The product on the ice is great right now. Exciting hockey, limited commercials. There are fights but less of the thuggish play. Now make sure I see commercials with Overchkin scoring amaizing goals (maybe in slow motion with classical music like this, but instead an Iso camera on Overchkin...Chills. Seriously, just rip the NBA off) and then some where Ovi gets to show off his humor. Hockey players, most of them, are funny and would connect with an audience. Crosby isn't one, don't shove him down my throat)
While Duchene will be the Avs new star, his fellow rookie Ryan O'Rielly is actually out-performing him. Two guys, at 18-years old, leading a team on a remarkable turnaround. This would be huge news anywhere, but after one or two down seasons (and that pesky strike), fans and the Colorado media have forgotten about the Avalanche. Well wake the fuck up. The games are on Altitude, same channel as the Nuggs, and yes it is a whole new bunch of guys on the team since they won a cup, but that is how time works. People get old, and new guys replace them. You know that whole Denver Broncos story that everyone is getting a boner for, this Avs story is even more unlikely.
-The Nuggets are about to start. I thought they started last week. I was wrong. I am glad, because my preview was/is far from ready. I only have a picture of JR Smith. And not even a funny one implying he was cellmates with Plaxico or T.I.
They met up with the Lakers (in San Diego, which was news to me) and the two got physical. Apparently keeping up with the ugliest Kardashian is grating on Lamar Odom's nerves or maybe Birdman Andersen just stole some of Ole' Sweet Tooth's candy. Who knows, but I do know that K-Mart don't miss no trash-talking party. "FUCK YOU, ODOM! ASK KLHOE HOW MY ASS CANDY TASTE!" Too bad Dahntay Jones isn't around to battle Kobe any more. We need another expendable guy to get into a fight with him. Maybe that is Joey Graham's purpose?
-Jay Cutler continues to suck. Tossing up turnovers like a bakery. Yeah, I know El Neckbeard was lucky to beat Cincinnati, but did you even try to hold onto the football? Did you have too much SULK on your hands to throw it? I am pretty sure the Bears might want to trade you for JaMarcus. Or maybe you for the hot dog Mark Sanchez ate would be good. Fuck me, AJ probably just spent a grand at the titty bar because you depressed him so much.
I forgot to do a 6-0 picture last week, but it still rings true during the bye. Here we go:
Try #3:
Well, last time the Broncos were 6-0 was in 1998. And Bubby did play a shitload in 1998 when ElwayGod suffered an injured bicep throwing thunderbolts vs. the Nomadic Raiders.
-CU lost to Kansas State. Air Force came close vs. Utah. College football in Colorado is awesome.
-Yankees vs. Phillies. I am very glad that I don't have to hear from Angels or Doyer fans. Fuck you both. In this World Series I am rooting for rain and clouds of locust.
-In bouncing news, Phil Mickelson partied it up at my club on Thursday night. I was blissfully unaware, as I rarely pay attention to old, rich, white dudes in the club. They aren't really the troublemakers, yaknow.
On Sat. some fool from Digital Underground, Shock G, of 'Humpty Dance' fame sang a few songs. One of his entourage tried to sell me weed. I politely declined.
I also love getting to stay up until five or six in the morning and not feeling like a waste of space. Last week Boyle woke up to go to work at like 5:45 and I was up drinking a beer and watching '30 Rock.' Bet he felt like a waste of ass going to work, while I slept.
Failure? I also introduced myself to everyone by blacking out on Grey Goose at the Hard Rock, dancing with some very attractive cocktail waitresses, chugging vodka instead of champagne later and getting asked to leave the club. Allegedly. My boss did say he was impressed that I was not an angry drunk, so I've got that going for me.
I remember none of this, but Mandie did think I was a hobo when I returned home at about 1:30 and couldn't figure out how to get the gate open, shouting in failure every time I dropped my keys. This is why I am forcing myself to drink a few beers every night when I get off work, the tolerance level must rise. I think I am now at senior year of high school tolerance, and that is not a good place with a Vegas trip in two weeks.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Pregaming Analysis: SDSU. Where we discuss the art and science of the shotgun
I probably won't have any real pregame analysis of any upcoming CSU game since I usually don't even get to watch them live anymore and would just rehash what is said in the newspaper, so I will stick with what I know.And while I won't bring you pregame analysis, I will bring you Pregaming Analysis. I stumbled upon this topic while discussing my hatred of Utah's archaic liquor laws in an earlier preview, and I like where that went.
Tailgating is awesome. I don't really need to tell anyone that, but it feels good to say it. It is one of the few times in life that you can drink a beer and feel no regret for tossing it on the ground, haphazardly. You know why? Because they make the drunks and perverts who need to perform community service clean it up the next day. Nothing rubs it in those assholes' faces like having to pick up thousands of empty, crushed Keystone Light cans, when they aren't allowed to even take a sip. Irony, Atlanis Morrissette-stlye, even if that is not irony.
Anyway, I fancy myself a bit of an expert at tailgating, having progressed from the kid who passes out midway through the Nevada game in my youth (story to come week) to the 23-year-old that still managed to be "the drunkest person on the field," according the Trevor Edy, after we rushed the field against CU. Okay, that may not look like a lot of progress, but during the CU game I was drinking the whole time to keep that buzz up and remember everything, while the Nevada game is one big blur of me falling down.
My secret, is to avoid hard alcohol and focus on pounding as much beer, as quickly as possible. The best way to do this, of course is the beer IV, but I can never find my veins with the needle. So instead I resort to my second favorite technique, THE SHOTGUN.
Yes, what a beautiful way to drink a beer. "NO thank you Pete Coors. I do not want to taste your swill or drink out of your fancy, new-fangled pull-tab. I want to stab this metal, sharp object with another metal, sharp object and then place my lips on a metal, sharp hole in order to make it shoot this alcohol straight into my throat. WHOOOO!"
What are the options. Simply chugging from the can takes far too long. I would guess 10 seconds or more at least.
Actually, we interrupt this blog for a quick episode of the popular discovery channel show, Mythbusters. In the name of science (and boredom and my new goal to raise my tolerance back to semi-college levels from the tity-drugger where I currently reside), I will now test this theory.
Shotgunning: 10 seconds to pierce can and make sure I don't spill all over the room, 3 seconds to chug. Total=13 seconds.
Chugging: 1 second to crack, 28 second to chug. Total=29 seconds.
Conclusion: While the shotgun took a little longer to prep for, I was able to drink it at almost six times the speed. Impressive. Also, the prep time to shotgun would go down significantly if I wasn't sitting in front of my computer, but in a parking lot unconcerned by spray (but as I will teach later, spray can be avoided if you are smart). So, in a perfect world, I could shotgun about 3 beers in the same time as I could chug one. Don't need to be a Josh McDaniels math major to understand that one.
P.S. Anyone who believes that I wouldn't really do this, doesn't know me at all, but here are some pics. Best part, 'Born in the USA' by Springsteen came on while I was doing my testing. Bawse:
Well, now that we understand just how awesome, and how much quicker, shotgunning is, I think that we should get into the how exactly to go about the shotgun.
You might be saying, Sack, you have shotgunned a beer with every person who will ever have the misfortune to check out this site, you don't need to tell us how to do it. Guess what? That is a valid point, but I write this blog for the hypothetical blog scouts that might stumble upon it and sign me to a big-ass blog deal.
This video does a pretty good job of explaining it, minus the pussy, "you might die from this" safety warning. (Warning: If you drink beer responsibly, you could die from being a complete pussy. Who wants that?)
I also disagree with some other issues in this video.
-Very poor hole-stabbing technique ("That's what she said."). The best way to shotgun was first introduced to me by Sam Horwitz, a person I am beginning to think I invented in my head so I could pretend I knew a Jewish person. Anyway, he showed me during Thanksgiving Break freshman year how to create the puncture hole in the bottom of the can with your finger. You just turn the can over, turn the can back towards right-side-up, locate the air bubble as it moves up the can, and jam your finger in. Should work like a charm (This guy shows you how). It doesn't always. In fact, often after I first learned this trick I would end up slicing my finger open. Ooops. At least alcohol kills all the germs.
-Use a key, not a knife. Now, I have simplified this approach, as I turn over the can, wait for the air bubble and puncture the can with my parent's house key. I think a key works better than a finger, and is certainly safer than a knife, but both work. Just apply steady pressure with a key after you have located the air bubble in the can, don't stab. Plus it reminds me of home.
Sure you can always stab beers alone or race a couple friends, but the only way to really get the full tailgate expirience is through the the BRO-GUN: It is the most common shotgun. A bunch of guys, hyped up, screaming, probably wearing body paint. They are gonna shotgun, they are going to peer pressure you into it, and if you are being a pussy and don't do it, you will watch and be impressed by them, because they have made this shotgun the center of attention for your parking row.
There isn't all whole lot of technique to the Bro, it is a smash-and-grab shotgun. It begins with a primal yell of "SHOTGUN. C'MON." Everyone grabs a beer, circles up, and takes turns stabbing their beer, often creating a fairly impressive spray, perhaps giving themselves or someone nearby a facial.
Everyone in the circle then has a "cheers" in the middle, yell something unintelligible and then powers down some Keystone at their own pace. Except, being Bros, everything is a little bit of a competition, so as soon as one person finishes their beer and chucks it to the ground, everyone picks up their pace to not look like a queer. But don't abandon your effort too soon, or else everyone will mock you for wasting beer, like a queer. It is a cruel cycle.
FAILGATES: I did not initially grasp the art of the shotgun, as before freshman year I still got confused exactly which hole was which (Wait, that may have been a different type of fail altogether?). At a party at my friend Mo's house once, while in a BRO-GUN, I accidentally turned my beer upside-down and opened the tab.
A great shotgun gone wrong occurred before the UNLV game last season. My parents were in town to tailgate and I also decided this was the perfect week to paint my body green and gold, as I had promised my friend Dusty I would do it. So right before painting ourselves green, my roommate Cheney and I also made Dusty honor his end of the deal, to shotgun a beer with us. But not just any beer, a tall boy PBR. Yes, 24 oz. of wonderful, 'Steak-in-a-can,' Blue Ribbon excellence.
A regular shotgun creates some apprehension, knowing that all that foam might fuck up your stomach's world, but a big-ass Pibber is a whole 'nother story. But being a true Bro and friend, Dusty stepped up to help Nate and I continue our good-luck stomach punishing.
And damnit if the bastard didn't kick our asses. Finishing probably 5 seconds ahead of me and not even taking a breath-pause, which I needed.
Still, almost as soon as he finished, he was bent over at the waist, struggling to breathe. And that was the day that Dusty puked in front of my parents, while I got drunk and painted myself green and gold. Welcome to CSU, family. I do have to give him props, because Dusty did rally.
Another great story involves my boy Fancy somehow puncturing his beer so poorly he swallowed some metal during his shotgun and had to force himself to vomit a piece of can up later. He is a special child.
(By the way, if anyone has any good Failgate stories of their own or wishes to remind me of one of my own that I forgot, please leave comments, e-mail or Facebook me)
Game analysis: Somehow SDSU has beaten CSU in blizzards several times in our history, so let's all hope for good weather.
And if we lose, I'm going to walk through my parking garage and break every single car window with a SDSU sticker, and there are a lot. No one wants to see that happen.
I don't know anything else, other than it is now 4:30a.m. and I am down 10 Natty Lights, so god bless and go Rams.
Tailgating is awesome. I don't really need to tell anyone that, but it feels good to say it. It is one of the few times in life that you can drink a beer and feel no regret for tossing it on the ground, haphazardly. You know why? Because they make the drunks and perverts who need to perform community service clean it up the next day. Nothing rubs it in those assholes' faces like having to pick up thousands of empty, crushed Keystone Light cans, when they aren't allowed to even take a sip. Irony, Atlanis Morrissette-stlye, even if that is not irony.
Anyway, I fancy myself a bit of an expert at tailgating, having progressed from the kid who passes out midway through the Nevada game in my youth (story to come week) to the 23-year-old that still managed to be "the drunkest person on the field," according the Trevor Edy, after we rushed the field against CU. Okay, that may not look like a lot of progress, but during the CU game I was drinking the whole time to keep that buzz up and remember everything, while the Nevada game is one big blur of me falling down.
My secret, is to avoid hard alcohol and focus on pounding as much beer, as quickly as possible. The best way to do this, of course is the beer IV, but I can never find my veins with the needle. So instead I resort to my second favorite technique, THE SHOTGUN.
Yes, what a beautiful way to drink a beer. "NO thank you Pete Coors. I do not want to taste your swill or drink out of your fancy, new-fangled pull-tab. I want to stab this metal, sharp object with another metal, sharp object and then place my lips on a metal, sharp hole in order to make it shoot this alcohol straight into my throat. WHOOOO!"
What are the options. Simply chugging from the can takes far too long. I would guess 10 seconds or more at least.
Actually, we interrupt this blog for a quick episode of the popular discovery channel show, Mythbusters. In the name of science (and boredom and my new goal to raise my tolerance back to semi-college levels from the tity-drugger where I currently reside), I will now test this theory.
Shotgunning: 10 seconds to pierce can and make sure I don't spill all over the room, 3 seconds to chug. Total=13 seconds.
Chugging: 1 second to crack, 28 second to chug. Total=29 seconds.
Conclusion: While the shotgun took a little longer to prep for, I was able to drink it at almost six times the speed. Impressive. Also, the prep time to shotgun would go down significantly if I wasn't sitting in front of my computer, but in a parking lot unconcerned by spray (but as I will teach later, spray can be avoided if you are smart). So, in a perfect world, I could shotgun about 3 beers in the same time as I could chug one. Don't need to be a Josh McDaniels math major to understand that one.
P.S. Anyone who believes that I wouldn't really do this, doesn't know me at all, but here are some pics. Best part, 'Born in the USA' by Springsteen came on while I was doing my testing. Bawse:
Well, now that we understand just how awesome, and how much quicker, shotgunning is, I think that we should get into the how exactly to go about the shotgun.
You might be saying, Sack, you have shotgunned a beer with every person who will ever have the misfortune to check out this site, you don't need to tell us how to do it. Guess what? That is a valid point, but I write this blog for the hypothetical blog scouts that might stumble upon it and sign me to a big-ass blog deal.
This video does a pretty good job of explaining it, minus the pussy, "you might die from this" safety warning. (Warning: If you drink beer responsibly, you could die from being a complete pussy. Who wants that?)
I also disagree with some other issues in this video.
-Very poor hole-stabbing technique ("That's what she said."). The best way to shotgun was first introduced to me by Sam Horwitz, a person I am beginning to think I invented in my head so I could pretend I knew a Jewish person. Anyway, he showed me during Thanksgiving Break freshman year how to create the puncture hole in the bottom of the can with your finger. You just turn the can over, turn the can back towards right-side-up, locate the air bubble as it moves up the can, and jam your finger in. Should work like a charm (This guy shows you how). It doesn't always. In fact, often after I first learned this trick I would end up slicing my finger open. Ooops. At least alcohol kills all the germs.
-Use a key, not a knife. Now, I have simplified this approach, as I turn over the can, wait for the air bubble and puncture the can with my parent's house key. I think a key works better than a finger, and is certainly safer than a knife, but both work. Just apply steady pressure with a key after you have located the air bubble in the can, don't stab. Plus it reminds me of home.
Sure you can always stab beers alone or race a couple friends, but the only way to really get the full tailgate expirience is through the the BRO-GUN: It is the most common shotgun. A bunch of guys, hyped up, screaming, probably wearing body paint. They are gonna shotgun, they are going to peer pressure you into it, and if you are being a pussy and don't do it, you will watch and be impressed by them, because they have made this shotgun the center of attention for your parking row.
There isn't all whole lot of technique to the Bro, it is a smash-and-grab shotgun. It begins with a primal yell of "SHOTGUN. C'MON." Everyone grabs a beer, circles up, and takes turns stabbing their beer, often creating a fairly impressive spray, perhaps giving themselves or someone nearby a facial.
Everyone in the circle then has a "cheers" in the middle, yell something unintelligible and then powers down some Keystone at their own pace. Except, being Bros, everything is a little bit of a competition, so as soon as one person finishes their beer and chucks it to the ground, everyone picks up their pace to not look like a queer. But don't abandon your effort too soon, or else everyone will mock you for wasting beer, like a queer. It is a cruel cycle.
FAILGATES: I did not initially grasp the art of the shotgun, as before freshman year I still got confused exactly which hole was which (Wait, that may have been a different type of fail altogether?). At a party at my friend Mo's house once, while in a BRO-GUN, I accidentally turned my beer upside-down and opened the tab.
A great shotgun gone wrong occurred before the UNLV game last season. My parents were in town to tailgate and I also decided this was the perfect week to paint my body green and gold, as I had promised my friend Dusty I would do it. So right before painting ourselves green, my roommate Cheney and I also made Dusty honor his end of the deal, to shotgun a beer with us. But not just any beer, a tall boy PBR. Yes, 24 oz. of wonderful, 'Steak-in-a-can,' Blue Ribbon excellence.
A regular shotgun creates some apprehension, knowing that all that foam might fuck up your stomach's world, but a big-ass Pibber is a whole 'nother story. But being a true Bro and friend, Dusty stepped up to help Nate and I continue our good-luck stomach punishing.
And damnit if the bastard didn't kick our asses. Finishing probably 5 seconds ahead of me and not even taking a breath-pause, which I needed.
Still, almost as soon as he finished, he was bent over at the waist, struggling to breathe. And that was the day that Dusty puked in front of my parents, while I got drunk and painted myself green and gold. Welcome to CSU, family. I do have to give him props, because Dusty did rally.
Another great story involves my boy Fancy somehow puncturing his beer so poorly he swallowed some metal during his shotgun and had to force himself to vomit a piece of can up later. He is a special child.
(By the way, if anyone has any good Failgate stories of their own or wishes to remind me of one of my own that I forgot, please leave comments, e-mail or Facebook me)
Game analysis: Somehow SDSU has beaten CSU in blizzards several times in our history, so let's all hope for good weather.
And if we lose, I'm going to walk through my parking garage and break every single car window with a SDSU sticker, and there are a lot. No one wants to see that happen.
I don't know anything else, other than it is now 4:30a.m. and I am down 10 Natty Lights, so god bless and go Rams.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Weekend Sack-Up (cuz it rhymes with wrap up)...
That was a very eventful weekend folks. I now have a consistent job, a part-time job and am actually starting to feel comfortable that I live in California, which in turn scares that crap out of me (I can actively feel myself getting worse at driving). Additionally, it was again an up-and-down weekend as far as sports go. Broncos keep kicking ass and taking names, Rams did the complete opposite of that.
Plus, my sister got to go to the Broncos game, after some dude hooked her up with a ticket. She was handing out ribbons to raise breast cancer awareness inside the stadium, but still, no one hooked me up with a ticket as I sat on my couch
Broncos vs. ReChargers with pretty PICTURES, so you bitches don't have to read:
First, I stole Ben Pollock's Facebook update for that picture up top, because it summed the game up best. An exact quote, exclamation points (!!!) and everything. Suck on that reporting, Adam Schefter.
-Yes, more Marmalard douchiness:
-The real story of the game though, was Eddie Royal:
Haha. I stole this quote from Sean Star's Facebook. Man I am like the Puff Daddy of blogging. Sampling, bitches.
-Eddie is so nice, he did it twice:
-Ole number 8 played solid again, even if he looks like how I feel after a three day bender:
-It shouldn't be a surprise due to our Orton's Jack Daniels addiction, but his favorite target today was his own number in double-vision:
Akward walking/hopping is not a TD celebration. Just spike the ball and go for some chest bumps or something. You looked like a gay, skipping giraffe on PBS or some shit. Hell of catch though. Glad you didn't get shipped out like Cuntler.
-It was a good day for white pass catchers. I bet these racists are thrilled:
Ben Aaker, I will continue this arguement until I die, at which point I will have "You can't score a TD with your feet" inscribed on my tombstone. When Stokes caught the ball it had broken the plane, he fell forwards (for him) after catching the ball and landed out of the end zone, but forward progress allows him to score. If his feet were in the end zone and he was diving out of the end zone, and the ball never broke the plane of the goalline, no TD.
And yes I spent like an hour researching this again. This is the best explanation of it I could find.
-If this guy is your coach, might as well be that girl from '27 Dresses', always the bridesmaid never winning anything more prestigious than the AFC West.
-I totally called this in my preview, by the way:
Strange, no pics of LdT? You might have asked that, hypothetical reader. If you get replaced by Darren Sproles on third-and-goal, no pics for you.
-These are the people I have to deal with on a daily basis:
Care about my life? I'll make you:
I started working as a bouncer, which has all the fun drama of going out without the perks of getting wasted. I actively must try to stop people from behaving exactly like I would be behaving. I think that my drunked exploits of stealing, breaking, sneaking in and causing general mayhem at bars helps me in this position, as I know what to look for, and what things are attractive, but I am betting that Karma has been waiting for this chance to pay me back. Not too exited for that to happen.
The best thing about bouncing is the hours. 9-3 isn't a bad job if you can get it, especially in the PM. I am no longer a weirdo for sleeping in until 3 p.m. Suck on that, dad. I wasn't being lazy, I was just training.
I got tipped out $15, and I am proud to say that is the first money I have actually been paid out here. Holla.
CSU vs. TCU. Kinda like what would happen if the Hindenburg landed on the Titanic:
I predicted we would lose, but not like that. Some quick thoughts, before I repress this memory down with the one about my Boy Scout troop leader (Just kidding. Walking around in the woods with a bunch of dudes is the opposite of what I enjoy. Anyone who signs up for that is already gay, so I guess they just enjoy their special squeezer merit badge).
-Klint Kubiak has been a great player for CSU, but he is more injury prone than LaDanian. I have a feeling we are going to be hearing from him soon, when he engineers disasters looking for Bruce Willis. Yep, I just called him Mr. Glass.
-I don't know who are bigger idiots; those throwing CSU and the coaching staff under the bus after losing games against four teams that have lost a combined 3 tiems or those who are turning on Obama. Both have a ton of work to do to get their respective 'teams' up to the elite level they were, it isn't going to happen in one year. People are so impatient now, they want everything right away, deal with reasonable expectations.(This could have gone much longer, be glad it didn't)
-TCU is much faster than us. That is clear. We need a couple years of faster recruits (read: those from Florida, Cali and Texas) until we will be truely competitive. As much as I think the SEC isoverrated, we need us some ESSS-EEEE-CEEE speed. Right now CSU leads the nation in whiteness. White people are not exactly know for our speed. I'm not sayin,' I'm just sayin.' (Uhh, no Fischer DeBerry, and see Brandon Stokely-related link)
-SDSU sucks balls. Exactly the team that we should be playing this week. And we are home. Let's do this.
In other sports news:
-CU won a game over a team from a real state. Guess why?
The best thing about bouncing is the hours. 9-3 isn't a bad job if you can get it, especially in the PM. I am no longer a weirdo for sleeping in until 3 p.m. Suck on that, dad. I wasn't being lazy, I was just training.
I got tipped out $15, and I am proud to say that is the first money I have actually been paid out here. Holla.
CSU vs. TCU. Kinda like what would happen if the Hindenburg landed on the Titanic:
I predicted we would lose, but not like that. Some quick thoughts, before I repress this memory down with the one about my Boy Scout troop leader (Just kidding. Walking around in the woods with a bunch of dudes is the opposite of what I enjoy. Anyone who signs up for that is already gay, so I guess they just enjoy their special squeezer merit badge).
-Klint Kubiak has been a great player for CSU, but he is more injury prone than LaDanian. I have a feeling we are going to be hearing from him soon, when he engineers disasters looking for Bruce Willis. Yep, I just called him Mr. Glass.
-I don't know who are bigger idiots; those throwing CSU and the coaching staff under the bus after losing games against four teams that have lost a combined 3 tiems or those who are turning on Obama. Both have a ton of work to do to get their respective 'teams' up to the elite level they were, it isn't going to happen in one year. People are so impatient now, they want everything right away, deal with reasonable expectations.(This could have gone much longer, be glad it didn't)
-TCU is much faster than us. That is clear. We need a couple years of faster recruits (read: those from Florida, Cali and Texas) until we will be truely competitive. As much as I think the SEC isoverrated, we need us some ESSS-EEEE-CEEE speed. Right now CSU leads the nation in whiteness. White people are not exactly know for our speed. I'm not sayin,' I'm just sayin.' (Uhh, no Fischer DeBerry, and see Brandon Stokely-related link)
-SDSU sucks balls. Exactly the team that we should be playing this week. And we are home. Let's do this.
In other sports news:
-CU won a game over a team from a real state. Guess why?
I am so glad, because this means that Hawkins will remain around for next season, when Stevie F can beat his ass at Invesco. Enjoy your 4-7 season, Buffs. Maybe he'll even name Cody as a starter again. Or move him to WR, just for shits and giggles. (Def. gonna do a blog with Hawk trying to find a spot for Cody to play. So excited)
-Plus the loss shut up Kansas fans, and they are definetly in my list of people I hate.
"We only cheer for Kansas basketball anyway."
I'm sure you do, whenever they are in the top-10. And certainly when the two sports teams decide to have a fucking royal rumble in the quad.
-The Dodgers and Angles are on the ropes, two things which make me estastic. I think I would drive to LA and start a fire in Dodger Stadium and Disney World if those two met in a World Series.
-It could have been worse for Rams fans, you could have been a fan of Texas A&M or the Titans. Or a fan of both. Would have been as depressing as a murder-suicide. (Out with a bang)
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