Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 4

The thing I find most amazing about this show...that a whole episode can pass and not a thing changes, yet I still fucking love it.

Seriously, all the comments in this episode put it on notice as a possible classic. AND NO ONE EVEN PUNCHED ANYONE YET!!!!

We pick up with Rambo (Ronnie & Little Bitchie Sambo) fighting and the Boys at the club. As opposed to, I dunno, every other episode, which begins with the Boys at a club and Rambo fighting. Also, Snooki and J-Wizzow have returned from their dinner date, in which they have decided they should tell Sam about Ronald's' cheating ways, but they don't actually wish to tell her.

-Snook-a-look calls Gorilla Juicehead Emilio at like 4AM to catch up. Apparently he is a little cocked: "There's half-naked girls everywhere. Whatever. Bye. Peace. Fuck you."

What a charmer. Ronnie should take notes. (Foreshadowing: It appears he was.)

Snooks responds: "This is why the lesbian rate in America is going up." I did not know this was a fact. Welp, the more you know.

Then she calls the house "a big ball of fuckness." I think it's fuckness. Stupid MTV editing, but Imma use that word phrase. "Your face is a big ball of fuckness."

-Sam, evidently oblivious to Snooki's lifechanging events get-out-of-jail-free-for-fucking-other-dudes card, decides to make the situation all about herself. "Is Ron doing that to me?" If blank stares and shrugged shoulders are your only answer, the answer is yes.

-Emilio calls back. Really, he should be on the next season. His retardation makes drunken Ronnie look like a Harvard grad. Telling your girlfiend you fucked another chick twice then saying "LOL ROFLCOPTER I WUZ MAKING THA FUNNY" is on par with declaring Mission Accomplished in Iraq and actually having said war end 7 FUCKING YEARS LATER /current events jokes because we just pulled out of Iraq. You know who else should have pulled out? All of these people's parents.

Snicky response: "Go fuck yourself and die." Well done. Hey Sammy, write that down and use it for Ron.

-Emilio keeps up the entertainment by calling back, wondering if J-Wow's proclamation that she will fly to NJ and beat his ass is a "voicemail." This is Kenneth on 30 Rock level dumb, (Aside: 2nd quote of that clip might be the best ever. The alcohol/whitey one) except his person is allegedly real.

-Next time I break up I'm having J-Wow do it for me.* She just rips Emilio to shreds. On the BS Report they discuss how she could be a great pro wrestler, but I think she would be better served to start a phone message break-up service.

*This based on the assumption that I ever actually break-up with anyone instead of just avoiding them at all costs until they give up.**


**Unless, you know, they move home in shame in order to rectify whatever mistakes led them into my life.

-Ron: "I don't like tests, that is why I didn't go to college."

-After Samantha tells him to go fuck himself, Ronald McD: "I fuck myself every day I'm with you." BUUUUU-uuuu-UUUU-RRRR-NNNN.

Add this to their, "I'm not staying home like a bitch." "You are a bitch," exchange and Ron-Ron is just killing her.

-Angelina (who I may or may not have referred to as Angelica about 20 times in this blog, not a good sign for her Q-Rating), wears out her "trash bag outfit."

"I think Victoria should have kept that a secret." -Vincent, who is delivering the one-liners this year, but I need him to deliver more creeping. Where is the Situation's sister to spice shit up? And where the fuck is the Situation? Having a bigger sophomore slump than Eddie Royal (His only highlight is ruining dinner, which is much weaker than ruining grace) [Notice that I finally related this show to sports].

-Situation: "(Sammy) isn't that stupid..." to notice that everyone is awkward when they are discussing the biggest cheater in the house (AKA Ron). Actually, based on her behavior, she might just be that fucking stupid.

-J-Wow's tits should have their own intro to the show. Those babies are stars. Stars that wish to go separate ways like Stuart Scott's eyes.

-That isn't the first time someone has farted in Snooki's mouth, just guessing.

-"We'll write an anonymous letter. No one will put 2 and 2 together." Until they fucking watch the MOTHERFUCKING SHOW! This will be televised. You are aware of this. God damn, MTV, quit scripting stupid shit. These people are fucking morons, just let them do their own stupid shit.


I can't beleive there are still Internet Cafes (Why is spell check telling me there is no plural of Cafe? WTF. Sorry I don't know how to type goofy Surrender Monkey accents). Who goes to those anymore? Perverts and Europeans? Wait, same thing. IF you can't afford the Internet anymore you aren't smart enough to deserve to use it. That should be a rule.

-Vinny, atop the club: "I am Caesar!"  BEST. LINE. EVER. I am using that whenever I go out. This may even surpass "I can't feel my face." I just need a clever hand gesture.

-Somewhere in her Ron leaves in a cab while Sammy runs back. Blablabla this wasted about 10 of the total 30 minutes of action during this episode.

-Vin: "I don't want girls who who are studying for finals, I want girls who are studying for dick." Ah, Vin, you missed out on the obvious "But I do want girls that have plenty of brains like they studied at Cambridge." /Lil' Wayne joke.

-Holy shit, I tried to avoid writing about it as much as possible, but can Rambo just break up. Seriously, Sammy gives Ron more chances to come back than the Cleveland Browns gave John Elway. WHOOOOOO! (Cue: Pucak family in Greater Cleveland Area cutting me out of family tree).


-Then I kinda got drunk and stopped noting what happened. Then I accidentaly deleted the episode. Don't think much else happened. Something with Angelina trying to weasel out of the letter (ALERT: FORSHADOWING) and then I'm pretty sure they end up at a club while Rambo was fighting.

NEXT WEEK: The "anonymous" letter gets delivered, Rambo fight, Mike and Pauly try to remain relevant by bringing multiple groups of girls back to the house, proving yet again how terrible at "Smooshing" they are (said by someone who is pretty bad at it himself, but I don't have a fucking TV crew and MTV CC to help me out).