You see, due to reasons beyond my control (roommate grabbing remote control) I missed out on the first couple airings of Jersey Shore and decided to then get drunk with Arab Money and The Wedding DJ. We drank plenty of PBR at Maloney's, then planned on going back to Arab Money's to mock the Shorites. But, as soon as we exited the bar, we noticed someone more inebriated than either of us, one J.R. Smith, struggling to order some grub from the mobile hot dog stand. Arab Money and I laughed, then proceed to watch some random hopper video JR and announce it is going on World Star Hip Hop. Woooo.
The fun doesn't end there. Who should appear next from the Oak Tavern (or Spill?) but Mr. Knickerbocker, Carmelo Anthony, rocking a very trendy kinitted sweater hoodie (sarcasm) and also dying for some sustinance. He isn't near as drunk as JR, but is drunk enough he states that he can't take pictures anymore. He does ask if Arab Money's hot dog is good to go. Other members of Melo's entourage, including former CSU baller Tyler Smith, are hanging around, so AM and I chill out to scope the scene. Oh hey, guess who else is in the mix? None other than Dexter Fowler, super fucked up, and his fat-titted girly friend.
But the starstruck moment turns to surreal in the next instant, when some random 40-year old drunk comes up in between Arab Money and I, grabs our shoulders, and yells out, "The Nuggets fucking blow." I turn to tell this douchebag off, but I realize that he is none other than Mark fucking Cuban (who also states he is too drunk for pictures).
So yeah, I might be late on the Jersey Shore recap, but I think that is a sufficient reason why. Haters.
On to the Shore, which was a pretty epic episode:
-To start off, Mike is giving some relationship advice, which Arab Money notes is a very bad sign for the welfare of everyone.
-Ron and Sam fight. As if Ron is 5, Pauly tries to distract him by taking him on the Tilt-A-Whirl and some roller coasters. Somehow, this doesn't work.
-"Ronni kinda has a tempah" -Pauly D, who then shadow boxes in the background while prepping for Ronni/Sammi round 347.
-"I played it wrong," Mike bitches out to Ronni. "I'll buy you some cotton candy a little later." Good call, Sitch. No need to get your ass whooped for a girl that straight shunned you 2 seasons ago.
-"A whole bag full of condoms." -Roger, when asked what he brings into the house prior to his two week vacay from the Shore and J-Dubs. Quickly he is becoming an upper echelon character.
-"How could you sit there and lie to my face, after what you did?" -Sam
"Which time?" -Ronni, just smashing that lob back into her face.
-"He's gonna do something totally shady." -Sam
"Yuuuuppp." -Snooki
-"I love the dick." -Sam
"Me too." -Snook.
-"They're are talking all about relationships and my sneakers are dirty." -Pauly.
"They're gonna bang soon." -Vinny.
-"Sammy is like a spidermonkey sitting on the bed with a pitbull lock." -Vinny, giving Mike Vick a shoutout.
-"I'm just gonna go out and be a slut." -Sammi, good call, because being a slut always brings your boyfriend running back.
-"Come back to my closet and help me get dressed." -Sam.
"You mean your patio?" -Arab Money, after Ron throws all Sammi's shit out the door.
"You want to act like a dog, you can sleep outside like a dog." -Ron.
-"It's kind of like an analogy for Vinny's penis not fitting into my pin hole." -Snooki, comparing her and D-Na's inability to angle a bed through a door to Vinny's schlong.
-Ironically, all of the Guidos magically end up at the same bar. Just a coincidence, not producer interference at all.
-"I want to fucking ring your neck right now." -Ronni. If only the OJ-Nicole Simpson murder was a reality show, I bet it would have played out just like this. But, it probably wouldn't be allowed as evidence (confused, watch the June 17, 1994 30 for 30 and realize how having good lawyers can save your ass).
-Hehehehe. Mid-rant, Sammi drops a nice burp. Solid push.
-"Nobody touch the fucking smoosh-room." -J-Woww, oblivious to the potential murder going down and desperate to hook Roger.
"The more the merrier." -Roger, after Jenny busts out the S&M outfit and Snooki/Deena offer to join.
-"Ronni keeps talking about girl/guy code. Then he throws her bed outside. What about general human code?" -Situation, who is becoming something of a semi-retarded muse.
-"She's doing something to do with packing...and something that ryhems with.... ...weaving?"-Vinny to Ron, after Sam explicitly asks him not to divulge her plans.
-"I'm going to let you go. As much as it pains you." -Ron, with one of the most egotistical statements of all-time. And hypocritical, as the big bad roid-rager cries all night when Sammi says goodbye.
-CAAAABS AHHH HEEEEEEAAAHHH" -Pauly, announcing the departure of Sammi about 6 seasons too late.
MVG: Sammi: For coming to the most rational decision of the entire show. Yes, leaving the Ronster about six domestic assaults late, but she finally got it done. Plus, she attempted to bag random dudes before her exit just to piss him off. Props. Ronni could have won this award due to his excellent whore-demolition skills, but his weeping bumped him out of this slot.
Mostly though, Sammi should never be welcomed back to this show, so I'll let her go out with Guid.
Bed-post notches: None...GAYYYY
Next Week: You need highlights besides no more Sammi and possible Cocaine Ronaldino? Because I sure don't.
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