Everything I Know About Los Avalanches

I don't get to watch many Avs games, due to the fact that I do not live within the footprint of Altitude and I am far too poor to order Center Ice. Still, that doesn't mean I don't keep up on my boys in Burgandy and Blue ugly ass uniforms.

I avidly read Mile High Hockey and watch highlights, read Dater's bitter blogs and discuss games with my Fasha. And I am so excited to get back to CO this winter so I can watch this young, exciting team in the flesh (and on TV).

So without further aduex, I will now break down everything I know about the Avalanche, by going through the roster. Hint: I don't know a ton about most of these guys, so I might just make shit up.

Coach, Joe Sacco: His name sounds like Joe Sakic, which makes him really good. He should have won Coach of the Year last season, taking a turrible team that failed miserably under Tony Granato and turning them into a playoff team. I expect much of the same improvement this season (talking point sponsored by Coletastrophie).

He has hooked up with over 300 women in the Denver area who only slept with him because they thought he introduced himself as Joe Sakic.

#4 John-Michael Liles: Johnny is very popular, be it with the ladies that love him or other teams that seem to be interested in him. In fact, one of the few people not in love with him was coach Sacco, who benched JML several times last season. It was assumed his future might reside elsewhere this year, but he is off to a fantastic start this season, picking up a point in almost every game. He is the Avs best offensive threat amongst our defensemen, so losing him would be tough. If he could get a little better at not giving up shorthanded goals I think he will have a lovely season.

On a personal note, Liles has always been my favorite Av since a charity hockey game in Aspen in 2004 during the lockout. I was stationed behind the "Avs"bench for the game and all Johnny Hot Pockets did was make jokes about being hungover and yakking up Jaeger and Vodka. That is the easiest way into my heart.

#6 Jonas Halos: I think he is from Norway. He plays defense. His favorite food is Narwal.

#9 Matt Duchene: Otherwise known as Sakic 2.0. Okay, maybe that is a bit much to heap on the youngster, but for the Avs to be competitive for Stanley Cups in the next 10 years, he will have to be the engine that runs this team. He grew up an Avs fan and he should kill it.

Oh, and last season he just happened to put the Avs in the playoffs last year, as if it was preordained.



He is also just 19 years old.

#10 Kyle Cumiskey: For a long time I though he might be the son of Valerie Kamensky, but no. Still, he is maybe the fastest defensemen in the league. Also one of the smaller D-men. Would love to see the roadrunner score a few more goals and not get shoved around all season.

#11 Philippe Dupius: He plays forward and might be related to the Dupuis that plays for Pittsburgh. Or maybe not. Kinda looks like Zoolander. He once killed a man for spelling his first name with only one P.

#12 Kevin Porter: If he scores more goals than me this season I will consider it a success.

#18 Brandon Yip: Scored the game-winner against Detroit earlier this season. Elicited plenty of clever puns based on his last name (Yip-ee Kaye-Ya Motherfucker is my preferred one). He is of Chinese and Irish heritage, so that makes me want to nickname him "Drunken Master."

#19 Joe Sakic: Because he will always be on my Avs.

#21 Peter Forseberg: Again, not really, but he says he might be coming back again, so let's just keep a spot open.

#22 Scott Hannan: He is very hard to like. He kinda looks like a Hobbit. He was much better at hockey when he was allowed to rape players like Peter Forseberg in the pre-lockout years. Much like an offensive lineman, when he plays well you don't notice him, when he sucks it makes your eyes bleed.

He once shot a hockey puck at a goalie only to have it deflect into the stands killing his own mother. That previous sentence isn't true, but it makes it easier to understand his reluctance to shoot if you make yourself believe it.

#23 Milan Hedjuk: Old Mr. Reliable, he will score about 20 goals and put up over 50 points. With an iffy back and older legs, he won't near his early 2000s 50-goal plateau, but his lovely hands make this old Czech a threat to score on any loose puck. A great veteran to have on this young team. Plus he once got ticketed on Highway 82 outside Carbondale for driving 102mph, which is funny because I never got a speeding ticket and I sped down that road every day of my life.

Nasty Nate says he is due for a big year.

#25 Chris Stewart: He is big, fast, strong, good and nasty. That is the perfect combo for a power forward. He broke out last season and I don't think he is going to slow down. Like Yipper he is also one of the rare NHL players that isn't lily-white, which makes me love him 50% more. He is also just 22 years old.

#26 Paul Statsny: He would be a star if he had a little more sizzle, but Statsny is so silky vanilla that you can often miss out on the fact that he is the best player on the ice. His dad and uncles escaped from Communism to play for the Nordiques, making him another perfect fit to play for the Avs. He has been a stud for about 4 years and is only 24. God this team is young and awesome.

His acting in terrible Altitude commercials makes Keanu Reeves look emotive.

#27 Kyle Quincey: He is big and sometimes plays that way. Other times he plays big and pussy. This inconsistency is troubling. He needs to be solid this season if the Avs plan to take another step.

#28 David Koci: He is good at getting knocked out. David Anderson will outscore him this season. He is the reason people hate hockey.

#31 Peter Budaj: He is like that overweight girl that tantalizes you, that you think could always be super hot if she just got a little more confidence and lost a little weight. That at times almost looks good enough to date, but is much better off as a slumpbuster on nights no one is really paying attention. He is great to have as a back-up for the 10 games a year where Anderson doesn't want/need to play, but he will never be a starting NHL goalie.

#34 Daniel Winnik: A big grinder that we stole from the bankrupt Phoenixes. A good PK guy and a perfect 3rd/4th liner. Put in a couple big goals this year.

#37 Ryan O'Rielly: A second-round pick last year, no one expected him to make the team, but he became one of the Avs top defensive forwards last year. He is also 19. That means he was born in 1991. That is stupid young.

FUN FACT: There are only 13 players on the Avs roster older than me. HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA DIE SOON!

#39 TJ Galliardi: Young, tough, scrappy and exactly the kind of player that you have to have on a good team. Isn't excellent at any one thing, but is good at everything. He is awesome.

#41 Craig Anderson: He is everything to this team. With the number of pucks we let in on net and the open style we play, he needs to keep on playing great hockey or else we are fucked. Might be the best free agent pick-up ever to come to Colorado in any sport.

In one of his rare games on the bench last season he still faced 20 shots even though Budaj was in net. Teams just love shooting at him.

#44 Ryan Wilson: Kind of came from nowhere last year to become one of the biggest hitters in the NHL. Got some concussion problems, so hopefully he can recover because the Avs need his physical presence. He is fucking awesome to watch. And only 22.

# 52 Adam Foote: The old man keeps on keeping on. I don't know how, considering I am faster on skates and I can't even skate backwards, but he knows the angles and has that old man strength that can't be beat. So great having him around to teach our youngins how to play.

He actually doesn't have nose cartilage anymore, it is just Play-Dough and wire stuck up in there.

#54 David Jones: Another big, fast forward. He was having his breakout season last year until injury. If he stays healthy and produces it will be aweome. Plus we can make Davey Jones' Locker jokes. Harf harf.

#55 Cody McCleod: The Highlander is the perfect tough guy who still possesses a modicum of skill. He will fight often, hit people hard and stick up for teammates. One of those crazy, toothless cunts every team needs. Any goals he picks up are a bonus, but he will add about 10.

He east raw octopus every day to remain pissed off at Detroiters.

#88 Peter Mueller: I really don't know if he exists. I never saw him play for the Avs last season, but it seemed that he was involved in every goal for the 3 weeks or so he spent on the roster before gentlemanly Rob Blake concussed him with a dirty shot. He has a soft head, and got another one in the Avs first preseason game.

He is especially great on the power play and his point play is something that the Avs need desperately. When he returns and the Avs will fit him with one of Gazoo's helmets.

 

Prediction: Just writing about all these guys made me realize just how awesome this team is, and how awesome they will be. They are so young and talented. I feel that they should win the Northwest this year and win at least one playoff series. I know the Avs have struggled since the lockout and fan support has tailed off as well, but I think these Avs are capable of capturing Denver's attention again. They certainly have mine.

Sports: I Give Thanks

As I pointed out in my splendidly narcissistic post about why I can't sleep, sports are my escape from the problems/issues in the real world that make me restless. Even though I spend much of the space in this blog trashing on teams/people and focusing on the suck (especially lately), I love sports. So, as a prelude to Thanksgiving, I will be filling this blog post with videos and websites about sports that I love.

If you are bored (especially at a job where they haven't blocked Youtube yet) this should keep you entertained for quite a while. Yep, this all makes me very happy. I don't even care that this took me hours, searching Youtube and watching all sorts of random shit.Happy thanksgiving, and please post any videos you love here or on my wall. Enjoy:

John Elway: John Elway leading the drive. I still own this video, and the 1986 "Mile High Champions" videotape, and I nearly wore both out watching them every Saturday and Sunday growing up. John Elway was my first true love and I always ask WWJED (What Would John Elway Do=Procrastination). I know Elway has been kind of dick in his personal life (and to Mr. Moorman, a story I may ask him to post on here sometime), but I don't care. Jesus had his share of problems, and he has done alright for himself.


 Brace for a blog explaining the Church of Elway (aka Elwayology).

Christianity has Jesus on a cross,  Elwayology has John leaping in between two Packers.



Gilbert Arenas: Best game-winning shot ever. Raising the arms before it even drops. I love me some Melo and JR, but that is just bad ass.


But that is not all that makes Gil great. There was the blog, which was just fantastic. Even while struggling through injury, he was entertaining. At the beginning of this season he was being surly and trying to avoid talking to the media, thinking it would help him focus. It didn't work, and it just wasn't Gilbert. Then this happened:

Agent Zero Pilot from Gilbert Arenas vs Agent Zero on Vimeo.

What other NBA player would do this? Not many, as they, or the people that run their lives, are too image conscious.

DeShawn Stevenson: "I watch gangster flicks and root for the bad guy, turn it off before it end because the bad guy die." -50 Cent. That is how I feel about my boy DeShawn. He is crazy. Insane in the membrane, but he captivates me.


I really fell in love after watching this video, with him and Gilbert betting thousands of dollars against each other in a post-practice 3-point shootout. Gil shot one-handed from college range, D-Steve regular from NBA range. NBA players from every team may do this, but it seems like the Wizards are the only ones who would have it filmed, thanks to Dan Steinberg at the DC Sports Bog and Bullets Forever. I need to make this blog as awesome as those.

Colorado State: When I feel really down about CSU sports I have a few videos I love to watch, especially this one.


And this one:

And I always enjoy Robert Herbert fucking bitches up. Oh what could have been if he didn't steal credit cards.


A little D.A.:


Eric Berry: All I want is Eric Berry to be a Bronco next year. Trade everyone for him, I don't care.





Hockey Fights: Red Wings-Avs, the best rivalry I have ever seen. If I ever meet Darren McCarty I am buying him a drink. Why? So that alcoholic motherfucker falls off the wagon. What a flamboyant cheap pussy. Oh, but what entertainment.

I love Roy kicking Vernon's ass.

This one is good too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0alqGVE9ipg

Joe Sakic's lone fight. "How do you like them apples, Gilmore."


Oh, Phadouche:


Peter Forsberg: Man he was good.


For more Avalanche love, go to Mile High Hockey.

Best Commercial Ever?

Fernando Torres: Just watching this video made me go out and play a few games of FIFA.

Weekend Sack-Up: I think DeMarco Sampson is still wide open

Somethings are better off not witnessed, like a murder or cakefarts (search it, I dare you. Thanks, btw, Ben Pollock for showing me this), and the second half of the CSU game Saturday was similar. I am glad I got to miss it, due to work.

Unfortunately, I was in proximity to a radio and after taking hours to figure out how it worked again (I must fiddle this nob and guess the station? What the fuck is an AM? Damn you magic music box!) I was able to listen to the final three quarters of the game. Yippee. Guess what is worse than witnessing someone getting stabbed to death? Just getting to listen to their screams. I wasn't there, and I am less afraid to ever watch any internet video suggested by a friend than to watch my Tivo'd recording of the game, but just by listening I can tell just how open DeMarco Sampson was. More open than than your favorite pornstar's orfices after TVTATM penetration. More open than the Goatse' asshole (again, I dare you). More open than IHOP. More open than the range.

Wide. Fucking. Open.

Oh well, I will address this game more in my Air Force preview (after I force myself to watch the game), but certainly the Rams pretty much need to upset Air Force if they want to have a successful (read: bowl) season. I don't think we will win our final three after losing six straight.

CSU aside, there were a few pleasant surprises this weekend. Let's look at those:

-The Avalanche are fucking awesome. Yes it early, and the hockey season is almost stupidly long (82 games, plus an early start due to the Olympics), but after 11 games the Avs lead the league with 18 points. This was supposed to be a rebuilding season, but behind stellar play from goalie Craig "Mr. Anderson" (an American, fuck yeah) the Burgundy and Blue are killing it this season.

Most importantly, the Avs have beaten the Gotdamn Red Wings twice, which is always nice. They are a fun team to watch play, attacking all over and featuring a ton of young players that are a blast to watch.

I am convinced that when Joe Sakic came to Nordiques, the front office cloned him and created someone to replace him when he retired. His name is Matt Duchene. And he is awesome. He hasn't scored much, only one goal and five assists, but this kid will soon be a star in Colorado, and would be around the nation if the NHL would promote him as much as that dead piece of wood Sidney Crosby. I really can't see wait to see how good he will be once he starts rolling and really learns the game. Becasue he is only 18. When I was 18 I was blacking out while drinking vodka every night. Now, I'm 23 and I only black out drinking vodka once a week. See, progress.

(I don't get the Crosby hype by the league. He is good, but Alex Ovechkin is the player for the NHL to market. He is flashy, hilarious, a leader, entertaining, goofy. He scores highlight-quality goals all the time. Crosby is a winner, but this is like the NBA marketing Tim Duncan all over the place to hype the league while putting LeBron on the backburner "until he becomes a winner." This is why the NHL struggles, they can't market their stars effectively. The product on the ice is great right now. Exciting hockey, limited commercials. There are fights but less of the thuggish play. Now make sure I see commercials with Overchkin scoring amaizing goals (maybe in slow motion with classical music like this, but instead an Iso camera on Overchkin...Chills. Seriously, just rip the NBA off) and then some where Ovi gets to show off his humor. Hockey players, most of them, are funny and would connect with an audience. Crosby isn't one, don't shove him down my throat)

While Duchene will be the Avs new star, his fellow rookie Ryan O'Rielly is actually out-performing him. Two guys, at 18-years old, leading a team on a remarkable turnaround. This would be huge news anywhere, but after one or two down seasons (and that pesky strike), fans and the Colorado media have forgotten about the Avalanche. Well wake the fuck up. The games are on Altitude, same channel as the Nuggs, and yes it is a whole new bunch of guys on the team since they won a cup, but that is how time works. People get old, and new guys replace them. You know that whole Denver Broncos story that everyone is getting a boner for, this Avs story is even more unlikely.

-The Nuggets are about to start. I thought they started last week. I was wrong. I am glad, because my preview was/is far from ready. I only have a picture of JR Smith. And not even a funny one implying he was cellmates with Plaxico or T.I.

They met up with the Lakers (in San Diego, which was news to me) and the two got physical. Apparently keeping up with the ugliest Kardashian is grating on Lamar Odom's nerves or maybe Birdman Andersen just stole some of Ole' Sweet Tooth's candy. Who knows, but I do know that K-Mart don't miss no trash-talking party. "FUCK YOU, ODOM! ASK KLHOE HOW MY ASS CANDY TASTE!" Too bad Dahntay Jones isn't around to battle Kobe any more. We need another expendable guy to get into a fight with him. Maybe that is Joey Graham's purpose?


-Jay Cutler continues to suck. Tossing up turnovers like a bakery. Yeah, I know El Neckbeard was lucky to beat Cincinnati, but did you even try to hold onto the football? Did you have too much SULK on your hands to throw it? I am pretty sure the Bears might want to trade you for JaMarcus. Or maybe you for the hot dog Mark Sanchez ate would be good. Fuck me, AJ probably just spent a grand at the titty bar because you depressed him so much.

I forgot to do a 6-0 picture last week, but it still rings true during the bye. Here we go:

Try #2:

Try #3: 

Well, last time the Broncos were 6-0 was in 1998. And Bubby did play a shitload in 1998 when ElwayGod suffered an injured bicep throwing thunderbolts vs. the Nomadic Raiders. 

-CU lost to Kansas State. Air Force came close vs. Utah. College football in Colorado is awesome.


-Yankees vs. Phillies. I am very glad that I don't have to hear from Angels or Doyer fans. Fuck you both. In this World Series I am rooting for rain and clouds of locust.

-In bouncing news, Phil Mickelson partied it up at my club on Thursday night. I was blissfully unaware, as I rarely pay attention to old, rich, white dudes in the club. They aren't really the troublemakers, yaknow.

On Sat. some fool from Digital Underground, Shock G, of 'Humpty Dance' fame sang a few songs. One of his entourage tried to sell me weed. I politely declined.

I also love getting to stay up until five or six in the morning and not feeling like a waste of space. Last week Boyle woke up to go to work at like 5:45 and I was up drinking a beer and watching '30 Rock.' Bet he felt like a waste of ass going to work, while I slept.

Failure? I also introduced myself to everyone by blacking out on Grey Goose at the Hard Rock, dancing with some very attractive cocktail waitresses, chugging vodka instead of champagne later and getting asked to leave the club. Allegedly. My boss did say he was impressed that I was not an angry drunk, so I've got that going for me.

I remember none of this, but Mandie did think I was a hobo when I returned home at about 1:30 and couldn't figure out how to get the gate open, shouting in failure every time I dropped my keys. This is why I am forcing myself to drink a few beers every night when I get off work, the tolerance level must rise. I think I am now at senior year of high school tolerance, and that is not a good place with a Vegas trip in two weeks.