Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 1

Father, forgive me, for it has been six fucking months since I last recapped a Jersey Shore Episode. Where has the time gone? There are tiny, 180-day old Guidos who haven't been able to read my snarky comments about drunken assholes I wish to emulate. Speaking of which, I am way more excited for the cast of Jersey Shore to tear up South Beach instead of LeBron Pippen and the Dwayne Wade All-Stars.

Amazingly, for all the fame that these Guids had, their 15 minutes may well be on the way out. Can season 2 capture the magic, the mystique, the herpes that season 1 contained? Will Miami feature as many whorey, whores as the Jer-Z Shore? (I say yes) Will the drama overtake the fun? Will RON-Ron kill someone? TUNE THE FUCK IN AND FIND OUT, FAGGLES!

My reason to blog (and therefore live) has returned. Hoooooo-ray!*

*Especially true because the Rockies blow ass right now.


We join the cast of Jersey Shore at a very difficult time in their lives. See, the weather in New York/Jersey/Greater Guidistani area is awful. This time of year, known as winter and a constant for 22-30 years of these people's lives, is now something they fail to understand ("You can't tan or creep in the snow"). Apparently Guidos typically hibernate between seasons on the Shore. This year, the Guidos have been busy working attending parties for money and creating new super-STDs and are very tired of this lifestyle.

Heroically MTV has rescued them, agreeing to ship them to MIAMI. In an effort to fill an episode get to the house first, the housemates rush to find a way down to Miami, like 'Planes, trains and automobiles' Jersey style. Pauly D, the Sit, J-Woww and Snooki decide the fastest route is driving. Of course they do. The rest decide on this risky strategy called "flying."

-Snookers grabs the first quotable of the season, not surprising, as she led the cast in quotes per episode last season.

Giant Guido Boyfriend: "How many meatballs do you want?"
Snicky: "Two, in my face."

-She then goes onto explain that she doesn't want to cheat, but a bottle of SOCO has a strange effect. See, she likes to chase it with dicks.

-Snooks, while getting blasted in the face by bronzer: "I don't go tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning. I feel like he did that just intentionally for us."

She then goes on to say that it is because he is black. Speaking of which, why are there no black people on this show? Is it because we just assume all black people are even sketchier than these skeezers?

-Ronnie's boy gives him some good advice. Don't fall in love again, you faggot. Also he gives us a twist on the term double-bagger: A girl so ugly you have to use a bag for her and one for yourself in case her bag falls off.

-Our not-at-all-live blog really picks up somewhere in the South, probably in one of those states that still has Jim Crow laws. One of the Carolinas, I assume. The Sit/Pauly car gets sidetracked by mud and fireworks (Who does AAA call when AAA gets stuck?), while Snooki has a "life-changing expirience" thanks to fried pickles.

-"Obviously he fucks his sister for a living." Snooki, on some random non-guido who tries unsuccessfully to hit on her. Should have just walked up and hit her, bro.

-Vinny has a goal for the summer, 60 girls in 60 days. Even Wilt Chamberlain thinks that is excessive.

-New Enrique Iglesias. Fuck and yes! Henry Churches is the titties.

-Angelica is BACCCCCKKKKKKK. Awesome. She is classic as fuck. And she already banged DJ PD and the Sit. Will she be the first girl to bang every male cast member? Will she be the first to get double-teamed? She is rooming with Pauly and Mikey (I assume this happens by episode 4). Will J-Woooowwww take out an implant and beat her with it? The possibilities are endless.

She actually has suitcases rather than trashbags. Look at the class.

Sidenote: Angelica is fucking chunky this year. Donovan McNabb's mom Campbell's chunky soup status.

-Vinny, on Angelina and his friendship: "She lacks brains, so we don't get along."

-Sammy and Ronny are all drama. I hope she dies. Really. She even asks "Why am I here?" Umm, because you are an attention craving whore and MTV is paying you about a million bucks. That might be it, sluttapotomus.

-Snookers, After the $4 shelf breaks on J-Woww's head, wrecking Sammy's shit: "I feel like a pilgrim in the 1920s washing shit in a sink." See, this show is more than tits and drinking, you can get a nice history lesson.

-Situation: "Imma bring a little of the Jersey Shore down to M-I-A... Which is Miami."
Thanks for clarifying.

-Loving the in-mirror camera. A fucking stroke of genius.

-J-Woww challenges Angelina to step outside to fight. Which is cool, but they are currently driving down the road in a cab. Brilliant.

-Ronald calls Sammy a cunt. This is funny because it is true. She is the cuntiest cunt to ever cunt in cuntland. I hope he cuntputs her and then breaks a cuntalope off in her cunty cunt.

-Whoever had Ron in the "I'm in Miami, bitch!" pool, you can claim your prize. Shocked it took 42 mintues.

I had Snooki saying it first, but she actually said "I'm going to be in Miami" and forgot the "bitch."

-Pauly D: "I love single Ronnie." Don't we all. Creepy Creeperstein is on the hunt.

-Sit. "Ronnie was at the club hooking up with grenades, big ugly chicks, and land mines, that is a thin ugly chick, and just loving life."

-Episode ends with a classic triple kiss between Ron and some whorribles. Those rarely work out to well, lots of accidental nose licking. You know what never works? The quad kiss. Not that I have any experience in the matter.

Meanwhile Sammy goes to sleep with a pair of sunglasses on. Even LeBron thinks that is a douchy move.

Next Week: I have no idea, but the preview of the season promised plenty of quality drama. Methinks that MTV made the right decision to place these dickbags in Miami. Plenty of slutty sluts, drugs and partying. And apparently no fake job. GOOT!