A Sweet Sack of Nuggs, Vol. 2.0

The NBA season got off to a rousing start last night, with the 3-headed monster playing out like all of LeBron's best Cleveland teams looked. Him playing out of his mind and four other guys standing around unsure of their roles (kinda like what our Three-Headed Blog Squad predicted yesterday). Maybe this will change, and not every team will be as deep and defensively skilled as the Celts, but it showed that as much as things change in the NBA, they remain the same.

Which brings us to the loveable Nuggets of Denver, who are still a dysfunctional bunch of Thuggets (even in their magical run to conference finals two years ago who can forget K-Mart fighting fans/owners?). As the world of the NBA turns, we are sadly getting even more fucked up. 

So now, join myself and Mr. "Barrio Bell" Heath (in the blue font) as we go through dickburger that is the Nuggets roster and then offer our lovely predictions about the way this season will go. Or light yourself on fire and have a more enjoyable time. 

This was way more fun to write last season, due to the Nuggs looking like contenders so hoping for the reverse-jinx pleasethankyou!

In Numerical Order:
Gary Forbes: -Went off for 25 vs. Phoenix in the last preseason game.
-This may be the whitest name of any player in the NBA. I was wondering why the accountant was listed on the roster.

Oh, I get it. This is like that Episode of Chappelle’s show where they thrust some white-suburban type into a household full of “crazy-ass N-“ and Mr.Forbes here just happened to be selected for the part. Well they certainly sent him to the most dysfunctional NBA household, the next few months should be hell for this guy. Oh, he’s not actually white? I got nothing then.    

#1 Chauncey Billups: -I'm going to really enjoy watching him in play for Charlotte, where his veteran poise will be much needed.
-Not going to look forward to him trying to take over games and stealing Ty Lawson's PT.

-He can stay, if he basically moves to a role as a shooting guard.

-The single biggest reason for our 08 ascension and our 09 descension, CBill shot us out of too many games last year, its clear this year will be a baton-pass to Lawson. Sorry CBill, we tried.  

#3 Ty Lawson: -Really the only player I am excited for right now.
-Should be the break out player on this roster if he is given PT and doesn't have to fight for shots.

Clearly a year where Lawson is designated to step up, will be one of the few bright spots on an otherwise failing team. Excited to see him kill it but my expectations are suitably tempered.     

#4 K-Mart: -I have defended him in past years, and it looked like he turned a corner, but now I never want to see him wear a Nuggs uniform again. Your fucking contract has dragged around our neck for the last 7 years and now you have the audacity to demand an extension. If it weren't for your Hinderburg-esque contract we might have surrounded Melo with some big that could score rather than bigs who get Darrent Williams shot. I hope someone fucks you in Trina's lips on your neck.

-I don’t even know where the fuck to start, this is another nominee for the Chappelle household, voted most likely to charge the stands after getting heckled from the bench while wearing that college-professor brown blazer he stole from the Cherry Creek Goodwill. How does someone go from being responsible for back-to-back Finals appearances to "out-Grant Hilling" Grant Hill in the category named after GRANT FUCKING HILL??

#5 J.R. Smith: -You are fucking stupid. Grow the fuck up and understand how life and basketball work. Your talent is out of this world but so is your brain. You are playing your way into a role as AI's swingman teammate. Hope the Istanbullets have cap space left in three years.

So fed up with this team as a whole, I’m actually the LEAST pissed at JR compared to the rest of these fucks. Don’t get me wrong, I still got him ridin shotty in a future Denver Jail-Blazers esque arrest.

#6 Aaron Afflalo: -I almost forgot he was on the team. I got nothing bad to say. He should turn into a Bruce Bowen type player, but I'm sure it won't be with the Nuggets, as he is exactly the type of player we trade for pennies on the dollar only to watch them blow up elsewhere.

-Speaking of which, sure would be nice to have Marcus Camby right about now. 

 This is a horrible statement. Marcus Camby is a charter member of Sack's Hall of Hate, residing comfortably in the Jamie Carrol/[Name Redacted] Wing for players on my favorite team I despise (which will be a column coming soon. Also, just jotting down names like Diawara, Najera, Elson, etc. made me realize exactly why Carmelo Anthony hates playing basketball in Denver)

#7 Al Harrington: -"I'm Al Harrington and I get buckets" God, I'm excited to yell that. He hasn't been on the team long enough for me to hate him, but his shoot from the outside and no defense history is not really a combination that tends to win me over.

-Not a bad offseason pickup for the Nugs, should be interesting to watch fit in with what remains of the soon to be tattered Nugs offense. Could be a great addition, provided we keep him away from JR, Balkman, etc.

#11 Birdman: -Get healthy and stay out of the nose candy. You got lucky to get a second chance, don't fuck it up by being lazy. And stop getting hurt.

- At this point, the seasons so fucked I’m actually cheering for him to START doing coke again. The season’s shot, might as well make the implosion worthwhile. Plus, then we’d be able to violate his ass back to jail and recoup our 4 mil from his (no longer) feel-good story havin ass.   

#15 Carmelo Anthony: If you really want out, just man up and say it. This "he said-she said" behind the curtain bullshit is fucking weak. Look, your wife has your balls and you want to go back East. Put your cards on the table and tell the Knicks to pony up. Convince them that whatever they offer for you is worth it. If you are the star that you have talked yourself up to be, a legit championship caliber player, then you should be fine. You don't have to dick Denver over in the process like your butt-buddy Bron.

-I slapped Kat Stacks and I want my money.

-Theres not enough space in this article for how much I hate this man. Most angering is the Melo apologists that have surrounded this insane combination of talent and apathy. Perhaps what annoys me the most about this grinning piece of shit is the way we as fans give ourselves and cities over to these basketball specimens.

Just once I want these basketball equivalents of male models to realize the elephant graveyard of every other “can’t tell me nothing” basketball star of the past few decades who is now standing in the welfare line like ODB in 95. Granted I was never too heavy into Melo-cocksucking, but the fact remains that he was the most talented, proven star that we have ever had on our team. He was OUR answer to Lebron, he was OUR permanent stake in the macro NBA media circus. And I can’t say we really got a lot in return. It is my sincere hope that the 2011 collapse of the league as we know it yields heavy playoff-incentive based contracts and the death of a superstar like this. I hate you Melo, I wish Shawn Kemp AND ‘Toine Walkers fate on you.

#23 Shelden Williams: - Does this mean we get dibs on his and Candice Parker's offspring. Because that is going to be a large ugly human. Man or woman, I think it would be better than any Denver big man.
-I thought he was like 35, but he graduated from Duke in 2007 and is only 25.

-“Who is ‘The guy who fucks the MJ of bitch ball,’ Alex.” 

 A. Notice that they are holding her jersey, not his.

B. That is gonna be a talllll asss babbbby.

#25 Anthony Carter: -How is he still around? And why? What kind of cruel world do we live in where AC is still employed to play gaurd in the NBA. Edy could post him up and hit turnaround jumpers over him all day. He couldn't even start for CSU. I will wager that he has more turnovers than baskets this season.

I will continue my AC apologist duties circa 2007 and cling to him as the one Nugget I truly love. We’ll need him to run the retard relief squad after the Melo trade and following a CBill 2 month injury, cuz its going to happen.

#31 Nene: -Another supremely gifted athlete who underachieves for the Nuggets. Maybe he would have more success with a big that actually can score (like Harrington can), but instead I bet Nene will play passive and get bullied by Pau Gasol. Edy def wins this argument from last year.

Every year I watch this dude telegraph the two post moves he has and then get stripped in the paint, I expect no less this year. The uniballer 2,0  has looked and played like shit for the past 3 years, in fact the only year he didn’t look like a complete liability was when Kmart and Camby were both in the rotation. I think its time we arrange to have him offed in the back room of Fogo de Chao, thus netting us 11.3 mil in cap space savings.

#32 Ronaldo Balkman: Why is he even on the roster? Oh, right, someone needs to carry weed. 

-Maybe George Karl will remember he exists this year, even if RB is so baked he isn't sure he exists.

Can we just hair drug follicle test this asshole and peace him already. I’m sick of his elsie the cow looking face and his general demeanor. Hate aside, should we decide to go for the Jail-blazer Award for the year, his, pusher man services may just be needed.

#34 Melvin Ely: There is an NBA player named Melvin? What is this, 1954 when blacks weren't allowed in the lower bowls of the arena? Get the fuck out.

This name sounds so old it brings to mind male-sounding pen names utilized by female writers of the past. I’m holding out hope this is Candace Parker’s own version of a pen-name, reverse Juwanna man style.  

George Karl: I do not understand why he is coaching this team. It is clear that Melo and K-Mart are not just metaphorical team cancers, but that exposure to them actually causes cancer. Think I'm hyperbolizing? Jim Boeheim at 'Cuse got cancer after Melo, three people in Bob Huggins family got cancer from K-Mart (Huggy Bear doesn't get cancer because his innards are just Jack Daniels and steal bolts at this point), Nene got the big C from them as well. Shit, George, you better know these guys are gonna be traded, because you've already had too much cancer.

Just learned he wants a long-term extension from the Nuggets. My, what a glutton for punishment you are. What, the daily doses of HULK-Gamma ray quality radiation wasn’t enough for you that you want to subject your sanity to conversations of PRAC-tice with JR, Pusherman Balkman, and Melo’s general disinterest? Get out while you can Georgie K.  

Adrian Dantley: I only include the big man for the fact that he lives in the same building with my buddy @LMCSU2008, who lives in Dantley's old apartment in the building I think and still gets his mail. They interact often, and he is nice enough to put AD's best comments on Twitter. Follow him just for that, but he was also kind enough to give me his favorite AD quotes and a breakdown of our apparent Coach in Waiting:

(AD said) "I was lookin for you in Utah, but I couldn't tell one Mormon from another" (then he laughed awkwardly hard at his own joke) or when he was all pissed during the Lakers conf finals and he said they 'Were gonna stomp them n----s out.' Then we got killed. 

Bottom line is he talks a lot of shit then let's everyone walk all over him when he gets in the spotlight

 Which, if you have followed the Nuggets, is pretty much our entire team does. Especially Melo in the Garden.

Who should we trade Melo for? I think the Italian from NY, a couple draft picks and one of the young bigs, terrible as they are in exchange for Melo and K-Mart would be great. Really, even just draft picks and expiring contracts work. We just gotta get something.

Every day closer to the trade deadline a little more of our trade leverage evaporates. I think I’d be happy for a anything at this point. The Derrick Favors and some number ones package seems more effective to me, allowing the Nuggets to survey the talent it does, or does not, have in what will essentially become a season of exhibition games. Operation NY WOP trade just seems like a grab bag of mediocrity to me. I wish we would have done this deal late last year when the Knicks had a few more players we would have liked a shot at (like David Lee) and giving us a different look at the 2010 free agency market.

Who gets arrested first? Rory, for slapping LaLa at their shared birthday party.

Seriously, I'm gonna go for Lawson for a nightclub altercation.

Birdman coke binge resulting in driving the wrong way down I-25 doing 90. Yeah, our teams so bad I’m wishing relapse on feel good stories.   

Season Prediction: This is what I will write next April:

So another Nuggets season ended with a loss in the first round to (circle one) Los Angeles/Oklahoma City. What a frustrating year. Some huge wins over LA and that classic 2OT battle with the Heat. A lot of disappointing losses like that 168-124 loss to Golden State. But at least JR scored 64 in that one, too bad Stephan Curry went for 80 and the equipment manager scored 14 in mop up duty since Golden State only dressed 6 players for the game. After (fill in the following names in some order; Birdman, Nene, K-Mart, Al Harrington)   __________ tore his ACL, the arrest of ________ for sexually assaulting a clown, ____________ came down with planters vaginosis and ___________ was suspended for his fight with the one of the Maloof brothers over gambling debts/white girl (real one)/white girl (cocaine)  the season was shot (which isn't a pun, sadly, as somehow Marvin Ely actually got shot. No one has bothered to check if he is alive). At least Chauncey gave it a good effort. It was just tough to play a some of those games 4-on-6 when Melo would decide to audition for another team, by literally playing for them. And big ups to David Stern for not giving a shit about any of this, saying  "Fuck off, Denver. You know the finals are going to be Heat/Lakers, unless Kobe gets busy with a flight attendent or something, again. I couldn't give a shit about any team not touching a beach. You too OKC, conference finals are as far as you will ever get. I got my best refs on it."

Why should I even bother watching NBA basketball in Denver for the next 10 years, knowing that 4 teams or so will be the only competitive teams? Denver will never get closer to the NBA promised land than last year. Why should I even watch? Really, help me. No, those reading this out there, all four of you, tell me why I should support this team anymore...(silence and crickets...and then it was silent some more)...No one? Fine.
 

During my intensive NBA betting days of old I used to look for 3 teams at the absolute top and bottom of the league to champion or pick on against the spread. I looked for teams so hopelessly shattered after an early to midseason trade that they couldn’t possibly reset themselves to zero without the aid of an offseason’s worth of free agent acquisitions or trades. We, ladies and genteleman, will become one of those teams so gutted and full of broken pieces that we will get beat by the spread night in and night out on the road (sometimes even at home). 

Watching the media’s general coverage of the Nuggets is like those scenes in gangster movies leading up to a big whack; everyone seems a little too calm, smiling just a little too big, trying a little too hard to make everything appear nice and tranquil. That’s fucking us, we’re Joe Pesci’s character in Goodfellas, we’ve had some good runs at the title as a crew, made a little money, fucked some groupie bitches, and now we’re about to get the death mark as a squad for seasons to come. 

When we look back on this era of the Nuggets, it will be bigot-ly referred to as “The head-band era” full of supremely gifted teams and heavy dosages of rationalization from the front office and the fans. The sad fact of the matter being that we had no choice but to go along with this all flash, no discipline team, it was all we had. Will we call it growth? Probably not, but I hope we do call it a lesson learned.  

“It’s time for a house meeting, I-iiiiight.” Chappelle show.