A List of Things I Hate About CU

I started with the idea to do a list of things that I hated more than that university in Boulder that supposedly reps Colorado, but it was pretty short.

Like Cody Hawkins short.

It included started with cancer and gang rapes, but then I realized those things actually do have a lot to do with CU, so I gave up. But there are a whole lotta things I hate about CU, so let's explore them.




50 Reasons Why I Hate CU: (some of these numbers will correspond, some will be random. Why? Because my hatred flows out of me in this order and I refuse to censor it. I was going for 100, but that is a lot of hate).

1. Because it exists.

2. Because they think they are better than me. I hate anyone who acts like they are better than me. Nothing pisses me off more. And if there is one place that just oozes smug superiority, it is Boulder. Why do they think they are better than Colorado State? I don't really know.

3: "If you can't go to college, go to state:" Alert! We are both universities. This might make sense if you were Colorado College.

4: Hippies: I don't mind people who are real hippies, that live off by themselves in a commune and don't bother me. Fake-ass Boulder hippies that wear leather sandals, love Dave Matthews and only care about getting high piss me off to no end.

5. Fifth Downs: Shouldn't happen.


6: Folsom Field: Props for having it right on campus, but the giant parking lot at Hughes is a much better tailgating atmosphere, even though it is more difficult to reach. Boulder is too segmented.


7: Cody Hawkins: The fact that this tiny little chode beat us twice is depressing to no end, but I do owe him some props due to the fact he has been instrumental in his dad's inability to field a good football team.

8. Pearl Street: Ain't got shit on Old Town.

9. Katie Hnida: Speaking of jersey chasing sluts... Barney was right, she was fucking terrible.



10. Brad Jones: What a fucking idiot. No, seriously. If he really can't learn the name of Kory Sperry, a guy who scored about 10 TDs in his career vs. Jones and CU, he is mentally on par Forrest Gump. Or a genius as far as CU players go. (Midway down in this article you can read his tardlike comments. I don't reccomend it).

11. RTD: Gary Barnett's plan to Return CU to Dominance. Or, the bus CU players now have to take, due to the fact that there education was worthless.


12. Slick Rick: At least his sleazy reign was entertaining. Barnett's was just sleaze. Hawkins, just retarded.


13. Intramurals: Cody should go play them, brother!


14. James Cox: Because the ex-CU backup QB once challenged me to a fight over Facebook. Just because I created a fake Gary Barnett page and told my players to get more rapey.


15.Bison: Your mascot is a bison. Buffalo don't exist in America. But keep trying.



16: Mason Crosby: What a fucking dick this guy was. I mean, his game-winning kicks were one thing, but then he had the audacity to date, cheat on, and then eventually marry one of the prettiest, nicest girls that I have ever met. I hope he slips tomorrow on a banana peel and his ACL tears into a million pieces right now. Or gets hit by truck.


17. Lawrence Vickers: We once had a moment before a game. He gestured at me for making fun of Dusty Sprague. I called him a rapist. He stared me down. I challenged him to a fight. I'm very glad he turned me down.


18. Number of players on the 1987 roster were arrested. 65 were contacted by police. Speak it Sports Illustrated:

Since February 1986 at least two dozen Buffalo players have been arrested, for everything from trespassing to serial rape.

Classy. Proving that CU's pattern of dickhead players was not a new phenomena under Barnett, Nueheisel or Hawkins. In order to be good, the Buffs recruit thugs.

That, or the city of Boulder just hates football players (read; black people).


19. Ralphie: She is a bitch. I can't wait until the day she runs over a CU player. God I hope it's Hawkins Jr.

20: CSU total number of wins: CU fans always claim they are better historically than CSU, pointing toward their 20-59-2 record against CSU. Which is pretty dominant. But CU won 14 of those games before CSU even won a single game in the series (in 1912) and  then 12 straight from 1934-1947, a time when Harry Hughes refused to recruit and offer scholarships to players, beleiving in the purity of amateur sport. CU won 36 games against CU before 1947, while the Rams only won 10. Since, CU holds a 23-10 record over the Rams. Still pretty good, but it overlooks the fact that CU and CSU didn't play for 25 years after 1958, so CU missed playing some of CU's worst squads with some of the better CSU teams.



21. Rae Carruth


22. Volleyball: We own you guys at volleyball. 22-11. Should be more but you always try not to play us.


23. The 70-3 score vs. Texas in 2005. I visited your school that night to party. I kept telling a funny joke. It went:

Me: Wanna hear a funny joke?
CU Person: Okay.
Me: 70-3. Hahahahah.

Hugh Charles really didn't find that joke funny.


24. CU: It is University of Colorado. Way to copy retarded ass Kansas and Oklahoma.


25. Bitching out. 1958 is when you chicken out from the rivalry. We beat you 15-1. It took you 25 years to get over that loss and play us again.


26. The Big XII: You loved to brag about the Big XII so much, until Texas and Oklahoma continually beat your asses, then you bailed.


27. The Pac 10: Enjoy being USC's bitch, even while they are on probation.


28. Nebraska: Trying to make them a big rivalry is a joke. Now they are gone, which means...


29. Utah: You can try to force a rivalry with them. Enjoy. By the way, they will always hate BYU more than you.


30. Super Bowl: So it looks like the rivalry with CSU will become YOUR Super Bowl.


31. Wyoming: They really don't factor into my hatred of CU, but I actually hate them more. CU vs. CSU is a showdown. CSU vs. Wyoming is a fucking war.


32. Dusty Sprague: He is a straight bitch who got fucked up by one Robert Herbert. And he also married one of my old friends. Proving that girls that go to CU are just jersey chasing sluts.


33. Phantom Clips: Only thing worse on that play than the retarded ref, your retarded coaches who punted to the Rocket with a minute remaining.


34: Phantom PI: Called against Joey Rucks in 2006 on a 4th down pass that landed out of bounds allowed CU to win 31-28 in OT. Still makes me sick to my stomach.


35. Tear Gas: If you guys didn't suck so much in 1999, CSU fans wouldn't have been so rowdy and the Denver Po-Po might not have had their moment in the sun.


36. Rushing the Field: Every fucking time you win, in the last five years. It is only cool when we rush your field. Or you beat a top-10 team. But Texas Tech and Iowa State. You probably would have rushed had you beat Montana State. But you didn't.


37. Security Guards: Who tried to strip the football I smuggled into your stadium from my while I ran all over your field last year. Dicks.


38. Bill McCartney: Annoucing his retirement the day of Salaam's 2,000 yard milestone is one of the dickest moves of all-time by a coach. Lane Kiffin thinks that is egotistical.


39. Promise Keepers: The same guy who started the Promise Keepers had a daughter who got preggos by two of his players. Maybe fix your own own house before telling the world how to fix their's.


40. Dan Hawkins: We're back proclamation in 2006 really echoed Dubya's "Mission Accomplished" speach in Iraq.


41. Hostages: After the 2004 loss I stayed with friends in Boulder afterwards. They pretended I was a hostage and displayed me to their friends. If CSU won my friend was supposed to come to Fort Collins and repay the favor. He pussed out. So I desecrated his homemade bar with a giant "CSU 14-10" tag in sharpie.


42. Williams Village: The most ghetto dorm in America.


43. Scotty McKnight: Crazy old Scotty got kicked out of school for threatening to shit on and kill his teacher (or something similar). Bumblefuck Hawkins feels he is a great kid.


44. Marc Sanchez: Like I needed another reason to hate CU, but we had this assclown showing up last year. Shouldn't the fact that he is a friend of Scotty's rule him ineligible? It's all right though, because I'm sure "Scotty doesn't know, where the fuck he is, because Blu just knocked his ass out cold. He thought he caught a pass, now he's on his ass, and refs just said 'It's a fumble.' Scotty doesn't know..."

What kind of grown man calls himself Scotty anyway?

45. Ward Churchill: You ain't even Indian Native American, brother.

46. Chip: Your cartoon mascot is literally named after excrement. What a piece of shit.


47.  Jeremy Bloom: You should not have gone to CU, you should have come to your home. Most of us have watched you since birth, thanks to your dad's class. Sonny really fucked this up. Fuck you for rubbing it in our face.


48: Fum and his boys roll into town and beat you 29-25 in 1948. He comes up with a great song to help relish the victory. He also wore 48. Yup, he taught me to hate CU-Boulder.


49. Rape: I don't like it. Your team tends to enjoy it. This is a problem for me.

50. Again, just the fact that CU exists.

Bonus :The mythical national championship: CU fans love to talk about their ill-gotten NC in 1990 like it makes them worlds better than CSU, like it validates them as a college superpower. And yes, from about 1988-1994 CU was one of the best teams in the nation. Good for you. Other than that run, and a brief surge in 2001, you haven't been shit (and what happened to that 2001 team when it started the season ranked sixth? Oh yes, CSU and MR. BVP spiked them 19-14).

But that 1990 NC is arguably the weakest in college football history. I mean, look at the facts:

-Georgia Tech finished 11-0-1. CU finished 11-1-1. True CU played a harder schedule, but undefeated is undefeated. The AP called CU champs, the UPI called GT champs.
-They tied Tennessee 31-31, with Tennessee getting inside the CU 20 on the last play of the game.
-Lost to #25 Illinois.
-CU barely beat a 5-6 Stanford team, scoring with just seconds left on a very close call (Denny Green still doesn't believe he scored). Stanford later lost to mighty San Jose State.
-CU was a very questionable (some would say phantom) clip call from losing to Notre Dame as the Rocket was ten yards clear of everyone when a block in the back was called.
-CU should have lost to Missouri, again getting a generous spot from the refs on a touchdown on the last play of the game. It was pretty close. Oh, and CU had the fortune of that whole fifth-down thing right before.

When you bring this up to CU fans, they say "So, at least we were good enough to have an oppurtunity to get lucky and win a championship. When has CSU ever been that good?"

How about 2000, when we lost by 3 points on the road in 110+ heat at Arizona State and by 4 points in a blizzard at Air Force. If the refs gave us a couple favorable calls, you could just call us national champs.

So, to summarize, that is 50 reasons why I hate CU. I'm sure you have more to add, so feel free.

Before I'd see my son in Boulder, I'd see my son in hell.