Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 7 and 8

Two Jersey Shore 'sodes this week. That is almost too much Guido. Almost. The Roommate chose the Situation in the drinking game and ended up passing out on his fiance's leg. Double episodes will fuck your shit up. On to the action, crank up that AC y'alll:

-"Only thing that we care about is gettin' girls. And going to the gym." -The Sit. A great response to the Rammy drama.

-Rammy is that annoying couple that is convinced everyone is jealous when everyone is really just sick of them. I hope they fucking die.

-Snooks has really started growing on me. She is so tiny, so bubbly. And she really is the only one that is able to keep the house together. I hope she finally gets fucked. By John Deere. "I've been with goats, sheep, deer, horses." Has she ever been with a man?

-Why is Vinny worried about the Situation wearing a condom? Or is he just worried about what the girl will catch? Probably the latter.

-Jersey tweet of the week. Jack O: The Jersey Shore "family meeting" was like a re-creation of the Lincoln/Douglas debates.

-The Situation just fucks up the situation. He should trade names with Drama from Fantasy Factory, because Drama never causes drama and always ends up in stupid situations.

He destroys that poor girl, fucking her in the hot tub and then not waking her up. Now that is a way to make it onto MTV. Should have just done a porn movie, honey, at least you would have made some money.

-Vinnie vs. The Situation, Round 1: Mike starts off with a few jabs, but Vinnie comes with a fucking haymaker. "No game? That's not what your sister said." Vin gets the points. V=1, S=0.

-Vin's game is my game. I pull girls that my friends know. I am Vinnie. Edy is the Sit. And guess who hooked up with his "little sister?" Yep.

-Vinnie vs. The Situation, Round 2: At the club, Vinnie starts making moves on Mike's sister again. Then he disses her, but the Sit shows some awesome strength with a wicked reversal by forcing Vin back to her. Vinnie throws some solid shots at the Sit by making out with lil' Sis, but it appears that Mike gets the W when he separates the two at the end of the night. That is until the Situation Without Abs sneaks downstairs to spend the night with Vin. The excitement of this contest blows Pack-Cards out of the water. V=2, S=0.

-Pauly D feelin' the Jew. Until she says no sex til marriage. Record scratch. Pauly D is not on the ones and twos.

-AC bitch. Fitting that a shitty Jersey Shore paradise would have the same initials as the shitty Nugget. Even when I boycott the NBA, reminders everywhere.

Apparently it was "Don't make fun of the fatties" week on MTV. Or body image week. Shockingly, almost every girl on the network has an eating disorder. It's like they seem to have a certain profile they look for on this network.

-A girl in a bubble bath has never been less sexy than Snooks and yet I have never seen anyone over 5 have more fun in a tub (maybe Tubgirl, I dunno) than she did. To see the world through her eyes...

-Vinnie vs. Situation, Round 3: The Situation snakes Vin's girl, and Vinnie gets all sorts of bent out of shape. Deservedly so, but you did not give her up, she just straight left. And Vin, I'm sure a girl that slutty had sucked off a couple of dudes that day before even finding the club. Though the Situation does take this round, Vin sneaks in a late, questionable shot at the bell by letting go of J-Woww so she can throw that twirling, backhanded punch. V=2, S=1.

-"We left the club at 4am and we had been there since 12. That's like 5 hours." -Ronald. Stick to knocking fools out.

-No idea why J-Woww wanted the Sit. to leave. Stupid fucked up bitches, cockblocking out of control. If you throw up, you leave yourself. You don't need any fucking help. Unlike the Sit, who hides behind three body guards and talks shit. Last year Brandon Marshall said Joey Porter had "popcorn muscles." I disagree with Mr. Marshall, but Mike has popcorn muscles for sure.

- "If you leave tonight I'm going to stuff your nose with tampons" Snook to J-Woww

-"I don't really remember his face because I was wasted." Snooks, discussing the new love of her life, John Deere. She is on a fucking roll tonight.

-"I'm not trashy unless I drink to much." -Snooks again. Semi-Mike Tyson-ish tonight with the quotables.

-Turns out that Pauly D's girl is a Mossad agent. Or a sneaky jew. Or a Jewish person who is sneaky (all Jewish jokes relate to Always Sunny: The Gang Goes Jihad episode). Anyway, Pauly D doesn't love Jewish girls anymore. Stick with those slutty Wop Guidos, Paul. Racial slurs for everybody, courtesy of yours truly, a dirty Cossak, Hun Slav bastard. (Not that I have been doing research, or anything.)

-Vinnie vs. The Sit, Round 4: Vinnie does a Mike impersonation on the phone. Gets rid of the stalker. Mike mixes up some "old funk juice, with a pickley smell" and hides it in Vinnie's room. Advantage Mike, considering that shit lasted like three days. V=2, M=2. Oh man, it is a barnburner.

-"I'm not pissed off that Mike and Pauly put pickles under my bed, I'm pissed that they wasted like two pickles." -Snooks.

-Whatever they are eating while Pauly D tells that bitch off looks amazing. I want some. Philly cheese-steak. MMMMMMMMM.

-What kind of girlfriend watches their man make out with Snooki and then has her friends break it up. WTF is that all about. Then Snooks goes to find a man, who rocks a wicked chin strap. That is someone you can settle down with.

-Ron-Ron lays the fucking Boom-Boom. "One shot kid. One shot bro." Says Ray Lewis Ronaldino. Who then later claims it is self-defense. Uhhhh, not exactly. Kinda like Gil claiming self-defense with his locker room guns. Watch that cornhole, Ron.

-The way that guy is after being knocked out is awesome. Lofty position. Scotty McKnight is jealous. Face down, ass up, that's what happens when we get fucked up.

Winner of the Vinnie vs. Situation battle: In typical Jersey Shore fashion, we'll find out next week....


ON THE FINALE...DUH, DUH, DUUUUNNNNN

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 5

When we last left Jersey Shore, Snookers had just taken a shot to the jaw. It was beautiful, until MTV cut it. Weak. It was nowhere as tough as the LaGarrett Blount Falcon Punch . Really, those are the two moments that will always stick in my memory when I think of 2009, Snookie and the Blount. Kind of shows what a bleh year 2009 was, that two white bitches getting socked are my defining memories.

Anyway, I know that I am late with this, but I was still so drunk/hungover when this episode first aired that I was incapable of drinking (and I also had to report to work on New Years), and I didn't want to rob you of my drunken opinions of the only greatest reality TV show there is (I wanted to say only, but I have started watching two others. Before you judge, realize one focuses on CSU and the other features some clown from CSU. Maybe more on the latter, later). So without further adieu, here are my snap reactions to episode 5:

-Honestly, how in the world did the Situation not beat some ass. Just one or two swings, even half-hearted and that guy is dining on pussy the rest of his life. He would be a hero for standing up for girls everywhere. Instead he froze like someone shot by Schwartzenager in that awful Batman movie (insert more current reference here). I also like how Ronnie acts like Mike is a bitch, but he didn't do shit either. None of them did. That is weak.

-Mike "El Situation" creeping still after Snooks got blasted was maybe the most hilarious moment of 2009. Just absolutely no class. That is like stealing a man's wallet after he gets jumped, lays bleeding to death, and not calling 911. And yet he still comes off better than some of the other cast-members at the close of this episode. This cast is more shallow than a kiddie pool.

-The cops make Snookie walk home. Jersey Shore Po-Po need to step up. You even make the Bonedale Police look lazy.

-Everyone decides they actually like Snookie after she gets KTFO. As if that is some sort of badge of honor.

-Even Ron-Ron's parents are shallow and all about themselves. Or, as Vinnie calls them, good people. (Wa-Wa-What?)

-Ron, to his mother: "Drink your Mimosa, smoke another cigarette and take it easy." Ron, your mother just wants to get her cancer tan on, don't make her get her cancer smoke on.

-Vinnie is like a fucking lost puppy so far in this show, just tagging along. For fuck's sake, do something. If anyone is playing my game and drafted Vin, you now know how Detroit Lions fans have felt about every draft since 1989 (Barry Sanders, fyi).

-J-Woww's advice to Snook. "Let's drink heavily." Based on that line alone, I want to marry her. She is a woman after my own heart. Every situation can be solved with shots and rapid chugging of beer.

-Snookers, on killing Lobsters: "I don't like to eat anything that is alive when you kill it." Good thing it is a well-known fact that cows are born dead, or else hamburgers would be off my personal menu as well.

-DJ Pauly D, on the strength of his hair gel. : "I'm not sure my hair is bulletproof, but I'm not about to test it." I am willing to bet there is a significant portion of Americans that are willing to test this for you. "I'll play the part of the barber and put a part up in your hair. Sit inside of my barber's chair, I'll let the four-fifths clippers clip a ni--a" Gratuitous rap lyric supplied by Ray Cash- Killa With the Flow (prod. by the Kickdrums

-Pauly D on some girls: "They aren't whores. We might have to see them once or twice." Vinnie piles on. "Some girls will come in and jump into the hot tub. Some girls you have to treat like human beings." I hate bitches that I have to treat as human beings. I want to fuck alien bitches. Mainly illegal alien bitches. You have to pay less that way. And you can beat them up without paying extra.


-FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT. Chick fight and Snookie didn't even get a fresh one in the kisser. J-Woww done Guido Windmilled some bitch. Then, she had to adjust her boobs, because they were pointing completely different directions. Like googly-eyed Jason Ibanez from my high school soccer team (or Stuart Scott, for you non-Carboners)

ASIDE: I see a whole shit load of boob jobs out here in Cali, and all I can say is, girls, go the whole ten yards. Don't half-ass a boob job like J-Woww. I appreciate all boobs, real or fake, but when they look like they are trying to separate like Jon and Kate (whoo, totally out of date reference) it kinda grinds my gears. Make sure you go under the muscles, the over-the-top treatment just doesn't work. Boobs should work together, they should not be trying to avoid each other like the polar sides of magnets.

-Ronald dispenses some great advice, on J-Woww's boyfriend Tom, who is a biggity-bitch: "I would send her a picture of my dick and some bubble gum." If I ever were able to have an ex-girlfriend, I would send her this. I should send this to a bunch like my one hook-up. Look out, (radio edit). This would actually be a nice present since Trophy Wife's mother said I had a nice looking penis once upon a time. Again, this would mean I would have to have a girlfriend, and that will probably never happen, until I am more whipped than Ron-Ron.

-Vinnie finally breaks out. Stealing the bosses bitch. What a way to finish. It only took him five episodes to finally shine. Is he a Chauncey Billups, a late-bloomer who became captain clutch, or is he a Kenny Anderson who teased us with potential and never amounted to shit? The jury is out.

Next Week: Is only two days away. The best part about procrastinating is that you shorten the waiting time. Right?

P.S. The Real World features some kid from CSU. I will update on him as well, but the AZN summarized him best after one episode, and when I can steal material, I do (Ignore her bad grammar):

"thanks to RW23 and Andrew, Colorado is represented as a nerdy, hilarious lying, sexually active but not really at all, racist, retarded, stuffed animal lovin, kind of creepy, kind of awesome state... HEY RAMMIE, way to rep your C-STATERS."

Why the fuck wasn't I on the Real World? Bullshit!

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 4

Guess what? Not much is going on in the sports world, so I live Tweeted Jersey Shore. Now I redo it. Lazy? You bet. Entertaining? Duh.

Mind you these Tweters began at 4:00am, after I got off for work. And keep in mind I finish two monster Whiskey-Sprites while playing my drinking game.

My tweets are numbered and in bold, followed by further explanation not in bold, as if that is needed. Enjoy:



1.  Jersey Shore Drinking Time. @greenaaker turn off your texts haha. The Situation is that I am going to get drunk.
-Last week's Tweet of the Week, if I had actually done that Sack-Up, would have been:
GreenAaker:

Waking up16 times by drunken tweets about #Jerseyshore between the hrs of 3a.m.-6a.m. = Im officially unsubscribing via SMS 2 @messiahthadon
Sorry Benjamin, but at least I warned you this time.


2.  Ron-Ron keeps talking about "The Equation" with Sam. Don't lie Ronny, you can't do math.
-Ronnie's laugh is seriously the dumbest, non-retarded laugh I have ever heard. Brennan, the retard my roomate once punched, laughed more intelligently.


3. J-Woww needs to break it off. Worst two minutes of this show ever. I'm not watching these people for relationships.
-Ugghhhh. Drag. It. Out. A. Little more MTV.
Shit, I couldn't even handle typing it that slow. Let J-Woww get single already. We don't need to wait four episodes for her to get gangbanged. I know it will happen eventually. Pauly D will make her Miss D eventually.


4. "Sex is natural...yada yada" Sam's description. Ron-Ron: "Yeah, we smushed." Succinct, Ronald. Nice.
-Hard to capture this in 140 characters, but nothing illistrates the differences between men and women more than this. Sam goes on for quite a while describing what happens, then they cut to Ron and he sums it up in three words. Ronnie, a journalists dream.


5. Thank God for Sit and Pauly D, at least they have fun.
-You know, and try for unprotected sex. What kind of asshole joins an MTV show with a significant other. Has this ever worked?


6. Snoooookkkkkkerrrrrss gone get done up, y'all. I have a boner. Can't fast forward commercial break fast enough. 
-MTV really played this up well. I was more premature than Jason Biggs in anticipation for this Sucker Punch Heard Round the Shore.


7. Another commercial break...Fuck it, pausing it so I can watch the punch online....Whammy.


8. http://www.nj.com/entertainment/celebrities/index.ssf/2009/12/mtv_jersey_shore_snooki_punch.html Snookered.
-But, like real life, I just found a video online to satisfy my craving.


9. Oh man, her hat just goes flying. 
-It is like a snuff film. I assume. Never watched one. But if there was a Snookers snuff film, I would probably download it.


10. Another commerical break = more watching snookie get punched.

11. Russ/Ron...Shit, I'm surprised Snookie was that close.
-There is a friends episode with a Russ/Ross story line. I may be gay for comparing this.

12. Vinnie is the Ronaldo Balkman of this show. What role does he play? The man is funny, get him some airtime.
-Oh, I finally relate this to sports. About got damn time.

13. Snookers is so pissed she hasn't gotten pounded yet by a dude. Time for the Universe to teach her what Irony is...
-I really wish her mother would have been next to her when she got snapped on. I was fully expecting this. WHAT A FUCKING LETDOWN, MTV.

14. That guy was a (gym) teacher, so maybe he was trying to teach her. In the old "What do you tell a woman with two black eyes" way.
-The joke is that you tell a woman with two black eyes "Nothing. Because you already told her twice." Fucking character limit.

15. I am so calling Brad Lidge "The Situation" next time I'm at a Phillies game.
-hahaha. Yeah jacko2323 said, "When it comes to "closers" nobody is ever going to compare "The Situation" to Mariano Rivera." first, but he also watched it first. I would have come up with this joke as well, it is easy.

16. Jose Mesa actually translates in "La Situation" in Spanish.
-See, I just topped it.

17. J-Woww dancing with "Some toolbag with a blowout." Really narrows it down there. "You see any..." "Only when I open my eyes" /Harold&Kumar'd
-Does J-Woww's boyfriend spell his name Taaaammmm. Because he should. Or maybe Ta-M. Taw-Emmm. He can't be just Tom.

18.I love how even Guidos hate frat guys....@valerie_jb kinda said it first. Greek Life really has a tough PR job. Maybe I should apply there.
-Seriously, being in PR for the KKK is easier than trying to stick up for a frat these days.

19. MTV would pull the actual punch yet make the whole thing a two part episode.
-But you know what this means? More Snooookies fun next week. Holla.