The Weekend Sack-Up: See, winning is better

Forgive me, it has been almost a week without me posting my hilarious pictures and rants (you didn't even notice. Well fuck you, buddy).

It was a big week around the Colorado sports scene, as pretty much everything went well. The only big loss was CSU basketball at UNC, but the Tar Heels are number one in that nation (What's that, Northern Colorado? I refuse to acknowledge such a crazy claim).

Broncos:
Two concerns: 1) Was Bumbles Orton spiking his Gatorade with Jack? Because he was fumblin' and bumblin' like a Keith Jackson wet dream.
2) If KC got some WR open on busted coverages, how open will Piere-Marc-Andre Fluery-Garcon be next week (so help me Joseph Smith's Norwegian Jesus if Austin "Lassie" Collie catches a TD).

Fortunately the Broncos were saved from some embarrassing scores by one man today:

-Everybody remembers that kid from Little Giants, who couldn't catch and got his hands stuck together with Stick 'Em. I never knew that kid was actually Bobby Wade. Certainly made more of himself than Devon Sawa or even IceBox (I wonder when Simmons will do a "What If" on her).

-Remember what started that whole J-Cunty debacle. It was trying to trade for Matt Cassel:

Hmmm, I'm kinda glad we didn't trade for THAT guy.

-Brodie Croyle is the exact opposite of a victory cigar.

Sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words.

-Man, the Chiefs really decided to just hand the game to Denver in the third quarter, especially.

Then again, with the Broncos super special team play thus far against Native American teams, anything could have happened (see; Redskins, Washington).

-The guy in charge of the Chiefs, Todd Haley, is really a raging cunt. I am surprised he didn't murder a back-up today.

-So many jokes about this, but really all I can ask is why?

 

I wonder if Redface is as racist as Blackface?

And why?

Nasty N, it is your job to come up with the appropriate inappropriate jokes for these. It really is your purpose here on Earth.

Nuggets: Busted those bitch ass Spurs up. Didn't lose to the T-Wolves. Good week.
Below is a brilliant video brought to my attention by @tjedy:

What a fucking Princess.


Tweets of the week:
Lance Moorman: "Jacked some asshole who tried to reach in my pockets... I hope your broken nose feels good you ignorant fuck."
And people ask me why I'm on Twitter. This gives me hope one of the many SD hobos will accost me and some point and allow me to haul off and smack a bitch.


Club Trillion: Al Michaels on Jared Allen: "Sooner or later #69 will be in your face." Sometimes it's just too easy.

Honorable Mention: Black Prez: Vicks TD Pass got me kinda teary eyed... So happy...


Avs: An up and down week, but the two goal comeback in the last 50 seconds against Florida to save a point was huge. Hopefully Anderson isn't out too long. But my by Duchene keeps scoring. Matty Ice, baby.

CSU Rams: Besides the blemish against a better-than-they-should-be UNC team, the Rams defeated in-state "Rival" Denver. 5-3 is a pretty good start. Now it is time to fuck up CU and attempt to complete the sweep in every sport that I care about (fb, vb, m&wbb). Wear white if you are in Fort Collins Thursday. For purity of race. Wait, that isn't right. Just because we have one of the least diverse schools in the country doesn't mean we have to show off, right?


Rockies: There are rumors you assholes are gonna bring back Jamie Carroll. This cannot be true and I might renounce my fandom if he comes back. If he and (name redacted) share the 2B role I might just start stabbing random people on the street, or mail bombs around the country in a pattern that resembles a lazy pop out to right center field. YOU MADE ME DO THIS!

Other sports news: Teboner- If I was a worldly fellow like Tim Tebow, I would have seen some stuff that shows me what is really important in life. I used to be a bitch who cried about shit like sports, but then I dealt with real life losses I stopped. I'm sorry, but they should take away his old fucking Heisman for that routine. Adam Morrison-esque, it was.

The Saints- I am so proud of myself for picking Robert Meachem off the scrap heap in fantasy. Best maneuver ever. The early games at the bar where perfect, shit was going crazy all morning long.

The Vikings- Will lose in the playoffs when Brad Childress calls 50 passes for Brettard Favre and doesn't give Purple Jesus the ball.

TCU vs. Boise- They should just mutually agree to not even play. I have dubbed it the Glass Ceiling Bowl. Mike Donovan had this to say: "TCU/Boise St. What a crock. What a lose-lose for both teams. The JV National Championship or the Separate But Equal Bowl." He said it first, but it is my blog so I go first here. No journalistic integrity on this site, buddy.


Happy Hollidays: Oh, it is Christmas season now so I send you off with this lovely ditty.

The Weekend Sack-Up: Things that make you say HMMMMM?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

A sweet sack of Nuggs

A two part Nuggets and NBA preview with resident NBA expert Trevor Edy: In part one, we look at the Denver Nuggets roster and break it down. In part two, due later today, we discuss the entire NBA and make predictions. Sounds like fun, eh?

The last season for Denver was all sorts of Drake- that is was the best they ever had (song kinda blows, by the way). What did the Nuggets do to improve, to have any chance to actually win a title? Not a whole heck of a lot, according to most. Everyone is assuming a perfect storm came up last season for the Nuggs to even get to the Lakers (damn LA teams) as San Antonio sucked and the Nuggs "only" needed to beat the Hornets and Mavs. People seem to forget that this Nuggets team, unlike most of their competitors who restocked, still has room to get better. Other than Chauncey and maybe K-Mart, none of them are on the downside of their career's. In fact, Nene and JR Smith should take huge strides, while Melo can still improve. Unlike SA, Timmay Duncan and Vaginobli are clearly getting up there, Houston, who lost Yao, the Nuggs didn't need to add any big time players.

Join Trevor and I we look at the Nuggs roster and offer some thoughts on the big shots, and who needs to step up: (Edy's additions come in italics, ya dig?)

Carmelo Anthony: What can I say about Melo, he is a fucking stud. He wasn't even on his game for most of last year's postseason and he still killed fools. If he attacks the basket even more, as he was near the end last year, especially when he is struggling, he will win us a championship before all is said and done. He seems to have matured, but he doesn't have to be a leader as much with Chauncey. Just keep lighting up that La, Lalala, and being the smooth, powerful 20 points/game all-star.

(Summer of 2009 was a coming out part for Melo... in the media. He went on late night talk shows and had an "inspiring interview" on ESPN's E:60. Even had a building name after him at 'Cuse.

Kimmel: Syracuse, where you played, is naming a whole building after you....
Melo: Well they should be after I gave all that money to them! (laughter ensues)

That's the Carmelo Anthony we know and love. Actually, he seemed pretty sincere this summer about coming back with a vengeance and being more mature. I think  the Melo of the playoffs last year is the player we will see for the whole year. He has finally come into his own and pending future run-ins with local law enforcement, should be an All-Star in February.)

Chauncey B-b-b-b-Billups: Not much to say. Other than I still, sometimes, have trouble cheering for a Buff. Green and Gold runs deep. Pictures speak louder, and this one needs no LOL-caption. Bawse.

 

(The guy has some big lips, but is a hell of a leader. Mentioned on Twitter that this year's training camp may be his last... uh ohh... Good thing we have AC... (crickets))

J.R. Smith: We won't have him for the first seven games of the season, but who can't wait for JR Swish. Hopefully he has grown up some more; a few less redonk three attempts and more attacking the hoop, a little better defense. Still, he can win a game by himself and he has started to figure out his roll with the team. He improved a ton last season, let's hope the rise continues. Hopefully Chauncey smacked some sense into him as well.

Funny, that old picture has the Huggets former lawncare maintanance guy in the background. Damn glad he moved on to New Jersey.

(Is 2009 going to be the year that NBA lovers drop the phrase "You have to take the good and the bad with this guy (Smith)"?... probably not.. But that's what we love about this guy. He's ghetto and he can ball. He will win us no less than five games on his own. So just be a good friend and take the car keys away from him, because we know he can't drive drunk for shit.)

Speaking of Nuggets that I hate, I would like to move on to the current Nugget player that will make me scream in anger the most. Obviously that player is Anthony Carter. He joins the elite group of players who suck major knob, until I show up to a Nuggs game and they go off. Others in this group include Najera, Vashon Leonard and Francisco Elson, who probably owes me 15% of his Spurs contract since I witnessed in person every quality game in his career.

If George Karl puts AC on Kobe during any key stretches this season, I will stab the closest living thing in my vicinity, which will be one of my roommates' dogs. Get that GK, you will make me Michael Vick some fucking animals if you resort to some dumb shit.

(The only place I want to see AC is in a suit on the sidelines, but yet, don't even bother about coming out of the locker room. His "What the hell was that" turnovers continually increase the blood pressure of fans. No AC we cannot build on this. Let's all hope AC gets many DNP- CD's this season. AC is like that birth control pill "Yaz," leaving you thinking, "So what is it that you do here??" George Karl, please don't make me consult my doctor with any serious side effects. See below.)

Nugget I will hate this season, besides A.C.: Aaron Afflalo. I can't loath anyone as much as I do AC (the Jamie Carrol of the Nuggs, small and he sucks), but I don't see anyone who possesses [2b Rockies]-level suckitude. The only person I can compare is Afflalo, due to his supposed defensive skill and ability to do one thing well on offense (hit threes, [douchebag] did hit 24 home runs), but if he goes on an extended cold streak, I can definitely see conniptions in my future. As of now he gets the benefit of being a 40% shooter from long range last season, far above Dahntay Jones, who should have received an electric shock every time he took a shot longer than four feet from the hoop.

(I have high hopes for both Afflalo and Joey Graham. Afflalo went to a big basketball school and knows how to play on the big stage. He's a guy who is long "a la Dahntay Jones" and can shoot "not Jones." I'm going out on a limb here and saying Kmart may start to return to the piece of jumbled mess under the basketball as I scream at my television set "90 million for you?????? You're fucking with me right now!" Although, I hope this is not the case.)

Most hated Nugget: Kenyon Martin. It is shocking, that on a team that features JR (a guy who killed someone in a car crash and overacts everything), Melo (DUI, Stop Snitchin,' sucker-slap at the Garden), Anthony Carter (DUI), and Birdman (Andre Agassi-dust and Coke, I assume), it is K-Mart that is easily our most hated player. Other than some speeding tickets, I don't really think he has ever been arrested, but he is everything racists NBA-haters point to as wrong with basketball: Big, athletic, black man with limited offensive skill, a huge contract, went to school at Cincy, moronic tattoos, constantly injured, always yelling and acting thuggish, etc.

On the other side, Martin seems to me like a genuinely nice person with a very competitive edge (what do I know, I think Brandon Marshall is a great guy as long he catches TDs). Someone who overcame a childhood stuttering problem, injury problems in college and with the Nuggs to become a major factor in Denver's success last year. Yes, he was part of the problem a couple years ago, but he stepped up in the preseason last year to challenge the team and himself to play tougher defense while supporting George Karl. As much as everyone points to Chauncey as changing this Nuggets team, K-Mart kick started it while Billups was still in Detroit.

And don't nobody wanna fuck with a Bad Ass Yellow Boy.

Bonus youtube: This nastiness. He doesn't do it as much as he used to, but when he goes off, not many people can do it better.


(I still think people will hate on Birdman or "The Birdman" as the national media likes to call him. Everyone hates the mohawk wearing, former using, mustang driving, tatoo'd up white guy. This is common knowledge. Speaking of white guys..... I have nothing to say here since we only have one, after the departure of LK. This may be a positive and negative at the same time. I am having trouble explaining this phenomenon right now considering our only white guy is two years removed from his last TWEEKEND. On that note, Over/Under on how many times the announcers remind us that Andersen served a two year suspension for a drug use... 97.5.. I'll take the over. ) 

Player who most needs to step up: Nene. The one-named wonder will be key to the Nuggets matching last season's success, and any hopes of stealing the Stern Trophy from the Lakers rides on his back. He must dominate down low and he can't let Pau or Andrew Bynum outplay him. That shit is weak. Too much disappearing in the clutch, either with poor play or foul trouble.

Take a page out of Melo's book and lose the dreads as well. The Fro is good to go.

(Bottom line here: Nene needs to pull the tampon out his vag and start playing like we thought he could. Is last year's Nene going to the player of the future? Or will he average 20 and 10 this year carrying the team to their second consecutive Northwest Division crown?? If that is the case, the latter, "He was who we thought he was!!" He needs more touches, which will come as Melo finds out what he needs the TEAM to do. He needs to stop acting like a jackass rookie on defense. Look Nene, you're a foreigner, the refs don't like you, so start playing smarter. Don't let a few mishaps on the defensive end dictate what your game looks like for the remaining 35 minutes. Nene, you are the X-factor. How quickly we forget that he's been in the league for SEVEN years. Goal of the year: make more FG's and grab more rebounds than English words known.. this shouldn't be hard.)

Player I want the Nuggets to add: Deshawn Stevenson. A man who would be locked in the loony bin in normal life, but who now has amassed enough wealth from basketball that he should be considered a national security liability. And, God, how awesome he would each look on the Nuggets roster. He fulfills all the requirements: tons of tatoos, can shoot the three (and semi-autos) accurately, plays tough man-to-man defense and wouldn't take a lot to bring in. 

D-Steve, aka the Locksmith, is not starting for the Wizards, and could probably be had for the Nuggs mid-level exception (I don't know for sure and don't feel like looking this up, Trevor?). Imagine if K-Mart    had the second-most ridiculous above-the-shoulders tatoo on the team (See above pic). The Nuggs add toughness and I have even more reason to rock the "I Can't Feel My Face" move.

Also on my wish list: Stephen Jackson, Shane Battier (number one, really, but there is no way he comes or fits in with this team), Luc Mbah a Moute.

(Denver GM Mark Warkentien has openly said he is not afraid to "bring out the driver" with the mid-level exception, meaning ANYTHING is on the board. But only if things aren't going the way they had thought in a few months. I personally think a guy like Shane Battier would be a great player, but his chemistry with this 'eccentric' team would create issues. Possibly a guy like Al Harrington, Andres Nocioni and even a Josh Howard, who would fit in for OBVIOUS reasons. I.e. someone who could play the 3 behind Melo. I have always wanted David Lee, but he doesn't fit the Denver bill for some reason.)

(Prediction: 48-34, Northwest crown. Portland can go lick a dick, for reasons to come in Part 2. Balkman will be the first one to be in legal trouble: Taking a stab at... Tranny hooker, in an alley, with a strap-on. I win. )

I predict that the first Nugg arrested during the 2008-09 season will be Johan Petro, just to remind everyone that he indeed is on this team. He will try to get into a club by saying he is a Nuggets player, get denied, pitch a fit, and get thrown in the pokey. Even after the roster in shown, the cops won't let him out, as Stan Kronkie will choose to let him rot rather than have to pay him his salary. Times are tough, yaknow.

We shall close with a picture of someone who needs no introduction:

Part two will actually have to come tomorrow. Daddy needs food and to make money. You can't rush this genius.