The Weekend Sack-Up: A Charlie Brown Christmas

Yes, that above picture is pretty much what the Broncos have done to me in each of the last three years. Look at how professional it is.

I should have know better. I should just stop watching, like my parents have (they went whale watching, didn't see one, and still had a better day than me). I even told Boyle that they were going to make it close and then break my heart. Just like I called it last week. Yet they keep pulling me back. Next week I will wake up to watch the early games, convince myself the Broncos have a chance, only to get kicked in the gut at the last possible instant. I should try heroin, as it might be far easier to catch the dragon than be happy with the Broncos.

-Edy pointed out on his Tweeter page that the Broncos defensive celebration is pretty much "N-gga's gotta eat," and Darrell Reid's Twitter seconds that notion. This was the best moment of the game, as he celebrates the fumble he forced that allowed Denver back into the game. I take special pride in the fact that I Tweeted: "Fumble on the kickoff. I'm callin it" only to have it happen just seconds later. I really am Nostradamus.

(Alternate caption was something akin to "Look at my JFK Jr. impression", but I couldn't actually go there. See, I do have a bit of a moral compass. Plus it isn't really current. I'm glad there haven't been any plane crashes lately)

(I wish Twitter would pay me five bucks per mention)

-Yeah, and then this happened. The Savaged joke is due to the fact that the punter's name is Sav Rocca. What a great porn name.

-Excuses are for assholes, and I am an asshole, so:

1. For at least the second straight game, the Broncos opponent wasn't called for one holding penalty. Wicked awesome. And then, with the Broncos pinned deep and the season on the line, the refs threw two flags for holding on the Broncos. Justified, yes, but I am sure the Eagles held at least once.

2. Questionable penalties on Champ and Wesley Woodyard (even Fuckwad Simms Sr. said he didn't see a thing) kept alive an Eagles drive, that gave them their only TD in the second half.

3. There was that little rape that kinda pissed Stokes off

4. And then they tossed him for barely slapping a ref's pinkie.

5. Why did the clock stop after Orton's run with 1:50 left in the game? The Eagles declined the penalty and didn't take a time out. Should have been about 1:10 left when the Broncos punted. Not really a big deal, but the refs were fucking up all day long. Glad the Broncos got a marquee crew.

-This game should be another example of why going for it on fourth down is good. Denver has a 4-and-4ish on there own 13. DeSean Jackson is a great returner. Mitch Berger sucks my balls. Why don't the Broncos go for it? Even changing the field 40 yards in that situation barely takes the Eagles out of field goal range. Giving them the ball at the 45 or the 15 isn't much of a difference with 1:50 left.

It may actually have improved the Denver situation, as you basically have four outcomes after the 3rd down play:
1) What happened.
2) Denver punts and the Eagles take over at midfield. Denver stops them and the game goes to OT.
3) Denver goes for it, gets the first down and then is able to keep control of the clock/drive for a score.
4) Eagles get the ball, in field goal range. Eagles probably don't do anything much on offense, just run it three times and kick a field goal. Denver gets the ball back after the kickoff with about a minute left.

We know the offense has the upper hand in the NFL, so I would rather take my shot at picking up four yards rather than give Donovan McNabb the chance to pick up about 10 yards.

Random Celebrity Shit: So Wild Thing Vaughn Charlie Sheen was arrested in Aspen for beating up his wife, yet I had to see his an goddamn awful Hanes commercials non-stop during the game. Yet El Tigre can't be found. Uhhhh?

On one hand you have: A) a decent actor who is a woman-beater, drug-abuser, adulterer, child-porn loving asshole who made me feel sympathy for retarded Denise Richards by leaving her a voicemail threatening to kill her and calling her the N-bomb illogically, or: B) the best golfer in the world who happened to bang everything that moved and killed a fire hydrant.

Seems the obvious choice to sell me underpants is option A. I would never want to buy a razor because of that other asshole. AMERICA you need to figure your shit out.

Avalanche: While the Broncos consistently kick me in the taint, the Avs are as annoyingly bi-polar. They kick ass one night, then blow a two-goal lead in the last 10 minutes of regulation, then come back to kick ass again. Still, they are first in the division, which is pretty damn unexpected. Chris Stewart is killin' it. And he is black. So guess who my new favorite player is? Fooled ya. It is still Matty Duchene, but Stewie's awesomeness has been crucial for the Avs in the last 20 games.

Nuggets: Not really a big fan of what they have been up to. JR finally going off is nice, but the fact that Chauncey is banged up makes me worry. We need to get another big man as well. More to come soon when I discuss the first-1/3 of the NBA season with the Ice Cream Edy.

Go Fuck Yourself: I'm going to try to add this in every week.  I am going to tell someone to fuck off. This week, it is Stan Van Gundy:

Hey Stan,

Remember when you bitched about the NBA playing games on Christmas. You actually said:

"I actually feel sorry for people who have nothing to do on Christmas Day other than watch an NBA game."

Well, go fuck yourself. Most of us are sick of talking to our families and need something to fill the awkward gaps. Like when I don't know what to say to my soon-to-be step Grandma, you know what fills the gap? Screaming at Kobe.

So sad you didn't get to spend time with your family like you wanted to, but you probably should have thought of your family before you signed up to coach in a sport where you play 82 FUCKING regular season games a year. By the way, Stan, you make millions. You can afford to have Christmas like 30 times a year.

Like any NBA players want to have Christmas off anyway. They would be like Vince Vaughn and Reece Witherspoon in 4 Christmases. Which illegitimate family are they going to choose? Isiah Jr.'s baby momma or Isiah II? Like they want to see Taneshwa again so she can serve them more paternity papers? No way. They can't be in Harlem, San Diego and Houston in the same day. There are greater odds that an NBA player will be in the same town with his child IF they are sent on the road.

GO FUCK YOURSELF

P.S. You look like Ron Jeremy.


Colorado State: Covered in my previous pregaming post. Let's beat some Fresno ass like we are in New Mexico, ya dig?


Joel Dreessen balled out for the Oilers Texans today. Bawse.


Tweet of the Week: The Mike Donovan: "A horse finished second in the voting for AP female athlete of the year! A horse! Congrats Serena you beat a friggin horse."

In Da Club: Not too much going down. Some fool from the Nebraska coaching staff offered me tickets to the Holliday Bowl to sneak into the club. I have to work that night, so no dice for him. Apparently we always charge $50 a head when busy. That is mucho dinero.


New Year's Eve should be awful fun. Awful in that it will be redonkulessly busy with shit shows all over. Fun in that I expect someone to offer me hundreds of dollars to come in.

As well, my boss says that I should basically expect to get raped by drunken girls. Which, depending on the situation and looks of the girl, could range wildly on the enjoyment scale. Whether or not you care, I will share.


This Week: NBA update with Edy and hopefully some new Jersey Shore action.

Shout-out: To Kilometers, for his awesome birthday gift that I finally put into action. The African-American Heritage Game for Kids is now an awesome drinking game. Boyle and I put our heads together and drunkeness exploded. Bong couldn't handle the punishment and spent this morning imitating a dragon.

The Weekend Sack-Up: Things that make you say HMMMMM?

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Pregaming Analysis: Ex-Christian University

*I ramble a bit on this one, I promise future installments in this series will be better and more humorous.

I probably won't have any real pre-game analysis of any upcoming CSU game since I usually don't even get to watch them live anymore and would just rehash what is said in the newspaper, so I will stick with what I know.And while I won't bring you pregame analysis, I will bring you Pregaming Analysis. I stumbled upon this topic while discussing my hatred of Utah's archaic liquor laws in an earlier preview, and I like where that went.

I will share my experiences tailgating before CSU games and give my impressions on the rival fans that we will be facing this week. There will be, of course, a few more Failgate stories than stories of great success.


Let me make one thing clear, I love Colorado State as much as anybody (short of Gary Ozzello and a select few other die-hards), but sometimes I still regret not trying to transfer to TCU. That is how awesome the 12 hours I spent on the TCU campus were.

I have wanted to go to TCU since 2005, when I (and distinguished Collegian writers Trevor Edy and Nick Piburn) made the 13-plus hour trip to TCU for the 2005 game, which actually could have been for the MWC championship. Due to some trouble with the law (something about an MIP and a traffic cone theft charge in the euphoria of the Utah goal-line stand game) I was unable to drive. Fortunately, Edy and Piburn were allowed to borrow a rental car (Chevy Impala, what?) and comped hotel rooms. Sadly, awesome Collegian planning forced us to stay in Bricktown (aka Boom! Oklahoma City /Xzibit) the night before the game, something I still regret to this day, even though their Hooters was excellent. The next morning we traveled the rest of the way to Fort Worth, and due to their Collegian jobs, my friends had to go to the press box, leaving me to Failgate alone.

What did I learn? That if you get a chance to go to TCU, fucking go, doggy. Why?

Because Texas girls are hot and plentiful: I plan on one day marrying a girl from Texas. I love everything about them. They are nice, smile a lot, have that southern charm and drawl, know how to cook, are hot, etc. And of any place I have ever visited, TCU has the hottest, and most, girls. 

The school is about 9,000 students, and about 60% are girls. Hot, Texas born and bred (read: rich) girls. Girls that traveled around in packs at the game and seemingly ambushed me from every direction. I'm not knocking CSU girls, we make them fine, but that was the first time that I ever felt like I was the target. At CSU the bars and parties are usually more guys than girls, especially more guys than attractive girls. At TCU, the girls outnumbered the guys everywhere I looked. Put one guy with two girls, and you can almost guarantee that the girls will get catty fighting for the attention. Put about ten girls to three guys and you have fucking Shark Week.

I got to feel like Sharkbait (Fantasy Factory y'all) as these roving packs of ten sorority girls trolled around handing out pink ribbons (for breast cancer). They would give me the ribbon, we would chat about breasts, the game, the school, and I would tell them that my sister was in their sister sorority (even if she wasn't). Then, when they moved on, I would take off the ribbon, put it in my pocket (probably a dick move), and wait for the next group to come along. In an hour's time of doing this I collected about 12 ribbons and didn't see one group twice.

The people other than the hot girls are also usually pretty entertaining:
At this point in my life when I took this trip, all I knew about Texans were that they invaded Colorado in the winter to ski in blue jeans, thought they were pretty special, liked to drink, were fairly racist and couldn't drive worth shit. Now, four years, two visits, two Texan roommates and a slew of Texan friends later, I have learned a bunch about the state, and I realize that I was pretty much on the money initially. Here are the five things I know for certain about Texans, in addition to the hot women.

1) Texans are very friendly: So friendly, in fact, that drivers will sometimes pull onto the shoulder to let you pass. This is awesome. I now live in Cali, and people pass you on the shoulders while flipping you off with both hands. People at TCU would just come up to meet while I was tailgating alone, decked out in CSU gear, and be genuinely excited to have a conversation. TCU fans wished me and my team luck. It was a little bit disorienting, as they are almost overly nice.

2)Texans love beer: and are pretty liberal about the rules. It is one of the few things Texans are liberal about, other than the 'lectric chair and gun control. But it is awesome to find a place where you can drink your beer in the parking lot without wristband Nazi's stalking you or cops forcing you to poor out your Captain Morgan (all right, it was actually Admiral Nelson, you know I'm cheap).

And they probably won't have a DUI checkpoint leaving the game, because I don't believe they have DUI's in Texas. A certain former roommate of mine told me about wrecking his truck while hammered, and the cop figured that the crash had "taught him his lesson," so he charged him with Obstruction of a Highway. He learned his lesson all right, so well that he later picked up a DUI in Colorado, when upon leaving one of our party's, he hit our house, hit three cars (two in our driveway, one in our neighbors) and almost ran me over while I tried stop him from driving...too the fucking liquor store to buy more Keystone Ice (He, thankfully, has fully learned his lesson this time).

So maybe they are a little too lax on this in Texas, but you know, everything is bigger there, even the legal limit.

3) Texans talk a big religious game... but they don't really back it up. Some may see this as negative, but I like it. Texans say they are God-fearing, and I think generally want to believe it, but they can't don't really read the bible (too busy learning the state cactus or how to take a horseshoe dip of Cope).

Instead they are really more immoral than almost any other group of people, yet not on the surface. It is not like you are visiting Las Vegas or Vice City, some place where a lack of convictions are flaunted to the point it is almost disgusting. Texans have this nice and clean surface, and they work to keep it that way, but with just a little coaxing they abandon all pretense.

It is Texas Christian University, but as I was told repeatedly by people after a couple of drinks, "We no longer have any religious ties." Awesome, but I still bet your father feels a little safer sending his little girl to a school with Christ in the name, even if it is common knowledge that he peaced out years ago.

4) Texans are not shy: They are who you thought they are, as Denny Green would say. Again, this is one of those positives that can quickly switch negative, but it sure makes conversations easier. Ask a question, and just wait for the opinions to roll out. Everyone is a little country, not concerned with being rude, and almost certainly...

5) Texans are racist: This is not a secret, but it still shocks me just how unabashed Texans are about it. It is just inherent. Words (specifically the N-word) that are off-limits will be tossed around like candy, and you will be the weird one for noticing. Whenever I ask my Texas friends about this most deny that they are actually racist, and take great pride in making it clear that they have black or Mexican friends. It is just that this is the way they grew up talking and they won't change now (Texans are also very stubborn).

Failgate: About three hours before gametime, after I spilled a beer on my lap when I was attempting to pour it into a 7-11 cup, thinking that I had to hide my drinking from the law.  I was in enough legal trouble at the time from stealing a traffic cone after the Utah goal-line stand (another Failgate altogether), yet somehow I thought that sitting behind the wheel of a car and drinking equated a low profile.It made sense at the time. After letting my pants to dry off with the car's fans pointed directly at my crotch (a wonderful sensation) while I drank three beers, I decided to say fuck it and go mingle. It was a fairly warm day, and no one noticed. Or everyone was too late to point it out.

A year later, a certain journalist (who may have been at this TCU game) claims to have had a similar Failgate, but all those who witnessed it said that he actually pissed himself Miles Davis-style. There are pictures on Facebook of everyone pointing at his soiled pants. Glad no one was with me to make it any more embarrassing.


I swear to you that all future Failgate stories will be better and much more embarrassing for me.

Here is my quick, actual game analysis:
I don't think CSU has a realistic shot. I do think that they will cover the 20-ish point spread, and I hope that they finally put together a full game and pull off the third biggest win in program history (No. 1: Arizona in 1994, No. 2: CU in 2002). But I just don't see it happening.

We will need Mason over 150 yards, Mosure with at least one big (40+ yards) play, Greer to use Stick-em instead of Crisco, Stucker to not throw to the purple guys and a hell of a defensive effort. And a great deal of luck.

Still, good luck Rams.