So I apologize for the abscence of this blog lately, but I lack a computer and spare time recently due a recent internship. Still, two weeks without bloggity goodness is horrible for you poor homers out there who hang on my every word, so here you go.
We step into my mind for several random thoughts and stories from the last couple weeks. Some are sports related, but several are nowhere close:
-I have found that corn chips and peanut butter are not a bad combo. Especially crunchy pb.
-Not having a computer makes me feel so strange. I have made due with the iPhone but I have used my computer as my tv, DVD player and main communication device for almost five years. It was the first thing I turned on in he morning and the last I turned odd. Really a minor miracle it lasted for almost five years.
-The only thing that ever get me misty-eyed are sports movies. When G-Baby dies at the end of "Hardball" I came as close to crying as I have in 3 1/2 years, only time that was in the ballpark was when my grandmother passed away. I am kinda fucked up.
-Fuck Sidney Crosby and all of Canada.
-I have accepted a few techno songs as all right, but after five hours of it during and indoor pool party (sans pool? at the Hard Rock) I have jumped squarely back on he fuck techno bandwagon.
-Is there a list of 200 songs every dj in the world can pick from or do people who dj just all have the exact same taste in music? (DJ Stringer Bell excluded, of course).
-Trevor Edy is Words With Friends as the Chicago Cubs are to baseball. He started out hot wayback against me, now he is inventing horrible ways to lose. It is like 8 games in a row now, almost all coming down to the last word. Suck it, Ice cream boy.
-I now work with a kid whose nickname is worse than mine. I am Stretch, he is Boner Face.
-On Sundays at work we started Circut Sundays, a night for alternative types (or Thuper thundays according to many of the gays). Let me tell you it was surreal.
-In the midst of this modern gemmorah I learned exactly what it feels like to be the hottest girl in the bar. I was hit on constantly by both gays and girls, so much to the point that I had to stay moving to avoid akward convos. It did give me some good insight what to do and not to do when hitting on girls. Almost made me feel sorry for girls and make me change my ways, but then the gays would have won and I can't have that.
-I think the best pickup line was from the guy who said I looked like superman, but then told me I looked like the superman from Smallville. The best move was the girl who kept sneaking up behind me and trapping me with her Cupid arrow. She wasalso wearing a see-thru pink top with tassles. That didn't hurt.
Still, imagine that confliction in your brain, hot girls dancing around basically naked just feet from two dudes playing tummysticks. Both aroused and shocked at the same time. I think my soul may have split into two at that exact moment.
-everyone in San Diego is a complete skeezball. I habe had at least three bosses try to impress me by discussing how the wanted to cheat on their girlfriends. Check out this quote from my diuchy redheaded boss:
"my girlfriends hot friend hooked up with some random dude last night. She couldn't even remember his name but he told me he hit it rawdog. I'm so jealous. I wanted to do it. Oh, she's a kindergarten teacher."
You stay classy, San Diego.
-I haven't been able to download my random 10 songs a week so I have been listening to alotta of old music. For some reason I have an inproportionate number of Rick Ross songs on my phone, not that I rally mind, but I justlaugh at how over the top and rediculous his lyrics are, but it turns out he is actually telling the truth in one.
"Daddy never knew that chocolate milk make you fart real bad."
So true. Maybe he really does traffic billions of dollars of yayo.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
NBA w/ Edy All-Star Bonanza
Well, this took Forever to put together mostly because Edy sucks at life and because when he finally got around to fulfilling his duties my computer decided I had downloaded too much porn, music and stupid pics of Marmalard to continue. RIP 2005 Dell. You served me well.
Anyway, we welcome back Edy and his shenagins to discuss the NBA's fiery half. Keep in mind; A) I have spent much of the last few months boycotting the NBA B) I'm trying to type this while on an iPhone, C) Edy will speak in italics or should,but Blogger is being quite the silly little faggot about this.
We finally are doing this:
Worst prediction from our preview: Well, I have to go with my Wizards/Gilbert combo. That was a gamble that didn't pay off (rimshot). I just gave it my best shot (guitar riff). I knew Gil used to be a shoot-first player and he was looking to get other players their shots (cymbal crash). It's a good thing they changed the team name to Wizards so that there were no Bullets in that locker room. /End of shitty Leno jokes.
I just love how Pucak’s one major go-out-on-a-limb prediction backfired (had to say it) right in his face. His guy isn’t even playing anymore. And the Wizards are a bottom feeder in a poor Eastern
Conference. Things I enjoy: Calling Pucak out when he is wrong on all accounts.
Uggggghhhhh. I already wrote about this, so I won't get into it too much, only to say that I will be breaking my NBA boycott soon. I now know how long Gil is suspended, and I guess the rest of the season is appropriate. I had a dream he signed with the Magic for next season, which would be pretty sweet.
The only good news for me on the improved player/team front is that Washington and Houston, Edy's pick, are both tied for 11th in their respective conferences. Just don't look at their records, please.
(Pucak uses a classic Edy tactic in an effort to compare the two, too bad their records say otherwise… 17-32 vs. 27-23…. Uhhh, no brainer)
Pucak struggling early after an 0-2 start.
Now, I know my surprise team, Houston, has not performed that well. They “let go” a guy who was making nearly 23 MILLION this year, in
T-Mac. Yes, this year, look it up. They have no true scorer, but are surrounded with a bunch of guys I would want on my team, ala Shane Battier. Needless to say they are only one game out of the West playoffs (Feb. 3).
Turns out I was wrong about Emaka Okafor (DOY), Ramon Sessions(Surprise Player) and Dallas being a disappointing team... oops.
I also almost had a terrible prediction about Greg Oden being the most improved player, especially after he blew up his knee. BUT after naked pictures of Greg and his third arm showed up on the interwebs and he apologized by saying "he had grown a lot" since. I think this qualifies as improvement.
Greg Oden: Where making white girls swoon happens (Literally, my girlfriend wouldn’t stop staring. I then gave her the “reality” of the situation and performed a short demonstration with my fist. She then did the “Melo grimace” and walked off.) Somehow this was swept under the rug with a short apology from Greg. Probably the most publicity he will get all season. I still don’t get the logic in standing in front of a mirror to take a picture of your anaconda in hopes to find it a home in an unsuspecting white girl’s pork sauna. Maybe it’s an athlete thing. I guess this is improvement.
Nene: Earlier this season, Edy went off on Twitter, saying: "Random thought of the night: Nuggets need to cut their loses with Nene and move on. Never became the player we thought.
-"Every year we think he will be allstar worthy, just never is."
-"Inconsistency kills him Not a defensive star to make it worth it."
-"Let's not forget that he's been in the L for 7 years, at some point we have to realize, this is who he is. #ComingToGrips"
While Nene hasn't been a stud, getting the 20-10 that Edy thinks he should get, he should have been an all-star this season.
If you don't think he has played well, how do you explain him and K-Mart being the two consistent performers for the Nuggs while Melo, JR and Chauncey sat out. He is pouring in 14 and grabbling over 8 rebounds per game, often times as the fourth or fifth option. If he played on a team that didn't have quite so many scorers he would be getting 20-10. He does everything the Nuggets ask; scores almost 60% of the time he touches the ball, plays tough interior defense on the opposing teams center (even leading the team in steals), grabs boards and doesn't get pissy when he gets less touches than the stars.
Shit, almost any team in the league would kill for him, and if we could get one more big man on this squad to help Nene switch to the 4 the Nuggs might be able to take LA.
Thanks for the alley-oop, Pucak. This past Monday, the Nuggets hosted the Kings, a team that they struggle to matchup with. On paper, Nene should have dominated the front court as he was going up against the likes of Spencer Hawes, Jason Thompson and Jon Brockman… Nene finished with a “stellar” 14 and 6 on 6-of-10 shooting as the Nuggets got outrebounded by 15. If it wasn’t for Kmart playing like an all-star this past month (finished with a 24 and 12), we would have lost a few.
You’re correct Pucak, Nene doesn’t bitch about not getting the ball, because he doesn’t care! Unnamed sources say Nene is going to retire after his contract is up in two years… We will see. The only
consistent thing about Nene this season has been his left-handed finger roll/dunk move. It’s a guaranteed two points, he’s just the only one in building not to realize it. Anytime you’re huge and
athletic while constantly having mismatches down low, but still have the opportunity to play like a bitch, you have to take it right?? This is annoying, and I’m starting to annoy myself. I’ll stop now.
JR Smith's struggles: He has not shot the ball well at all this year. Why? I'm thinking two things; 1) He spent some of the summer in the pokey and then was suspended, so he never got in rhythm. 2) He is now signed to Young Money Athletes which means he officially has to be on top of the game for a few months and then spend the rest of the time singing dipshit autotune crap.
I thoroughly enjoy JR’s YM connections. I wish I could say that about his defense and overall attitude toward the game.
Melo vs. Chauncey for Nuggs MVP: I am going with Chauncey. He has carried the team when Melo is out, but the team has bombed without Chauncey. He cares not about himself but for the team. Plus, he has come up with some huge performances, like dropping all those bombs on the bitch ass Lakers. (and there were about 10 more paragraphs here, but then my computer shit the bed.
Toss up right now. Although no other player on the roster will vie for team MVP, Kmart and Aaron Afflalo have been playing lights out as of late. Breaking news: Kmart has a brain and is using it. He realized that he needs to step up in Melo’s absence. And AA is on a whole ‘nother level. Making some huge shots down the stretch. We need to keep this guy.
Side note: The majority of the Nuggets’ last name roster resides in the first three letters of the alphabet. Afflalo, Allen, Andersen, Anthony, Balkman, Billups, Carter. Yeah I know, third quarters of NBA games bore me.
Melo's chances for MVP: He needs to have a few crazy games down the stretch and it wouldn't hurt if Bron-Bron got hurt. He isn't bionic, right? He just missed too much time. But I still feel he is first team All-NBA worthy.
Melo’s injuries will hurt him in the long run, but I think this will make him better in the playoffs. He lets things go to his head too easily (i.e. scoring title) and it affects his game. My prediction: He
finishes 5th.
Nuggets LVP: George Karl, hands down. You know it’s a bad thing when ANY inbounds play that results in a turnover at ANY level of basketball has people saying “They ran the George Karl. FUCK, they ran the Karl!” (hands immediately go to the head)… I really wonder what goes on in the timeout preceding an inbounds play. It’s almost likeGK just hands over coaching duties to high-as-fuck Balkman. We would be much better off running the “Helen Keller,” where everyone just
runs around with their eyes closed, setting picks and ‘feeling’ out the defense.
The Birdman. Injuries and non-contract year have killed him, but he isn't performing as well as we need. He needs to get his shit together.
I know Simmons loves him, but when do we start hating Durant? I mean, when he finally beat us once. He is going to get annoying real soon.
Except, not really… Not sure how you can hate Durant. Seems like a good guy, odds are that he has a smaller cock than Oden. Pure scorer and is getting progressively better from the field. These guys may be scary in the playoffs.
The Durant lovefest is over for me. He already gets more calls than Melo and is way less aggressive.
Favorite Underground Story of the Year: Sandiata Gaines or whatever.
Does anyone else realize that none of the Nuggets have been in any legal trouble this year???? The NBA,….. It’s FAANNtastic.
Headlines I don’t want to see: “Nuggets may bring back Camby”….. Mark Warkenstein, you know better to bring back that frail piece of shit we
call “defense.” Pucak would do a better job on the defensive end, he’s white and extremely uncoordinated.
Only thing worse would be "Nuggets trade for Najera, Boykins." God I hate those assholes. I am upset we didn't get Brendan Haywood.
Newer guys we enjoy watching: Omri Casspi (Kings). Guy can hoop and light it up from downtown. Plus, we have unlimited Jewish jokes when he is on the court, in that case, everybody wins.
Except for Germans.
I am going to have to go with John Wall. Oh, wait, he's not in the league yet. My bust. I guess I'll go with Stephan Curry. Much better than I expected and in the perfect system.
Let's revise our predictions as well. (Original predictions in parenthesis)
Predictions: Trevor/Matt
Eastern Southwest: Atlanta (Miami)/Orlando
Central: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Cleveland
Atlantic: Boston (Boston)/Boston
Western Southwest: Dallas (Houston)/San Antonio
Northwest: Denver (Denver)/Denver
Pacific: LA Lakers (Los Angeles Lakers)/LA Lakers
Eastern Conference Champ: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Boston
Western Conference Champ: LA Lakers/Stern (LA Lakers)/San Antonio
NBA Champs: Cleveland (Cleveland)/San Antonio
Most Valuable Player: LBJ (Lebron James)/Lebron
Rookie of the Year: Tyreke Evans(Brandon Jennings)/Tyreke Evans
Defensive Player of the Year: Josh Smith (Dwight Howard)/Dwight Howard
(even if Battier deserves it)
6th Man: Jamal Crawford (Rasheed Wallace)/Jason Terry
Most Improved Player: Monta Ellis (Emeka Okafor)/Josh Smith (Greg Oden)(which big
man will suck less)
Surprise Team: Toronto (Houston)/Memphis
Surprise Player: Monta Ellis (Ramon Sessions)/Tyreke Evans
Disappointing Team: Washington(Dallas)/New Orleans
Your player predictions are on point. I will begrudgingly admit that. Fuck.
Anyway, we welcome back Edy and his shenagins to discuss the NBA's fiery half. Keep in mind; A) I have spent much of the last few months boycotting the NBA B) I'm trying to type this while on an iPhone, C) Edy will speak in italics or should,
We finally are doing this:
Worst prediction from our preview: Well, I have to go with my Wizards/Gilbert combo. That was a gamble that didn't pay off (rimshot). I just gave it my best shot (guitar riff). I knew Gil used to be a shoot-first player and he was looking to get other players their shots (cymbal crash). It's a good thing they changed the team name to Wizards so that there were no Bullets in that locker room. /End of shitty Leno jokes.
I just love how Pucak’s one major go-out-on-a-limb prediction backfired (had to say it) right in his face. His guy isn’t even playing anymore. And the Wizards are a bottom feeder in a poor Eastern
Conference. Things I enjoy: Calling Pucak out when he is wrong on all accounts.
Uggggghhhhh. I already wrote about this, so I won't get into it too much, only to say that I will be breaking my NBA boycott soon. I now know how long Gil is suspended, and I guess the rest of the season is appropriate. I had a dream he signed with the Magic for next season, which would be pretty sweet.
The only good news for me on the improved player/team front is that Washington and Houston, Edy's pick, are both tied for 11th in their respective conferences. Just don't look at their records, please.
(Pucak uses a classic Edy tactic in an effort to compare the two, too bad their records say otherwise… 17-32 vs. 27-23…. Uhhh, no brainer)
Pucak struggling early after an 0-2 start.
Now, I know my surprise team, Houston, has not performed that well. They “let go” a guy who was making nearly 23 MILLION this year, in
T-Mac. Yes, this year, look it up. They have no true scorer, but are surrounded with a bunch of guys I would want on my team, ala Shane Battier. Needless to say they are only one game out of the West playoffs (Feb. 3).
Turns out I was wrong about Emaka Okafor (DOY), Ramon Sessions(Surprise Player) and Dallas being a disappointing team... oops.
I also almost had a terrible prediction about Greg Oden being the most improved player, especially after he blew up his knee. BUT after naked pictures of Greg and his third arm showed up on the interwebs and he apologized by saying "he had grown a lot" since. I think this qualifies as improvement.
Greg Oden: Where making white girls swoon happens (Literally, my girlfriend wouldn’t stop staring. I then gave her the “reality” of the situation and performed a short demonstration with my fist. She then did the “Melo grimace” and walked off.) Somehow this was swept under the rug with a short apology from Greg. Probably the most publicity he will get all season. I still don’t get the logic in standing in front of a mirror to take a picture of your anaconda in hopes to find it a home in an unsuspecting white girl’s pork sauna. Maybe it’s an athlete thing. I guess this is improvement.
Nene: Earlier this season, Edy went off on Twitter, saying: "Random thought of the night: Nuggets need to cut their loses with Nene and move on. Never became the player we thought.
-"Every year we think he will be allstar worthy, just never is."
-"Inconsistency kills him Not a defensive star to make it worth it."
-"Let's not forget that he's been in the L for 7 years, at some point we have to realize, this is who he is. #ComingToGrips"
While Nene hasn't been a stud, getting the 20-10 that Edy thinks he should get, he should have been an all-star this season.
If you don't think he has played well, how do you explain him and K-Mart being the two consistent performers for the Nuggs while Melo, JR and Chauncey sat out. He is pouring in 14 and grabbling over 8 rebounds per game, often times as the fourth or fifth option. If he played on a team that didn't have quite so many scorers he would be getting 20-10. He does everything the Nuggets ask; scores almost 60% of the time he touches the ball, plays tough interior defense on the opposing teams center (even leading the team in steals), grabs boards and doesn't get pissy when he gets less touches than the stars.
Shit, almost any team in the league would kill for him, and if we could get one more big man on this squad to help Nene switch to the 4 the Nuggs might be able to take LA.
Thanks for the alley-oop, Pucak. This past Monday, the Nuggets hosted the Kings, a team that they struggle to matchup with. On paper, Nene should have dominated the front court as he was going up against the likes of Spencer Hawes, Jason Thompson and Jon Brockman… Nene finished with a “stellar” 14 and 6 on 6-of-10 shooting as the Nuggets got outrebounded by 15. If it wasn’t for Kmart playing like an all-star this past month (finished with a 24 and 12), we would have lost a few.
You’re correct Pucak, Nene doesn’t bitch about not getting the ball, because he doesn’t care! Unnamed sources say Nene is going to retire after his contract is up in two years… We will see. The only
consistent thing about Nene this season has been his left-handed finger roll/dunk move. It’s a guaranteed two points, he’s just the only one in building not to realize it. Anytime you’re huge and
athletic while constantly having mismatches down low, but still have the opportunity to play like a bitch, you have to take it right?? This is annoying, and I’m starting to annoy myself. I’ll stop now.
JR Smith's struggles: He has not shot the ball well at all this year. Why? I'm thinking two things; 1) He spent some of the summer in the pokey and then was suspended, so he never got in rhythm. 2) He is now signed to Young Money Athletes which means he officially has to be on top of the game for a few months and then spend the rest of the time singing dipshit autotune crap.
I thoroughly enjoy JR’s YM connections. I wish I could say that about his defense and overall attitude toward the game.
Melo vs. Chauncey for Nuggs MVP: I am going with Chauncey. He has carried the team when Melo is out, but the team has bombed without Chauncey. He cares not about himself but for the team. Plus, he has come up with some huge performances, like dropping all those bombs on the bitch ass Lakers. (and there were about 10 more paragraphs here, but then my computer shit the bed.
Toss up right now. Although no other player on the roster will vie for team MVP, Kmart and Aaron Afflalo have been playing lights out as of late. Breaking news: Kmart has a brain and is using it. He realized that he needs to step up in Melo’s absence. And AA is on a whole ‘nother level. Making some huge shots down the stretch. We need to keep this guy.
Side note: The majority of the Nuggets’ last name roster resides in the first three letters of the alphabet. Afflalo, Allen, Andersen, Anthony, Balkman, Billups, Carter. Yeah I know, third quarters of NBA games bore me.
Melo's chances for MVP: He needs to have a few crazy games down the stretch and it wouldn't hurt if Bron-Bron got hurt. He isn't bionic, right? He just missed too much time. But I still feel he is first team All-NBA worthy.
Melo’s injuries will hurt him in the long run, but I think this will make him better in the playoffs. He lets things go to his head too easily (i.e. scoring title) and it affects his game. My prediction: He
finishes 5th.
Nuggets LVP: George Karl, hands down. You know it’s a bad thing when ANY inbounds play that results in a turnover at ANY level of basketball has people saying “They ran the George Karl. FUCK, they ran the Karl!” (hands immediately go to the head)… I really wonder what goes on in the timeout preceding an inbounds play. It’s almost likeGK just hands over coaching duties to high-as-fuck Balkman. We would be much better off running the “Helen Keller,” where everyone just
runs around with their eyes closed, setting picks and ‘feeling’ out the defense.
The Birdman. Injuries and non-contract year have killed him, but he isn't performing as well as we need. He needs to get his shit together.
I know Simmons loves him, but when do we start hating Durant? I mean, when he finally beat us once. He is going to get annoying real soon.
Except, not really… Not sure how you can hate Durant. Seems like a good guy, odds are that he has a smaller cock than Oden. Pure scorer and is getting progressively better from the field. These guys may be scary in the playoffs.
The Durant lovefest is over for me. He already gets more calls than Melo and is way less aggressive.
Favorite Underground Story of the Year: Sandiata Gaines or whatever.
Does anyone else realize that none of the Nuggets have been in any legal trouble this year???? The NBA,….. It’s FAANNtastic.
Headlines I don’t want to see: “Nuggets may bring back Camby”….. Mark Warkenstein, you know better to bring back that frail piece of shit we
call “defense.” Pucak would do a better job on the defensive end, he’s white and extremely uncoordinated.
Only thing worse would be "Nuggets trade for Najera, Boykins." God I hate those assholes. I am upset we didn't get Brendan Haywood.
Newer guys we enjoy watching: Omri Casspi (Kings). Guy can hoop and light it up from downtown. Plus, we have unlimited Jewish jokes when he is on the court, in that case, everybody wins.
Except for Germans.
I am going to have to go with John Wall. Oh, wait, he's not in the league yet. My bust. I guess I'll go with Stephan Curry. Much better than I expected and in the perfect system.
Let's revise our predictions as well. (Original predictions in parenthesis)
Predictions: Trevor/Matt
Eastern Southwest: Atlanta (Miami)/Orlando
Central: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Cleveland
Atlantic: Boston (Boston)/Boston
Western Southwest: Dallas (Houston)/San Antonio
Northwest: Denver (Denver)/Denver
Pacific: LA Lakers (Los Angeles Lakers)/LA Lakers
Eastern Conference Champ: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Boston
Western Conference Champ: LA Lakers/Stern (LA Lakers)/San Antonio
NBA Champs: Cleveland (Cleveland)/San Antonio
Most Valuable Player: LBJ (Lebron James)/Lebron
Rookie of the Year: Tyreke Evans(Brandon Jennings)/Tyreke Evans
Defensive Player of the Year: Josh Smith (Dwight Howard)/Dwight Howard
(even if Battier deserves it)
6th Man: Jamal Crawford (Rasheed Wallace)/Jason Terry
Most Improved Player: Monta Ellis (Emeka Okafor)/Josh Smith (Greg Oden)(which big
man will suck less)
Surprise Team: Toronto (Houston)/Memphis
Surprise Player: Monta Ellis (Ramon Sessions)/Tyreke Evans
Disappointing Team: Washington(Dallas)/New Orleans
Your player predictions are on point. I will begrudgingly admit that. Fuck.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
If you aren't cheering for the Saints you have no soul...
Or you are Scottish and fail to understand what America is all about. I really don't understand why else you would cheer for the Colts? Pey-Pey is funny, but when he plays football he is kind of a dick ("Goddammit Donald") and so good it isn't fun to watch (except that pass to Austin Collie. That may bethe best pass I have ever seen). But it is like rooting for the robots in the Matrix, instead of Trinity to die. It is just more fun hate the Colts.
Even Big Celly Cell, the biggest Colts fan I know is over the Colts this year. Check this:
Then I asked my boy Kevan to give me reasons to cheer for the Saints. He is the biggest Lil' Wayne fan I know, even bigger than Teej and I, so that qualifies him to speak on the Nolia. Here is what he came up with:
THE WINDS FROM HURRICANE KATRINA COME OUT OF NOWHERE TO PUSH THE FIELD GOAL WIDE RIGHT!!!!!! OMFG
Yes, the Saints will literally win because of Hurricane Katrina. Not metaphorically. GOD doesn't make mistakes. He was testing Drew Brees and Reggie Bush with that whole Hurricane/Slurricane thingy. And my Broncos will never win a Super Bowl again because I got drunk and laughed at Katrina. Drew Brees didn't laugh, he was picking up orphans and throwing them to safety in Baton Rouge. Jon Vilma actually emptied all the water out of the 9th Ward with just a single bucket. The Saints players literally all are now Sainted by the Church for their heroic actions. That is why they are in fact named the Saints. Look it up. Lake Pontchartrain was actually build by Archie Manning. Who is Peyton's dad!!!!! Peyton can't beat the Saints. It is cosmically ordained.
Oh, and that storm was also sent to punish New Orleans for all the gays and debauchery, so since all those people are now dead God doesn't dislike the Big Easy anymore. George Bush new what he was doing when he told New Orleans to "just fucking deal with it yourselves." He was preparing Drew Brees for the Super Bowl. I mean, the Colts pass rush is tough, but Breesus Christ stood tall in the pocket and delivered while being perused by floodwaters that were too strong for the levies. Dwight Freeney and Rashard Mathis, shit, he won't be bothered a bit.
I am also sure the memory of the Saints' championship will make Weezy F so happy. And isn't that really all we care about?
Even Big Celly Cell, the biggest Colts fan I know is over the Colts this year. Check this:
Uhhh, if the Colts lost Cell then they sure as hell aren't getting me on their side. And why would I cheer for their coach? The corpse in Weekend at Bernie's was more animated. I like to see a coach who has earned it, which would be Sean Peyton. He and Brees have turned that franchise around.I cannot write a paragraph about why people should cheer for the Colts, because they are too dominant. For the first time in years, I found myself thinking that cheering for the Colts was not as fun as it had been in previous years. The Colts success began to annoy me, and then they sat the starters against the Jets, and you remember Manning's face on Sportcenter. The front office delivered a slap in the face to Peyton and the boys by sitting them for the half. I do not believe that Indy or Manning needs another Superbowl to cement his place in history. It would be real nice to see Sean Payton, Brees, and Vilma get a ring. Not to mention the moral of New Orleans if the Saints go on to win.If you need a reason to cheer for the Colts, look no further than number 18 and the rookie head coach.
Then I asked my boy Kevan to give me reasons to cheer for the Saints. He is the biggest Lil' Wayne fan I know, even bigger than Teej and I, so that qualifies him to speak on the Nolia. Here is what he came up with:
Top 3 Reasons the Universe wants the Saints to WinAnd then he added this, which may be the most important reason:
Everybody likes a little bit of an underdog right?
1) Fate: Archie Manning was a straight up iron man when he threw for Los Santos 3 odd decades ago, and he raised both of his Super Bowl Champion sons in the city of New Orleans. He was kind of the Brett Favre of his day, played the bulk of his career in NOLA, and spent the last two seasons being a troubadour as a Houston Oiler and a MN Viking. Now that both his sons got rings, its time for his city and alma mater to bring home the hardware for the sake of symmetry.
2) Drew Brees’ next contract: Over the last few days, ESPN has been force feeding all of us the fact that Peyton and Drew are gonna re-up next year with their teams. Summarized, Peyton is up to his nuts in the front office’s guts in Indy, we all know he’s getting paid no matter what, probably fixin to be the highest paid player in the the history of the sport, and he deserves it, he’s the best play caller and smartest all around QB certainly of his generation, and in the running for that of every other generation. That said, Brees is more exciting to watch because he won’t duck away from the hit in order to make the play, and while he’s not getting Peyton money no matter what, the first Lombardi trophy in New Orleans would probably earn him several million more dollars and lock him up for 5+ years in the Big Easy. Another fun fact, both Manning and Brees are represented by the same agent, and THAT guy is going to be patting himself on the back in one of his two new matching Audis this offseason, so I want to see the talent get their nut too…
3) DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA THE PARTY THAT WILL TAKE PLACE IF THE SAINTS WIN?: The city of New Orleans has already preemptively closed schools and city services for the Monday after the game, win or lose, rain or shine. This is backseat to the fact that this falls right in step with Mardi Gras season. If the Saints were to win this one, there would be so much Southern Comfort flowing and so many titties warming the hearts of everybody lucky enough to be in that part of the world this year, it gives me the gym class rope-climb tingle just thinking about it. I hope there’s a boy who gets his dream come true to meet Drew Brees in 10 years or so and gets to look him in the eye and tell him “I was conceived on a kitchen prep table at a Bourbon Street Bar/Restaurant the night you won Super Bowl 44, thanks for that.” New Orleans is one of the premier partying towns that America has, next to maybe only Las Vegas. This party will make 1999 look like a fuckin petting zoo. If the world DOES end in 2012, December 20 2012, the supposed night before those crazy (extinct) Mayans think the cosmos are hitting the reset button would be the only thing even in the same zip code as the Saints’ Super Bowl victory bender. I’ve got to stop or I might pass out.
Get some NOLA, get some
Weezy Fuckin BabyPrediction: I expect a very high-scoring game with the Saints trying to keep up with Peyton and the Colts offense all day. Finally, Manning will throw a pick and Brees will lead a quick TD drive to put the Saints up 38-36. But he will leave about 35 seconds left on the clock. Too much time, it seems, for Peyton. He will move the ball down the field and set Matt Stover up for a 38-yarder to win the game. Stover's kick will go up, appear to be straight down the pipe before....
THE WINDS FROM HURRICANE KATRINA COME OUT OF NOWHERE TO PUSH THE FIELD GOAL WIDE RIGHT!!!!!! OMFG
Yes, the Saints will literally win because of Hurricane Katrina. Not metaphorically. GOD doesn't make mistakes. He was testing Drew Brees and Reggie Bush with that whole Hurricane/Slurricane thingy. And my Broncos will never win a Super Bowl again because I got drunk and laughed at Katrina. Drew Brees didn't laugh, he was picking up orphans and throwing them to safety in Baton Rouge. Jon Vilma actually emptied all the water out of the 9th Ward with just a single bucket. The Saints players literally all are now Sainted by the Church for their heroic actions. That is why they are in fact named the Saints. Look it up. Lake Pontchartrain was actually build by Archie Manning. Who is Peyton's dad!!!!! Peyton can't beat the Saints. It is cosmically ordained.
Oh, and that storm was also sent to punish New Orleans for all the gays and debauchery, so since all those people are now dead God doesn't dislike the Big Easy anymore. George Bush new what he was doing when he told New Orleans to "just fucking deal with it yourselves." He was preparing Drew Brees for the Super Bowl. I mean, the Colts pass rush is tough, but Breesus Christ stood tall in the pocket and delivered while being perused by floodwaters that were too strong for the levies. Dwight Freeney and Rashard Mathis, shit, he won't be bothered a bit.
I am also sure the memory of the Saints' championship will make Weezy F so happy. And isn't that really all we care about?
Saturday, January 30, 2010
X-Games Chronic-les
First off, I hate almost everything about the actual X-Games. Especially the douchey X in the name that helped spawned X-treme deodorant and X-treme douche rags. The X-Games are the sports equivalent to Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, designed for those aged 8-16 but for some reason popular with those college aged. Plus, I hate:
-The fucking way people talk ("sick nasty pow-pow"). Especially when those same people tend to get on me for "talking black."
-The awful commentary ("Wow, bro, [insert name of snowboarder] is really going huge. Aspen, make some noise to help him even though he is listening to Atmosphere on his headphones right now and so high he doesn't know what country he is in.")
-How ridiculous the sponsorship is ("Let's go to Super Gay Sal Masakala at the Jeep Pizza Roll Taco Bell ESPN Trophy Stage, sponsored by the US Navy), especially since snowboarders and X-athletes were never going to sell out and were such REBELS, brosef. You fags sold out quicker than Tickle Me Elmo dolls in 2000.
-Shaun White. He wins everything. Even the SnowCrosXtreme. And if he doesn't win, no one fucking knows any of the other people. Because unless you are actually related to or went to preschool with one of the athletes (like I did with Peter Olenick /namedrop) then you couldn't really give two shits about who wins.
With all the negative out of the way, there are two positives to the X-Games:
1) Everyone from the Roaring Fork Valley collects their group of shithead friends and brings them home for a weekend of drinking, debauchery, a free concert, as little actual X-Games events as possible and drinking. It is awesome. Almost Xtra-awesome.
2) Sometimes people fall spectacularly and break like 50 bones. Sadly, this has gone down since they got rid of Frozen MotoXtreme (who would have thought that would be dangerous?)
The X-Games spawned some awesome stories, so I will attempt to share the best ones, in chronic-logical order. I'm sure I forgot some, so make sure to remind me. As you will see, there was much drinking, smoking and a startling number of near-death experiences.
2005: Freshman Year
Number of Guests: 7
Missouri Heights Sack Residence
-After months of asking who wanted to attend, and finally settling on seven hall mates, two more decided they were just about an hour before we left. I told them no. They said they would come anyway. Saying they would sleep in a car in my driveway and were going to do it no matter what. They then left voice mails suggesting that they in fact came up anyway and wanted to fight us all for leaving them behind. They actually never showed. A pretty good joke, thinking back.
-The first night, while at a good ole Bonedale party in a garage, a fight broke out between two Carbondale kids. It wouldn;t have been a big deal, except each had their college friends with them, who then joined in. The hostess of the party also shut off the lights right in the middle of fight, to "help," leading to complete chaos. My friends didn't get involved, because they were so high they thought Indians were sneaking up on them from the woods. They all just stood outside and watched the fight through the windows, like it was some sort of TV show.
-The Actor was on of the hall mates on the trip and, like almost everyone , had purchased a small baggie of MaryWeed from the Dealer (also on the trip). Well, at some point during the weekend, he lost this bag and made a statement that it could have been at my house. I wasn't really perturbed, as my parents are chill, but this lost bag of weed would play a focal point on the next trip.
-The free concert was the Roots, and it was the best concert I have ever been able to attend. If you get a chance, do not miss the Roots. They are fucking awesome.
-The Actor, Doodie, the Dealer and the Sad Panda all left on the final Sunday, to get home early. Which was a terrible idea because of Sunday ski traffic, but that would soon be the least of their worries. Heading through Glenwood Canyon, the Actor's Explorer nearly had a rock fall on top of it. They got lucky one of them (or more) wasn't crushed, but the rock rolled under the car, fucking up a tire. So they then spent several hours getting repairs, barely beating the group that left that evening back to Fort Collins.
2006: Sophomore Year
Number of Guests: 8
Ranch at Roaring Fork Casa
-The Dealer, Cartman and Doodie, were pulled over and given paraphernalia tickets in Longmont or somewhere at the very beginning of the trip. This delayed them quite a bit.
-My car arrived pretty early and we went to a party at Teej's house. By the time the Dealer's crew came, I was all sorts of tore up while they were relatively sober. Once we got back to my house, the Actor and I began arguing over the baggie of weed from the previous year. I was pretty blacked out, but according to reports I yelled:
"My parents found your weed, they told me."
"I've known my parents. I've known them for 20 years."
"You LOST THE WEED."
To make matters worse, I kept repeating those lines all while my parents slept about 30 feet away. Fortunately, they use a fan to make noise and put in ear plugs when I have guests, so they truthfully heard none of it.
-I had not asked my parents if they found the actors weed. It finally came up this year, and as it turns out, they did not find it. I probably owe the Actor an apology, but I think the statute of limitations is up.
-The concert was Damian Marley, which was pretty good. The highlight was Stubbs pissing on some kid during the concert and then narrowly avoiding a public urination ticket after the concert. Also, a some of the group tried to sneak onto a RFTA bus through a broken window post-concert, but got caught.
2007: Junior Year
Number of Guests: 6
RRF Casa
-The Marine, D-Fresh, Kilometers, Wheel got faded while I drove to the mountains. We also got awesome X-treme temp tattoos at a Taco Bell prior to arrival.
-We played the most epic game of Zoomie-Zoomie ever at Jam's house. It probably lasted for 3 hours.
-At the conclusion of the party, D-Fresh was subject to the bait-and-switch routine, as he was lured into a car by the promise of one girl and then passed onto another girl. We may have known this was a possibility, but sandbagged him anyway. And then, when he was frantically calling for escape, we ignored his calls and watched him get hauled away. He then woke up the next morning at a strange house with no cell phone reception. We may be bad friends, but at least we weren't cockblocks, right?
-The concert was Common, who sucked. The highlight was watching people throw snowballs at him and the opening acts. There was so much booze snuck into the park that my father, who worked for the city, said they had to have volunteers picking up glass all the way until May.
-Following the concert, we made our way to a local bar, and then we were supposed to all take the bus home together. All of my friends decided to bail on the frantic push to get onto the RFTA buses that would take us home, instead ditching me to get a ride from Aaron Carter Jr. Well, the plan was not to let anyone drive, because we had all been drinking, but they went ahead. Slightly drunk ACII then went a little too fast down Buttermilk Road, hitting some ice and doing a "720 Cliffsyde Spin," scaring the shit out of everyone in the car. Luckily no one, not even the Range, was hurt.
-On my bus ride home, I was basically followed home by a girl that wanted to get with ACII. She came to my house, stuff happened, I assume, and then I decided that my parents wouldn't be down with some random whore popping up the next morning, so I demanded that he "Get that whore out of my house." So ACII had to take another drive to get take her home, this one much less eventful.
2008: Senior Year, Lap 1
Number of Guests: 0
I was sick of X-Games and skipped it. There was no concert, so I said fuck it.
2009: Post Grad Internship
Number of Guests: 3
Parental-less RRF Casa
-About a half of a mile I was pulled over heading out of Foco for "Failure to Yield." Not a big deal, if Kilometers and Rubric hadn't baked a fresh batch of pot brownies for the weekend.
-The pot brownies did come in handy during the Pennywise concert, which was pretty awesome.
-The main highlight was Tommy Frazier headbutting and splitting open my eyebrow during an argument about "Asshole" that was still going hours after anyone remembers playing Asshole.
-The fucking way people talk ("sick nasty pow-pow"). Especially when those same people tend to get on me for "talking black."
-The awful commentary ("Wow, bro, [insert name of snowboarder] is really going huge. Aspen, make some noise to help him even though he is listening to Atmosphere on his headphones right now and so high he doesn't know what country he is in.")
-How ridiculous the sponsorship is ("Let's go to Super Gay Sal Masakala at the Jeep Pizza Roll Taco Bell ESPN Trophy Stage, sponsored by the US Navy), especially since snowboarders and X-athletes were never going to sell out and were such REBELS, brosef. You fags sold out quicker than Tickle Me Elmo dolls in 2000.
-Shaun White. He wins everything. Even the SnowCrosXtreme. And if he doesn't win, no one fucking knows any of the other people. Because unless you are actually related to or went to preschool with one of the athletes (like I did with Peter Olenick /namedrop) then you couldn't really give two shits about who wins.
With all the negative out of the way, there are two positives to the X-Games:
1) Everyone from the Roaring Fork Valley collects their group of shithead friends and brings them home for a weekend of drinking, debauchery, a free concert, as little actual X-Games events as possible and drinking. It is awesome. Almost Xtra-awesome.
2) Sometimes people fall spectacularly and break like 50 bones. Sadly, this has gone down since they got rid of Frozen MotoXtreme (who would have thought that would be dangerous?)
The X-Games spawned some awesome stories, so I will attempt to share the best ones, in chronic-logical order. I'm sure I forgot some, so make sure to remind me. As you will see, there was much drinking, smoking and a startling number of near-death experiences.
2005: Freshman Year
Number of Guests: 7
Missouri Heights Sack Residence
-After months of asking who wanted to attend, and finally settling on seven hall mates, two more decided they were just about an hour before we left. I told them no. They said they would come anyway. Saying they would sleep in a car in my driveway and were going to do it no matter what. They then left voice mails suggesting that they in fact came up anyway and wanted to fight us all for leaving them behind. They actually never showed. A pretty good joke, thinking back.
-The first night, while at a good ole Bonedale party in a garage, a fight broke out between two Carbondale kids. It wouldn;t have been a big deal, except each had their college friends with them, who then joined in. The hostess of the party also shut off the lights right in the middle of fight, to "help," leading to complete chaos. My friends didn't get involved, because they were so high they thought Indians were sneaking up on them from the woods. They all just stood outside and watched the fight through the windows, like it was some sort of TV show.
-The Actor was on of the hall mates on the trip and, like almost everyone , had purchased a small baggie of MaryWeed from the Dealer (also on the trip). Well, at some point during the weekend, he lost this bag and made a statement that it could have been at my house. I wasn't really perturbed, as my parents are chill, but this lost bag of weed would play a focal point on the next trip.
-The free concert was the Roots, and it was the best concert I have ever been able to attend. If you get a chance, do not miss the Roots. They are fucking awesome.
-The Actor, Doodie, the Dealer and the Sad Panda all left on the final Sunday, to get home early. Which was a terrible idea because of Sunday ski traffic, but that would soon be the least of their worries. Heading through Glenwood Canyon, the Actor's Explorer nearly had a rock fall on top of it. They got lucky one of them (or more) wasn't crushed, but the rock rolled under the car, fucking up a tire. So they then spent several hours getting repairs, barely beating the group that left that evening back to Fort Collins.
2006: Sophomore Year
Number of Guests: 8
Ranch at Roaring Fork Casa
-The Dealer, Cartman and Doodie, were pulled over and given paraphernalia tickets in Longmont or somewhere at the very beginning of the trip. This delayed them quite a bit.
-My car arrived pretty early and we went to a party at Teej's house. By the time the Dealer's crew came, I was all sorts of tore up while they were relatively sober. Once we got back to my house, the Actor and I began arguing over the baggie of weed from the previous year. I was pretty blacked out, but according to reports I yelled:
"My parents found your weed, they told me."
"I've known my parents. I've known them for 20 years."
"You LOST THE WEED."
To make matters worse, I kept repeating those lines all while my parents slept about 30 feet away. Fortunately, they use a fan to make noise and put in ear plugs when I have guests, so they truthfully heard none of it.
-I had not asked my parents if they found the actors weed. It finally came up this year, and as it turns out, they did not find it. I probably owe the Actor an apology, but I think the statute of limitations is up.
-The concert was Damian Marley, which was pretty good. The highlight was Stubbs pissing on some kid during the concert and then narrowly avoiding a public urination ticket after the concert. Also, a some of the group tried to sneak onto a RFTA bus through a broken window post-concert, but got caught.
2007: Junior Year
Number of Guests: 6
RRF Casa
-The Marine, D-Fresh, Kilometers, Wheel got faded while I drove to the mountains. We also got awesome X-treme temp tattoos at a Taco Bell prior to arrival.
-We played the most epic game of Zoomie-Zoomie ever at Jam's house. It probably lasted for 3 hours.
-At the conclusion of the party, D-Fresh was subject to the bait-and-switch routine, as he was lured into a car by the promise of one girl and then passed onto another girl. We may have known this was a possibility, but sandbagged him anyway. And then, when he was frantically calling for escape, we ignored his calls and watched him get hauled away. He then woke up the next morning at a strange house with no cell phone reception. We may be bad friends, but at least we weren't cockblocks, right?
-The concert was Common, who sucked. The highlight was watching people throw snowballs at him and the opening acts. There was so much booze snuck into the park that my father, who worked for the city, said they had to have volunteers picking up glass all the way until May.
-Following the concert, we made our way to a local bar, and then we were supposed to all take the bus home together. All of my friends decided to bail on the frantic push to get onto the RFTA buses that would take us home, instead ditching me to get a ride from Aaron Carter Jr. Well, the plan was not to let anyone drive, because we had all been drinking, but they went ahead. Slightly drunk ACII then went a little too fast down Buttermilk Road, hitting some ice and doing a "720 Cliffsyde Spin," scaring the shit out of everyone in the car. Luckily no one, not even the Range, was hurt.
-On my bus ride home, I was basically followed home by a girl that wanted to get with ACII. She came to my house, stuff happened, I assume, and then I decided that my parents wouldn't be down with some random whore popping up the next morning, so I demanded that he "Get that whore out of my house." So ACII had to take another drive to get take her home, this one much less eventful.
2008: Senior Year, Lap 1
Number of Guests: 0
I was sick of X-Games and skipped it. There was no concert, so I said fuck it.
2009: Post Grad Internship
Number of Guests: 3
Parental-less RRF Casa
-About a half of a mile I was pulled over heading out of Foco for "Failure to Yield." Not a big deal, if Kilometers and Rubric hadn't baked a fresh batch of pot brownies for the weekend.
-The pot brownies did come in handy during the Pennywise concert, which was pretty awesome.
-The main highlight was Tommy Frazier headbutting and splitting open my eyebrow during an argument about "Asshole" that was still going hours after anyone remembers playing Asshole.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 9
Why? Why must it end? I feel like it was only a month ago that we all moved in together and made out in the hot tub. Now, we all have to return to our parents' houses.
When we last checked, Ronald was claiming self-defense after running 30 yards to clock some fool. Now, he is in jail. And everyone sleeps in too long and they are late to pick him up. Some family.
-"Should I call 9-11?" Yes, Snooks, call 9-11 to find someone in jail.
-"Israelis would have shot someone."- Pauly D.
"Israelis would have been like (Scarface machine gun mime)." -Vinny. Jewish people are going to love that.
-Juicehead Central. The Baseball Hall of Fame is in Cooperstown, New York, maybe the Juicehead wing should be in Seaside, Jerz, so McGwire and Sosa can have somewhere to be enshrined.
-"10 will get you 20, Mike." -Vinny. "Age of consent in New Jersey is 16, enough said."
My daughter is never setting foot inside the state of Jersey. Ever.
-"She can be my new girlfriend for the next few months, until I break up with her before next summer."- Sit. I'm wish that I had seen this show when I was an impressionable teen, because I would have tried to act like this guy. Instead, I read Tucker Max's stories and just drank mass amounts of booze and assumed the girls would be impressed. Not sure either plan would have been great.
-Snooks gets all sorts of pissed that Keith won't hang out. The man has a job. Not everyone just gets to
Then she gets all pissed that no one will come down to the boardwalk to dance with her. Go up to the bar. Or is she too short to climb steps? Climbing up to that bar would have been like Summiting Everest.
-"(The arcade) is sort of like Chucky Cheese...For dudes." -The Sit. Good save, Mikey, but I know you actually prefer the trim at Chucky's.
-The Situation says Snicks is like his little sister, then goes and hooks up with her (actually,
-"If you are hungry, try a Snickers." Wonder how much MTV made from that quote.
-Vinny finally retaliates to Mike. Something about Bulldog girls. It is fucking weak. I would have pissed in his bed. Both appear ready to settle for a tie in their competition. They say a tie is like kissing your sister, which is very fitting for Vin and Mike.
-MONTAGE...EVERYBODY LOVES A MONTAGE.
-"20-30 years from now I'll remember everything." -J-Wowwwww. Even though she can't ever remember last night.
-"'The Snooks' is out." Classic. Ending the show with 3rd person. Drink.
Commercial break: I will never, ever watch a second of the 'Lovely Bones' due to all the fucking commercials I have been accosted with while watching Jersey Shore and the Real World. In fact, I want to find the actress who played that girl, and stab her. Come get ME, Marky Mark.
Reunion:
Bonus Shore. /Fist Pump
-In the bonus round, Vin calls the Situation the house mother. Does that mean he hooked up with his own sister? The incest comes full circle. But a point for Vinny in the battle. 5-4, or something. I'm too drunk to really care.
-"You have to walk through the Weeds to get to the flowers." -Mike. Yeah, but you don't have to fuck the weeds.
-I think I should take all of the best Jersey Shore quotes, put them on a calender, and sell them. Mix in some "New Haircut" lines and some other famous Guido quotes. Guido-a-day calender, coming 2010.
-"I'm never going to go hungry" -The Sit, talking about eating Shore Beef (aka that pussy).
"Not with the kinda girls you bring home." -Ron, with authority.
-"Boyfriend or not, I don't care. He is a sucker." -Pauly D, just called out Tawmmy. If they do a season two, he needs to come up to fight Paul. That would be TV Platinum.
-Vinny's mom is awesome. I want to bang her.
-The Situation and Angelina are awesome together. They need to get her to come to the Shore next summer. They might 'smush" or one may shoot the other, but it would be great for dranking. And that is what is important.
-Ronny and Sam's breakup only happened six months too late. GAAAAYYYYYYYYYY. And possibly more staged than the WWE. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT YEAR? Am I going to have to wait a whole year? Will Ronald kill her and bang the corpse? So many questions.
-"Did any cops walk away with my number?" -Ron. Yes, the cops did. Your driver's license, your case number, your cell block number, etc.
-If you were playing the fistpump=drink game, you just died. Sorry 'bout that.
/BLACKOUT
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Superchargers...HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHHHHAHAH
What? Huh? How the fuck I lose to Dirty Sanchez?
Good job, assholes. At least the Broncos had the respect to lose in the regular season. You guys got your hopes up so high. And then, WHAMMY! No soup for you.
You lost to Marc "Poise" Sanchez becuase Rivers the Floatation Device and Nate "Towlie" Kaeding choked like Sasha Grey on a fatty cock. This is the best Christmas ever.
I was seriously going to move from San Diego if these cockbags won the Super Bowl, but, "What me worry?" No, I had no reason. With el ducho numero uno Norv in charge and the biggest collection of Vag-slurpers in the West, the Chargers DID WHAT WE THOUGH THEY WOULD.
Fifty fucking years in the league, and a big fat zero under the Super Bowl column. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And in your one trip to the big dance, you got treated like a concierge in Eagle checking on Kobe's room. Suck a fatty dick.
I am so proud that as soon as
On a related note, Warren Moon was drunk as shit at the Pizza place co-owned by my work last night. I hope he hung out with Marmalard, because I think soon those two assholes will be linked in history as biggest chokers of all-time.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 7 and 8
-"Only thing that we care about is gettin' girls. And going to the gym." -The Sit. A great response to the Rammy drama.
-Rammy is that annoying couple that is convinced everyone is jealous when everyone is really just sick of them. I hope they fucking die.
-Snooks has really started growing on me. She is so tiny, so bubbly. And she really is the only one that is able to keep the house together. I hope she finally gets fucked. By John Deere. "I've been with goats, sheep, deer, horses." Has she ever been with a man?
-Why is Vinny worried about the Situation wearing a condom? Or is he just worried about what the girl will catch? Probably the latter.
-Jersey tweet of the week. Jack O: The Jersey Shore "family meeting" was like a re-creation of the Lincoln/Douglas debates.
-The Situation just fucks up the situation. He should trade names with Drama from Fantasy Factory, because Drama never causes drama and always ends up in stupid situations.
He destroys that poor girl, fucking her in the hot tub and then not waking her up. Now that is a way to make it onto MTV. Should have just done a porn movie, honey, at least you would have made some money.
-Vinnie vs. The Situation, Round 1: Mike starts off with a few jabs, but Vinnie comes with a fucking haymaker. "No game? That's not what your sister said." Vin gets the points. V=1, S=0.
-Vin's game is my game. I pull girls that my friends know. I am Vinnie. Edy is the Sit. And guess who hooked up with his "little sister?" Yep.
-Vinnie vs. The Situation, Round 2: At the club, Vinnie starts making moves on Mike's sister again. Then he disses her, but the Sit shows some awesome strength with a wicked reversal by forcing Vin back to her. Vinnie throws some solid shots at the Sit by making out with lil' Sis, but it appears that Mike gets the W when he separates the two at the end of the night. That is until the Situation Without Abs sneaks downstairs to spend the night with Vin. The excitement of this contest blows Pack-Cards out of the water. V=2, S=0.
-Pauly D feelin' the Jew. Until she says no sex til marriage. Record scratch. Pauly D is not on the ones and twos.
-AC bitch. Fitting that a shitty Jersey Shore paradise would have the same initials as the shitty Nugget. Even when I boycott the NBA, reminders everywhere.
Apparently it was "Don't make fun of the fatties" week on MTV. Or body image week. Shockingly, almost every girl on the network has an eating disorder. It's like they seem to have a certain profile they look for on this network.
-A girl in a bubble bath has never been less sexy than Snooks and yet I have never seen anyone over 5 have more fun in a tub (maybe Tubgirl, I dunno) than she did. To see the world through her eyes...
-Vinnie vs. Situation, Round 3: The Situation snakes Vin's girl, and Vinnie gets all sorts of bent out of shape. Deservedly so, but you did not give her up, she just straight left. And Vin, I'm sure a girl that slutty had sucked off a couple of dudes that day before even finding the club. Though the Situation does take this round, Vin sneaks in a late, questionable shot at the bell by letting go of J-Woww so she can throw that twirling, backhanded punch. V=2, S=1.
-"We left the club at 4am and we had been there since 12. That's like 5 hours." -Ronald. Stick to knocking fools out.
-No idea why J-Woww wanted the Sit. to leave. Stupid fucked up bitches, cockblocking out of control. If you throw up, you leave yourself. You don't need any fucking help. Unlike the Sit, who hides behind three body guards and talks shit. Last year Brandon Marshall said Joey Porter had "popcorn muscles." I disagree with Mr. Marshall, but Mike has popcorn muscles for sure.
- "If you leave tonight I'm going to stuff your nose with tampons" Snook to J-Woww
-"I don't really remember his face because I was wasted." Snooks, discussing the new love of her life, John Deere. She is on a fucking roll tonight.
-"I'm not trashy unless I drink to much." -Snooks again. Semi-Mike Tyson-ish tonight with the quotables.
-Turns out that Pauly D's girl is a Mossad agent.
-Vinnie vs. The Sit, Round 4: Vinnie does a Mike impersonation on the phone. Gets rid of the stalker. Mike mixes up some "old funk juice, with a pickley smell" and hides it in Vinnie's room. Advantage Mike, considering that shit lasted like three days. V=2, M=2. Oh man, it is a barnburner.
-"I'm not pissed off that Mike and Pauly put pickles under my bed, I'm pissed that they wasted like two pickles." -Snooks.
-Whatever they are eating while Pauly D tells that bitch off looks amazing. I want some. Philly cheese-steak. MMMMMMMMM.
-What kind of girlfriend watches their man make out with Snooki and then has her friends break it up. WTF is that all about. Then Snooks goes to find a man, who rocks a wicked chin strap. That is someone you can settle down with.
-Ron-Ron lays the fucking Boom-Boom. "One shot kid. One shot bro." Says
-The way that guy is after being knocked out is awesome. Lofty position. Scotty McKnight is jealous. Face down, ass up, that's what happens when we get fucked up.
Winner of the Vinnie vs. Situation battle: In typical Jersey Shore fashion, we'll find out next week....
ON THE FINALE...DUH, DUH, DUUUUNNNNN
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
FREE GILBERT: Boycotting the NBA
Agent Zero is always carrying
(IF you find this blog post a bit rambly and unfocused, it was not that I was up too late while still hungover from a work trip, it was a nod towards Gil's wonderful and ramblin' blog on NBA.com, that the NBA hasn't pulled yet, shockingly. Or at least that is the excuse I am sticking with.)
Until Agent Zero returns I refuse to watch the NBA (live). Oh sure, I wasn't watching much anyway, due to the fact that I don't have Altitude out here and hate several of the marquee players and fans with a smoldering passion, and I am just one man, but what the NBA, aka Stern, did to Gil isn't right. And the Wizards trying to run him off is even worse.
It is well known that Gil is my favorite NBA player. I love him and I refuse to let a little gun possession sway my man-crush. I mean, I live in a state that voted the Terminator in as governor, I think it is clear this country is gun-obsessed. What is worse, starring in tons of movies that glorify violence or telling someone to shoot you in the knee? BUT IT WAS IN AN NBA ARENA.
If Delonte West isn't suspended for his gun-possession and reckless behavior, I don't understand why Gilbert is. The man made a stupid mistake. He should be suspended eventually, probably for about 15-20 games, for that stupidity, and he might have some jail time, but banning him mostly because of his jokes is childish.
Basically the NBA suspended Gil for laughing about the situation. That is how he handles everything. He never threatened anyone, despite Peter Vescey's godawful and incorrect story, so he used Twitter and his fingerpistols dance to lighten the mood and reinforce the fact that he isn't a "gun-toting thug," as he was painted by some in the media. Everyone in that huddle has a look of unbridled joy on their face, they know that Gil isn't really a threat.
It has been argued that Gil had to be suspended because he didn't express regret and was joking about it, but some people handle regret by making jokes. I am one of those people. I can laugh at failure. I hate failure, I hate when I make mistakes, but to get over I would rather laugh it away than cry or feel miserable. The laughter is a coping mechanism. Sorry if that offends people, but I would rather have an athlete be able to laugh at their mistake than have them play the PR game with contrived press conferences and or run away to hide like Tiger.
But image conscious David Stern doesn't like people to make jokes. Still over-correcting from the Brawl in the Palace, Stern is an old, white guy who thinks that white America hates basketball because it is played by young, black men. If someone is that closed-minded that they won't watch a sport because of the race of the players then you aren't winning them over, no matter what.
Quit trying to take the hip-hop and the edge out of the league, to appeal to white folks. I don't love to watch the NBA because of guys like Tim Duncan. Yes, he is a great basketball player, but Arenas connected with me as a fan. I would pay to see him play. He is not only very talented, but he has a sense of humor that the NBA loved, until it went to far once, and then they cut him off and have basically kicked him to the curb.
Just like when Melo got 15 games for slapping someone and Nate Robison got only ten when he started the whole brawl, Stern makes no sense. Fuck that fucking guy.
Gil was the one NBA player who always said what was on his mind, why would he change now? It is the way he deals with stress, he laughs it off. His Twitter account was the most entertaining I have ever seen, even if it only lasted for three days. You shouldn't take a man's livelihood away because of a joke.
There are a ton of NBA players who have done worse, and they saw little to no punishment, but Gilbert is unfit to play because he isn't PC? That makes no sense. Ruben Patterson is a fucking registered sex offender but he gets to play again. I already mentioned D-West. JR killed a guy. Todd Bertuzzi gets to play hockey after paralyzing a guy. Shit, is this country so reactive that we will throw Gil out of the league for putting himself in danger.
If the NBA even gave a timetable for the suspension I could see it, but just an indefinite suspension. That just makes it tough for unstable people like Gil and myself to deal with.
And the Wizards organization is the worst. They made a mistake signing Gil's huge contract, but now they are using this opportunity to try to cut their losses. Ernie Grunfeld handed Gil too much money and, in order to save his job, now is trying to save his own ass by cutting Gil loose after ratting him out to the league office. The organization then got rid of everything Gil, taking down pictures and editing him out of pregame videos. This is all based on the moral high ground that recently deceased Abe Pollin hated guns (why he changed the name from Bullets to the uber-gay Wizards). But the Wiz still sell Bullets merchandise and obviously weren't super anti-gun, as two players on the team felt comfortable taking them into the locker room.
The NBA has a gun culture. Tons of players have been robbed. Shit, Gil plays in the same city where Sean Taylor played, I think he might know the danger being a rich celebrity has. He isn't the first, nor will he be the last NBA player who brings a gun to the arena. I guarantee you that many of them carry, and Devin Harris' 75% statement is probably true. So will they make an example out of Gil because this story was sensationalized? I guess they are.
And until I have my Gilbert back I won't be watching any NBA games live. Or until I forget about this pledge the next time the Nuggets are on TNT.
Bonus Prediction:
When Gil gets back in the league, and I say when, not if, he is going to fucking kill the league. He has always had an edge and has punished teams for screwing him over, and maybe his huge contract took off that edge and made him feel bulletproof (pun intended), but no one wants to play an angry Agent Zero, I can tell you that.
(IF you find this blog post a bit rambly and unfocused, it was not that I was up too late while still hungover from a work trip, it was a nod towards Gil's wonderful and ramblin' blog on NBA.com, that the NBA hasn't pulled yet, shockingly. Or at least that is the excuse I am sticking with.)
Until Agent Zero returns I refuse to watch the NBA (live). Oh sure, I wasn't watching much anyway, due to the fact that I don't have Altitude out here and hate several of the marquee players and fans with a smoldering passion, and I am just one man, but what the NBA, aka Stern, did to Gil isn't right. And the Wizards trying to run him off is even worse.
It is well known that Gil is my favorite NBA player. I love him and I refuse to let a little gun possession sway my man-crush. I mean, I live in a state that voted the Terminator in as governor, I think it is clear this country is gun-obsessed. What is worse, starring in tons of movies that glorify violence or telling someone to shoot you in the knee? BUT IT WAS IN AN NBA ARENA.
If Delonte West isn't suspended for his gun-possession and reckless behavior, I don't understand why Gilbert is. The man made a stupid mistake. He should be suspended eventually, probably for about 15-20 games, for that stupidity, and he might have some jail time, but banning him mostly because of his jokes is childish.
Basically the NBA suspended Gil for laughing about the situation. That is how he handles everything. He never threatened anyone, despite Peter Vescey's godawful and incorrect story, so he used Twitter and his fingerpistols dance to lighten the mood and reinforce the fact that he isn't a "gun-toting thug," as he was painted by some in the media. Everyone in that huddle has a look of unbridled joy on their face, they know that Gil isn't really a threat.
It has been argued that Gil had to be suspended because he didn't express regret and was joking about it, but some people handle regret by making jokes. I am one of those people. I can laugh at failure. I hate failure, I hate when I make mistakes, but to get over I would rather laugh it away than cry or feel miserable. The laughter is a coping mechanism. Sorry if that offends people, but I would rather have an athlete be able to laugh at their mistake than have them play the PR game with contrived press conferences and or run away to hide like Tiger.
But image conscious David Stern doesn't like people to make jokes. Still over-correcting from the Brawl in the Palace, Stern is an old, white guy who thinks that white America hates basketball because it is played by young, black men. If someone is that closed-minded that they won't watch a sport because of the race of the players then you aren't winning them over, no matter what.
Quit trying to take the hip-hop and the edge out of the league, to appeal to white folks. I don't love to watch the NBA because of guys like Tim Duncan. Yes, he is a great basketball player, but Arenas connected with me as a fan. I would pay to see him play. He is not only very talented, but he has a sense of humor that the NBA loved, until it went to far once, and then they cut him off and have basically kicked him to the curb.
Just like when Melo got 15 games for slapping someone and Nate Robison got only ten when he started the whole brawl, Stern makes no sense. Fuck that fucking guy.
Gil was the one NBA player who always said what was on his mind, why would he change now? It is the way he deals with stress, he laughs it off. His Twitter account was the most entertaining I have ever seen, even if it only lasted for three days. You shouldn't take a man's livelihood away because of a joke.
There are a ton of NBA players who have done worse, and they saw little to no punishment, but Gilbert is unfit to play because he isn't PC? That makes no sense. Ruben Patterson is a fucking registered sex offender but he gets to play again. I already mentioned D-West. JR killed a guy. Todd Bertuzzi gets to play hockey after paralyzing a guy. Shit, is this country so reactive that we will throw Gil out of the league for putting himself in danger.
If the NBA even gave a timetable for the suspension I could see it, but just an indefinite suspension. That just makes it tough for unstable people like Gil and myself to deal with.
And the Wizards organization is the worst. They made a mistake signing Gil's huge contract, but now they are using this opportunity to try to cut their losses. Ernie Grunfeld handed Gil too much money and, in order to save his job, now is trying to save his own ass by cutting Gil loose after ratting him out to the league office. The organization then got rid of everything Gil, taking down pictures and editing him out of pregame videos. This is all based on the moral high ground that recently deceased Abe Pollin hated guns (why he changed the name from Bullets to the uber-gay Wizards). But the Wiz still sell Bullets merchandise and obviously weren't super anti-gun, as two players on the team felt comfortable taking them into the locker room.
The NBA has a gun culture. Tons of players have been robbed. Shit, Gil plays in the same city where Sean Taylor played, I think he might know the danger being a rich celebrity has. He isn't the first, nor will he be the last NBA player who brings a gun to the arena. I guarantee you that many of them carry, and Devin Harris' 75% statement is probably true. So will they make an example out of Gil because this story was sensationalized? I guess they are.
And until I have my Gilbert back I won't be watching any NBA games live. Or until I forget about this pledge the next time the Nuggets are on TNT.
Bonus Prediction:
When Gil gets back in the league, and I say when, not if, he is going to fucking kill the league. He has always had an edge and has punished teams for screwing him over, and maybe his huge contract took off that edge and made him feel bulletproof (pun intended), but no one wants to play an angry Agent Zero, I can tell you that.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 6
Sorry this is late, but because of some issues with DirectTV tivo (i.e. it sucks my balls) I was unable to give you my Jersey Shore Situation until now.
Yep. Shit is going down. Vinnie finally did something productive in this show by stealing the bosses girl, now we get to see what happens. And hopefully Ron-Ron beats some ass. And hopefully people say horrible things that I can quote and then mock. Armed with Admiral Nelson, Hornitos and a splash of Pepsi (El Generilisimo, I dub this concoction), to the
-The Vinnie
-"I usually don't feel bad taking someone else's girl, per se, because that is the girl's fault." Touche, Vin, touche.
-GTL. Rules to live by in your Guido handbook. That is Gym, Tanning, Laundry. There is so much work that goes into being a Guido, I don't think I could do it.
-Vinne is a creeper, just like all the other Guidos, but he is just silent. His efforts to pull Mike's sister were awesome, and according to the aftershow, the cast said that they thought Vinnie
[Sidenote: Am I the only one really confused by these Guidos making a really big deal about little shit like making out, holding hands, etc. IF you are at a club like the ones they go to, dancing all up on each other's shit is just socially acceptable, and many times it leads to making out, but it really doesn't mean jack shit. I'm not sure it really even counts as hooking up. The Sit getting all uppity about holding hands with Sam and then making out with Ronnie is ridiculous. You aren't in high school (though their mindsets may be), I think an appendage has to be inserted into an orifice to qualify as hooking up, but maybe that is just me. I know hook-ups aren't limited to sex, but I don't think making out on a dance floor equals hooking up either, right?]
-For a guy who didn't really do anything besides get Pink Eye from a farting old lady (at least according to Mikey) in the first couple of episodes, Vinnie apparently was at work below the surface. Again, the aftershow divulged that he was involved with several ladies, almost all of whom were connected to someone else in the house (Sit's sister, J-Woww's friend, Danny's girl and maybe Angelina's friend early on). Slick and admirable, at least to me, since I have discovered this is more my game than pulling random girls at bars.
-"I'm like the first strike, reconnaissance." -Situation
-Snookers: "If one thing leads to another, I'm not going to tell him to get off." I would hope you help him get off. That joke was too easy.
But then she gives the guy an out. You can never do that. If you aren't a prize catch yourself you can't give hope of something better. People will always choose Door #2.
-I love that Sammie gets so butthurt about her "Flintstone big toe." What a fucking whiny bitch. Her and Ronnie are fucking worthless. It is good her and the Sit never really got together, or else that would totally have ruined his role. Ronaldino is so whipped it hurts me. The best is when she calls her big toe a "personal issue." I have just begun skipping through their scenes. Fucking worthless.
-"Unbelievable, huh, Snooks. It is so hard to find a good man these days, that is why I date women." -Pauly D with a quote as nice as his beats.
-When it appears that Ronnie has broken up with Sam, I love that Vinnie is happy as fuck. No one like those two. It was very ballsy of Snooks to just straight up tell Ron and Sam that everyone hates them. Actually not Ballsy as it was just the liquor talking. My bad.
-Ronnie goes to "Creep" on some girls. It is good to know that Creeping is an acceptable term for picking up chicks. Glad to know Guido and Creep are both positive connotations these days.
-Mike ask Snook to kick out the fat one. "Will I know?" "Oh yeah, you'll know."
-The undercard: Snookers vs. Fat Bitches: Basically, Snookie needs to learn to fight or duck, according to Pauly. And Mike really needs to figure out how to quit bringing baggage back to the house. Has anyone had a worse reputation from reality TV than the blond grenade since Omarosa? A cockblock and a charging Rhino. She is probably the only person who doesn't love this show.
-"Your ride's here." Vinnie to the fat girls, as the trash truck pulls up.
-Snookie's attack on Mike, with what appears to be a giant inflatable monkey kills me, especially finishing the attack with a risky backside balls shot while he carries her over his shoulders.
-I need Vinnie's mom to visit me once a week.
-Sam and Ron are like gasoline and matches. Or Pauly D and a barbecue.
-The Main Event: Ronnie whooped that guys ass. Granted that guy was fucked up as shit, but he got fucking mashed. The only time Ron really got hit was right at the end as they were separating (or, as I like to call it, the Chubbs Special). I can't wait for the Jersey Shore Boxing/Wrestling/Ultimate Fighting Show five years down the road. Or maybe these Guids will move on to compete in the Real World/Road Rules shit, since I'm pretty sure Road Rules last aired in 1999.
-Ronnie decides to cool down by flipping picnic tables. Over/under one-year until Ronnie pulls a Charlie Sheen. I'll choose the under. He'll beat Sammie like Fred Flintstone used to Barney.
Next Week: In Guido Mecca, J-Woww beats Mike's ass. I can't wait.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)