Monday, October 25, 2010
Sack, Edy & Dj Stringer Bell Discuss the NBA: Get Your Ice Cold Hatorade
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Weekend Sack-Up: Like jumping off a bridge while shooting myself in the face into oncoming traffic while high on aids addled crack and getting cornholed by a giant walldo
So you really want to ask me how the weekend went? Here is how well it went: I spent almost $200 on alcohol and actually worked Friday night. I don't know how many different times one can black out in a 36 hour span, but these football games made me do it at an alarming rate.
And if anyone has seen my car, please send it back to me, but not before removing the CSU sticker and Colorado license plates, as they are painful reminders of this sports-rape that I would like to repress.
Further self-schadenfruede below:
And if anyone has seen my car, please send it back to me, but not before removing the CSU sticker and Colorado license plates, as they are painful reminders of this sports-rape that I would like to repress.
Further self-schadenfruede below:
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 13 Season Finale
We last left our yayed out heroes as they struggled to hook up and bitched at each other, or something. Also, Vin and Pauly were "wifey'd" up. I don't know. This series is about as shocking as discovering another professional athlete cheating on their spouse.
-"Ohhhhhh Yeahhhhh, alligators gonna eat me, yeahhhhh!" -Paul Delvachio
-I think that Jenny and Ron should hook up. Both of their aversion to frog legs was cute. And, shockingly enough, a wise decision. Not shocking, something that the Situation ate was disgusting.
-Ohhhh, Ron and Sam get into a fight, ruin half of their night, then make up in half a second. They are both "happy to get through it" as if it was a healthy moment in their relationship. They are kinda like the black knight from "Monty Python," completely unaware at how damaged they are and completely unwaivering from their dedication to fight on despite the great bodily harm they have suffered.
-I wish Snooki would slap Sammy. Maybe fighting Sammy would get her to leave the show, therefore taking the shackles off of Ron.
Speaking of Ronald, he had a sharper second half swoon than Ubaldo Jimenez. #ithurtsmetosayitbutitistrue
-Snooki and Jenny complain about Sammy's attitude after "everything we have done for her." Like write an anonymous letter, lie about writing it, then freeze her out from your friendship. That said, Sammy is still a bigger cunt than Brett Favre.
-Most likely to have skin cancer? Love that Pauly nominates himself.
-"Mike's just mad that Vinny pulled the robbery on his best friend Pauly." -Ron. Vinny pulls the perfect revenge for Sitch's moves to steal his lady, break up the bromance. And since Mike is definitely 20 percent gay, this hurts even more.
-"We know who is the fakest one in the house." -J-Woww to Mike. "I'm not saying it, but someone else said. I mean, I actually said it to you, to piss you off, but I didn't mean it. I mean I meant it, because you are fake, but I'm not saying it, someone else said it about you, but I'm saying it to your face. But not me. Pardon me, I'm gonna go step outside and smoke while you figure out who said you were fake to me, that I clearly didn't say."
I may have elaborated that quote a tad, but J-Woww just pulled the "I'm not saying, I'm just saying" line and simpleton Mike took it hook, line and sinker. By the way, she is clearly the fakest in the house. Her boobs are 150% fake.
-"Yous are all fucking crazy." -Pauly D, summing up the entire show in admirable fashion.
PS, Snookers, what exactly did you anticipate would happen when you ratted on Pauly and Vin to J-Woww. That she would calmly and rationally discuss it? That she would sit on said info and bring it up off air? J-Dubdub is gonna be a pro wrestler, she's gonna get pissed.
-I love that Sammy doesn't say bye to J-Woww. Best thing she has ever done. Passive-aggressive low self-esteem classic move right there. This show could really be used as a teaching guide in every middle school across the nation.
Then it's over. They leave. Go back to Jersey you fucking WOPS. See you next season. I only have one question...
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GELATTO SHOP?
Which may be answered next week in the reunion show, which we have to wait a whole fucking week for. Not that I'm surprised, this is MTV after all, and it is better than waiting until January 6th for another episode. THREE MONTHS without Guidos...no bueno.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Everything I Know About Los Avalanches
I don't get to watch many Avs games, due to the fact that I do not live within the footprint of Altitude and I am far too poor to order Center Ice. Still, that doesn't mean I don't keep up on my boys in Burgandy and Blue ugly ass uniforms.
I avidly read Mile High Hockey and watch highlights, read Dater's bitter blogs and discuss games with my Fasha. And I am so excited to get back to CO this winter so I can watch this young, exciting team in the flesh (and on TV).
So without further aduex, I will now break down everything I know about the Avalanche, by going through the roster. Hint: I don't know a ton about most of these guys, so I might just make shit up.
Coach, Joe Sacco: His name sounds like Joe Sakic, which makes him really good. He should have won Coach of the Year last season, taking a turrible team that failed miserably under Tony Granato and turning them into a playoff team. I expect much of the same improvement this season (talking point sponsored by Coletastrophie).
He has hooked up with over 300 women in the Denver area who only slept with him because they thought he introduced himself as Joe Sakic.
#4 John-Michael Liles: Johnny is very popular, be it with the ladies that love him or other teams that seem to be interested in him. In fact, one of the few people not in love with him was coach Sacco, who benched JML several times last season. It was assumed his future might reside elsewhere this year, but he is off to a fantastic start this season, picking up a point in almost every game. He is the Avs best offensive threat amongst our defensemen, so losing him would be tough. If he could get a little better at not giving up shorthanded goals I think he will have a lovely season.
On a personal note, Liles has always been my favorite Av since a charity hockey game in Aspen in 2004 during the lockout. I was stationed behind the "Avs"bench for the game and all Johnny Hot Pockets did was make jokes about being hungover and yakking up Jaeger and Vodka. That is the easiest way into my heart.
#6 Jonas Halos: I think he is from Norway. He plays defense. His favorite food is Narwal.
#9 Matt Duchene: Otherwise known as Sakic 2.0. Okay, maybe that is a bit much to heap on the youngster, but for the Avs to be competitive for Stanley Cups in the next 10 years, he will have to be the engine that runs this team. He grew up an Avs fan and he should kill it.
Oh, and last season he just happened to put the Avs in the playoffs last year, as if it was preordained.
He is also just 19 years old.
#10 Kyle Cumiskey: For a long time I though he might be the son of Valerie Kamensky, but no. Still, he is maybe the fastest defensemen in the league. Also one of the smaller D-men. Would love to see the roadrunner score a few more goals and not get shoved around all season.
#11 Philippe Dupius: He plays forward and might be related to the Dupuis that plays for Pittsburgh. Or maybe not. Kinda looks like Zoolander. He once killed a man for spelling his first name with only one P.
#12 Kevin Porter: If he scores more goals than me this season I will consider it a success.
#18 Brandon Yip: Scored the game-winner against Detroit earlier this season. Elicited plenty of clever puns based on his last name (Yip-ee Kaye-Ya Motherfucker is my preferred one). He is of Chinese and Irish heritage, so that makes me want to nickname him "Drunken Master."
#19 Joe Sakic: Because he will always be on my Avs.
#21 Peter Forseberg: Again, not really, but he says he might be coming back again, so let's just keep a spot open.
#22 Scott Hannan: He is very hard to like. He kinda looks like a Hobbit. He was much better at hockey when he was allowed to rape players like Peter Forseberg in the pre-lockout years. Much like an offensive lineman, when he plays well you don't notice him, when he sucks it makes your eyes bleed.
He once shot a hockey puck at a goalie only to have it deflect into the stands killing his own mother. That previous sentence isn't true, but it makes it easier to understand his reluctance to shoot if you make yourself believe it.
#23 Milan Hedjuk: Old Mr. Reliable, he will score about 20 goals and put up over 50 points. With an iffy back and older legs, he won't near his early 2000s 50-goal plateau, but his lovely hands make this old Czech a threat to score on any loose puck. A great veteran to have on this young team. Plus he once got ticketed on Highway 82 outside Carbondale for driving 102mph, which is funny because I never got a speeding ticket and I sped down that road every day of my life.
Nasty Nate says he is due for a big year.
#25 Chris Stewart: He is big, fast, strong, good and nasty. That is the perfect combo for a power forward. He broke out last season and I don't think he is going to slow down. Like Yipper he is also one of the rare NHL players that isn't lily-white, which makes me love him 50% more. He is also just 22 years old.
#26 Paul Statsny: He would be a star if he had a little more sizzle, but Statsny is so silky vanilla that you can often miss out on the fact that he is the best player on the ice. His dad and uncles escaped from Communism to play for the Nordiques, making him another perfect fit to play for the Avs. He has been a stud for about 4 years and is only 24. God this team is young and awesome.
His acting in terrible Altitude commercials makes Keanu Reeves look emotive.
#27 Kyle Quincey: He is big and sometimes plays that way. Other times he plays big and pussy. This inconsistency is troubling. He needs to be solid this season if the Avs plan to take another step.
#28 David Koci: He is good at getting knocked out. David Anderson will outscore him this season. He is the reason people hate hockey.
#31 Peter Budaj: He is like that overweight girl that tantalizes you, that you think could always be super hot if she just got a little more confidence and lost a little weight. That at times almost looks good enough to date, but is much better off as a slumpbuster on nights no one is really paying attention. He is great to have as a back-up for the 10 games a year where Anderson doesn't want/need to play, but he will never be a starting NHL goalie.
#34 Daniel Winnik: A big grinder that we stole from the bankrupt Phoenixes. A good PK guy and a perfect 3rd/4th liner. Put in a couple big goals this year.
#37 Ryan O'Rielly: A second-round pick last year, no one expected him to make the team, but he became one of the Avs top defensive forwards last year. He is also 19. That means he was born in 1991. That is stupid young.
FUN FACT: There are only 13 players on the Avs roster older than me. HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA DIE SOON!
#39 TJ Galliardi: Young, tough, scrappy and exactly the kind of player that you have to have on a good team. Isn't excellent at any one thing, but is good at everything. He is awesome.
#41 Craig Anderson: He is everything to this team. With the number of pucks we let in on net and the open style we play, he needs to keep on playing great hockey or else we are fucked. Might be the best free agent pick-up ever to come to Colorado in any sport.
In one of his rare games on the bench last season he still faced 20 shots even though Budaj was in net. Teams just love shooting at him.
#44 Ryan Wilson: Kind of came from nowhere last year to become one of the biggest hitters in the NHL. Got some concussion problems, so hopefully he can recover because the Avs need his physical presence. He is fucking awesome to watch. And only 22.
# 52 Adam Foote: The old man keeps on keeping on. I don't know how, considering I am faster on skates and I can't even skate backwards, but he knows the angles and has that old man strength that can't be beat. So great having him around to teach our youngins how to play.
He actually doesn't have nose cartilage anymore, it is just Play-Dough and wire stuck up in there.
#54 David Jones: Another big, fast forward. He was having his breakout season last year until injury. If he stays healthy and produces it will be aweome. Plus we can make Davey Jones' Locker jokes. Harf harf.
#55 Cody McCleod: The Highlander is the perfect tough guy who still possesses a modicum of skill. He will fight often, hit people hard and stick up for teammates. One of those crazy, toothless cunts every team needs. Any goals he picks up are a bonus, but he will add about 10.
He east raw octopus every day to remain pissed off at Detroiters.
#88 Peter Mueller: I really don't know if he exists. I never saw him play for the Avs last season, but it seemed that he was involved in every goal for the 3 weeks or so he spent on the roster before gentlemanly Rob Blake concussed him with a dirty shot. He has a soft head, and got another one in the Avs first preseason game.
He is especially great on the power play and his point play is something that the Avs need desperately. When he returns and the Avs will fit him with one of Gazoo's helmets.
Prediction: Just writing about all these guys made me realize just how awesome this team is, and how awesome they will be. They are so young and talented. I feel that they should win the Northwest this year and win at least one playoff series. I know the Avs have struggled since the lockout and fan support has tailed off as well, but I think these Avs are capable of capturing Denver's attention again. They certainly have mine.
I avidly read Mile High Hockey and watch highlights, read Dater's bitter blogs and discuss games with my Fasha. And I am so excited to get back to CO this winter so I can watch this young, exciting team in the flesh (and on TV).
So without further aduex, I will now break down everything I know about the Avalanche, by going through the roster. Hint: I don't know a ton about most of these guys, so I might just make shit up.
Coach, Joe Sacco: His name sounds like Joe Sakic, which makes him really good. He should have won Coach of the Year last season, taking a turrible team that failed miserably under Tony Granato and turning them into a playoff team. I expect much of the same improvement this season (talking point sponsored by Coletastrophie).
He has hooked up with over 300 women in the Denver area who only slept with him because they thought he introduced himself as Joe Sakic.
#4 John-Michael Liles: Johnny is very popular, be it with the ladies that love him or other teams that seem to be interested in him. In fact, one of the few people not in love with him was coach Sacco, who benched JML several times last season. It was assumed his future might reside elsewhere this year, but he is off to a fantastic start this season, picking up a point in almost every game. He is the Avs best offensive threat amongst our defensemen, so losing him would be tough. If he could get a little better at not giving up shorthanded goals I think he will have a lovely season.
On a personal note, Liles has always been my favorite Av since a charity hockey game in Aspen in 2004 during the lockout. I was stationed behind the "Avs"bench for the game and all Johnny Hot Pockets did was make jokes about being hungover and yakking up Jaeger and Vodka. That is the easiest way into my heart.
#6 Jonas Halos: I think he is from Norway. He plays defense. His favorite food is Narwal.
#9 Matt Duchene: Otherwise known as Sakic 2.0. Okay, maybe that is a bit much to heap on the youngster, but for the Avs to be competitive for Stanley Cups in the next 10 years, he will have to be the engine that runs this team. He grew up an Avs fan and he should kill it.
Oh, and last season he just happened to put the Avs in the playoffs last year, as if it was preordained.
He is also just 19 years old.
#10 Kyle Cumiskey: For a long time I though he might be the son of Valerie Kamensky, but no. Still, he is maybe the fastest defensemen in the league. Also one of the smaller D-men. Would love to see the roadrunner score a few more goals and not get shoved around all season.
#11 Philippe Dupius: He plays forward and might be related to the Dupuis that plays for Pittsburgh. Or maybe not. Kinda looks like Zoolander. He once killed a man for spelling his first name with only one P.
#12 Kevin Porter: If he scores more goals than me this season I will consider it a success.
#18 Brandon Yip: Scored the game-winner against Detroit earlier this season. Elicited plenty of clever puns based on his last name (Yip-ee Kaye-Ya Motherfucker is my preferred one). He is of Chinese and Irish heritage, so that makes me want to nickname him "Drunken Master."
#19 Joe Sakic: Because he will always be on my Avs.
#21 Peter Forseberg: Again, not really, but he says he might be coming back again, so let's just keep a spot open.
#22 Scott Hannan: He is very hard to like. He kinda looks like a Hobbit. He was much better at hockey when he was allowed to rape players like Peter Forseberg in the pre-lockout years. Much like an offensive lineman, when he plays well you don't notice him, when he sucks it makes your eyes bleed.
He once shot a hockey puck at a goalie only to have it deflect into the stands killing his own mother. That previous sentence isn't true, but it makes it easier to understand his reluctance to shoot if you make yourself believe it.
#23 Milan Hedjuk: Old Mr. Reliable, he will score about 20 goals and put up over 50 points. With an iffy back and older legs, he won't near his early 2000s 50-goal plateau, but his lovely hands make this old Czech a threat to score on any loose puck. A great veteran to have on this young team. Plus he once got ticketed on Highway 82 outside Carbondale for driving 102mph, which is funny because I never got a speeding ticket and I sped down that road every day of my life.
Nasty Nate says he is due for a big year.
#25 Chris Stewart: He is big, fast, strong, good and nasty. That is the perfect combo for a power forward. He broke out last season and I don't think he is going to slow down. Like Yipper he is also one of the rare NHL players that isn't lily-white, which makes me love him 50% more. He is also just 22 years old.
#26 Paul Statsny: He would be a star if he had a little more sizzle, but Statsny is so silky vanilla that you can often miss out on the fact that he is the best player on the ice. His dad and uncles escaped from Communism to play for the Nordiques, making him another perfect fit to play for the Avs. He has been a stud for about 4 years and is only 24. God this team is young and awesome.
His acting in terrible Altitude commercials makes Keanu Reeves look emotive.
#27 Kyle Quincey: He is big and sometimes plays that way. Other times he plays big and pussy. This inconsistency is troubling. He needs to be solid this season if the Avs plan to take another step.
#28 David Koci: He is good at getting knocked out. David Anderson will outscore him this season. He is the reason people hate hockey.
#31 Peter Budaj: He is like that overweight girl that tantalizes you, that you think could always be super hot if she just got a little more confidence and lost a little weight. That at times almost looks good enough to date, but is much better off as a slumpbuster on nights no one is really paying attention. He is great to have as a back-up for the 10 games a year where Anderson doesn't want/need to play, but he will never be a starting NHL goalie.
#34 Daniel Winnik: A big grinder that we stole from the bankrupt Phoenixes. A good PK guy and a perfect 3rd/4th liner. Put in a couple big goals this year.
#37 Ryan O'Rielly: A second-round pick last year, no one expected him to make the team, but he became one of the Avs top defensive forwards last year. He is also 19. That means he was born in 1991. That is stupid young.
FUN FACT: There are only 13 players on the Avs roster older than me. HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA DIE SOON!
#39 TJ Galliardi: Young, tough, scrappy and exactly the kind of player that you have to have on a good team. Isn't excellent at any one thing, but is good at everything. He is awesome.
#41 Craig Anderson: He is everything to this team. With the number of pucks we let in on net and the open style we play, he needs to keep on playing great hockey or else we are fucked. Might be the best free agent pick-up ever to come to Colorado in any sport.
In one of his rare games on the bench last season he still faced 20 shots even though Budaj was in net. Teams just love shooting at him.
#44 Ryan Wilson: Kind of came from nowhere last year to become one of the biggest hitters in the NHL. Got some concussion problems, so hopefully he can recover because the Avs need his physical presence. He is fucking awesome to watch. And only 22.
# 52 Adam Foote: The old man keeps on keeping on. I don't know how, considering I am faster on skates and I can't even skate backwards, but he knows the angles and has that old man strength that can't be beat. So great having him around to teach our youngins how to play.
He actually doesn't have nose cartilage anymore, it is just Play-Dough and wire stuck up in there.
#54 David Jones: Another big, fast forward. He was having his breakout season last year until injury. If he stays healthy and produces it will be aweome. Plus we can make Davey Jones' Locker jokes. Harf harf.
#55 Cody McCleod: The Highlander is the perfect tough guy who still possesses a modicum of skill. He will fight often, hit people hard and stick up for teammates. One of those crazy, toothless cunts every team needs. Any goals he picks up are a bonus, but he will add about 10.
He east raw octopus every day to remain pissed off at Detroiters.
#88 Peter Mueller: I really don't know if he exists. I never saw him play for the Avs last season, but it seemed that he was involved in every goal for the 3 weeks or so he spent on the roster before gentlemanly Rob Blake concussed him with a dirty shot. He has a soft head, and got another one in the Avs first preseason game.
He is especially great on the power play and his point play is something that the Avs need desperately. When he returns and the Avs will fit him with one of Gazoo's helmets.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Weekend Sack-Up: We were much better at football this week
OHHHHH YEEEAHHHHH, RAMS, YEAHHHHHH!
Sometimes a picture really does tell the whole story. CSU swarmed the bitchmade Rebels, stomping them down in every way (minus some shitty special teams). Finally. The first blowout win I have seen for CSU since...since...I guess the 2004 victory over UNLV (which I for some reason watched on TV in the dorms. Man I was a wasted idiot freshman year).
If pictures are worth a 1,000 words, videos are worth a billionty words.
Ohhh, that was fun. I finally actually got to watch CSU win a game this season. I didn't know how to react, as all our alumni (all 15 people) who showed up at Kristy's bar to watch kept reacting in shock to the score. Winning is so much more fun.
I know UNLV sucks, but we didn't sneak by them, we pounded them. Finally this team showed some signs of talent and drive, something Coach Fair kept saying he saw in them, but something I was missing.
Will we have a chance vs. Utah? Probably not, they are in fact the 9th best team in the nation. Still, these Rams haven't given up on the season and I really don't expect them to. BYU, New Mexico, and Wyoming are all teams we should expect to beat, while SDSU and Utah are games were I would love to see us stay competitive. No more blowouts, mmmmckay?
Broncos: Much like the Indianapolis game, the Broncos outplayed a top-flight team and figured out a way to fuck themselves. You can't give away points in the NFL and expect to win. Denver fucked up a field goal and missed another. Then a very shitty PI call and a shitty snap dicked us. Weak.
Denver could have been up big at half and forced the Jets to be one-dimensional in the second, which would have really made them no-dimensional since Sanchize sucks cock at football. I mean, he missed a lot of open receivers all day. Brian Griese-esque.
Instead of 3-3 and the division lead down to a game, we now sit at a hard luck 2-4. Nothing is decided, since our division does suck, but this loss really hurts. It makes next week against Oakland a must-win. If we lose to those cunts from Oakland I will start preparing for the draft, where we will probably trade up to take the most annoying asshole in college football again (Cam Newton so far is the front-runner, to complete McDaniels goal of an all-QB offense).
Speaking of former Florida assholes, the great Tebow finally did something. Scoring the most God-like 5-yard touchdown ever. Which is exactly what he should be doing, since every other Bronco who runs the ball hits the hole like with as much aggression as McLovin.
(Warning: Ranty) Speaking more of Tebowner, ESPNews actually teased the Broncos-Jets game as such: "See if the Jets had enough to overcome a career day from Tim Tebow." Are you fucking kidding me? This is like the 3rd game he has actually played, of course it's a career game. You know who had a true career game? The fool from New Orleans who came from nowhere to rush for a buck-thirty. It has become clear 97% of my hatred for Tebow is just misplaced hatred of ESPN (2% his super-religiousness, .5% being from Florida and .5% because he knows Erin Andrews better than I). Tebow and ESPN are very similar, as I dispise many things about each of them, but they are integral parts of my life I cannot live without.
/Ummmm, rant over.
Nuggets: Melo is still a Nugget. We are losing to Minnesota, which is inexcusable, even in the preseason.
Wizards: Bullets: Gilbert Arenas just keeps on pissing people off, that is bad. But Washington may change back to the Bullets name next season. Awesome. Nuggets, you are on notice that I may be vacating my fandom soon.
Hippots from Boulder: That is a mix of hippy and faggots, which I think surmises CU peoples. Anyway, I watched the end of their loss to Baylor and I must say they ran the worst 2-minute drill in history. God I hope they manage to eak out 7 wins this season to save Hawkins job. I have nightmares of them landing Mike Leach and it makes me want to cry.
Avs: A 3-2 East Coast trip. And a dub over the Red Wings. Gotta love that start to the season. I swear I'll get my preview up soon.
Baseball: Go Rangers. I hate every other team. Antlers up.
Soccer: Liverpool blows ass. I refuse to get up a 5am to watch SHITE like that. And now they are owned by the guys who run the Red Sox. Can't wait for pink Liverpool jerseys.
Baseball redux: Actually, fuck the Rangers because of Tom Hicks (old Liverpool owner) and W. I guess I will just root for the Yankees, because who gives a shit if they win another title. It really doesn't mean shit anymore. You aren't better at baseball, you are just better at having more money and buying other teams good players. Congrats, caulksponges.
Life: I have two more months out here in San Diego and in that span I will be busy. Halloween (where I will be Rexs, plural. Rex from Toy Story and also Rex Ryan. Halloween is like 4 weeks long out here, gotta have a back-up costume), CSU-SDSU (which doubles as my birthday weekend), Broncos-Chargers game, Thanksgiving and a trip to Vegas with my German friends (I plan on eliminating all the gin and jews. Get it?). I may not have a lot of time to blog during that stretch, but on the other hand, I might have a whole lot of crazy stories that need to be told.
LET'S DOOOOO THISSSS!!!!
Sometimes a picture really does tell the whole story. CSU swarmed the bitchmade Rebels, stomping them down in every way (minus some shitty special teams). Finally. The first blowout win I have seen for CSU since...since...I guess the 2004 victory over UNLV (which I for some reason watched on TV in the dorms. Man I was a wasted idiot freshman year).
If pictures are worth a 1,000 words, videos are worth a billionty words.
Ohhh, that was fun. I finally actually got to watch CSU win a game this season. I didn't know how to react, as all our alumni (all 15 people) who showed up at Kristy's bar to watch kept reacting in shock to the score. Winning is so much more fun.
I know UNLV sucks, but we didn't sneak by them, we pounded them. Finally this team showed some signs of talent and drive, something Coach Fair kept saying he saw in them, but something I was missing.
Will we have a chance vs. Utah? Probably not, they are in fact the 9th best team in the nation. Still, these Rams haven't given up on the season and I really don't expect them to. BYU, New Mexico, and Wyoming are all teams we should expect to beat, while SDSU and Utah are games were I would love to see us stay competitive. No more blowouts, mmmmckay?
Broncos: Much like the Indianapolis game, the Broncos outplayed a top-flight team and figured out a way to fuck themselves. You can't give away points in the NFL and expect to win. Denver fucked up a field goal and missed another. Then a very shitty PI call and a shitty snap dicked us. Weak.
Denver could have been up big at half and forced the Jets to be one-dimensional in the second, which would have really made them no-dimensional since Sanchize sucks cock at football. I mean, he missed a lot of open receivers all day. Brian Griese-esque.
Instead of 3-3 and the division lead down to a game, we now sit at a hard luck 2-4. Nothing is decided, since our division does suck, but this loss really hurts. It makes next week against Oakland a must-win. If we lose to those cunts from Oakland I will start preparing for the draft, where we will probably trade up to take the most annoying asshole in college football again (Cam Newton so far is the front-runner, to complete McDaniels goal of an all-QB offense).
Speaking of former Florida assholes, the great Tebow finally did something. Scoring the most God-like 5-yard touchdown ever. Which is exactly what he should be doing, since every other Bronco who runs the ball hits the hole like with as much aggression as McLovin.
(Warning: Ranty) Speaking more of Tebowner, ESPNews actually teased the Broncos-Jets game as such: "See if the Jets had enough to overcome a career day from Tim Tebow." Are you fucking kidding me? This is like the 3rd game he has actually played, of course it's a career game. You know who had a true career game? The fool from New Orleans who came from nowhere to rush for a buck-thirty. It has become clear 97% of my hatred for Tebow is just misplaced hatred of ESPN (2% his super-religiousness, .5% being from Florida and .5% because he knows Erin Andrews better than I). Tebow and ESPN are very similar, as I dispise many things about each of them, but they are integral parts of my life I cannot live without.
/Ummmm, rant over.
Nuggets: Melo is still a Nugget. We are losing to Minnesota, which is inexcusable, even in the preseason.
Hippots from Boulder: That is a mix of hippy and faggots, which I think surmises CU peoples. Anyway, I watched the end of their loss to Baylor and I must say they ran the worst 2-minute drill in history. God I hope they manage to eak out 7 wins this season to save Hawkins job. I have nightmares of them landing Mike Leach and it makes me want to cry.
Avs: A 3-2 East Coast trip. And a dub over the Red Wings. Gotta love that start to the season. I swear I'll get my preview up soon.
Baseball: Go Rangers. I hate every other team. Antlers up.
Soccer: Liverpool blows ass. I refuse to get up a 5am to watch SHITE like that. And now they are owned by the guys who run the Red Sox. Can't wait for pink Liverpool jerseys.
Baseball redux: Actually, fuck the Rangers because of Tom Hicks (old Liverpool owner) and W. I guess I will just root for the Yankees, because who gives a shit if they win another title. It really doesn't mean shit anymore. You aren't better at baseball, you are just better at having more money and buying other teams good players. Congrats, caulksponges.
Life: I have two more months out here in San Diego and in that span I will be busy. Halloween (where I will be Rexs, plural. Rex from Toy Story and also Rex Ryan. Halloween is like 4 weeks long out here, gotta have a back-up costume), CSU-SDSU (which doubles as my birthday weekend), Broncos-Chargers game, Thanksgiving and a trip to Vegas with my German friends (I plan on eliminating all the gin and jews. Get it?). I may not have a lot of time to blog during that stretch, but on the other hand, I might have a whole lot of crazy stories that need to be told.
LET'S DOOOOO THISSSS!!!!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 12
We last saw Mike being a giant, coked out d-bag. He even slapped Snookers. Oh for shame. Vinny was getting his love groove on and no one else was really doing much of anything.
In important off the show news, South Park did a wonderful parody of the Jer-Z peoples and J-Woww makes her pro-wrestling debut this weekend, raising the ages old question, which is more scripted, rasslin' or reality TV.
-We start with Mikey all bitchy, making everyone leave the club because Vinny's girl turned him down. He apologizes the next morning, while Vinny gets to smush. Good for Vinsanity. I'm glad your dreamgirl is a whore who dances in a trendy, douchy nightclub. So is mine.
Mike apologizes to Snooki by dry humping her.
-"Awww, Vinny, you're in love?" asks Sammy. "Naw, I don't believe in that." -Vin, with the pimp line of the year, even if it is a dirty lie.
-"He is like my big brother. I trust him. But you usually don't have sex with your big brother." -Snooki, on Vinny.
No you don't, but I'm sure, based on Snooki's looks and intelligence, inbreading is not a new phenomena in her family. Just saying.
-"Junk." -J-Woww. "What? I am drunk, I don't give a fuck." -Snooki. She is so distraught about the loss of Ryder, until...
"Snooki SMUSH-SMUSH?"
Yeah, great plan by J-oww to distract her with cock. That always works.
-"This girl looks like a fucking whore." -Snooki, on J-Woww's super hookery outfit that would make trashy hookers blush.
Then J-Woww asks Snooki's opinion. Snickers responds, "You look amazing." Lying ass bitches.
As well, Snooki calling anyone a whore breaks the hypocrite scale.
-"If you got the fattest gear, and no one can come into your atmosphere, then you're part of t-shirt time, until we yell 'Cab's here.'" -Vinny. I tell, there will most certainly be a "T-Shirt Time" song within the next 3 months.
-"It is 3:15, we just got here, and somebody pissed on my parade already." -Ron. God I need to party in Miami and Vegas some more. Places that don't close are so titty. Also, I am deeply saddened that Ronnie didn't get involved in the aggro-ness. He hasn't layed out one person all year. WEAK!
-"You should've found an easier girl." -Random slutty whore. "I know, I should have." -Situation.
Look, I don't mean to make a joke out of rape, but in this case I think it almost should have be allowed. I mean, if you leave a club at 3:30 am with guys, go back to their house, wearing tiny dresses and get into BED WITH THEM, you are asking to be fucked. Every action you have made has said you want to have sex, you shouldn't be able to back out at the last instant. It is like planning a terrorist attack, buying all the chemicals, picking out a target, getting to the building you want to blow up, then getting arrested and then saying, "No, I wasn't actually gonna go through." No one would believe your ass and you would still get charged as a terrorist, but when it comes to sex everyone is like, "Yeah, that girl really didn't want it." Bullshit.
-"I need someone to take one for the team, jump on the grenade, even difuse a bomb if necessary. You know, it is a war out there." -Pauly D.
-"Pauly and Vinny were both there all wifey'd up." -Sammy, with her first quotable. EVER. Fucking whore.
-"Snooki want SMUSH_SMUSH Firemen." Of course even the most noble gesture by Mike causes fucking chaos.
-"I'm exotic." Says desperate for attention Sam. "You look Asian. I like it." -Ron.
Somehow this sparks their 10,000,000,000th break up. Can he just kill her, please?
-Like we really needed a chalkboard breakdown to figure out that these people's sex lives are more tangled than 10 Ipod buds run through a washing machine. You are all whorey whores.
-"Two blondes from Canadia." -Mike.
-Yet again, why the fuck is this whore even at the house if she doesn't want SMUSH?
I understand why the Situation would be pissed at these cunts who won't fuck, but he could show a little tact and help Pauly out. Take them out to the hot tub, or cook them some food or just chill on the couch with them while Pauly gets his D in. These girls might even decide to hook-up with you later if you give them a little attention, not just pull them into a room with single beds a few inches apart. Not everyone likes boning just feet from their friend/sister.
On the same token, I like that he is making these girls feel like shit for being the blue balling bitches they are. But he could wait five minutes while Pauly slides it in, then kick both girls out in even more hilarious fashion.
Next week: ON THE DRAMATIC FINALE...we get way too much Ron and Sammy, Pauly unleashes his foghorn voice on Snooki/J-Woww, Mike has a threesome with a very tranny looking whore (again?) and someone dies (I hope).
Monday, October 11, 2010
Weekend Sack-Up: We are bad at football
My teams sucked. Except the Avs, but that game was all the way back on Thursday. Which was three blackout days ago. You expect me to write shit about that? You expect too much.
Okay, I'll try:
CSU: The one advantage we should always have against Air Force is size and speed, since our players are free to smoke weed, talk to girls and not attend class (and that whole military post-grad thing). Sadly, CSU has no such advantage right now because of how shitty our recruiting has been for the last five years. Air Force's players are certainly smarter than ours, but the fact that they were also bigger, stronger and faster really caused us problems.
You know what else caused us problems? The fact that we aren't very good at football. Our offensive and defensive lines actually played okay. Pretty much every other aspect of our teams was terrible. There is no need to be PC about our "special" teams, they are just retarded. And our cornerbacks couldn't shred a block or cover a wide receiver.
Even when we did something well, we fucked it up. Like the two times Pete Kontodiakos dropped punts inside the 10 with plenty of hangtime and our coverage guys responded with the smooth reactions of four mongoloids trying to fuck a greased pig.
So embarrassing.
Denver Broncos: I admit I didn't see this game, but other than two great catches by B-Lloyd and a big ole' lick by Dawkins, there wasn't much to miss. The Broncos might as well forfeit games in Baltimore these days, as we just get beat by about 20 everytime.
Denver Nuggets: Carmelo Anthony is still a Nugget. So is JR Smith. And K-Mart. I know how this movie ends, so let me post my end of season recap for the Nuggets right now.
Los Avalanches: Thank Elway-God for them. I know it was only one game, but they beat half of the defending champions (I mean, Chicago's firesale this offseason was quasi-Marlin).
Yes, the beautiful Avs are my salvation this week (and the bottle, as I haven't stopped drinking since I landed in Denver last week) and I owe it to them to do a real preview, which will come out in the next couple of days.
I'll try to spread a little positivity in this bitter, shitty world. But I'm Bitter Brad at the moment.
So please, if you are an Avs fan give me the reasons you are excited for this season so I canshamelessly steal borrow it so that I can be lazier use it in my preview.
Okay, I'll try:
CSU: The one advantage we should always have against Air Force is size and speed, since our players are free to smoke weed, talk to girls and not attend class (and that whole military post-grad thing). Sadly, CSU has no such advantage right now because of how shitty our recruiting has been for the last five years. Air Force's players are certainly smarter than ours, but the fact that they were also bigger, stronger and faster really caused us problems.
You know what else caused us problems? The fact that we aren't very good at football. Our offensive and defensive lines actually played okay. Pretty much every other aspect of our teams was terrible. There is no need to be PC about our "special" teams, they are just retarded. And our cornerbacks couldn't shred a block or cover a wide receiver.
Even when we did something well, we fucked it up. Like the two times Pete Kontodiakos dropped punts inside the 10 with plenty of hangtime and our coverage guys responded with the smooth reactions of four mongoloids trying to fuck a greased pig.
So embarrassing.
Denver Broncos: I admit I didn't see this game, but other than two great catches by B-Lloyd and a big ole' lick by Dawkins, there wasn't much to miss. The Broncos might as well forfeit games in Baltimore these days, as we just get beat by about 20 everytime.
Denver Nuggets: Carmelo Anthony is still a Nugget. So is JR Smith. And K-Mart. I know how this movie ends, so let me post my end of season recap for the Nuggets right now.
If I end up actually doing an NBA preview with Edy it will be even more bitter and angry than that. Who can't wait for that?So another Nuggets season ended with a loss in the first round to (circle one) Los Angeles/Oklahoma City. What a frustrating year. Some huge wins over LA and that classic 2OT battle with the Heat. A lot of disappointing losses like that 168-124 loss to Golden State. But at least JR scored 64 in that one, too bad Stephan Curry went for 80 and the equipment manager scored 14 in mop up duty since Golden State only dressed 6 players for the game. After (fill in the following names in some order; Birdman, Nene, K-Mart, Al Harrington) __________ tore his ACL, the arrest of ________ for sexually assaulting a clown, ____________ came down with planters vaginosis and ___________ was suspended for his fight with the one of the Maloof brothers over gambling debts/white girl (real one)/white girl (cocaine) the season was shot (which isn't a pun, sadly, as somehow Johan Petro actually got shot. No one has bothered to check if he is alive). At least Chauncey gave it a good effort. It was just tough to play a some of those games 4-on-6 when Melo would decide to audition for another team, by literally playing for them. And big ups to David Stern for not giving a shit about any of this, saying "Fuck off, Denver. You know the finals are going to be Heat/Lakers, unless Kobe gets busy with a flight attendent or something, again. I couldn't give a shit about any team not touching a beach. You too OKC, conference finals are as far as you will ever get. I got my best refs on it."
Los Avalanches: Thank Elway-God for them. I know it was only one game, but they beat half of the defending champions (I mean, Chicago's firesale this offseason was quasi-Marlin).
Yes, the beautiful Avs are my salvation this week (and the bottle, as I haven't stopped drinking since I landed in Denver last week) and I owe it to them to do a real preview, which will come out in the next couple of days.
I'll try to spread a little positivity in this bitter, shitty world. But I'm Bitter Brad at the moment.
So please, if you are an Avs fan give me the reasons you are excited for this season so I can
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 11
-"She's so big, dawg, she broke the bed." -Situation, as he and Pauly D move Angie's bed out of the room. Or attempt to move it, and instead break everything they touch. Including the window of some car when they huck her shoes over the Metropole fence.
-Snooki tries to rescue a lobster, named Charlie, planning to keep it in a bowl of water and feed it worms (since she refuses to eat food that has lived /shakes head sadly). .
"It goes in salt water you idiot." -Vinny. Shockingly this plan fails to save Charlie and instead she basically tortures the poor thing by keeping it in fresh water.
"Charlie's dead now." -Pauly.
I've said it before, but these people destroy everything they touch, even when their intentions are good.
-Girl drama is the single most depressing, annoying thing in the world. That is why I don't talk to girls unless I am drunk and actively trying to fuck. And not for longer than like 5 minutes at a time.
-I am really excited to sneak a flask and some 40 oz. brews into the theater to watch Jackass 3D. Great way to pull underage trim.
-Awwwww, Vinny's in love. Can't wait for this to end spectacularly.
-How is it possible that Snooki can have a friend who is an even bigger shitshow than herself? Such a person just couldn't function, yet we meet her friend Ryder who Snooki looks down on. They also communicate with sound effects. This is awesome on so many levels.
They also get the most massive drinks ever at some bar, and before I die I will consume that uber-Margarita or whatever the fuck it is.
-"You look like a Chippendale dancer." -Snook. "A very religous one." -Ryder, I think, commenting on the Sit's horrible vest. I believe this slight of his outfit set into motion his bitchyness for the rest of the show.
-"You did meet him and you made out with him." -Ronald, burning Sammy after she judges Mike for being a creep. Sammy's insecurity is off the charts. The only thing she knows is that she doesn't like J-Woww, but fuck me if I can find why she feels this way.
-This Wednesday's South Park is going to be fucking epic. Randy Marsh plus Jersey Shore is a guaranteed hit.
-"Do you masturbate before you go out?" -Snooks, to Sammy. Of course Sammy has to ask "Do you?" to Snickles before herself answering in accordance. They say they don't, which is bullshit.
In case you are wondering, I try to, but sometimes a shower beer takes precedence, and I don't like mixing those pleasures.
-I would very much like to see someone slap the shit out of the Situation. Vinny needs to just knock him out the next time he tries to "commit a robbery."
Really glad that girl turned him down and stuck with my man Vin.
-"All of us are dancing and having fun. (Mike's) watching the show." -Pauly D. Speaking of Mikey, his sudden "bad, edgy, no patience mood" screams out drug use. Add that to his rapey tendencies and he really should go play ball at the U.
Mixed with his own insecurity issues. I think he and Sammy would make a wonderful couple.
Next Week: The Situation fails to close, he gets into a bitchy fight with someone and then the sun rises.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
You Can Go Back to College: TCU PostPregaming
This weekend I went back in time. No, not with Doc Brown and Marty, but back to college.
Time travel to college is always possible, especially in a town like Fort Collins (especially since we traveled forward in time on many occasions while blacked out, the Fort is obviously located in some odd Space/Time Continuum). Even if the names and locations of the bars change while the students at the bar keep looking younger, the beautiful thing about CSU and it's surroundings is that all the energy from those youngins partying will make you feel like you have a freshly minted 21+ ID and no aversion to vodka.
As soon as I rolled into the Fort on Friday afternoon I felt an optimism and freshness that has been out of my life for too long. It had been almost two years since I was in Fort Collins for a football game weekend and I had forgotten just how fun those days were.
In less than 48 hours I hit up almost every place that was important to me during my years at State. I started off Friday with some El Burrito, then a brew tour at New Belgium ("The beer is free?" my mother asked, shocked) and then a quick visit to campus.
Now, San Diego has beautiful weather year round, but there is nothing like a sunny, clear Colorado day in the fall or spring. It is literally perfect weather and you enjoy it because it is unexpected and you don't know how long it will last. You can actually use it as an excuse to leave work early or take an extended lunch.
I dropped by the ole campus to check in with past employers, to alert them that I was returning to Colorado. I love CSU, and I would really love it a whole lot more if my education and contacts there actually helped land me a job. My old bosses were nice enough to ask me to join them for a beer at Potts, another check mark on the FoCo experience.
I also really needed to drop a deuce, so I hit up my favorite stall on campus (Clark C) and read the best student newspaper in the world (Step your game up, Ramtalkers). Check.
Friday night was Round 1 of Old Town; Sports Exchange (formerly Hamiltons & Connor O'Neils?), Bondi (Zydecos), and Steakout (Steakout). Even though the decorations and names had changed at the first two bars I still ran into a lot of familiar faces.
I crashed at my buddy Kilometer's house and he was kind enough to wake me up in the wee hours of the morning with a bloody mary. Such hospitality. From that moment on (8:00-ish) I had a drink in my hand for almost 12 hours, with a short break before another trip to Old Town. God I miss college football Saturdays.
Places were I drank in the next 12 hours:
-At Kilos house
-In his roommates Charlie's truck on the way to The Entrepreneur's house.
-In the back of The Entrepreneur's 20-foot flatbed truck while making sure the gas can didn't tip over.
-At our tailgate spot, featuring giant speakers and a dance party on said flatbed truck (and several lovely shotguns, including one with my favorite Newcastle fan and former Sullivan's bouncer, which checks off that place on my list without me having to go there).
-In the Ram Wagon, a converted Winnebago that had been abandoned for a year before some CSU fans rescued it, hotwired it and brought it to the game. Inside the wagon we founda plethora of random tailgating crap, including BB guns in case we had to battle the cops, or something.
-At the Ramstrong Tailgate along with my parents and Sonny Lubick.
-In line to get into the stadium, along with my favorite painted Ram fans, some pictured here:
-And of course, several beers in the stands, which was really awesome of my parents to buy for me (My parents fed me and bought me beer all weekend, like I was a very spoiled, alcoholic 12-year old. It was really a dream come true).
We now interrupt this blog about drinking in college with some...
Actual Game Analysis: The game sucked. We didn't even score. Didn't even come close. The D played hard, but just died after halftime. I only wanted one score to rush the field and I couldn't even get that.
Now, back to the fun. After dicking around in the early evening (videogames and Icings, bro), it was finally T-SHIRT TIME!!! and the highlight of my trip: The ride from Kilo's house to Old Town.
The bed of the The Entrepreneur's commercial truck is also equipped with giant speakers and subwoofers, so he, Kilos and I all rode in the back down college slamming Coors Lights while jamming out to Tio Cruz (Dynamite), B.O.B. (Magic), and Cee-Lo (Fuck You). I had as much fun in those 10 minutes as I have had doing almost anything out here in San Diego. A valuable lesson: good friends are better than good weather.
I got my handfuls of nuts from Lucky Joes and then moved onto the Sports Ex again, joined by Sailor, Nutty Nate, the Morman and DJ Stringer Bell. It was an enjoyable night full of whores, near-fights and a random encounter with my buddy Johnny from my Vegas trip last year. Told you I was a big deal.
Though I was planning on returning to Colorado in December-ish, this weekend was the final nail that confirmed to me that I have to move back. I am a Coloradoan, I am a Ram and the Box State is my home.
I mean, I can't just go back to college once a year. That place needs me.
Broncos: I watched an entire Broncos game for the first time this season and I really like what I saw. Orty Balls is playing as dirty as his beard, the defense flies around making big plays and our coverage units still suck. Welp, 2-of-3 ain't bad.
Better than being the Bears (hahahahahahahahha Cuntler I hope you die you Cunt) but salvation shall lie in the hands of Caleb Hanie (Memo to NFL teams: If you are set to play the Bears and Hanie is starting, sign Carson Bird. Caleb Hanie loves him like retards love glue.)
Bonus shoutout to Joel Dreessen, who led the Texans in recieving yards and cashed in a TD on Sunday. Pretty baller for a guy who played ball at Fort Morgan High (where much of the Rothe family is from /name drop).
Rockies: You guys closed out the season like the Broncos. That is not good.
At least you didn't lead us on until the last day and destroy us like the Padres enjoy doing to their 79 fans. I'm less concerned about the end of season swoon than the mediocrity you guys exhibited from April-August. Let's add a couple pitchers and get guys who don't strike out every third at bat (Tulo excluded. Cargo, work on it a little).
Avs: Hockey starts tomorrow. Just in fucking time, as I'm really sick of baseball right now (Ohhh, no-hitter. Fuck you Halliday and all you Philly Phucks). Get on the Avswagon now folks. Matty Ice, Mr. Anderson and all of the young guns will be a power for years, get on while there is still room (and there is plenty now since Colorado forgot about hockey following the strike).
Nuggets: Don't give a shit right now. But did you see John Wall? Kid is fucking ill. If Washington goes back to Bullets I might actually switch allegiances. You just watch.
Upcoming: Jersey Shore Hook-Ups tomorrow, Nuggs/NBA Preview w/ Edy (if his lazy ass feels like it), maybe an Avs preview (prolly not), CSU/SDSU weekend crazyness and the Sack family attending a Chargers/Broncos game. Should be a damn interesting last couple months in San Diego.
Time travel to college is always possible, especially in a town like Fort Collins (especially since we traveled forward in time on many occasions while blacked out, the Fort is obviously located in some odd Space/Time Continuum). Even if the names and locations of the bars change while the students at the bar keep looking younger, the beautiful thing about CSU and it's surroundings is that all the energy from those youngins partying will make you feel like you have a freshly minted 21+ ID and no aversion to vodka.
As soon as I rolled into the Fort on Friday afternoon I felt an optimism and freshness that has been out of my life for too long. It had been almost two years since I was in Fort Collins for a football game weekend and I had forgotten just how fun those days were.
In less than 48 hours I hit up almost every place that was important to me during my years at State. I started off Friday with some El Burrito, then a brew tour at New Belgium ("The beer is free?" my mother asked, shocked) and then a quick visit to campus.
Now, San Diego has beautiful weather year round, but there is nothing like a sunny, clear Colorado day in the fall or spring. It is literally perfect weather and you enjoy it because it is unexpected and you don't know how long it will last. You can actually use it as an excuse to leave work early or take an extended lunch.
I dropped by the ole campus to check in with past employers, to alert them that I was returning to Colorado. I love CSU, and I would really love it a whole lot more if my education and contacts there actually helped land me a job. My old bosses were nice enough to ask me to join them for a beer at Potts, another check mark on the FoCo experience.
I also really needed to drop a deuce, so I hit up my favorite stall on campus (Clark C) and read the best student newspaper in the world (Step your game up, Ramtalkers). Check.
Friday night was Round 1 of Old Town; Sports Exchange (formerly Hamiltons & Connor O'Neils?), Bondi (Zydecos), and Steakout (Steakout). Even though the decorations and names had changed at the first two bars I still ran into a lot of familiar faces.
I crashed at my buddy Kilometer's house and he was kind enough to wake me up in the wee hours of the morning with a bloody mary. Such hospitality. From that moment on (8:00-ish) I had a drink in my hand for almost 12 hours, with a short break before another trip to Old Town. God I miss college football Saturdays.
Places were I drank in the next 12 hours:
-At Kilos house
-In his roommates Charlie's truck on the way to The Entrepreneur's house.
-In the back of The Entrepreneur's 20-foot flatbed truck while making sure the gas can didn't tip over.
-At our tailgate spot, featuring giant speakers and a dance party on said flatbed truck (and several lovely shotguns, including one with my favorite Newcastle fan and former Sullivan's bouncer, which checks off that place on my list without me having to go there).
-In the Ram Wagon, a converted Winnebago that had been abandoned for a year before some CSU fans rescued it, hotwired it and brought it to the game. Inside the wagon we founda plethora of random tailgating crap, including BB guns in case we had to battle the cops, or something.
-At the Ramstrong Tailgate along with my parents and Sonny Lubick.
-In line to get into the stadium, along with my favorite painted Ram fans, some pictured here:
-And of course, several beers in the stands, which was really awesome of my parents to buy for me (My parents fed me and bought me beer all weekend, like I was a very spoiled, alcoholic 12-year old. It was really a dream come true).
We now interrupt this blog about drinking in college with some...
Actual Game Analysis: The game sucked. We didn't even score. Didn't even come close. The D played hard, but just died after halftime. I only wanted one score to rush the field and I couldn't even get that.
Now, back to the fun. After dicking around in the early evening (videogames and Icings, bro), it was finally T-SHIRT TIME!!! and the highlight of my trip: The ride from Kilo's house to Old Town.
The bed of the The Entrepreneur's commercial truck is also equipped with giant speakers and subwoofers, so he, Kilos and I all rode in the back down college slamming Coors Lights while jamming out to Tio Cruz (Dynamite), B.O.B. (Magic), and Cee-Lo (Fuck You). I had as much fun in those 10 minutes as I have had doing almost anything out here in San Diego. A valuable lesson: good friends are better than good weather.
I got my handfuls of nuts from Lucky Joes and then moved onto the Sports Ex again, joined by Sailor, Nutty Nate, the Morman and DJ Stringer Bell. It was an enjoyable night full of whores, near-fights and a random encounter with my buddy Johnny from my Vegas trip last year. Told you I was a big deal.
Though I was planning on returning to Colorado in December-ish, this weekend was the final nail that confirmed to me that I have to move back. I am a Coloradoan, I am a Ram and the Box State is my home.
I mean, I can't just go back to college once a year. That place needs me.
Broncos: I watched an entire Broncos game for the first time this season and I really like what I saw. Orty Balls is playing as dirty as his beard, the defense flies around making big plays and our coverage units still suck. Welp, 2-of-3 ain't bad.
Better than being the Bears (hahahahahahahahha Cuntler I hope you die you Cunt) but salvation shall lie in the hands of Caleb Hanie (Memo to NFL teams: If you are set to play the Bears and Hanie is starting, sign Carson Bird. Caleb Hanie loves him like retards love glue.)
Bonus shoutout to Joel Dreessen, who led the Texans in recieving yards and cashed in a TD on Sunday. Pretty baller for a guy who played ball at Fort Morgan High (where much of the Rothe family is from /name drop).
Rockies: You guys closed out the season like the Broncos. That is not good.
At least you didn't lead us on until the last day and destroy us like the Padres enjoy doing to their 79 fans. I'm less concerned about the end of season swoon than the mediocrity you guys exhibited from April-August. Let's add a couple pitchers and get guys who don't strike out every third at bat (Tulo excluded. Cargo, work on it a little).
Avs: Hockey starts tomorrow. Just in fucking time, as I'm really sick of baseball right now (Ohhh, no-hitter. Fuck you Halliday and all you Philly Phucks). Get on the Avswagon now folks. Matty Ice, Mr. Anderson and all of the young guns will be a power for years, get on while there is still room (and there is plenty now since Colorado forgot about hockey following the strike).
Nuggets: Don't give a shit right now. But did you see John Wall? Kid is fucking ill. If Washington goes back to Bullets I might actually switch allegiances. You just watch.
Upcoming: Jersey Shore Hook-Ups tomorrow, Nuggs/NBA Preview w/ Edy (if his lazy ass feels like it), maybe an Avs preview (prolly not), CSU/SDSU weekend crazyness and the Sack family attending a Chargers/Broncos game. Should be a damn interesting last couple months in San Diego.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 10
We last saw our favorite drunken-semigods as Mike and Angelina were arguing about cleaning or something. Then she hauled off and tried to punch him. Stupid move, Angie, his head is way too big to be damaged by a punch.
-God this episode is boring early. Mike yelling at Angie, her yelling at Mike, me not giving a shit. Just go the fuck home, Angie.
-"Bringing random guys home, girls don't do that. Guys do that." -Pauly D. If there weren't worthless whores like Angelina how would guys like Pauly get laid? It's the chicken and the egg theory of Jersey Shore.
-Apparently you become a true member of the house when you try to punch Mike, at least according to J-Woww. Then Mike calls himself the leader of the house and compares himself to a third-world dictator. I really can't wait until that season of Jersey Shore, in Situationstan.
-T-SHIIIIRRRRTTTT TIIIIMMMMEEEE. Who wants to go in on me in a certified "T-Shirt Time" remix? Which rapper does it first? I bet Joe Budden makes a reference soon, some bum ass Southern rapper is the first to make a full song.
-New Samantha is a "model" from "Canada." Okay. She also calls some other whore "a nobody" at the club. Pot, meet kettle. Whores, meet slut.
-"She showed the Situation what she was all aboot." -Vinny. Too easy.
-When exactly should Angelina have asked to use Mike's bed, while he was having awkward, loud sex with Canadian Bacon? I think that would have been more rude.
P.S. Can we make sure to get this Jose fellow at the after show? I want to see him get fucking crushed as they show him video of Angie banging Vinny. I imagine he will have the same look on his face as Yankees fans watching the Red Sox win in 2007.
-"OHHHH YAAAHHHH! WAKE UP, YAHHH!!" I want a Pauly D alarm clock.
-Two of the notes on Snooks list are "Person like me" and "Someone who doesn't cheat." That is the definition of mutually exclusive.
-Only Angelina can turn a dinner invite into an arguement. "For myself, I'm gonna figure out what I want to do, then I'm going to do that." It was a yes or no question.
-That was a cute cyber-bullying ad. Guess what? If you try to kill yourself because of what someone writes about you on-line, you were going to do it anyway. The internet just speeds up the process, so we all win.
-"My v-neck is so fresh that it skipped t-shirt time. It defied the rules of t-shirt time." -Vinny.
-Angelina decides to leave at like 4:30 am, but thankfully decides to confront everyone before she bails. Snooki decides that if she can't find a juicehead, she will just steal one of Angie's old flames. Gasoline, meet fire.
-To preview the fight, we turn to Ronaldo.
"Standing in one corner, 4'9" with a 2-inch poof, Snooki. In the other corner, weighing in at 322 lbs, the Staten Island Dump."-"It's like beating up a baby." -Ron, on how easy it is for Angelina to smack around Snookster. Ronny is on fire, saying maybe the two funniest things he has uttered in over 200 hours of TV time in the final minute of this episode.
-What a good smackdown. Snooki gets in some good shots, Angie dominates with a few solid takedowns. Then they go round two. Sadly Snooks doesn't actually go through with the effort to throw the vase of shells at Angelina, but I gotta give her props for creativity.
In the end, Angie gets the W. At least Snooki didn't get knocked the fuck out this time.
Aside: Why can they show this whole fight, but they bitched out of showing the Snooker film? It makes no sense. Kinda like how Tosh.0 had to swear retard one time, but CBS can show people getting shot non-stop. America is fucking stupid.
Next week: We recycle old plotlines with Sit. stealing Vinny's girl. Hopefully Vinny fucking shanks him. Snooki opens up about the list. That fucking list, again.
Only a couple 'sodes left and so many questions to answer. Will Ronnie kill anyone? Will Sammy ever realize how badly she was played? Will anyone double-team anyone? Will we ever see a black person on this show? Will Snooki find a giant, tiny-dicked man who enjoys bedazzled t-shirts? Will Vince's career be ruined by drug use? (Ooops wrong show).
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