Charger Hatin' Vol. 1: The Fans

 

#thingsthatarestupid

This week the Denver Broncos take on a team that has a very special place in my life, the San Diego Chargers. Yes, that special place is the back of the toilet where I aim when I am pissing. Every time I let loose a stream of yellow fury, I imagine Pip Rivers face yelling at me. It helps me relax, because sometimes I get a little tight, especially in public (Why are you being so difficult, Pedro? You are making me look like a weirdo who just likes to hang out in front of urinals).

Since my Denver Donkos will be invading Qualcomm on Monday night, this shall officially be Charger Bashing week. First up, we start with the worst of the worst, Chargers fans...

I could really give a fuck about Al-Queda or Osama, but if we could eradicate Chargers' fans I would be ecstatic. I mean, imagine how clear the 8 to the Beaches would be (sheds a wistful tear).Yes, Raider fans are much more visible and flagrant with their douchetastic outfits, but I also rarely have to deal with them.

Shockingly, the trouble with moving to San Diego is that there are an awful lot of San Diegans here, and most of them are Charger fans. This is weird for two reasons, because: A) San Diego is very much a transplant city B) I didn't think that migrant workers liked American football (on the subject of Futbol, suck it Costa Rica. Huson Street now off the hook for worst Fail of the Week).

The funniest thing about San Diego fans is their low expectations. At the Ralph's where I shop, they have this big ass Coke display where they have spelled out 'Chargers AFC WEST CHAMPS' in Diet Coke boxes. Creative? Yes. Hilarious? To me, oh hells yes.

Chargers fan: "WAHOOO! WE WENT 8-8 AND ONLY MADE THE PLAYOFFS BECAUSE THE OTHER TEAM FELL THE FUCK APART. Celebrate good times. Only seven other teams accomplished this last year. We beat out three other teams, two of whom were the Chiefs and the Raiders. Suck it, Denver.

Wow, honey. They are selling the Chargers AFC West Championship t-shirts for $16 here. What, I know that is two hours of my salary at Church's Chicken. Okay, fine, Ralph's is a little too exorbitant for us anyway. I bet they'll have some at the Food4Less for like $13. Oh man, can't wait to wear this thing when I see my probation officer on Monday."

On a plane to San Diego last summer a Chargers boo'd my Broncos shirt as I went to take a piss, and started talking shit about winning the AFC West. I took my piss, visualized Rivers, and planned on ignoring him, but I heard him talking shit to his friends the whole time while.  So, on my way back to my seat I just asked, "How many Super Bowls have you guys won?" and kept walking. He had no retort and sputtered something stupid, but if he did say anything I was going to drop, "And you know Holliday touched home." Glad it didn't come to that.

San Diegoans also apparently know the unspoken rule in world that black people don't wear the jerseys of white guys (unless they are badass throwbacks), but I have seen way too many black people rocking Marmalard jerseys in this town. I guess they would rather wear the jersey of a grade-A cockwallet than one of a giant pussy.

Seriously, Todd McFarlane made his LaToeinjury "Action Figure" into a lacktion figure. 

Even when the Broncos had Cutler and I loved his right arm, I was aware that he was douche. But Chargers' fans talk about Rivers like he is the Patron Saint of Quarterbacks. Get off his fucking dick, he isn't even as good as Stan Humphries after his 12th concussion.

I guess, other than Rivers or Tomlinson, the choices are pretty limited for SD fans. I don't understand how Chargers fans cheer for these guys. They feature a bigger collection of dicks than are present for a Kaci Starr gangbang scene (Google pornstars from Carbondale, CO if you are confused, no pic linking on this one). I mean, do you want a jersey that says you support a woman beater (Merriman), a couple of drunk driving receivers (Vincent Jackson and Chris Chambers), a super-high and erratic kicker (ask WD Scherle for more info on Keadding), etc. And there is no possible way that a Sproles jersey will fit a human over the age of six. Speaking of which... 

Here are 5 Things that are bigger than Darren Sproles:
1) My last duece. And it was pretty small, by my standards.
2) The baby from the E-Trade commericals
3) The average IQ of the Kardashian family
4) My chances of ever getting married (self burn, what?)
5) The world's tiniest violin

Aside: All of that talk of the horrible jersey choices SD fans have made me realize that I really want a B-Marsh jersey, because he encompasses everything into one fantastic Meast (Man-Beast) package.
 
In conclusion, there is only one Chargers fan that I don't mind looking at...

...but, like all the other Chargers fans, as soon as her mouth opens I will want to punch her square in the face and kick her as she falls.