When I was in third grade, after helping my dad win his illicit city-wide football pool (because I have always been a gotdamn sports genius*) he came home with the winnings, set to share that gwap with me. Then, in a Father Knows Best moment gone horribly wrong, he took away all but the two dollar entrance fee, attempting to learn me good about the dangers of gambling with other people's money, or some shit. I started bawling, juked out of my jock like I was trying to tackle Barry Sanders.
That is about the most equitable feeling I can compare to tonight's Rocks loss. Everything was shitty for the Rocks for about 6 innings, and even Tulo's double was soon followed by his blunder. Then, Giambino and Torreablba (seriously, what is with this guy in
(ASIDE: I should have known, the last time Jon Miles scored Rockies tickets we got swept before he could go. This time he goes and buys tickets to multiple games and brings his bad luck to Coors. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, STOP BUYING FUCKING TICKETS. First Edy with CSU, and now you with my Rox. Quit conspiring against me.)
But, there is a silver-lining and hope for the future for these Rocks, just like the end of my "gambling" story. See, after my tears came out, my mother called my dad a jerk and an asshole, which made me laugh (not out loud) and him feel terrible. Guess who not only got to keep his share of the money, but was also rewarded with my dad's share of the $48 bucks as well. Holler.
Yes, loyal readers, all seven of you, there are many more positives about these Rockies than there are negatives heading into next season. I could go into the negatives, but no one really wants a 40,000-word story describing the black hole-like suckitude of Clint Barmes, which was my alternate idea for this post. (Amaizingly, that story would only feature ten unique words repeated ad nauseam; Cocksucker, Barmes, douchebag, wildabeast-rape, PIIIIISSSSSS, zero, for, fourteen, error, shitfuck).
Addendum: Henceforth I shall not name [the player that batted eighth for the Rockies today]. If he must be referenced, it will be in brackets. [Name redacted]'s pop-ups to deep second and samurai-pose strike outs have driven me to the breaking point.
Positives:
The Obvious:
Tulo and Helton will be back to lead us, along with a competent manager. Cook will be solid again.
Cargo: I wonder if right now Billy Beane would even consider trading Matt Holliday straight-up for Carlos Gonzalez if he could revisit it. Mr. Lazorbeams just tore it up, at 23-years old, facing plus left-handed pitching in almost every at bat. A true five-tool player, he could be an all-star for the next decade if he continues to play like he did in the second half of this season.
And since I earlier suggested a song, well Gonzo should use Chester French's "I'm So Tall" as his walk-up song next season. "I'm so tall that Lazor beams are shooting out of my face." Yes, yes they are.
Ubaldo:
He is only 25. He only throws the hardest of anyone in the majors. He only breaks off stuff so filthy it should be condemned.
The U-Ball still makes a few mistakes a game, and has yet to put together one of those truly dominating performances, but he will, and hopefully that comes next year. He is already the best pitcher ever for the Rockies (a list that is neither long, nor distinguished) and I cannot wait to see him shove fastball up people's asses next season (no homo). I suggest "Beauty Queen" by Leather Dynamite, (unless you are at work) because, well, he doesn't seem that tough when you first look at him, all gangly and slow, but then wow, that just comes out of nowhere and shocks you.
DEX and EY2:
Also 23, Mr Fowler is the second young outfielder that should be entrenched in the "really, really big" outfield at Coors for the next decade, at the least. While not as powerful as Lazors Gonzalez, he is faster and still learning to hit from the left side of the plate, taking it up just four years ago after he was drafted. As we saw tonight (when he posterized Chase Utley) the boy has skillz.
EY2 is even fucking faster than Dex. Also a switch hitter, with a bit of pop (like his pops), he can fly. Just think if he had pulled that ball into the hole just a bit tonight, he would have easily beaten the throw. Imagine a Rockies lineup with him leading off, Dexter in the two-hole and Carlos third. Then a little bit of Tulo cleaning-up and little bit of Helton coming next. There is a melody to that like a Lou Bega song (Mambo #5). I think I just sported wood. (Yes, EY2 to second base, replacing [name redacted]. Just thinking of him caused me to stab myself in the abdomen with my nail file. FUCK.]
Bonus: Each already have awesome walk-up songs that are fitting, "Run This Town" ('cause he fast) and "Stuntin Like My Daddy" ('cause of his daddy. VROOM on that Yahama).
Roster Flexibility:
The ability to trade Hairy Atkins, B(r)ad Hawpe, [name redacted], Spilly, Torre or someone for some more pitching. We also have a deep farm system that could be used, but certainly one or more of those listed could be moved. Marquis is as good as gone, Atkins will give way to Stewie, (and I still think should have in the postseason even though Garret played all right) and I think that Seth Smith would put up similar numbers to Hawpe with a full season.
Let's trade Hawpe and Atkins for relief pitching and/or prospects. Also, let's offer [Suckmaster 2B], Dinger and the damn home run song to Azerbaijan for some pubic hair and call it even.
Here is my mock-up of my dream lineup next year:
1. EY2 2b
2. Dex CF
3. Carlos RF
4. Tulo SS
5. Helton 1B
6. Stewart 3B
7. Iannetta C
8. Smith LF
Bench:
[Player that I hate more than Jamie Carrol, and man do I hate Jamie Carrol]
Right-handed veteran who can play 1B, 3B, or a corner OF position. Someone cheap but with pop; Troy Glaus, Craig Counsell, Gabe Kappler, Fernando Tatis, etc.
If he is willing, resign Giambi
Spilly
Torre
A Deep Pitching Staff:
1. U-Ball
2. A healthy Jeff Francis
3. Cookie
4. De la Rosa
5. Hammel/Franklin Morales/Chacin
Relievers:
Closer: Street. He only blew three all year. Probably wasn't healthy and/or sharp after his injury late in the year, but you can't give up on him just because he was rocky. And yes, Rory, I do "Hate Him Now"
8th: Bettancourt. Dude is nails. Captain Clutch needs to be resigned
7th: Matt Daley and whichever of our #5 candidates loses out.
Also: Keep Joe Beimel if we can, sign another lefty specialist and get another solid veteran (LaTroya Hawkins?)
Yep, that shit is tight. We have power pitchers from the right side and from the left. Promising youngsters and proven veterans. Depth to carry us through the inevitable injury.
It was a damn good run this year. The ending for every team except one is bitter, but there were a ton of sweet moments this season. Yes, next season, I run to you, with open arms
*The asterik above is due to the fact that I found it funny, that while writing about my genious status, I misspelled three words, at least.
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