Tailgating is awesome. I don't really need to tell anyone that, but it feels good to say it. It is one of the few times in life that you can drink a beer and feel no regret for tossing it on the ground, haphazardly. You know why? Because they make the drunks and perverts who need to perform community service clean it up the next day. Nothing rubs it in those assholes' faces like having to pick up thousands of empty, crushed Keystone Light cans, when they aren't allowed to even take a sip. Irony, Atlanis Morrissette-stlye, even if that is not irony.
Anyway, I fancy myself a bit of an expert at tailgating, having progressed from the kid who passes out midway through the Nevada game in my youth (story to come week) to the 23-year-old that still managed to be "the drunkest person on the field," according the Trevor Edy, after we rushed the field against CU. Okay, that may not look like a lot of progress, but during the CU game I was drinking the whole time to keep that buzz up and remember everything, while the Nevada game is one big blur of me falling down.
My secret, is to avoid hard alcohol and focus on pounding as much beer, as quickly as possible. The best way to do this, of course is the beer IV, but I can never find my veins with the needle. So instead I resort to my second favorite technique, THE SHOTGUN.
Yes, what a beautiful way to drink a beer. "NO thank you Pete Coors. I do not want to taste your swill or drink out of your fancy, new-fangled pull-tab. I want to stab this metal, sharp object with another metal, sharp object and then place my lips on a metal, sharp hole in order to make it shoot this alcohol straight into my throat. WHOOOO!"
What are the options. Simply chugging from the can takes far too long. I would guess 10 seconds or more at least.
Actually, we interrupt this blog for a quick episode of the popular discovery channel show, Mythbusters. In the name of science (and boredom and my new goal to raise my tolerance back to semi-college levels from the tity-drugger where I currently reside), I will now test this theory.
Shotgunning: 10 seconds to pierce can and make sure I don't spill all over the room, 3 seconds to chug. Total=13 seconds.
Chugging: 1 second to crack, 28 second to chug. Total=29 seconds.
Conclusion: While the shotgun took a little longer to prep for, I was able to drink it at almost six times the speed. Impressive. Also, the prep time to shotgun would go down significantly if I wasn't sitting in front of my computer, but in a parking lot unconcerned by spray (but as I will teach later, spray can be avoided if you are smart). So, in a perfect world, I could shotgun about 3 beers in the same time as I could chug one. Don't need to be a Josh McDaniels math major to understand that one.
P.S. Anyone who believes that I wouldn't really do this, doesn't know me at all, but here are some pics. Best part, 'Born in the USA' by Springsteen came on while I was doing my testing. Bawse:
Well, now that we understand just how awesome, and how much quicker, shotgunning is, I think that we should get into the how exactly to go about the shotgun.
You might be saying, Sack, you have shotgunned a beer with every person who will ever have the misfortune to check out this site, you don't need to tell us how to do it. Guess what? That is a valid point, but I write this blog for the hypothetical blog scouts that might stumble upon it and sign me to a big-ass blog deal.
This video does a pretty good job of explaining it, minus the pussy, "you might die from this" safety warning. (Warning: If you drink beer responsibly, you could die from being a complete pussy. Who wants that?)
I also disagree with some other issues in this video.
-Very poor hole-stabbing technique ("That's what she said."). The best way to shotgun was first introduced to me by Sam Horwitz, a person I am beginning to think I invented in my head so I could pretend I knew a Jewish person. Anyway, he showed me during Thanksgiving Break freshman year how to create the puncture hole in the bottom of the can with your finger. You just turn the can over, turn the can back towards right-side-up, locate the air bubble as it moves up the can, and jam your finger in. Should work like a charm (This guy shows you how). It doesn't always. In fact, often after I first learned this trick I would end up slicing my finger open. Ooops. At least alcohol kills all the germs.
-Use a key, not a knife. Now, I have simplified this approach, as I turn over the can, wait for the air bubble and puncture the can with my parent's house key. I think a key works better than a finger, and is certainly safer than a knife, but both work. Just apply steady pressure with a key after you have located the air bubble in the can, don't stab. Plus it reminds me of home.
Sure you can always stab beers alone or race a couple friends, but the only way to really get the full tailgate expirience is through the the BRO-GUN: It is the most common shotgun. A bunch of guys, hyped up, screaming, probably wearing body paint. They are gonna shotgun, they are going to peer pressure you into it, and if you are being a pussy and don't do it, you will watch and be impressed by them, because they have made this shotgun the center of attention for your parking row.
There isn't all whole lot of technique to the Bro, it is a smash-and-grab shotgun. It begins with a primal yell of "SHOTGUN. C'MON." Everyone grabs a beer, circles up, and takes turns stabbing their beer, often creating a fairly impressive spray, perhaps giving themselves or someone nearby a facial.
Everyone in the circle then has a "cheers" in the middle, yell something unintelligible and then powers down some Keystone at their own pace. Except, being Bros, everything is a little bit of a competition, so as soon as one person finishes their beer and chucks it to the ground, everyone picks up their pace to not look like a queer. But don't abandon your effort too soon, or else everyone will mock you for wasting beer, like a queer. It is a cruel cycle.
FAILGATES: I did not initially grasp the art of the shotgun, as before freshman year I still got confused exactly which hole was which (Wait, that may have been a different type of fail altogether?). At a party at my friend Mo's house once, while in a BRO-GUN, I accidentally turned my beer upside-down and opened the tab.
A great shotgun gone wrong occurred before the UNLV game last season. My parents were in town to tailgate and I also decided this was the perfect week to paint my body green and gold, as I had promised my friend Dusty I would do it. So right before painting ourselves green, my roommate Cheney and I also made Dusty honor his end of the deal, to shotgun a beer with us. But not just any beer, a tall boy PBR. Yes, 24 oz. of wonderful, 'Steak-in-a-can,' Blue Ribbon excellence.
A regular shotgun creates some apprehension, knowing that all that foam might fuck up your stomach's world, but a big-ass Pibber is a whole 'nother story. But being a true Bro and friend, Dusty stepped up to help Nate and I continue our good-luck stomach punishing.
And damnit if the bastard didn't kick our asses. Finishing probably 5 seconds ahead of me and not even taking a breath-pause, which I needed.
Still, almost as soon as he finished, he was bent over at the waist, struggling to breathe. And that was the day that Dusty puked in front of my parents, while I got drunk and painted myself green and gold. Welcome to CSU, family. I do have to give him props, because Dusty did rally.
Another great story involves my boy Fancy somehow puncturing his beer so poorly he swallowed some metal during his shotgun and had to force himself to vomit a piece of can up later. He is a special child.
(By the way, if anyone has any good Failgate stories of their own or wishes to remind me of one of my own that I forgot, please leave comments, e-mail or Facebook me)
Game analysis: Somehow SDSU has beaten CSU in blizzards several times in our history, so let's all hope for good weather.
And if we lose, I'm going to walk through my parking garage and break every single car window with a SDSU sticker, and there are a lot. No one wants to see that happen.
I don't know anything else, other than it is now 4:30a.m. and I am down 10 Natty Lights, so god bless and go Rams.
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