I avidly read Mile High Hockey and watch highlights, read Dater's bitter blogs and discuss games with my Fasha. And I am so excited to get back to CO this winter so I can watch this young, exciting team in the flesh (and on TV).
So without further aduex, I will now break down everything I know about the Avalanche, by going through the roster. Hint: I don't know a ton about most of these guys, so I might just make shit up.
Coach, Joe Sacco: His name sounds like Joe Sakic, which makes him really good. He should have won Coach of the Year last season, taking a turrible team that failed miserably under Tony Granato and turning them into a playoff team. I expect much of the same improvement this season (talking point sponsored by Coletastrophie).
He has hooked up with over 300 women in the Denver area who only slept with him because they thought he introduced himself as Joe Sakic.
#4 John-Michael Liles: Johnny is very popular, be it with the ladies that love him or other teams that seem to be interested in him. In fact, one of the few people not in love with him was coach Sacco, who benched JML several times last season. It was assumed his future might reside elsewhere this year, but he is off to a fantastic start this season, picking up a point in almost every game. He is the Avs best offensive threat amongst our defensemen, so losing him would be tough. If he could get a little better at not giving up shorthanded goals I think he will have a lovely season.
On a personal note, Liles has always been my favorite Av since a charity hockey game in Aspen in 2004 during the lockout. I was stationed behind the "Avs"bench for the game and all Johnny Hot Pockets did was make jokes about being hungover and yakking up Jaeger and Vodka. That is the easiest way into my heart.
#6 Jonas Halos: I think he is from Norway. He plays defense. His favorite food is Narwal.
#9 Matt Duchene: Otherwise known as Sakic 2.0. Okay, maybe that is a bit much to heap on the youngster, but for the Avs to be competitive for Stanley Cups in the next 10 years, he will have to be the engine that runs this team. He grew up an Avs fan and he should kill it.
Oh, and last season he just happened to put the Avs in the playoffs last year, as if it was preordained.
He is also just 19 years old.
#10 Kyle Cumiskey: For a long time I though he might be the son of Valerie Kamensky, but no. Still, he is maybe the fastest defensemen in the league. Also one of the smaller D-men. Would love to see the roadrunner score a few more goals and not get shoved around all season.
#11 Philippe Dupius: He plays forward and might be related to the Dupuis that plays for Pittsburgh. Or maybe not. Kinda looks like Zoolander. He once killed a man for spelling his first name with only one P.
#12 Kevin Porter: If he scores more goals than me this season I will consider it a success.
#18 Brandon Yip: Scored the game-winner against Detroit earlier this season. Elicited plenty of clever puns based on his last name (Yip-ee Kaye-Ya Motherfucker is my preferred one). He is of Chinese and Irish heritage, so that makes me want to nickname him "Drunken Master."
#19 Joe Sakic: Because he will always be on my Avs.
#21 Peter Forseberg: Again, not really, but he says he might be coming back again, so let's just keep a spot open.
#22 Scott Hannan: He is very hard to like. He kinda looks like a Hobbit. He was much better at hockey when he was allowed to rape players like Peter Forseberg in the pre-lockout years. Much like an offensive lineman, when he plays well you don't notice him, when he sucks it makes your eyes bleed.
He once shot a hockey puck at a goalie only to have it deflect into the stands killing his own mother. That previous sentence isn't true, but it makes it easier to understand his reluctance to shoot if you make yourself believe it.
#23 Milan Hedjuk: Old Mr. Reliable, he will score about 20 goals and put up over 50 points. With an iffy back and older legs, he won't near his early 2000s 50-goal plateau, but his lovely hands make this old Czech a threat to score on any loose puck. A great veteran to have on this young team. Plus he once got ticketed on Highway 82 outside Carbondale for driving 102mph, which is funny because I never got a speeding ticket and I sped down that road every day of my life.
Nasty Nate says he is due for a big year.
#25 Chris Stewart: He is big, fast, strong, good and nasty. That is the perfect combo for a power forward. He broke out last season and I don't think he is going to slow down. Like Yipper he is also one of the rare NHL players that isn't lily-white, which makes me love him 50% more. He is also just 22 years old.
#26 Paul Statsny: He would be a star if he had a little more sizzle, but Statsny is so silky vanilla that you can often miss out on the fact that he is the best player on the ice. His dad and uncles escaped from Communism to play for the Nordiques, making him another perfect fit to play for the Avs. He has been a stud for about 4 years and is only 24. God this team is young and awesome.
His acting in terrible Altitude commercials makes Keanu Reeves look emotive.
#27 Kyle Quincey: He is big and sometimes plays that way. Other times he plays big and pussy. This inconsistency is troubling. He needs to be solid this season if the Avs plan to take another step.
#28 David Koci: He is good at getting knocked out. David Anderson will outscore him this season. He is the reason people hate hockey.
#31 Peter Budaj: He is like that overweight girl that tantalizes you, that you think could always be super hot if she just got a little more confidence and lost a little weight. That at times almost looks good enough to date, but is much better off as a slumpbuster on nights no one is really paying attention. He is great to have as a back-up for the 10 games a year where Anderson doesn't want/need to play, but he will never be a starting NHL goalie.
#34 Daniel Winnik: A big grinder that we stole from the bankrupt Phoenixes. A good PK guy and a perfect 3rd/4th liner. Put in a couple big goals this year.
#37 Ryan O'Rielly: A second-round pick last year, no one expected him to make the team, but he became one of the Avs top defensive forwards last year. He is also 19. That means he was born in 1991. That is stupid young.
FUN FACT: There are only 13 players on the Avs roster older than me. HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA DIE SOON!
#39 TJ Galliardi: Young, tough, scrappy and exactly the kind of player that you have to have on a good team. Isn't excellent at any one thing, but is good at everything. He is awesome.
#41 Craig Anderson: He is everything to this team. With the number of pucks we let in on net and the open style we play, he needs to keep on playing great hockey or else we are fucked. Might be the best free agent pick-up ever to come to Colorado in any sport.
In one of his rare games on the bench last season he still faced 20 shots even though Budaj was in net. Teams just love shooting at him.
#44 Ryan Wilson: Kind of came from nowhere last year to become one of the biggest hitters in the NHL. Got some concussion problems, so hopefully he can recover because the Avs need his physical presence. He is fucking awesome to watch. And only 22.
# 52 Adam Foote: The old man keeps on keeping on. I don't know how, considering I am faster on skates and I can't even skate backwards, but he knows the angles and has that old man strength that can't be beat. So great having him around to teach our youngins how to play.
He actually doesn't have nose cartilage anymore, it is just Play-Dough and wire stuck up in there.
#54 David Jones: Another big, fast forward. He was having his breakout season last year until injury. If he stays healthy and produces it will be aweome. Plus we can make Davey Jones' Locker jokes. Harf harf.
#55 Cody McCleod: The Highlander is the perfect tough guy who still possesses a modicum of skill. He will fight often, hit people hard and stick up for teammates. One of those crazy, toothless cunts every team needs. Any goals he picks up are a bonus, but he will add about 10.
He east raw octopus every day to remain pissed off at Detroiters.
#88 Peter Mueller: I really don't know if he exists. I never saw him play for the Avs last season, but it seemed that he was involved in every goal for the 3 weeks or so he spent on the roster before gentlemanly Rob Blake concussed him with a dirty shot. He has a soft head, and got another one in the Avs first preseason game.
He is especially great on the power play and his point play is something that the Avs need desperately. When he returns and the Avs will fit him with one of Gazoo's helmets.
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