Thursday, December 9, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Weekend Sack-Up: At least we gots TULO
This was a tough week, all sports considered. Not a lot went right. Or really nothing went right. Until today.
I mean, Thanksgiving was fine and all. Food, family and rest, but it was a bit uneventful. San Diego is a transplant city, and having Thanksgiving along the beaches is only fun if you can taunt people in cold weather cities when you return. And it really hasn't been fun since the weather in SD has been HISTORICALLY LOW (holy shit it is 40 degrees here and I'm freezing, yet I am planning to move home to CO in three weeks. Let's check the weather there: ZERO! FUCK ME I AM SO FUCKING SCREWED).
Besides that, last week started with me witnessing a Bronco beatdown from the nosebleeds of Qualcomm and then progressively got worse, no matter how improbable that seemed.
Join me, as I break down my week of fun:
Broncos vs. Chargers: I have now been to four football games at Qualcomm, and I can say that every one has been a good tailgating experience, yet everyone has been different. This was really my first time tailgating for an NFL game, as every other Broncos game I attended came when I was underage (I have only been to 4 Broncos games in my life, shockingly), but it wasn't near as fun as college tailgating.
Maybe because it was in enemy territory or because I was with my parents, but the overall attitude surrounding NFL games always feels way too serious for me. People either seem jaded because they have season tickets and get to go to every game, or they are trying too hard to make the game "an event" because they spent half of little Johnny's college fund just to afford tickets once a year. Whatever the case, I would much rather shotgun beers in the dirt at Hughes than deal with the corporate whitewash that is an NFL tailgate. Even the crazed Broncos fans that my family tailgated with seemed forced, be it their custom license plates hung around necks or the fact that they were Mexicans who claimed they became fans just because they "hated the Raiders."
Monday Night Football is a huge production and fun to see, but the constant commercials and interruptions make the game stretch on forever. This fact, plus alcohol, a lack of quality distractions from the Chargers entertainment (and the lack of Denver competitiveness on the field) and the dickhead nature of Southern California people created a very explosive combination. After the Broncos opening scoring drive, the only fight showed by Denver was by orange clad fans in the crowd. I saw at least 20 intense shouting/shoving matches breakout between Broncos and Chargers fans, and at least 5 major fights. Good times.
Both sides were at fault, but I don't see this kinda behavior at Mile High games (excluding CU-CSU, but I've never been to a Broncos-Raiders game either). One reason is that Broncos home games are almost all Denver fans and at least 15K in Qualcomm were Broncomaniacs, but another big factor is the fact that San Diego fans are lower class than Denver fans (don't read this incorrectly, as Broncos fans in San Diego are a different class of fans than Broncos fans in Denver).
Overall it was a fun family night, but I won't be going back. The NFL is just too expensive for my blood.
Spygate & St. Louis Loss: The Spygate II issue just seals it for me that Josh McDaniels needs to go. Losing to St. Louis just double-stamps it.
The only way he can save his job, in my mind, is by winning out while also getting Tim Tebow quality playing time. Otherwise, what the fuck is the point? He has embarrassed us on and off the field enough. For every positive (6-0 start last year, Brandon Lloyd's explosiveness) there are gigantic disapointments (5-16 since, Peyton Hillis' success, trading 1st Round picks for nothing) that just kill us.
We have some talented offensive pieces, hire Bill Cowher (or a good defensive coach), a Offensive Coordinator that won't change a personnel too much and bring in some defensive beef. That should have been the plan 2 years ago.
College Football: Welcome back to the WAC! The good news is that CSU should have an easy path to be the 2nd best team in the MWC by 2012, the bad news is that Utah, BYU and TCU had to leave in order to make this possible.
All this conference realignment had to happen now, when CSU is ass, not back in the 1990s. You know, when CSU football kicked ass, both basketball programs were postseason threats and volleyball was nationally ranked (at least this last point is still accurate). It fucking blows, but it also shows you how quickly everything can change. Let's see how happy the Big East is with TCU in 5 years if Gary Patterson bails or dies or something. They bring nothing else to the table and have no tradition of sustained success.
It is so nice to see years of conference tradition and rivalries tossed aside for a shot at a little more money. Dear NCAA, quit fighting kids over Golf Kart rides and start regulating fairness in awarding championships so there isn't conference anarchy.
CSU Basketball: Will not go undefeated after losing to Sam Houston St. Which sucks, because they need to win those sort of games. Fortunately, there are about 30 more games to right the ship.
Nuggets: Melo drops a game-winner. Yawn. Sits out next game with illness. Yawn. Wake me when we trade him for Derrick Favors or someone.
Sidenote: On the most recent BS Report Marc Stein theorized that Melo could somehow go to Dallas and the Mavs could include DeShawn Steveson. My dream could come true, as I would gladly pay for a D-Steve Nuggs jersey. It would be my proudest possession (and he happens to be shooting 50% from 3-point range this season...FLAMETHROWER).
I just creamed my panties.
Avsalanches: Lost two shitty division games in a row, then rebounded with a curb stomping of Minnesota. Sadly, Chris Stewart is so brutal and hits so hard that he broke his hand on some clowns head whilst beating him like Andre Johnson beats Cortland Finnegan. This is bad. 4-6 weeks sans Stewie sucks. The Avs have too many injuries as is, this could hamstring them severely. Thank God we have another member of the Black Ice Brotherhood, Greg Mauldin, to hold down the gangsterness.
Liverpool: Fernando made hash of two chances and Liverpool choked away a game vs. Spurs. A W would have pulled us within striking range of the Champions League. PIIISSSS!
At least Clint Dempsey grabbed another goal.
Rockies: Finally, the only good news of the last week, as the Rockies will now have Triple T (Troy Trevor Tulowitzki) until 2020.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MULLLLLLLETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Imma buy me one of these as well.
I mean, Thanksgiving was fine and all. Food, family and rest, but it was a bit uneventful. San Diego is a transplant city, and having Thanksgiving along the beaches is only fun if you can taunt people in cold weather cities when you return. And it really hasn't been fun since the weather in SD has been HISTORICALLY LOW (holy shit it is 40 degrees here and I'm freezing, yet I am planning to move home to CO in three weeks. Let's check the weather there: ZERO! FUCK ME I AM SO FUCKING SCREWED).
Besides that, last week started with me witnessing a Bronco beatdown from the nosebleeds of Qualcomm and then progressively got worse, no matter how improbable that seemed.
Join me, as I break down my week of fun:
Broncos vs. Chargers: I have now been to four football games at Qualcomm, and I can say that every one has been a good tailgating experience, yet everyone has been different. This was really my first time tailgating for an NFL game, as every other Broncos game I attended came when I was underage (I have only been to 4 Broncos games in my life, shockingly), but it wasn't near as fun as college tailgating.
Maybe because it was in enemy territory or because I was with my parents, but the overall attitude surrounding NFL games always feels way too serious for me. People either seem jaded because they have season tickets and get to go to every game, or they are trying too hard to make the game "an event" because they spent half of little Johnny's college fund just to afford tickets once a year. Whatever the case, I would much rather shotgun beers in the dirt at Hughes than deal with the corporate whitewash that is an NFL tailgate. Even the crazed Broncos fans that my family tailgated with seemed forced, be it their custom license plates hung around necks or the fact that they were Mexicans who claimed they became fans just because they "hated the Raiders."
Monday Night Football is a huge production and fun to see, but the constant commercials and interruptions make the game stretch on forever. This fact, plus alcohol, a lack of quality distractions from the Chargers entertainment (and the lack of Denver competitiveness on the field) and the dickhead nature of Southern California people created a very explosive combination. After the Broncos opening scoring drive, the only fight showed by Denver was by orange clad fans in the crowd. I saw at least 20 intense shouting/shoving matches breakout between Broncos and Chargers fans, and at least 5 major fights. Good times.
Both sides were at fault, but I don't see this kinda behavior at Mile High games (excluding CU-CSU, but I've never been to a Broncos-Raiders game either). One reason is that Broncos home games are almost all Denver fans and at least 15K in Qualcomm were Broncomaniacs, but another big factor is the fact that San Diego fans are lower class than Denver fans (don't read this incorrectly, as Broncos fans in San Diego are a different class of fans than Broncos fans in Denver).
Overall it was a fun family night, but I won't be going back. The NFL is just too expensive for my blood.
Spygate & St. Louis Loss: The Spygate II issue just seals it for me that Josh McDaniels needs to go. Losing to St. Louis just double-stamps it.
The only way he can save his job, in my mind, is by winning out while also getting Tim Tebow quality playing time. Otherwise, what the fuck is the point? He has embarrassed us on and off the field enough. For every positive (6-0 start last year, Brandon Lloyd's explosiveness) there are gigantic disapointments (5-16 since, Peyton Hillis' success, trading 1st Round picks for nothing) that just kill us.
We have some talented offensive pieces, hire Bill Cowher (or a good defensive coach), a Offensive Coordinator that won't change a personnel too much and bring in some defensive beef. That should have been the plan 2 years ago.
College Football: Welcome back to the WAC! The good news is that CSU should have an easy path to be the 2nd best team in the MWC by 2012, the bad news is that Utah, BYU and TCU had to leave in order to make this possible.
All this conference realignment had to happen now, when CSU is ass, not back in the 1990s. You know, when CSU football kicked ass, both basketball programs were postseason threats and volleyball was nationally ranked (at least this last point is still accurate). It fucking blows, but it also shows you how quickly everything can change. Let's see how happy the Big East is with TCU in 5 years if Gary Patterson bails or dies or something. They bring nothing else to the table and have no tradition of sustained success.
It is so nice to see years of conference tradition and rivalries tossed aside for a shot at a little more money. Dear NCAA, quit fighting kids over Golf Kart rides and start regulating fairness in awarding championships so there isn't conference anarchy.
CSU Basketball: Will not go undefeated after losing to Sam Houston St. Which sucks, because they need to win those sort of games. Fortunately, there are about 30 more games to right the ship.
Nuggets: Melo drops a game-winner. Yawn. Sits out next game with illness. Yawn. Wake me when we trade him for Derrick Favors or someone.
Sidenote: On the most recent BS Report Marc Stein theorized that Melo could somehow go to Dallas and the Mavs could include DeShawn Steveson. My dream could come true, as I would gladly pay for a D-Steve Nuggs jersey. It would be my proudest possession (and he happens to be shooting 50% from 3-point range this season...FLAMETHROWER).
I just creamed my panties.
Avsalanches: Lost two shitty division games in a row, then rebounded with a curb stomping of Minnesota. Sadly, Chris Stewart is so brutal and hits so hard that he broke his hand on some clowns head whilst beating him like Andre Johnson beats Cortland Finnegan. This is bad. 4-6 weeks sans Stewie sucks. The Avs have too many injuries as is, this could hamstring them severely. Thank God we have another member of the Black Ice Brotherhood, Greg Mauldin, to hold down the gangsterness.
Liverpool: Fernando made hash of two chances and Liverpool choked away a game vs. Spurs. A W would have pulled us within striking range of the Champions League. PIIISSSS!
At least Clint Dempsey grabbed another goal.
Rockies: Finally, the only good news of the last week, as the Rockies will now have Triple T (Troy Trevor Tulowitzki) until 2020.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MULLLLLLLETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Imma buy me one of these as well.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Sports: I Give Thanks( Vol. 2)
It is Thanksgiving, so you are likely getting fat, drunk and happy while watching shitty football games. If you are a little bored and fighting the itis, grab a chair real quick and delve into the reasons why I am thankful for sports.
(After the jump)
(After the jump)
Monday, November 22, 2010
Weekend Sack-Up/Pregaming Analysis: Monday Night Football
First off, I am very conflicted about the Rapids winning the MLS Cup. On one hand, I love to see championships come to Colorado of any kind and I hope that this is the beginning of a run of Colorado sports success (the first title of any kind I remember won by a Colorado team was by the Denver Grizzlies of the AHL, and within 5 years of that CO had a Stanley Cup, two Super Bowls, the Nuggets with a huge upset of Seattle and the young Rocks going to the playoffs).
On the other hand, I am wondering if this is added punishment to the Colorado sports fan. It seems everything that can go wrong for my sports teams has in the last few years and this is the sports Gods way of punishing me, by giving a title to the one Colorado team I really couldn't give a shit about.
Oh well, in the grand scheme of things, the Rapids winning a title is on par with my high school soccer team (the fighting Roaring Fork Beaners) winning our league championship and qualifying for state. Pretty awesome if I was on the team, but generally a big MEH.
Colorado State Football: We are so bad. So, so, so bad. If Larry Kerr has a job next month I will be shocked. I don't care if we have paraplegics in our secondary and midgets on the d-line, no team should give up 44 points to Wyoming.
Coach Fair needs to step up and find a new D-Coordinator stat, and then he needs to figure out a way to win at least 7 games next season and only lose 2 by more than 20 points (Boise and TCU are acceptable) or else CSU should find a new coach.
Because I have never been more embarrassed to be a CSU fan. Sadly I have felt that way about 5 times this season.
Colorado State Basketball: Is off to a good start, with a good road win over DU, and the saving grace. Timmy Miles is proving that sometimes rebuilding takes a little more time than expected, as his first two seasons were awful and now, finally in his 4th year, the Rams are primed to compete with the top teams in the MWC.
The problem is that the top teams in the MWC are really fucking good. BYU has JIMMER! New Mexico is loaded with talented headcases. UNLV knocked off a very talented Wisconsin team on Saturday. SDSU should be a top-15 team, especially after their huge win at Gonzaga last week.
It won't be easy, but the goal for Miles will be for the Rams to sneak passed one of those teams. So far, I am pretty sure Miles has won just 1 games against those four teams in 26 attempts (a lot of narrow losses mixed in there, but this team needs to learn to close out against good teams).
I have faith that Miles will get it done this season.
Rockies: They seem content to lose Jorge De La Rosa and replace him with basically nothing. And they think they will improve. Looks like another season of hoping Stewie, Iannetta, Dex, Seth Smith and EY2 step up. As we learned from last season, this doesn't always work.
We need to add one more big bat to the lineup, and if AZ is foolish enough to part with Justin Upton let's take him off their hands.
Nuggs: Are who we thought they were. Maybe just good enough to sneak into the playoffs and get slaughtered by the Lake Show.
Avs: Killing it in the last week and now with a healthy Craig Anderson. There is hope for one Colorado sports franchise.
Broncos: There is not a lot of hope for this bunch of fuckos, but I am hoping they realize that the rest of the season is basically must-win.
Tomorrow's game will take place in my backyard and I will be there with family in tow. I just hope they keep it marginally close and don't make me cry. These tickets cost like $90 bucks a pop and this is my first Monday Night game ever, I would like to remember it fondly, not have to drink until I can't remember shit.
Compared to my CSU/SDSU party bus extravaganza, I expect to be a little more mild-mannered tomorrow. Mostly because I will be in the fucking nosebleeds, where I don't believe anyone will be able to hear me yell. Which takes away about %100 of the enjoyment of heckling.
I know that when I am at a CSU game that players and refs can hear me yelling, because I am leaning over the front rail, dangling perilously close to falling onto the field and pissing off ushers. But at an NFL game (or other game when I let someone else purchase seats) I just feel too uninvolved. I know that as a fan my impact is minimal, but I want to be under the illusion that my anger and wit can maybe have an impact.
Still, that won't stop me from claiming a vital role in the Broncos playoff run if WE pull of the W tomorrow.
But if we lose I am placing all of the blame on Josh McDaniels.
On the other hand, I am wondering if this is added punishment to the Colorado sports fan. It seems everything that can go wrong for my sports teams has in the last few years and this is the sports Gods way of punishing me, by giving a title to the one Colorado team I really couldn't give a shit about.
Oh well, in the grand scheme of things, the Rapids winning a title is on par with my high school soccer team (the fighting Roaring Fork Beaners) winning our league championship and qualifying for state. Pretty awesome if I was on the team, but generally a big MEH.
Colorado State Football: We are so bad. So, so, so bad. If Larry Kerr has a job next month I will be shocked. I don't care if we have paraplegics in our secondary and midgets on the d-line, no team should give up 44 points to Wyoming.
Coach Fair needs to step up and find a new D-Coordinator stat, and then he needs to figure out a way to win at least 7 games next season and only lose 2 by more than 20 points (Boise and TCU are acceptable) or else CSU should find a new coach.
Because I have never been more embarrassed to be a CSU fan. Sadly I have felt that way about 5 times this season.
Colorado State Basketball: Is off to a good start, with a good road win over DU, and the saving grace. Timmy Miles is proving that sometimes rebuilding takes a little more time than expected, as his first two seasons were awful and now, finally in his 4th year, the Rams are primed to compete with the top teams in the MWC.
The problem is that the top teams in the MWC are really fucking good. BYU has JIMMER! New Mexico is loaded with talented headcases. UNLV knocked off a very talented Wisconsin team on Saturday. SDSU should be a top-15 team, especially after their huge win at Gonzaga last week.
It won't be easy, but the goal for Miles will be for the Rams to sneak passed one of those teams. So far, I am pretty sure Miles has won just 1 games against those four teams in 26 attempts (a lot of narrow losses mixed in there, but this team needs to learn to close out against good teams).
I have faith that Miles will get it done this season.
Rockies: They seem content to lose Jorge De La Rosa and replace him with basically nothing. And they think they will improve. Looks like another season of hoping Stewie, Iannetta, Dex, Seth Smith and EY2 step up. As we learned from last season, this doesn't always work.
We need to add one more big bat to the lineup, and if AZ is foolish enough to part with Justin Upton let's take him off their hands.
Nuggs: Are who we thought they were. Maybe just good enough to sneak into the playoffs and get slaughtered by the Lake Show.
Avs: Killing it in the last week and now with a healthy Craig Anderson. There is hope for one Colorado sports franchise.
Broncos: There is not a lot of hope for this bunch of fuckos, but I am hoping they realize that the rest of the season is basically must-win.
Tomorrow's game will take place in my backyard and I will be there with family in tow. I just hope they keep it marginally close and don't make me cry. These tickets cost like $90 bucks a pop and this is my first Monday Night game ever, I would like to remember it fondly, not have to drink until I can't remember shit.
Compared to my CSU/SDSU party bus extravaganza, I expect to be a little more mild-mannered tomorrow. Mostly because I will be in the fucking nosebleeds, where I don't believe anyone will be able to hear me yell. Which takes away about %100 of the enjoyment of heckling.
I know that when I am at a CSU game that players and refs can hear me yelling, because I am leaning over the front rail, dangling perilously close to falling onto the field and pissing off ushers. But at an NFL game (or other game when I let someone else purchase seats) I just feel too uninvolved. I know that as a fan my impact is minimal, but I want to be under the illusion that my anger and wit can maybe have an impact.
Still, that won't stop me from claiming a vital role in the Broncos playoff run if WE pull of the W tomorrow.
But if we lose I am placing all of the blame on Josh McDaniels.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Sack's Hall of Hate: Jamie Carroll Wing
I have been pondering creating my Hall of Hate, a collection of all those athletes/media personalities/people to honor? who piss me off to no end, but I just couldn't find the correct way to intro it.
But today, November 18, 2010, something magical happened in the world...Clint Barmes, formerly known here as [name redacted] or [worst fucking player ever] or [Samurai-pose popout to shallow right field], was traded to the Houston Astros for someone named Felipe Paulino. I don't know a thing about Felipe Paulino except that the Astros think he sucks and he has a 5.7 something ERA, but he has vaulted into a spot as one of my favorite Rockies of all-time thanks to being the man who vanquished Barmes.
Freed of all my Barmes-angst, I am now extremely excited about this upcoming Rockies season, even if we don't add another player (though I would love Justin Upton to come play in Coors. An outfield of him, Cargo and Dex would track down errrathing and steal 120 bases) I feel better about this Rockies team all ready.
But more on that later, now, we must begin our tour of the Jamie Carroll Wing of Sack's Hall of Hate. Located on the corner of Ciccerelli and Schottenheimer, the Hall of Hate was built in the late 1980s when a young Sack cried while watching the Broncos lose...to anyone. Young Sack didn't handle losses well and therefore started hating anyone who dared ruin the perfection that was Elway. As this hate evolved, it began to spread a number of different ways. We have seen glimpses of this hate on this blog (Raiders, Chargers, Buffs, etc.) of entire teams and fan bases, but I also posses a lot of self hatred (why must that one layer of fat persist in blocking my Situation? Oh, we were talking sports).
Which leads us to the Jamie Carroll wing of the HoH:
How can I hate players on my own team, you might ask? Well, watch Manny Corpes pitch 100 times following the 2007 season, or see Dre Bly get burned for a 12-yard completion on 3-and-11, 40 times and suddenly you learn to despise these players. I don't really hate these people as human beings* (except Jamie Carroll) as I haven't met most of them (and the ones I have met have been delightful) but as soon as they pop up on my TV screen I want to stab them. So, without further adieu, we begin.
(Going from team I love most, to team I love least. Like ranking favorite children, not an easy task, but an important and necessary list to make)
Bobby Vomhoff Plaza, Colorado State football and basketball:
Named for *Bob Vomhoff, the biggest asshole I have ever met. Stupid, ugly and a woman beater. This is not based on an arrest or allegation, but by the fact that I have personally seen him hit two women in my lifetime and heard of several other first-hand accounts from people I know and trust.
-Marcus Houston: The Utah fumble and getting stopped at the 1 vs. CU in 2005 cost us two games, and without those two losses Sonny stays as coach and CSU is still baller. I blame it all on his former-CU attending ass (not the fact that Sonny's assistant were ass for his last 7 years).
-Dale Layer: Great recruiter, shitty coach and kind of a dick to me as a first year journalist. Then again, he knew he was gonna get canned and was trying to do whatever to save his job, so blaming the media probably didn't hurt.
On notice: TJ Borky (catch the ball, young man).
Clint Barmes Mezzanine, Colorado Rockies:
The entire wing of the HoH is named for another failed Rockies 2B, Jamie Carroll, who is basically a smaller, shittier version of Barmes. Everyone loved both players because they were "scrappy, small and hard-working." Codewords for shitty, shittier and white, respectively. They were drains on the Rockies lineup, just so awful but loved by Rockies fans for no reason other than the fact that they were white, hit .240 and "hustled." I would rather have a lacksidasical, uppity EY Jr hit .230 and posses game-changing speed than ever see another one of these guys get another PA for Colorado.
Barmes was electric as a rookie, then he hurt himself riding ATVs and lied. He was a .300 batter pre-injury, but that was before everyone realized he was a dead pull hitter. In his entire Rockies career he hit like 2 balls hard to the opposite field, one of them last season which shocked the shit out of everyone in the stadium to such a degree it went for an inside the park homer. Did he realize this and adjust? Nope, not Clint. Like the goddamn younger brother in Signs, swing hard and hope you hit something. You know what, Barmes' batting results were very similar to that movie; effective at first, shitty as hell on any repeated viewing.
Career highlight: His 0-14 with an error performance last year vs. Philly in the NLDS. It cost him his name.
Carroll sucked on the Rockies during some of their worst seasons when he started, then ended up getting benched in 2007. Coincidentally, that year the Rockies went to the World Series (not a coincidence). I was a strident hatred that whole season, and when he came up during game 163 vs. San Diego with Holliday on 3rd, I was sure he would fail. I promised never to say another negative word about him as long as I lived if he came through. He barely did, with the weakest sac fly in history.
I kept my promise for about 3 months, even inserting his shitty ass into the lineup during videogames, until he bailed on the Rocks to play for the goddamn Indians, the shitty franchise that choked away the ALCS to roided up Boston forcing the Rocks into that long ass layoff before the World Series (getting more and more bitter every year about Colorado getting hosed in that World Series). Once he left the Rocks, I decided to go back to hating him.
And man does it feel nice.
-Mike Hampton and Denny Neagle: You guys really sucked. Ruined summer for like 10 years.
-Brett Saberhagen: I am distantly related to you and you also stole tons of money and never did shit. Way to let down the family.
-Pretty much every Rockies pitcher from 1995-2007 save Pedro Astacio, Kevin Ritz and Curtis Leskanic: You were all pretty bad.
-Mike Lansing: The one position player in history to post worse numbers after moving to Coors Field. That level of suckitude isn't possible to grasp.
-Brian Fuentes: Made ever save a goddamn adventure and single-handedly took 10 years off my life. San Francisco, enjoy this title and Brian Wilson's dumb antics while you can, because he is just a funnier, luckier Brian Fuentes. Next year is gonna be bad for him.
On notice: Chris Iannetta. Yorvit (if he comes back, but his September clutchness and my drunken convo with him won me over. For now).
Brad May Hallway, Colorado Avalanche:
Named for the dickbag captain of the Canucks who helped spearhead the Burtuzzi-Moore paralyzing. Later signed to the Avs, which was the post-lockout moment where Avs management threw battery acid in the gaping wounds of their fans (and now they wonder why Colorado is hesitant to embrace them again? Derrr!).
-Eric Lacroix: Pierre's son, who sucked and pissed off everyone in the Avs organization. Maybe cost the Avs a couple titles in the late 90s.
-Tyler Arnason: If he was playing Edmonton only, he would have been the best player in the world. Sadly, the Avs only play Edmonton 8 times or so. When not playing the Oil, he was about as effective as me. He now sucks in Russia or something.
Dre Bly Room, Denver Broncos:
Named after the shitty cornerback who couldn't cover anyone and was somehow worse at tackling. Like Deion Sanders, minus the skill and speed. Every cornerback will look bad opposite Champ, getting tested all game, but Dre was fucking terrible. He was the straw that broke Shanny's back, ushering in this confusing, shitty Broncos team that torments me.
-Tim Tebow: Not him, but the media coverage of him and his Jesus Powers makes me ill.
-Bill Romanowski: Spit in people's faces, took cheapshots, took drugs, pissed of Shannon Sharpe and was overrated. Only linebacker anyone remembers from Super Bowl years, even though John Mobley and Glenn Cadrez were way more important.
Then he played for the Raiders. Douche.
Brian Griese: Gave him so many chances to win me over and he just kept fucking it up.
-Tyrone Braxton: Because he wore Sports Specs. Man I hated anyone who wore those. Get contacts, asshole. And stop doing yayo and angel dust.
-Ashley Lelie: I loved him so much at Hawaii and expected so much. Instead, he was a big pussy. A PIF: Pass Intended For.
-John Lynch: Was so overrated during his time in Denver. He was like having a fourth linebacker that was old and slow. Except he played safety. But Denver fans sure loved to have a whiteboy out there.
On notice: Knowshon (stay healthy, young man).
TBD Amphitheater, Denver Nuggets:
This area of the HoH is currently under construction and the bidding for the naming rights is intense. Melo is currently the frontrunner, but pretty much every Nugget in the last 7 years is also pissing me the fuck off (except Bird, Afflalo, Lawson and the unnamed scrubs). Francisco Elson had his name on the old version, but this room will be so large I'm not sure he is a marquee enough name.
Melo: If he leaves, especially via free agency and fucks us, he wins this honor. I have never been done this dirty in my life.
Then again, if you go through this list of shitty players Melo has had as teammates, I kind of understand his desire to flee.
-Elson: So, so bad at basketball. Somehow had career highs in points and rebounds in both games in which I watched him live in the Pepsi Center.
-Yakouba Diawara: Three-a-wara bricked so many shots the Nuggets had to hire extra people to maintain the baskets.
-Marcus Camby: What good is a 20-foot jumper from a 6-11 center? None. For all his blocks and rebounds that build his defensive POY rep, Camby always left his man wide open to make the glamor block and never crashed the offensive boards.
-Nene: Last year I was on the other side of Trev on this arguement, but now Nene has pissed me off as well. Play tough, not like the area Brazilians wax (pussy, get it?).
-Edward Najera: Shitty, too small to match up, hustler, lighter than most players. Check, check, check, checkaroo. Eddy was a fan favorite solely because he wasn't black and he appeared to be trying really hard. Which he was. He tried really hard and still looked really shitty. That is a problem, not something to applaud.
-Dermarr Johnson: A great story to make it back to the NBA after basically dying in a car crash. Too bad he didn't understand how to play basketball ever. Oh, Cincinnati, why are all your players so dumb?
-K-Mart: Greg Oden Sr., except more expensive.
Anthony Carter: The Human Turnover plays like he drives. Fast and drunk. That isn't a good combo.
JR Smith: Also plays like he drives. Uhh, too soon?
Vashon Leonard and Dale Ellis: Two 3-point specialist who never seemed to make a clutch 3.
On notice: Chauncey (step up and lead this team, old man. And if someone argues, slap them. Don't be acting like a CU bitch, step up and get this team in line.)
*Exception that proves the rule. This guy really is the biggest asshole to step foot on Earth.
But today, November 18, 2010, something magical happened in the world...Clint Barmes, formerly known here as [name redacted] or [worst fucking player ever] or [Samurai-pose popout to shallow right field], was traded to the Houston Astros for someone named Felipe Paulino. I don't know a thing about Felipe Paulino except that the Astros think he sucks and he has a 5.7 something ERA, but he has vaulted into a spot as one of my favorite Rockies of all-time thanks to being the man who vanquished Barmes.
Every time Clint Barmes pops out to shallow right
someone gets AIDS. Which is why there is so much AIDS in the world.
Freed of all my Barmes-angst, I am now extremely excited about this upcoming Rockies season, even if we don't add another player (though I would love Justin Upton to come play in Coors. An outfield of him, Cargo and Dex would track down errrathing and steal 120 bases) I feel better about this Rockies team all ready.
But more on that later, now, we must begin our tour of the Jamie Carroll Wing of Sack's Hall of Hate. Located on the corner of Ciccerelli and Schottenheimer, the Hall of Hate was built in the late 1980s when a young Sack cried while watching the Broncos lose...to anyone. Young Sack didn't handle losses well and therefore started hating anyone who dared ruin the perfection that was Elway. As this hate evolved, it began to spread a number of different ways. We have seen glimpses of this hate on this blog (Raiders, Chargers, Buffs, etc.) of entire teams and fan bases, but I also posses a lot of self hatred (why must that one layer of fat persist in blocking my Situation? Oh, we were talking sports).
Which leads us to the Jamie Carroll wing of the HoH:
How can I hate players on my own team, you might ask? Well, watch Manny Corpes pitch 100 times following the 2007 season, or see Dre Bly get burned for a 12-yard completion on 3-and-11, 40 times and suddenly you learn to despise these players. I don't really hate these people as human beings* (except Jamie Carroll) as I haven't met most of them (and the ones I have met have been delightful) but as soon as they pop up on my TV screen I want to stab them. So, without further adieu, we begin.
(Going from team I love most, to team I love least. Like ranking favorite children, not an easy task, but an important and necessary list to make)
Bobby Vomhoff Plaza, Colorado State football and basketball:
Named for *Bob Vomhoff, the biggest asshole I have ever met. Stupid, ugly and a woman beater. This is not based on an arrest or allegation, but by the fact that I have personally seen him hit two women in my lifetime and heard of several other first-hand accounts from people I know and trust.
Hije ya wife, hije ya kids!
-Marcus Houston: The Utah fumble and getting stopped at the 1 vs. CU in 2005 cost us two games, and without those two losses Sonny stays as coach and CSU is still baller. I blame it all on his former-CU attending ass (not the fact that Sonny's assistant were ass for his last 7 years).
-Dale Layer: Great recruiter, shitty coach and kind of a dick to me as a first year journalist. Then again, he knew he was gonna get canned and was trying to do whatever to save his job, so blaming the media probably didn't hurt.
On notice: TJ Borky (catch the ball, young man).
Clint Barmes Mezzanine, Colorado Rockies:
The entire wing of the HoH is named for another failed Rockies 2B, Jamie Carroll, who is basically a smaller, shittier version of Barmes. Everyone loved both players because they were "scrappy, small and hard-working." Codewords for shitty, shittier and white, respectively. They were drains on the Rockies lineup, just so awful but loved by Rockies fans for no reason other than the fact that they were white, hit .240 and "hustled." I would rather have a lacksidasical, uppity EY Jr hit .230 and posses game-changing speed than ever see another one of these guys get another PA for Colorado.
Barmes was electric as a rookie, then he hurt himself riding ATVs and lied. He was a .300 batter pre-injury, but that was before everyone realized he was a dead pull hitter. In his entire Rockies career he hit like 2 balls hard to the opposite field, one of them last season which shocked the shit out of everyone in the stadium to such a degree it went for an inside the park homer. Did he realize this and adjust? Nope, not Clint. Like the goddamn younger brother in Signs, swing hard and hope you hit something. You know what, Barmes' batting results were very similar to that movie; effective at first, shitty as hell on any repeated viewing.
Career highlight: His 0-14 with an error performance last year vs. Philly in the NLDS. It cost him his name.
"Fuck Jamie Carroll. Everyone loves Jamie Carroll because he is small and he sucks."
-Me, to Trophy Wife's parents after they gushed over him for about 5 minutes. September 2007
Carroll sucked on the Rockies during some of their worst seasons when he started, then ended up getting benched in 2007. Coincidentally, that year the Rockies went to the World Series (not a coincidence). I was a strident hatred that whole season, and when he came up during game 163 vs. San Diego with Holliday on 3rd, I was sure he would fail. I promised never to say another negative word about him as long as I lived if he came through. He barely did, with the weakest sac fly in history.
I kept my promise for about 3 months, even inserting his shitty ass into the lineup during videogames, until he bailed on the Rocks to play for the goddamn Indians, the shitty franchise that choked away the ALCS to roided up Boston forcing the Rocks into that long ass layoff before the World Series (getting more and more bitter every year about Colorado getting hosed in that World Series). Once he left the Rocks, I decided to go back to hating him.
And man does it feel nice.
-Mike Hampton and Denny Neagle: You guys really sucked. Ruined summer for like 10 years.
-Brett Saberhagen: I am distantly related to you and you also stole tons of money and never did shit. Way to let down the family.
-Pretty much every Rockies pitcher from 1995-2007 save Pedro Astacio, Kevin Ritz and Curtis Leskanic: You were all pretty bad.
-Mike Lansing: The one position player in history to post worse numbers after moving to Coors Field. That level of suckitude isn't possible to grasp.
-Brian Fuentes: Made ever save a goddamn adventure and single-handedly took 10 years off my life. San Francisco, enjoy this title and Brian Wilson's dumb antics while you can, because he is just a funnier, luckier Brian Fuentes. Next year is gonna be bad for him.
On notice: Chris Iannetta. Yorvit (if he comes back, but his September clutchness and my drunken convo with him won me over. For now).
Brad May Hallway, Colorado Avalanche:
Named for the dickbag captain of the Canucks who helped spearhead the Burtuzzi-Moore paralyzing. Later signed to the Avs, which was the post-lockout moment where Avs management threw battery acid in the gaping wounds of their fans (and now they wonder why Colorado is hesitant to embrace them again? Derrr!).
-Eric Lacroix: Pierre's son, who sucked and pissed off everyone in the Avs organization. Maybe cost the Avs a couple titles in the late 90s.
-Tyler Arnason: If he was playing Edmonton only, he would have been the best player in the world. Sadly, the Avs only play Edmonton 8 times or so. When not playing the Oil, he was about as effective as me. He now sucks in Russia or something.
Dre Bly Room, Denver Broncos:
Named after the shitty cornerback who couldn't cover anyone and was somehow worse at tackling. Like Deion Sanders, minus the skill and speed. Every cornerback will look bad opposite Champ, getting tested all game, but Dre was fucking terrible. He was the straw that broke Shanny's back, ushering in this confusing, shitty Broncos team that torments me.
-Tim Tebow: Not him, but the media coverage of him and his Jesus Powers makes me ill.
-Bill Romanowski: Spit in people's faces, took cheapshots, took drugs, pissed of Shannon Sharpe and was overrated. Only linebacker anyone remembers from Super Bowl years, even though John Mobley and Glenn Cadrez were way more important.
Then he played for the Raiders. Douche.
Brian Griese: Gave him so many chances to win me over and he just kept fucking it up.
-Tyrone Braxton: Because he wore Sports Specs. Man I hated anyone who wore those. Get contacts, asshole. And stop doing yayo and angel dust.
-Ashley Lelie: I loved him so much at Hawaii and expected so much. Instead, he was a big pussy. A PIF: Pass Intended For.
-John Lynch: Was so overrated during his time in Denver. He was like having a fourth linebacker that was old and slow. Except he played safety. But Denver fans sure loved to have a whiteboy out there.
On notice: Knowshon (stay healthy, young man).
TBD Amphitheater, Denver Nuggets:
This area of the HoH is currently under construction and the bidding for the naming rights is intense. Melo is currently the frontrunner, but pretty much every Nugget in the last 7 years is also pissing me the fuck off (except Bird, Afflalo, Lawson and the unnamed scrubs). Francisco Elson had his name on the old version, but this room will be so large I'm not sure he is a marquee enough name.
Melo: If he leaves, especially via free agency and fucks us, he wins this honor. I have never been done this dirty in my life.
Then again, if you go through this list of shitty players Melo has had as teammates, I kind of understand his desire to flee.
-Elson: So, so bad at basketball. Somehow had career highs in points and rebounds in both games in which I watched him live in the Pepsi Center.
-Yakouba Diawara: Three-a-wara bricked so many shots the Nuggets had to hire extra people to maintain the baskets.
-Marcus Camby: What good is a 20-foot jumper from a 6-11 center? None. For all his blocks and rebounds that build his defensive POY rep, Camby always left his man wide open to make the glamor block and never crashed the offensive boards.
-Nene: Last year I was on the other side of Trev on this arguement, but now Nene has pissed me off as well. Play tough, not like the area Brazilians wax (pussy, get it?).
-Edward Najera: Shitty, too small to match up, hustler, lighter than most players. Check, check, check, checkaroo. Eddy was a fan favorite solely because he wasn't black and he appeared to be trying really hard. Which he was. He tried really hard and still looked really shitty. That is a problem, not something to applaud.
-Dermarr Johnson: A great story to make it back to the NBA after basically dying in a car crash. Too bad he didn't understand how to play basketball ever. Oh, Cincinnati, why are all your players so dumb?
-K-Mart: Greg Oden Sr., except more expensive.
Anthony Carter: The Human Turnover plays like he drives. Fast and drunk. That isn't a good combo.
JR Smith: Also plays like he drives. Uhh, too soon?
Vashon Leonard and Dale Ellis: Two 3-point specialist who never seemed to make a clutch 3.
On notice: Chauncey (step up and lead this team, old man. And if someone argues, slap them. Don't be acting like a CU bitch, step up and get this team in line.)
*Exception that proves the rule. This guy really is the biggest asshole to step foot on Earth.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Weekend Sack-Up: I Know I Was Sleep Deprived But This Is Rediculous
From Thursday at noon until Saturday afternoon I worked for about 40 out of a possible 53 hours, so I wasn't able to catch almost any of this weekend's games. I'm sorry. I was setting up a 5,000+ person Mud Run, an event so poorly organized it made George Bush and Brownie's Hurricane Katrina evacuation look like it was performed with Blitzkrieg efficiency.
I was charged with setting up all the signs to keep people on track for a 5k run that winds through the corrals of a giant horse track featuring obstacles ranging from Moto X kickers to mud puddles 100 yards long. Which is tough enough in itself, but this job was made tougher by the fact that the course kept changing on the whims of the designer and that none of the infrastructure was in place to hang the signs.
When I finally got all the signage sorted out (roughly 10 minutes into the first heat, after many runners had gone the wrong way a few times, whoops), I then helped film a VH1 reality show about bitchy golddigging whores who date faggoty French skateboarders (whatever the fuck a Pierre-Luc Gagnon is? Apparently he is famous enough to have a TV show) and finished my day off by rocking the Mic at the finish line (where I resisted my natural urge to make horrible and possibly racist statements, for the most part).
Anyway, the summary of this is that by 6PM on Saturday I was delirious and very much unable to comprehend what had taken place. Then I made awise decision and went to sleep few regrettable decisions and went out drinking with my coworkers. Then I slept pretty much all day Sunday, before working for seven more hours.
While my hectic weekend was going on, apparently the sports world decided to flip onto it's head. Let's take a look at what transpired:
An apparently improving CSU team shit the bed: I don't know who this Ashworth fellow is for BYU, but after his third TD on three catches, I probably would have shifted 6 of my defenders to make sure he didn't catch another pass. But I obviously know less than Larry Kerr, who must take a special pride in letting receivers have career days against his defenses.
If I was as bad at my job as Larry Kerr is at his, I would have not accidently sent runners down the wrong side of a barricade, instead I would have routed them straight into the middle of traffic on Interstate 5.
During postgame interviews Coach Fair said that all jobs were safe. I hope he is just not throwing anyone under the bus with one game remaining and planning to bring out the axe in the offseason, because we need a new defensive coordinator ASAP. When over half of your opponents have hung 45+ on you, your defensive scheme is just not working.
We best win DAS BOOT this weekend. A loss to fucking Wyoming would be so horrible I don't even want to think about it.
The Broncos balled like they were the Raiders playing the Broncos: The last time at Mile High, Denver trailed 38-0 in the second quarter. This time, they led 35-0. I did not realize a bye week was worth 73 fucking points. CSU didn't get one this year, no wonder they suck.
Shockingly, thanks to this win and the horrible horribleness that is the AFC West's other teams, the Broncos can vault into the division race with a W next Monday night against the cunty Chargers. I will be in attendance, so the odds of this happening are somewhere between zero and whatever time was called before the Big Bang. Still, I appreciate the Broncos giving me a little hope (especially since my bandwagon squad, the Texans, just got murked in the cruelest fashion possible).
Best news of the weekend was clearly the fact that Brandon Lloyd and Jabar Gaffney want to impress me, as they have picked up the DeShawn Stevenson's "I Can't Feel My Face" celebration after big plays.
So a lot of my weekend was turrible, but watching
fools dive into mud puddles was highly enjoyable.
I was charged with setting up all the signs to keep people on track for a 5k run that winds through the corrals of a giant horse track featuring obstacles ranging from Moto X kickers to mud puddles 100 yards long. Which is tough enough in itself, but this job was made tougher by the fact that the course kept changing on the whims of the designer and that none of the infrastructure was in place to hang the signs.
When I finally got all the signage sorted out (roughly 10 minutes into the first heat, after many runners had gone the wrong way a few times, whoops), I then helped film a VH1 reality show about bitchy golddigging whores who date faggoty French skateboarders (whatever the fuck a Pierre-Luc Gagnon is? Apparently he is famous enough to have a TV show) and finished my day off by rocking the Mic at the finish line (where I resisted my natural urge to make horrible and possibly racist statements, for the most part).
Anyway, the summary of this is that by 6PM on Saturday I was delirious and very much unable to comprehend what had taken place. Then I made a
While my hectic weekend was going on, apparently the sports world decided to flip onto it's head. Let's take a look at what transpired:
An apparently improving CSU team shit the bed: I don't know who this Ashworth fellow is for BYU, but after his third TD on three catches, I probably would have shifted 6 of my defenders to make sure he didn't catch another pass. But I obviously know less than Larry Kerr, who must take a special pride in letting receivers have career days against his defenses.
If I was as bad at my job as Larry Kerr is at his, I would have not accidently sent runners down the wrong side of a barricade, instead I would have routed them straight into the middle of traffic on Interstate 5.
During postgame interviews Coach Fair said that all jobs were safe. I hope he is just not throwing anyone under the bus with one game remaining and planning to bring out the axe in the offseason, because we need a new defensive coordinator ASAP. When over half of your opponents have hung 45+ on you, your defensive scheme is just not working.
We best win DAS BOOT this weekend. A loss to fucking Wyoming would be so horrible I don't even want to think about it.
The Broncos balled like they were the Raiders playing the Broncos: The last time at Mile High, Denver trailed 38-0 in the second quarter. This time, they led 35-0. I did not realize a bye week was worth 73 fucking points. CSU didn't get one this year, no wonder they suck.
Shockingly, thanks to this win and the horrible horribleness that is the AFC West's other teams, the Broncos can vault into the division race with a W next Monday night against the cunty Chargers. I will be in attendance, so the odds of this happening are somewhere between zero and whatever time was called before the Big Bang. Still, I appreciate the Broncos giving me a little hope (especially since my bandwagon squad, the Texans, just got murked in the cruelest fashion possible).
Best news of the weekend was clearly the fact that Brandon Lloyd and Jabar Gaffney want to impress me, as they have picked up the DeShawn Stevenson's "I Can't Feel My Face" celebration after big plays.
Everything else in college football failed to make sense: TCU struggles with a SDSU team that struggled with CSU (SDSU is a team that is two blown calls vs. Mizzou and BYU from having lost only once all season, so pretty damn good)? This hurts them in the polls, but Oregon winning by only two points against a decidedly average Cal team somehow hardly dents their shiny carbon jersey? Makes no god damn sense. But neither does Baylor and Oklahoma State being in position to win the Big XII South, Florida getting rocked by Steven Garcia and Steven Spurrier or Notre Dame housing the Utes. Oh, and at some point during the day Wisconsin hung 80 on Indiana.
I thought all day long on Saturday that my I-Phone was corrupted by the mud with all the craziness taking place.
The Avs keep on entertaining me, except when they play the Red Wings: They are a bit inconsistent with the whole winning thing, but the whole scoring a lot of goals and still winning with a back-up goalie thing is pretty fun.
The Nuggs keep on disappointing me, even when they don't: It isn't that hard to win in Phoenix. Totally undoes all the good gained from our annual win over LA in November that makes JR Smith Tweet stupid shit that will inspire Kobe to rape him in March.
John Wall is super awesome: Triple-double in his sixth game, just missing a quadruple-double. Boss.
Dougie-ing during intros. Bawse.
Showing that Colin Cowherd is a retarded racess. Priceless.
CSU Basketball gives me reason to love my school: Never thought I'd be able to say that 3 years ago when I covered the Rams as they won 4 games all year. I'm calling the Rams to be one of the top 3 teams in the MWC this season.
Friday, November 12, 2010
SDSU Post Pregaming: Party Bus Parking Lot Pimpin'
Last year for my birthday I went to Vegas for a CSU game and watched us lose a football game to fall to 3-7. I still had a great fucking time.
This year, I stayed in San Diego for my birthday to watch CSU lose a football game to fall to 3-7. I still had a great fucking time.
On the surface, it seems that not a lot has changed. CSU is not very good at football and I am a raging alchy. But if you dig deeper, there is hope on the horizon...at least for CSU football.
All kidding aside, this was another reason that affirmed to me how awesome it is to be a CSU grad, even if our football team struggles and I can't get a decent job ("OBAMA!" /Colbert scream while shaking fist in air).
My weekend began with a nice dinner at Gordon Biersch, provided by the CSU Alunmi Association. It seems that my "leadership" of our CSU Hometown Huddles has earned me an official title as Head of Athletics and Recreation for the San Diego CSU Alumni Association. I put leadership in quotes because all I have done so far is show up to drink heavily at Kristy's sports bar each week and created a Facebook group (San Diego Ram Fans) that has all of 11 people in it.
After my awesome pasta dinner, I returned home and ended up partying with my hot neighbor and her less hot but slutty friend. It was a great night until everyone got overserved and balls were blued, but that isn't a unique story in my life so we can all just move on to Saturday, which was much more enjoyable.
Proving that I can be a great CSU Alumni Organizer, me and the President of the CSU Alumni Association (aka the Redheaded Homeboy who kept falling during Duck-Duck-Goose during our Vegas tailgate) got together about 40 Rammies (and like 3 Aztecs) to take a party bus to Qualcomm for the game.
Yeah, it was as awesome as you can imagine. 35 Rammies drinking beer on a giant bus, slamming liquid crack and pulling into the tailgate 3 hours early already rocking a solid buzz. While entering the lot, I decided that we should announce our presence, so I stuck my head out the emergency roof hatch and began shouting "Go Rams." This would have been more effective and enjoyable if there were more than 35 Aztec fans, but it set the tone.
We posted up adjacent to the official CSU tailgate, set up a table for flip cup and pong, a grill and whatnot. Samole and I immediately jump on top of the bus pounding beers and dancing. Then we demand someone hand us a 30-Rack. Then my buddy Yao tried to climb up. Apparently, three is the magic number, and the bus driver demands that we get down. What a bitch!
We played many epic games of flip cup as the crowd at our tailgate grew closer to about 100 people. At some point in the festivities my parents, sister and my mother's college roommate show up. I make chatted with them a bit, but then decided that they were much too sober to be around at this point. I excuse myself to play some pong.
By the time the game starts I am pretty fuzzy, but I decide I can't just abandon my family, so I stash the beer in the bus and join them. My mom is someone who never breaks the rules, so she demands that we sit in our assigned seats, right smack dab in an SDSU section. I tell her this is a terrible idea, as there is a whole corner of the stadium that is full of CSU fans (over 1,000), but she doesn't want to move.
As we sit down, something strange is happening, CSU is actually playing tough defense and winning. Everytime something good happens I do my best Pauly D, "OHHH YEAHHHH, RAMMMS YEAAHHH!" standing up with arms raised.
There are literally 4 generations of SDSU fans sitting around me and none are too thrilled with my enthusiasm. A 70+ gentleman tells me to sit down, his nephew joins and his little cock-bag of a kid spends the rest of the game turning around to yell "OHHHHH YEEEAHHH" in his undescended testicles voice. At first their comments are tinged with a little anger, but as we talk between plays it becomes light-hearted when they realize I am not as big of an asshole as I appear (I only swore like 3 times, pretty amazing for me at a CSU game).
All the while, my family is sitting beside me. My mom is laughing uproariously, my father is pretending he doesn't know me and my sister thinks I'm an asshole. What else is new?
At one point the 9-year old read my "Green Shirts Are For Pimps" shirt and asks his mom what a pimp is. She tells him it is "a really good football player." I admonish her for lying, and then tell him it also means really good golfer as well (haha year-old Tiger joke). It is at this point that she demands "Someone needs to watch these damn kids, I need to get more alcohol." I decide she is a pretty awesome Cougar and SDSU fans, all 1000 of them, are pretty awesome.
As the half ends, I leave for to get more alcohol and to track down my friends. I am in a different section as the second half starts and SDSU takes the lead. Apparently while I was gone fans in the section repeatedly attempting to yell "OHHH YEAHHH" at my seat even when I was gone. Much like Athlete's Foot, even when I'm not visible I am still annoying as shit.
I come back to my seats, this time armed with a posse of Ram fans, just in time to watch Sisson's awesome fumble return, which is pretty much the greatest moment of this CSU season.
(Warning: Actual game analysis, not stories about drinking) Sadly, the momentum didn't last long, and CSU couldn't overcome our poor red zone offense, no running game and the shittiest refs in America. Still, just seeing the Rams compete in a road contest was great. SDSU is a damn good team and we took them to the wire. One or two plays, one or two calls, could have changed everything. Still, this Rams team is light years ahead the team I saw get thrashed by UNLV a year ago and especially the team that got rolled by Nevada two months ago.
After the game we rolled back to PB on the bus. We had been drinking for the better part of 8 hours, but Samole, Yao and I continued, but we were unwilling to pay the $5 cover for the bar, so we sat in their parking lot and pounded luke-warm Cauhagamas with all the class of true CSU fans. At one point a security guard came up to Yao, and asked if he was drinking a beer. Yao just looked at him blankly, looked at his hand, then deadpanned "What?" The security guard was so confused he just walked on.
All the Ram fans had plans to party together all night, but instead we ended up all over San Diego at bars, but fortunately and surprisingly no one even got arrested (though Samole apparently tried, nearly breaking his hand as he went Hulk on random windows).
The moral of this rambling story, as always, is that CSU parties hard. Sometimes almost too hard. Much like Bobby Knight's advice on rape, just relax and enjoy it.
This year, I stayed in San Diego for my birthday to watch CSU lose a football game to fall to 3-7. I still had a great fucking time.
On the surface, it seems that not a lot has changed. CSU is not very good at football and I am a raging alchy. But if you dig deeper, there is hope on the horizon...at least for CSU football.
All kidding aside, this was another reason that affirmed to me how awesome it is to be a CSU grad, even if our football team struggles and I can't get a decent job ("OBAMA!" /Colbert scream while shaking fist in air).
My weekend began with a nice dinner at Gordon Biersch, provided by the CSU Alunmi Association. It seems that my "leadership" of our CSU Hometown Huddles has earned me an official title as Head of Athletics and Recreation for the San Diego CSU Alumni Association. I put leadership in quotes because all I have done so far is show up to drink heavily at Kristy's sports bar each week and created a Facebook group (San Diego Ram Fans) that has all of 11 people in it.
After my awesome pasta dinner, I returned home and ended up partying with my hot neighbor and her less hot but slutty friend. It was a great night until everyone got overserved and balls were blued, but that isn't a unique story in my life so we can all just move on to Saturday, which was much more enjoyable.
Proving that I can be a great CSU Alumni Organizer, me and the President of the CSU Alumni Association (aka the Redheaded Homeboy who kept falling during Duck-Duck-Goose during our Vegas tailgate) got together about 40 Rammies (and like 3 Aztecs) to take a party bus to Qualcomm for the game.
Yeah, it was as awesome as you can imagine. 35 Rammies drinking beer on a giant bus, slamming liquid crack and pulling into the tailgate 3 hours early already rocking a solid buzz. While entering the lot, I decided that we should announce our presence, so I stuck my head out the emergency roof hatch and began shouting "Go Rams." This would have been more effective and enjoyable if there were more than 35 Aztec fans, but it set the tone.
We posted up adjacent to the official CSU tailgate, set up a table for flip cup and pong, a grill and whatnot. Samole and I immediately jump on top of the bus pounding beers and dancing. Then we demand someone hand us a 30-Rack. Then my buddy Yao tried to climb up. Apparently, three is the magic number, and the bus driver demands that we get down. What a bitch!
We played many epic games of flip cup as the crowd at our tailgate grew closer to about 100 people. At some point in the festivities my parents, sister and my mother's college roommate show up. I make chatted with them a bit, but then decided that they were much too sober to be around at this point. I excuse myself to play some pong.
By the time the game starts I am pretty fuzzy, but I decide I can't just abandon my family, so I stash the beer in the bus and join them. My mom is someone who never breaks the rules, so she demands that we sit in our assigned seats, right smack dab in an SDSU section. I tell her this is a terrible idea, as there is a whole corner of the stadium that is full of CSU fans (over 1,000), but she doesn't want to move.
As we sit down, something strange is happening, CSU is actually playing tough defense and winning. Everytime something good happens I do my best Pauly D, "OHHH YEAHHHH, RAMMMS YEAAHHH!" standing up with arms raised.
There are literally 4 generations of SDSU fans sitting around me and none are too thrilled with my enthusiasm. A 70+ gentleman tells me to sit down, his nephew joins and his little cock-bag of a kid spends the rest of the game turning around to yell "OHHHHH YEEEAHHH" in his undescended testicles voice. At first their comments are tinged with a little anger, but as we talk between plays it becomes light-hearted when they realize I am not as big of an asshole as I appear (I only swore like 3 times, pretty amazing for me at a CSU game).
All the while, my family is sitting beside me. My mom is laughing uproariously, my father is pretending he doesn't know me and my sister thinks I'm an asshole. What else is new?
At one point the 9-year old read my "Green Shirts Are For Pimps" shirt and asks his mom what a pimp is. She tells him it is "a really good football player." I admonish her for lying, and then tell him it also means really good golfer as well (haha year-old Tiger joke). It is at this point that she demands "Someone needs to watch these damn kids, I need to get more alcohol." I decide she is a pretty awesome Cougar and SDSU fans, all 1000 of them, are pretty awesome.
As the half ends, I leave for to get more alcohol and to track down my friends. I am in a different section as the second half starts and SDSU takes the lead. Apparently while I was gone fans in the section repeatedly attempting to yell "OHHH YEAHHH" at my seat even when I was gone. Much like Athlete's Foot, even when I'm not visible I am still annoying as shit.
I come back to my seats, this time armed with a posse of Ram fans, just in time to watch Sisson's awesome fumble return, which is pretty much the greatest moment of this CSU season.
(Warning: Actual game analysis, not stories about drinking) Sadly, the momentum didn't last long, and CSU couldn't overcome our poor red zone offense, no running game and the shittiest refs in America. Still, just seeing the Rams compete in a road contest was great. SDSU is a damn good team and we took them to the wire. One or two plays, one or two calls, could have changed everything. Still, this Rams team is light years ahead the team I saw get thrashed by UNLV a year ago and especially the team that got rolled by Nevada two months ago.
After the game we rolled back to PB on the bus. We had been drinking for the better part of 8 hours, but Samole, Yao and I continued, but we were unwilling to pay the $5 cover for the bar, so we sat in their parking lot and pounded luke-warm Cauhagamas with all the class of true CSU fans. At one point a security guard came up to Yao, and asked if he was drinking a beer. Yao just looked at him blankly, looked at his hand, then deadpanned "What?" The security guard was so confused he just walked on.
All the Ram fans had plans to party together all night, but instead we ended up all over San Diego at bars, but fortunately and surprisingly no one even got arrested (though Samole apparently tried, nearly breaking his hand as he went Hulk on random windows).
The moral of this rambling story, as always, is that CSU parties hard. Sometimes almost too hard. Much like Bobby Knight's advice on rape, just relax and enjoy it.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Weekend Sack-Up: Bandwagoning
So, this weekend was pretty ridiculous. CSU was good, Denver was horrible again and Halloween was too much fun/pain. Alas, I survived with minor damage to my liver and major damage to my already crippled wallet (both metaphorically and in reality).
We will start with the good, CSU: We beat up on another bad team, and it is refreshing to find out that there are 2 teams much worse than us. If we can run the ball, we are a good team. If we can't, and we become one-dimensional, we are really bad. It doesn't hurt that our schedule has featured two of the top 6 teams in the nation.
It was great to see Leonard Mason let out the beast, hopefully he comes on like Triplesticks (Gartrell Johnson) did during the CSU stretch runs in 2008. We still have a shot at bowl elgibility, but the biggest test will come this weekend in San Diego (hey, I live there) as CSU attempts to give me a birthday W, something they failed miserably at last year.
Myself and around 30 of my closest Rammies will be commandeering a party bus and raging all day long for the 7pm game. I cannot wait for this, as we might be the drunkest collection of humans on the planet.
So tune in next weekend, or better yet, come join me in the flesh at Qualcomm and let's dooooooo thiiiisss.
Broncos: This season is over. Orton can't make key plays, bumbles around too much, our defense gets gashed by shitty teams and we made Troy Smith look like he was back at OSU tearing up Akron. Not cool.
I am officially on the Tebow bandwagon, because we might as well make this season interesting if we are going to suck donkey nuts.
Also, I am officially jumping on the Texans bandwagon (so beware, it will probably crash and burn, knowing my sports luck recently) but for the rest of the year they are my numero 1 team, for a number of reason:
-The fact that they are the 2nd largest employer of CSU graduates in the world (No. 1? John Deere. Don't beleive me? You shouldn't, I made that up because of the colors. I think No. 1 is probably CSU). Anderson, Dreessen, Briesel, Smith, Nading, Pemberton, plus Lil' Kubes all get paid NFL dollars to play/coach in the Lone Star State.
-My fantasy team consists of Arian Nation Foster, Matty Shaub, Andre Johnson and Neil Rackers. So basically, as Houston's offense goes, so goes my squad. Not the best of plans, but it is working better than Denver's plan.
-How awesome would it be to see them win a Super Bowl in Dallas' uber-stadium?
-They play almost like the old Broncos, with the zone blocking scheme and play-action passing attack. "Loves it." /gay robot voice
-I love Houston hip-hop. Gotta rep that Cham, that Bun, them Geto Boys, uhhhhh. "Chunk ya deuce UP"
Ohhhhh yeaahhhh. For the rest of the 2010-11 season I'll be jocking the Texans.
Avalanches: Chris Stewart thinks that Leonard Mason's Beast is weak. Chris Stewart isn't just beastin', he is in Beast Mode (No Marshawn Lynch). The man is 2nd in the NHL in points and goals, and if you look at him wrong, he isn't shy to throw you a whooping for thinking stupid childish thoughts.
The Avs are fun to watch, and if they can figure out what defense is, they are going to be really fun to watch.
Though I don't like Andy being injured, I do love Boods and hope he comes through for us. Never know when you'll need that No. 2 goaltender. Look at Chicago last year.
Nuggies: More fun to watch than I anticipated, but it is almost like getting some pussy from your girlfriend while you know she is thinking about this big black cock that she is anxious to jump onto. Yup, I just called Melo a whore and New York City man meat. I think it fits nicely.
Halloween (akak
Things I achieved while dressed as a dinosaur):
-Bit the head off of every attractive girl who walked by. Never once did this go wrong, shockingly.
-Bit the head of anyone who was annoying me, announced them dead and walked off.
-Whilst biting people with my Rex mouth, every time I still opened my mouth as if I was controlling the foam mouth. I am special.
-Tried to break-up an engagement by hooking up with the fiancée and was doing very well until cock-blocked by a German. I'll forgive you guys for the Holocaust, but this is unacceptable. See your asses in WWIII
-Post c-block, I proceeded to transfer from fun-loving Rex into Bitter Brontosaurs. My lovely sister tells me that as she was trying to say her goodbyes to give me a ride home, a person dressed as Tigger approached me. This was our exchange, while leaning over the VIP balcony:
-Thought I lost my "wallet," which at this point of the night was a Ziplock with credit cards and $2, at some afterparty at 4:30am, only to find said baggy was down by my ankle, trapped by the magical elastic sweatpants cuffs.
-Spilled a girls drink at the afterparty and then told her to fuck off because if I wasn't allowed to drink at said afterparty neither was she. Who says chivalry is dead?
Welp, that concludes this week's installment of the Sack-Up. Join me later this week for SDSU pregaming analysis, post-pregaming wrap-up and wallowing in sadness without Jersey Shore /tear.
We will start with the good, CSU: We beat up on another bad team, and it is refreshing to find out that there are 2 teams much worse than us. If we can run the ball, we are a good team. If we can't, and we become one-dimensional, we are really bad. It doesn't hurt that our schedule has featured two of the top 6 teams in the nation.
It was great to see Leonard Mason let out the beast, hopefully he comes on like Triplesticks (Gartrell Johnson) did during the CSU stretch runs in 2008. We still have a shot at bowl elgibility, but the biggest test will come this weekend in San Diego (hey, I live there) as CSU attempts to give me a birthday W, something they failed miserably at last year.
Myself and around 30 of my closest Rammies will be commandeering a party bus and raging all day long for the 7pm game. I cannot wait for this, as we might be the drunkest collection of humans on the planet.
So tune in next weekend, or better yet, come join me in the flesh at Qualcomm and let's dooooooo thiiiisss.
Broncos: This season is over. Orton can't make key plays, bumbles around too much, our defense gets gashed by shitty teams and we made Troy Smith look like he was back at OSU tearing up Akron. Not cool.
I am officially on the Tebow bandwagon, because we might as well make this season interesting if we are going to suck donkey nuts.
Also, I am officially jumping on the Texans bandwagon (so beware, it will probably crash and burn, knowing my sports luck recently) but for the rest of the year they are my numero 1 team, for a number of reason:
-The fact that they are the 2nd largest employer of CSU graduates in the world (No. 1? John Deere. Don't beleive me? You shouldn't, I made that up because of the colors. I think No. 1 is probably CSU). Anderson, Dreessen, Briesel, Smith, Nading, Pemberton, plus Lil' Kubes all get paid NFL dollars to play/coach in the Lone Star State.
-My fantasy team consists of Arian Nation Foster, Matty Shaub, Andre Johnson and Neil Rackers. So basically, as Houston's offense goes, so goes my squad. Not the best of plans, but it is working better than Denver's plan.
-How awesome would it be to see them win a Super Bowl in Dallas' uber-stadium?
-They play almost like the old Broncos, with the zone blocking scheme and play-action passing attack. "Loves it." /gay robot voice
-I love Houston hip-hop. Gotta rep that Cham, that Bun, them Geto Boys, uhhhhh. "Chunk ya deuce UP"
Ohhhhh yeaahhhh. For the rest of the 2010-11 season I'll be jocking the Texans.
Avalanches: Chris Stewart thinks that Leonard Mason's Beast is weak. Chris Stewart isn't just beastin', he is in Beast Mode (No Marshawn Lynch). The man is 2nd in the NHL in points and goals, and if you look at him wrong, he isn't shy to throw you a whooping for thinking stupid childish thoughts.
The Avs are fun to watch, and if they can figure out what defense is, they are going to be really fun to watch.
Though I don't like Andy being injured, I do love Boods and hope he comes through for us. Never know when you'll need that No. 2 goaltender. Look at Chicago last year.
Nuggies: More fun to watch than I anticipated, but it is almost like getting some pussy from your girlfriend while you know she is thinking about this big black cock that she is anxious to jump onto. Yup, I just called Melo a whore and New York City man meat. I think it fits nicely.
Halloween (akak
Things I achieved while dressed as a dinosaur):
-Bit the head off of every attractive girl who walked by. Never once did this go wrong, shockingly.
-Bit the head of anyone who was annoying me, announced them dead and walked off.
-Whilst biting people with my Rex mouth, every time I still opened my mouth as if I was controlling the foam mouth. I am special.
-Tried to break-up an engagement by hooking up with the fiancée and was doing very well until cock-blocked by a German. I'll forgive you guys for the Holocaust, but this is unacceptable. See your asses in WWIII
-Post c-block, I proceeded to transfer from fun-loving Rex into Bitter Brontosaurs. My lovely sister tells me that as she was trying to say her goodbyes to give me a ride home, a person dressed as Tigger approached me. This was our exchange, while leaning over the VIP balcony:
Tigger: "Yo man, what are you? A dinosaur or a gator?"-Thought I lost my keys when instead I made the conscious decision to leave them at a friends house so as not to lose them.
Me: "I'm dressed as a guy who throws Tiggers off of balconies."
Sister: "Allright, time to go."
-Thought I lost my "wallet," which at this point of the night was a Ziplock with credit cards and $2, at some afterparty at 4:30am, only to find said baggy was down by my ankle, trapped by the magical elastic sweatpants cuffs.
-Spilled a girls drink at the afterparty and then told her to fuck off because if I wasn't allowed to drink at said afterparty neither was she. Who says chivalry is dead?
Welp, that concludes this week's installment of the Sack-Up. Join me later this week for SDSU pregaming analysis, post-pregaming wrap-up and wallowing in sadness without Jersey Shore /tear.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 14 REUNION SHOW, YAHHHH
Final JS Ep for a while, y'all. So sad, and yet, as we saw last week in Miami, it is time. Give me a couple months to chill out and matriculate back to CO, and I'll be ready for more Guido on Guidette violence.
Onto the REUNION (which is taking place at the WORLD FAMOUS Flamingo Hotel in Atlantic City. Don't ever say MTV doesn't pull out all the stops):
-On trannies, Mike: "A couple of drinks in you and you really can't tell."
With any of the girls he hooks up with, you really can't tell. Plus, there is no way that is the first-time tranbang for him.
-The Cab's Here/T-Shirt Time/Loud Pauly Yelling Montage is maybe the greatest thing I have ever witnessed in TV. Just classic.
"I do it until it is so annoying you have to leave." So glad that someone has created an international signal to let bitches know that "IT IS FUCKING TIME TO GO."
Plus, "Burgers for the boys" and "Busted" are now fully into my repertoire.
-I'm not a fashion expert (as witnessed by the fact I wear athletic shorts and a t-shirt in almost every aspect of my life) but I'm willing to wager that ripped/cut fabric dresses in bright colors are gonna be mad hott this year, especially on the Shore. J-Woww and Sammy gotta be kinda pissed they wore matching outfits. Awkward
-"I'm fucking done with it" -Snooks, on Ron+Sam.
Vinny: "I want them to be in a loving relationship. With or without each other. More than for me, but for them."
-"I'd rather fuck Pauly before I fuck Ronnie." J-Dubadub, who then reminds herself that she still has Tawm-E.
-"I would rather not admit I was wrong, a bitch and that Ronnie made me look stupid, so I'm just gonna stay pissed at everyone else because they told me Ron was a dick." -This is Sam's reasoning for staying with Ronnie and not regretting her decisions.
-"You aren't supposed to look for a girlfriend, you're supposed to have a good time and see what happens and then you end up with a girlfriend. Well I wasn't looking, but I found a girl, so let's see what happens." -Pauly D (Read this quote aloud as fast as possible after sniffing a caterpillar line of coke in order to get the full effect of how fast Pauly said it).
-"I was on the beach and I had a piece of lint in my hair and Vinny reached up and took it out for me. That was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me." Pauly D, during the Vinny-Pauly D bromantage (BROMONTAGE: copyrighted and starred in case Simmons tries to steal from me. Rocky and Apollo's bromantage just got topped).
I lied earlier, this was the greatest moment in TV history.
I also love that the host asks for the comments from the girls on VD (Vinny + Pauly D, get it? Plus it's what they pass on to girls) and Ronnie adds his two cents. He is now so whipped he has switched teams. What a turnaround from the first few episodes.
-"Do you ever come out and ask (if a girl is DTF)?" -Cheeky Latina Host
MVP in unison: "Yes."
"If you are afraid to ask a girl if she is DTF, then she probably isn't." -Vinny with a life lesson, kids. Pay attention.
-NBA Jam and GoldenEye reduxs. I am getting a Wii. (Also, really glad these came out post-college, or else I never would have gone to class. I wasted enough time on Call of Duty, Halo, NCAA, FIFA and Bigs, but I would have played those two games full-time if they were available. I might actually just attempt to go pro at them now. I'm about to be unemployed anyway, why the fuck not?)
-"It's a close family." -Vinny, after Snooki again discusses how it is "weird" that Vinny is like "her protective older brother" that she fucks. New Jersey basically is West Virginia North? Makes sense.
-I love mad Pauly D. Someone should make a soundboard of just him. One side happy Pauly, one side mad. I think that would be excellent.
-They continue to rag of Jose and his Fossil watch gift. I can't wait to get my future wifey a Fossil watch so she has to put out.
-"(J-Woww) has a camel toe in jeans." -Pauly D, who I think caught and passed Vinny to win the season 2 Most Valuable Guido award. Congrats to him. Just solid quotables, solid game, solid storylines and whenever I think back on Jersey Shore 2.0, I will think of two things:
"T-shiiiiiiiiirrrrtttt ttttiiiiime." and...
"Caabbbb's Heeeeerrre, YAAAAAH"
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
A Sweet Sack of Nuggs, Vol. 2.0
The NBA season got off to a rousing start last night, with the 3-headed monster playing out like all of LeBron's best Cleveland teams looked. Him playing out of his mind and four other guys standing around unsure of their roles (kinda like what our Three-Headed Blog Squad predicted yesterday). Maybe this will change, and not every team will be as deep and defensively skilled as the Celts, but it showed that as much as things change in the NBA, they remain the same.
Which brings us to the loveable Nuggets of Denver, who are still a dysfunctional bunch of Thuggets (even in their magical run to conference finals two years ago who can forget K-Mart fighting fans/owners?). As the world of the NBA turns, we are sadly getting even more fucked up.
So now, join myself and Mr. "Barrio Bell" Heath (in the blue font) as we go through dickburger that is the Nuggets roster and then offer our lovely predictions about the way this season will go. Or light yourself on fire and have a more enjoyable time.
This was way more fun to write last season, due to the Nuggs looking like contenders so hoping for the reverse-jinx pleasethankyou!
In Numerical Order:
Gary Forbes: -Went off for 25 vs. Phoenix in the last preseason game.
-This may be the whitest name of any player in the NBA. I was wondering why the accountant was listed on the roster.
Gary Forbes: -Went off for 25 vs. Phoenix in the last preseason game.
-This may be the whitest name of any player in the NBA. I was wondering why the accountant was listed on the roster.
Oh, I get it. This is like that Episode of Chappelle’s show where they thrust some white-suburban type into a household full of “crazy-ass N-“ and Mr.Forbes here just happened to be selected for the part. Well they certainly sent him to the most dysfunctional NBA household, the next few months should be hell for this guy. Oh, he’s not actually white? I got nothing then.
#1 Chauncey Billups: -I'm going to really enjoy watching him in play for Charlotte, where his veteran poise will be much needed.
-Not going to look forward to him trying to take over games and stealing Ty Lawson's PT.-He can stay, if he basically moves to a role as a shooting guard.
#1 Chauncey Billups: -I'm going to really enjoy watching him in play for Charlotte, where his veteran poise will be much needed.
-Not going to look forward to him trying to take over games and stealing Ty Lawson's PT.
-The single biggest reason for our 08 ascension and our 09 descension, CBill shot us out of too many games last year, its clear this year will be a baton-pass to Lawson. Sorry CBill, we tried.
#3 Ty Lawson: -Really the only player I am excited for right now.
-Should be the break out player on this roster if he is given PT and doesn't have to fight for shots.
-Should be the break out player on this roster if he is given PT and doesn't have to fight for shots.
Clearly a year where Lawson is designated to step up, will be one of the few bright spots on an otherwise failing team. Excited to see him kill it but my expectations are suitably tempered.
#4 K-Mart: -I have defended him in past years, and it looked like he turned a corner, but now I never want to see him wear a Nuggs uniform again. Your fucking contract has dragged around our neck for the last 7 years and now you have the audacity to demand an extension. If it weren't for your Hinderburg-esque contract we might have surrounded Melo with some big that could score rather than bigs who get Darrent Williams shot. I hope someone fucks you in Trina's lips on your neck.
#4 K-Mart: -I have defended him in past years, and it looked like he turned a corner, but now I never want to see him wear a Nuggs uniform again. Your fucking contract has dragged around our neck for the last 7 years and now you have the audacity to demand an extension. If it weren't for your Hinderburg-esque contract we might have surrounded Melo with some big that could score rather than bigs who get Darrent Williams shot. I hope someone fucks you in Trina's lips on your neck.
-I don’t even know where the fuck to start, this is another nominee for the Chappelle household, voted most likely to charge the stands after getting heckled from the bench while wearing that college-professor brown blazer he stole from the Cherry Creek Goodwill. How does someone go from being responsible for back-to-back Finals appearances to "out-Grant Hilling" Grant Hill in the category named after GRANT FUCKING HILL??
#5 J.R. Smith: -You are fucking stupid. Grow the fuck up and understand how life and basketball work. Your talent is out of this world but so is your brain. You are playing your way into a role as AI's swingman teammate. Hope the Istanbullets have cap space left in three years.
So fed up with this team as a whole, I’m actually the LEAST pissed at JR compared to the rest of these fucks. Don’t get me wrong, I still got him ridin shotty in a future Denver Jail-Blazers esque arrest.
#6 Aaron Afflalo: -I almost forgot he was on the team. I got nothing bad to say. He should turn into a Bruce Bowen type player, but I'm sure it won't be with the Nuggets, as he is exactly the type of player we trade for pennies on the dollar only to watch them blow up elsewhere.
-Speaking of which, sure would be nice to have Marcus Camby right about now.
This is a horrible statement. Marcus Camby is a charter member of Sack's Hall of Hate, residing comfortably in the Jamie Carrol/[Name Redacted] Wing for players on my favorite team I despise (which will be a column coming soon. Also, just jotting down names like Diawara, Najera, Elson, etc. made me realize exactly why Carmelo Anthony hates playing basketball in Denver)
#7 Al Harrington: -"I'm Al Harrington and I get buckets" God, I'm excited to yell that. He hasn't been on the team long enough for me to hate him, but his shoot from the outside and no defense history is not really a combination that tends to win me over.
-Not a bad offseason pickup for the Nugs, should be interesting to watch fit in with what remains of the soon to be tattered Nugs offense. Could be a great addition, provided we keep him away from JR, Balkman, etc.
#7 Al Harrington: -"I'm Al Harrington and I get buckets" God, I'm excited to yell that. He hasn't been on the team long enough for me to hate him, but his shoot from the outside and no defense history is not really a combination that tends to win me over.
#11 Birdman: -Get healthy and stay out of the nose candy. You got lucky to get a second chance, don't fuck it up by being lazy. And stop getting hurt.
- At this point, the seasons so fucked I’m actually cheering for him to START doing coke again. The season’s shot, might as well make the implosion worthwhile. Plus, then we’d be able to violate his ass back to jail and recoup our 4 mil from his (no longer) feel-good story havin ass.
#15 Carmelo Anthony: If you really want out, just man up and say it. This "he said-she said" behind the curtain bullshit is fucking weak. Look, your wife has your balls and you want to go back East. Put your cards on the table and tell the Knicks to pony up. Convince them that whatever they offer for you is worth it. If you are the star that you have talked yourself up to be, a legit championship caliber player, then you should be fine. You don't have to dick Denver over in the process like your butt-buddy Bron.
-I slapped Kat Stacks and I want my money.
-I slapped Kat Stacks and I want my money.
-Theres not enough space in this article for how much I hate this man. Most angering is the Melo apologists that have surrounded this insane combination of talent and apathy. Perhaps what annoys me the most about this grinning piece of shit is the way we as fans give ourselves and cities over to these basketball specimens.
Just once I want these basketball equivalents of male models to realize the elephant graveyard of every other “can’t tell me nothing” basketball star of the past few decades who is now standing in the welfare line like ODB in 95. Granted I was never too heavy into Melo-cocksucking, but the fact remains that he was the most talented, proven star that we have ever had on our team. He was OUR answer to Lebron, he was OUR permanent stake in the macro NBA media circus. And I can’t say we really got a lot in return. It is my sincere hope that the 2011 collapse of the league as we know it yields heavy playoff-incentive based contracts and the death of a superstar like this. I hate you Melo, I wish Shawn Kemp AND ‘Toine Walkers fate on you.
#23 Shelden Williams: - Does this mean we get dibs on his and Candice Parker's offspring. Because that is going to be a large ugly human. Man or woman, I think it would be better than any Denver big man.
-I thought he was like 35, but he graduated from Duke in 2007 and is only 25.
-I thought he was like 35, but he graduated from Duke in 2007 and is only 25.
-“Who is ‘The guy who fucks the MJ of bitch ball,’ Alex.”
A. Notice that they are holding her jersey, not his.
B. That is gonna be a talllll asss babbbby.
#25 Anthony Carter: -How is he still around? And why? What kind of cruel world do we live in where AC is still employed to play gaurd in the NBA. Edy could post him up and hit turnaround jumpers over him all day. He couldn't even start for CSU. I will wager that he has more turnovers than baskets this season.
I will continue my AC apologist duties circa 2007 and cling to him as the one Nugget I truly love. We’ll need him to run the retard relief squad after the Melo trade and following a CBill 2 month injury, cuz its going to happen.
#31 Nene: -Another supremely gifted athlete who underachieves for the Nuggets. Maybe he would have more success with a big that actually can score (like Harrington can), but instead I bet Nene will play passive and get bullied by Pau Gasol. Edy def wins this argument from last year.
Every year I watch this dude telegraph the two post moves he has and then get stripped in the paint, I expect no less this year. The uniballer 2,0 has looked and played like shit for the past 3 years, in fact the only year he didn’t look like a complete liability was when Kmart and Camby were both in the rotation. I think its time we arrange to have him offed in the back room of Fogo de Chao, thus netting us 11.3 mil in cap space savings.
#32 Ronaldo Balkman: Why is he even on the roster? Oh, right, someone needs to carry weed.
#32 Ronaldo Balkman: Why is he even on the roster? Oh, right, someone needs to carry weed.
-Maybe George Karl will remember he exists this year, even if RB is so baked he isn't sure he exists.
Can we just hair drug follicle test this asshole and peace him already. I’m sick of his elsie the cow looking face and his general demeanor. Hate aside, should we decide to go for the Jail-blazer Award for the year, his, pusher man services may just be needed.
#34 Melvin Ely: There is an NBA player named Melvin? What is this, 1954 when blacks weren't allowed in the lower bowls of the arena? Get the fuck out.
#34 Melvin Ely: There is an NBA player named Melvin? What is this, 1954 when blacks weren't allowed in the lower bowls of the arena? Get the fuck out.
This name sounds so old it brings to mind male-sounding pen names utilized by female writers of the past. I’m holding out hope this is Candace Parker’s own version of a pen-name, reverse Juwanna man style.
George Karl: I do not understand why he is coaching this team. It is clear that Melo and K-Mart are not just metaphorical team cancers, but that exposure to them actually causes cancer. Think I'm hyperbolizing? Jim Boeheim at 'Cuse got cancer after Melo, three people in Bob Huggins family got cancer from K-Mart (Huggy Bear doesn't get cancer because his innards are just Jack Daniels and steal bolts at this point), Nene got the big C from them as well. Shit, George, you better know these guys are gonna be traded, because you've already had too much cancer.
Just learned he wants a long-term extension from the Nuggets. My, what a glutton for punishment you are. What, the daily doses of HULK-Gamma ray quality radiation wasn’t enough for you that you want to subject your sanity to conversations of PRAC-tice with JR, Pusherman Balkman, and Melo’s general disinterest? Get out while you can Georgie K.
Adrian Dantley: I only include the big man for the fact that he lives in the same building with my buddy @LMCSU2008, who lives in Dantley's old apartment in the building I think and still gets his mail. They interact often, and he is nice enough to put AD's best comments on Twitter. Follow him just for that, but he was also kind enough to give me his favorite AD quotes and a breakdown of our apparent Coach in Waiting:
(AD said) "I was lookin for you in Utah, but I couldn't tell one Mormon from another" (then he laughed awkwardly hard at his own joke) or when he was all pissed during the Lakers conf finals and he said they 'Were gonna stomp them n----s out.' Then we got killed.Bottom line is he talks a lot of shit then let's everyone walk all over him when he gets in the spotlight
Which, if you have followed the Nuggets, is pretty much our entire team does. Especially Melo in the Garden.
Who should we trade Melo for? I think the Italian from NY, a couple draft picks and one of the young bigs, terrible as they are in exchange for Melo and K-Mart would be great. Really, even just draft picks and expiring contracts work. We just gotta get something.
Every day closer to the trade deadline a little more of our trade leverage evaporates. I think I’d be happy for a anything at this point. The Derrick Favors and some number ones package seems more effective to me, allowing the Nuggets to survey the talent it does, or does not, have in what will essentially become a season of exhibition games. Operation NY WOP trade just seems like a grab bag of mediocrity to me. I wish we would have done this deal late last year when the Knicks had a few more players we would have liked a shot at (like David Lee) and giving us a different look at the 2010 free agency market.
Who gets arrested first? Rory, for slapping LaLa at their shared birthday party.
Seriously, I'm gonna go for Lawson for a nightclub altercation.
Birdman coke binge resulting in driving the wrong way down I-25 doing 90. Yeah, our teams so bad I’m wishing relapse on feel good stories.
Season Prediction: This is what I will write next April:
Season Prediction: This is what I will write next April:
So another Nuggets season ended with a loss in the first round to (circle one) Los Angeles/Oklahoma City. What a frustrating year. Some huge wins over LA and that classic 2OT battle with the Heat. A lot of disappointing losses like that 168-124 loss to Golden State. But at least JR scored 64 in that one, too bad Stephan Curry went for 80 and the equipment manager scored 14 in mop up duty since Golden State only dressed 6 players for the game. After (fill in the following names in some order; Birdman, Nene, K-Mart, Al Harrington) __________ tore his ACL, the arrest of ________ for sexually assaulting a clown, ____________ came down with planters vaginosis and ___________ was suspended for his fight with the one of the Maloof brothers over gambling debts/white girl (real one)/white girl (cocaine) the season was shot (which isn't a pun, sadly, as somehow Marvin Ely actually got shot. No one has bothered to check if he is alive). At least Chauncey gave it a good effort. It was just tough to play a some of those games 4-on-6 when Melo would decide to audition for another team, by literally playing for them. And big ups to David Stern for not giving a shit about any of this, saying "Fuck off, Denver. You know the finals are going to be Heat/Lakers, unless Kobe gets busy with a flight attendent or something, again. I couldn't give a shit about any team not touching a beach. You too OKC, conference finals are as far as you will ever get. I got my best refs on it."
Why should I even bother watching NBA basketball in Denver for the next 10 years, knowing that 4 teams or so will be the only competitive teams? Denver will never get closer to the NBA promised land than last year. Why should I even watch? Really, help me. No, those reading this out there, all four of you, tell me why I should support this team anymore...(silence and crickets...and then it was silent some more)...No one? Fine.
During my intensive NBA betting days of old I used to look for 3 teams at the absolute top and bottom of the league to champion or pick on against the spread. I looked for teams so hopelessly shattered after an early to midseason trade that they couldn’t possibly reset themselves to zero without the aid of an offseason’s worth of free agent acquisitions or trades. We, ladies and genteleman, will become one of those teams so gutted and full of broken pieces that we will get beat by the spread night in and night out on the road (sometimes even at home).
Watching the media’s general coverage of the Nuggets is like those scenes in gangster movies leading up to a big whack; everyone seems a little too calm, smiling just a little too big, trying a little too hard to make everything appear nice and tranquil. That’s fucking us, we’re Joe Pesci’s character in Goodfellas, we’ve had some good runs at the title as a crew, made a little money, fucked some groupie bitches, and now we’re about to get the death mark as a squad for seasons to come.
When we look back on this era of the Nuggets, it will be bigot-ly referred to as “The head-band era” full of supremely gifted teams and heavy dosages of rationalization from the front office and the fans. The sad fact of the matter being that we had no choice but to go along with this all flash, no discipline team, it was all we had. Will we call it growth? Probably not, but I hope we do call it a lesson learned.
“It’s time for a house meeting, I-iiiiight.” Chappelle show.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sack, Edy & Dj Stringer Bell Discuss the NBA: Get Your Ice Cold Hatorade
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