Colorado sports by a fan. A healthy dose of CSU Rams, Rockies, Broncos, Avs, and Nuggets talk, and the most important Jersey Shore recaps in the nation, among other things. I'm killing shit, buckle up and strap in. OHHHH YAAAAAA
Final JS Ep for a while, y'all. So sad, and yet, as we saw last week in Miami, it is time. Give me a couple months to chill out and matriculate back to CO, and I'll be ready for more Guido on Guidette violence.
Onto the REUNION (which is taking place at the WORLD FAMOUS Flamingo Hotel in Atlantic City. Don't ever say MTV doesn't pull out all the stops):
-On trannies, Mike: "A couple of drinks in you and you really can't tell."
With any of the girls he hooks up with, you really can't tell. Plus, there is no way that is the first-time tranbang for him.
-The Cab's Here/T-Shirt Time/Loud Pauly Yelling Montage is maybe the greatest thing I have ever witnessed in TV. Just classic.
"I do it until it is so annoying you have to leave." So glad that someone has created an international signal to let bitches know that "IT IS FUCKING TIME TO GO."
Plus, "Burgers for the boys" and "Busted" are now fully into my repertoire.
-I'm not a fashion expert (as witnessed by the fact I wear athletic shorts and a t-shirt in almost every aspect of my life) but I'm willing to wager that ripped/cut fabric dresses in bright colors are gonna be mad hott this year, especially on the Shore. J-Woww and Sammy gotta be kinda pissed they wore matching outfits. Awkward
-"I'm fucking done with it" -Snooks, on Ron+Sam.
Vinny: "I want them to be in a loving relationship. With or without each other. More than for me, but for them."
-"I'd rather fuck Pauly before I fuck Ronnie." J-Dubadub, who then reminds herself that she still has Tawm-E.
-"I would rather not admit I was wrong, a bitch and that Ronnie made me look stupid, so I'm just gonna stay pissed at everyone else because they told me Ron was a dick." -This is Sam's reasoning for staying with Ronnie and not regretting her decisions.
-"You aren't supposed to look for a girlfriend, you're supposed to have a good time and see what happens and then you end up with a girlfriend. Well I wasn't looking, but I found a girl, so let's see what happens." -Pauly D (Read this quote aloud as fast as possible after sniffing a caterpillar line of coke in order to get the full effect of how fast Pauly said it).
-"I was on the beach and I had a piece of lint in my hair and Vinny reached up and took it out for me. That was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me." Pauly D, during the Vinny-Pauly D bromantage (BROMONTAGE: copyrighted and starred in case Simmons tries to steal from me. Rocky and Apollo's bromantage just got topped).
I lied earlier, this was the greatest moment in TV history.
I also love that the host asks for the comments from the girls on VD (Vinny + Pauly D, get it? Plus it's what they pass on to girls) and Ronnie adds his two cents. He is now so whipped he has switched teams. What a turnaround from the first few episodes.
-"Do you ever come out and ask (if a girl is DTF)?" -Cheeky Latina Host
MVP in unison: "Yes."
"If you are afraid to ask a girl if she is DTF, then she probably isn't." -Vinny with a life lesson, kids. Pay attention.
-NBA Jam and GoldenEye reduxs. I am getting a Wii. (Also, really glad these came out post-college, or else I never would have gone to class. I wasted enough time on Call of Duty, Halo, NCAA, FIFA and Bigs, but I would have played those two games full-time if they were available. I might actually just attempt to go pro at them now. I'm about to be unemployed anyway, why the fuck not?)
-"It's a close family." -Vinny, after Snooki again discusses how it is "weird" that Vinny is like "her protective older brother" that she fucks. New Jersey basically is West Virginia North? Makes sense.
-I love mad Pauly D. Someone should make a soundboard of just him. One side happy Pauly, one side mad. I think that would be excellent.
-They continue to rag of Jose and his Fossil watch gift. I can't wait to get my future wifey a Fossil watch so she has to put out.
-"(J-Woww) has a camel toe in jeans." -Pauly D, who I think caught and passed Vinny to win the season 2 Most Valuable Guido award. Congrats to him. Just solid quotables, solid game, solid storylines and whenever I think back on Jersey Shore 2.0, I will think of two things:
The NBA season got off to a rousing start last night, with the 3-headed monster playing out like all of LeBron's best Cleveland teams looked. Him playing out of his mind and four other guys standing around unsure of their roles (kinda like what our Three-Headed Blog Squad predicted yesterday). Maybe this will change, and not every team will be as deep and defensively skilled as the Celts, but it showed that as much as things change in the NBA, they remain the same.
Which brings us to the loveable Nuggets of Denver, who are still a dysfunctional bunch of Thuggets (even in their magical run to conference finals two years ago who can forget K-Mart fighting fans/owners?). As the world of the NBA turns, we are sadly getting even more fucked up.
So now, join myself and Mr. "Barrio Bell" Heath (in the blue font) as we go through dickburger that is the Nuggets roster and then offer our lovely predictions about the way this season will go. Or light yourself on fire and have a more enjoyable time.
This was way more fun to write last season, due to the Nuggs looking like contenders so hoping for the reverse-jinx pleasethankyou!
In Numerical Order:
Gary Forbes: -Went off for 25 vs. Phoenix in the last preseason game.
-This may be the whitest name of any player in the NBA. I was wondering why the accountant was listed on the roster.
Oh, I get it. This is like that Episode of Chappelle’s show where they thrust some white-suburban type into a household full of “crazy-ass N-“ and Mr.Forbes here just happened to be selected for the part. Well they certainly sent him to the most dysfunctional NBA household, the next few months should be hell for this guy. Oh, he’s not actually white? I got nothing then.
#1 Chauncey Billups: -I'm going to really enjoy watching him in play for Charlotte, where his veteran poise will be much needed.
-Not going to look forward to him trying to take over games and stealing Ty Lawson's PT.
-He can stay, if he basically moves to a role as a shooting guard.
-The single biggest reason for our 08 ascension and our 09 descension, CBill shot us out of too many games last year, its clear this year will be a baton-pass to Lawson. Sorry CBill, we tried.
#3 Ty Lawson: -Really the only player I am excited for right now.
-Should be the break out player on this roster if he is given PT and doesn't have to fight for shots.
Clearly a year where Lawson is designated to step up, will be one of the few bright spots on an otherwise failing team. Excited to see him kill it but my expectations are suitably tempered.
#4 K-Mart: -I have defended him in past years, and it looked like he turned a corner, but now I never want to see him wear a Nuggs uniform again. Your fucking contract has dragged around our neck for the last 7 years and now you have the audacity to demand an extension. If it weren't for your Hinderburg-esque contract we might have surrounded Melo with some big that could score rather than bigs who get Darrent Williams shot. I hope someone fucks you in Trina's lips on your neck.
-I don’t even know where the fuck to start, this is another nominee for the Chappelle household, voted most likely to charge the stands after getting heckled from the bench while wearing that college-professor brown blazer he stole from the Cherry Creek Goodwill. How does someone go from being responsible for back-to-back Finals appearances to "out-Grant Hilling" Grant Hill in the category named after GRANT FUCKING HILL??
#5 J.R. Smith: -You are fucking stupid. Grow the fuck up and understand how life and basketball work. Your talent is out of this world but so is your brain. You are playing your way into a role as AI's swingman teammate. Hope the Istanbullets have cap space left in three years.
So fed up with this team as a whole, I’m actually the LEAST pissed at JR compared to the rest of these fucks. Don’t get me wrong, I still got him ridin shotty in a future Denver Jail-Blazers esque arrest.
#6 Aaron Afflalo: -I almost forgot he was on the team. I got nothing bad to say. He should turn into a Bruce Bowen type player, but I'm sure it won't be with the Nuggets, as he is exactly the type of player we trade for pennies on the dollar only to watch them blow up elsewhere.
-Speaking of which, sure would be nice to have Marcus Camby right about now.
This is a horrible statement. Marcus Camby is a charter member of Sack's Hall of Hate, residing comfortably in the Jamie Carrol/[Name Redacted] Wing for players on my favorite team I despise (which will be a column coming soon. Also, just jotting down names like Diawara, Najera, Elson, etc. made me realize exactly why Carmelo Anthony hates playing basketball in Denver)
#7 Al Harrington: -"I'm Al Harrington and I get buckets" God, I'm excited to yell that. He hasn't been on the team long enough for me to hate him, but his shoot from the outside and no defense history is not really a combination that tends to win me over.
-Not a bad offseason pickup for the Nugs, should be interesting to watch fit in with what remains of the soon to be tattered Nugs offense. Could be a great addition, provided we keep him away from JR, Balkman, etc.
#11 Birdman: -Get healthy and stay out of the nose candy. You got lucky to get a second chance, don't fuck it up by being lazy. And stop getting hurt.
- At this point, the seasons so fucked I’m actually cheering for him to START doing coke again. The season’s shot, might as well make the implosion worthwhile. Plus, then we’d be able to violate his ass back to jail and recoup our 4 mil from his (no longer) feel-good story havin ass.
#15 Carmelo Anthony: If you really want out, just man up and say it. This "he said-she said" behind the curtain bullshit is fucking weak. Look, your wife has your balls and you want to go back East. Put your cards on the table and tell the Knicks to pony up. Convince them that whatever they offer for you is worth it. If you are the star that you have talked yourself up to be, a legit championship caliber player, then you should be fine. You don't have to dick Denver over in the process like your butt-buddy Bron.
-I slapped Kat Stacks and I want my money.
-Theres not enough space in this article for how much I hate this man. Most angering is the Melo apologists that have surrounded this insane combination of talent and apathy. Perhaps what annoys me the most about this grinning piece of shit is the way we as fans give ourselves and cities over to these basketball specimens.
Just once I want these basketball equivalents of male models to realize the elephant graveyard of every other “can’t tell me nothing” basketball star of the past few decades who is now standing in the welfare line like ODB in 95. Granted I was never too heavy into Melo-cocksucking, but the fact remains that he was the most talented, proven star that we have ever had on our team. He was OUR answer to Lebron, he was OUR permanent stake in the macro NBA media circus. And I can’t say we really got a lot in return. It is my sincere hope that the 2011 collapse of the league as we know it yields heavy playoff-incentive based contracts and the death of a superstar like this. I hate you Melo, I wish Shawn Kemp AND ‘Toine Walkers fate on you.
#23 Shelden Williams: - Does this mean we get dibs on his and Candice Parker's offspring. Because that is going to be a large ugly human. Man or woman, I think it would be better than any Denver big man.
-I thought he was like 35, but he graduated from Duke in 2007 and is only 25.
-“Who is ‘The guy who fucks the MJ of bitch ball,’ Alex.”
A. Notice that they are holding her jersey, not his.
B. That is gonna be a talllll asss babbbby.
#25 Anthony Carter: -How is he still around? And why? What kind of cruel world do we live in where AC is still employed to play gaurd in the NBA. Edy could post him up and hit turnaround jumpers over him all day. He couldn't even start for CSU. I will wager that he has more turnovers than baskets this season.
I will continue my AC apologist duties circa 2007 and cling to him as the one Nugget I truly love. We’ll need him to run the retard relief squad after the Melo trade and following a CBill 2 month injury, cuz its going to happen.
#31 Nene: -Another supremely gifted athlete who underachieves for the Nuggets. Maybe he would have more success with a big that actually can score (like Harrington can), but instead I bet Nene will play passive and get bullied by Pau Gasol. Edy def wins this argument from last year.
Every year I watch this dude telegraph the two post moves he has and then get stripped in the paint, I expect no less this year. The uniballer 2,0 has looked and played like shit for the past 3 years, in fact the only year he didn’t look like a complete liability was when Kmart and Camby were both in the rotation. I think its time we arrange to have him offed in the back room of Fogo de Chao, thus netting us 11.3 mil in cap space savings.
#32 Ronaldo Balkman: Why is he even on the roster? Oh, right, someone needs to carry weed.
-Maybe George Karl will remember he exists this year, even if RB is so baked he isn't sure he exists.
Can we just hair drug follicle test this asshole and peace him already. I’m sick of his elsie the cow looking face and his general demeanor. Hate aside, should we decide to go for the Jail-blazer Award for the year, his, pusher man services may just be needed.
#34 Melvin Ely: There is an NBA player named Melvin? What is this, 1954 when blacks weren't allowed in the lower bowls of the arena? Get the fuck out.
This name sounds so old it brings to mind male-sounding pen names utilized by female writers of the past. I’m holding out hope this is Candace Parker’s own version of a pen-name, reverse Juwanna man style.
George Karl: I do not understand why he is coaching this team. It is clear that Melo and K-Mart are not just metaphorical team cancers, but that exposure to them actually causes cancer. Think I'm hyperbolizing? Jim Boeheim at 'Cuse got cancer after Melo, three people in Bob Huggins family got cancer from K-Mart (Huggy Bear doesn't get cancer because his innards are just Jack Daniels and steal bolts at this point), Nene got the big C from them as well. Shit, George, you better know these guys are gonna be traded, because you've already had too much cancer.
Just learned he wants a long-term extension from the Nuggets. My, what a glutton for punishment you are. What, the daily doses of HULK-Gamma ray quality radiation wasn’t enough for you that you want to subject your sanity to conversations of PRAC-tice with JR, Pusherman Balkman, and Melo’s general disinterest? Get out while you can Georgie K.
Adrian Dantley: I only include the big man for the fact that he lives in the same building with my buddy @LMCSU2008, who lives in Dantley's old apartment in the building I think and still gets his mail. They interact often, and he is nice enough to put AD's best comments on Twitter. Follow him just for that, but he was also kind enough to give me his favorite AD quotes and a breakdown of our apparent Coach in Waiting:
(AD said) "I was lookin for you in Utah, but I couldn't tell one Mormon from another" (then he laughed awkwardly hard at his own joke) or when he was all pissed during the Lakers conf finals and he said they 'Were gonna stomp them n----s out.' Then we got killed.
Bottom line is he talks a lot of shit then let's everyone walk all over him when he gets in the spotlight
Which, if you have followed the Nuggets, is pretty much our entire team does. Especially Melo in the Garden.
Who should we trade Melo for? I think the Italian from NY, a couple draft picks and one of the young bigs, terrible as they are in exchange for Melo and K-Mart would be great. Really, even just draft picks and expiring contracts work. We just gotta get something.
Every day closer to the trade deadline a little more of our trade leverage evaporates. I think I’d be happy for a anything at this point. The Derrick Favors and some number ones package seems more effective to me, allowing the Nuggets to survey the talent it does, or does not, have in what will essentially become a season of exhibition games. Operation NY WOP trade just seems like a grab bag of mediocrity to me. I wish we would have done this deal late last year when the Knicks had a few more players we would have liked a shot at (like David Lee) and giving us a different look at the 2010 free agency market.
Who gets arrested first? Rory, for slapping LaLa at their shared birthday party.
Seriously, I'm gonna go for Lawson for a nightclub altercation.
Birdman coke binge resulting in driving the wrong way down I-25 doing 90. Yeah, our teams so bad I’m wishing relapse on feel good stories.
Season Prediction: This is what I will write next April:
So another Nuggets season ended with a loss in the first round to (circle one) Los Angeles/Oklahoma City. What a frustrating year. Some huge wins over LA and that classic 2OT battle with the Heat. A lot of disappointing losses like that 168-124 loss to Golden State. But at least JR scored 64 in that one, too bad Stephan Curry went for 80 and the equipment manager scored 14 in mop up duty since Golden State only dressed 6 players for the game. After (fill in the following names in some order; Birdman, Nene, K-Mart, Al Harrington) __________ tore his ACL, the arrest of ________ for sexually assaulting a clown, ____________ came down with planters vaginosis and ___________ was suspended for his fight with the one of the Maloof brothers over gambling debts/white girl (real one)/white girl (cocaine) the season was shot (which isn't a pun, sadly, as somehow Marvin Ely actually got shot. No one has bothered to check if he is alive). At least Chauncey gave it a good effort. It was just tough to play a some of those games 4-on-6 when Melo would decide to audition for another team, by literally playing for them. And big ups to David Stern for not giving a shit about any of this, saying "Fuck off, Denver. You know the finals are going to be Heat/Lakers, unless Kobe gets busy with a flight attendent or something, again. I couldn't give a shit about any team not touching a beach. You too OKC, conference finals are as far as you will ever get. I got my best refs on it."
Why should I even bother watching NBA basketball in Denver for the next 10 years, knowing that 4 teams or so will be the only competitive teams? Denver will never get closer to the NBA promised land than last year. Why should I even watch? Really, help me. No, those reading this out there, all four of you, tell me why I should support this team anymore...(silence and crickets...and then it was silent some more)...No one? Fine.
During my intensive NBA betting days of old I used to look for 3 teams at the absolute top and bottom of the league to champion or pick on against the spread. I looked for teams so hopelessly shattered after an early to midseason trade that they couldn’t possibly reset themselves to zero without the aid of an offseason’s worth of free agent acquisitions or trades. We, ladies and genteleman, will become one of those teams so gutted and full of broken pieces that we will get beat by the spread night in and night out on the road (sometimes even at home).
Watching the media’s general coverage of the Nuggets is like those scenes in gangster movies leading up to a big whack; everyone seems a little too calm, smiling just a little too big, trying a little too hard to make everything appear nice and tranquil. That’s fucking us, we’re Joe Pesci’s character in Goodfellas, we’ve had some good runs at the title as a crew, made a little money, fucked some groupie bitches, and now we’re about to get the death mark as a squad for seasons to come.
When we look back on this era of the Nuggets, it will be bigot-ly referred to as “The head-band era” full of supremely gifted teams and heavy dosages of rationalization from the front office and the fans. The sad fact of the matter being that we had no choice but to go along with this all flash, no discipline team, it was all we had. Will we call it growth? Probably not, but I hope we do call it a lesson learned.
“It’s time for a house meeting, I-iiiiight.” Chappelle show.
So you really want to ask me how the weekend went? Here is how well it went: I spent almost $200 on alcohol and actually worked Friday night. I don't know how many different times one can black out in a 36 hour span, but these football games made me do it at an alarming rate.
And if anyone has seen my car, please send it back to me, but not before removing the CSU sticker and Colorado license plates, as they are painful reminders of this sports-rape that I would like to repress.
Oh, I would be so sad that Jersey Shore is coming to an end, but I know that another season just wrapped production and will be beaming out of my television to my eyelids soon. This "fish out of water" idea in Miami has drug on for about 3 episodes too long and has about 60% too much Ronnie/Sam bullshit, but it is still the best thing to watch hungover on Fridaymorning Sunday night after football. I can't wait for these fuckos to be back in the Jersopolis with new characters to meet, grope and love.
We last left our yayed out heroes as they struggled to hook up and bitched at each other, or something. Also, Vin and Pauly were "wifey'd" up. I don't know. This series is about as shocking as discovering another professional athlete cheating on their spouse.
-"Ohhhhhh Yeahhhhh, alligators gonna eat me, yeahhhhh!" -Paul Delvachio -I think that Jenny and Ron should hook up. Both of their aversion to frog legs was cute. And, shockingly enough, a wise decision. Not shocking, something that the Situation ate was disgusting.
-Ohhhh, Ron and Sam get into a fight, ruin half of their night, then make up in half a second. They are both "happy to get through it" as if it was a healthy moment in their relationship. They are kinda like the black knight from "Monty Python," completely unaware at how damaged they are and completely unwaivering from their dedication to fight on despite the great bodily harm they have suffered.
-I wish Snooki would slap Sammy. Maybe fighting Sammy would get her to leave the show, therefore taking the shackles off of Ron.
Speaking of Ronald, he had a sharper second half swoon than Ubaldo Jimenez. #ithurtsmetosayitbutitistrue
-Snooki and Jenny complain about Sammy's attitude after "everything we have done for her." Like write an anonymous letter, lie about writing it, then freeze her out from your friendship. That said, Sammy is still a bigger cunt than Brett Favre.
-Most likely to have skin cancer? Love that Pauly nominates himself.
-"Mike's just mad that Vinny pulled the robbery on his best friend Pauly." -Ron. Vinny pulls the perfect revenge for Sitch's moves to steal his lady, break up the bromance. And since Mike is definitely 20 percent gay, this hurts even more.
-"We know who is the fakest one in the house." -J-Woww to Mike. "I'm not saying it, but someone else said. I mean, I actually said it to you, to piss you off, but I didn't mean it. I mean I meant it, because you are fake, but I'm not saying it, someone else said it about you, but I'm saying it to your face. But not me. Pardon me, I'm gonna go step outside and smoke while you figure out who said you were fake to me, that I clearly didn't say."
I may have elaborated that quote a tad, but J-Woww just pulled the "I'm not saying, I'm just saying" line and simpleton Mike took it hook, line and sinker. By the way, she is clearly the fakest in the house. Her boobs are 150% fake.
-"Yous are all fucking crazy." -Pauly D, summing up the entire show in admirable fashion.
PS, Snookers, what exactly did you anticipate would happen when you ratted on Pauly and Vin to J-Woww. That she would calmly and rationally discuss it? That she would sit on said info and bring it up off air? J-Dubdub is gonna be a pro wrestler, she's gonna get pissed.
-I love that Sammy doesn't say bye to J-Woww. Best thing she has ever done. Passive-aggressive low self-esteem classic move right there. This show could really be used as a teaching guide in every middle school across the nation.
Then it's over. They leave. Go back to Jersey you fucking WOPS. See you next season. I only have one question...
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GELATTO SHOP?
Which may be answered next week in the reunion show, which we have to wait a whole fucking week for. Not that I'm surprised, this is MTV after all, and it is better than waiting until January 6th for another episode. THREE MONTHS without Guidos...no bueno.
I don't get to watch many Avs games, due to the fact that I do not live within the footprint of Altitude and I am far too poor to order Center Ice. Still, that doesn't mean I don't keep up on my boys in Burgandy and Blue ugly ass uniforms.
I avidly read Mile High Hockey and watch highlights, read Dater's bitter blogs and discuss games with my Fasha. And I am so excited to get back to CO this winter so I can watch this young, exciting team in the flesh (and on TV).
So without further aduex, I will now break down everything I know about the Avalanche, by going through the roster. Hint: I don't know a ton about most of these guys, so I might just make shit up.
Coach, Joe Sacco: His name sounds like Joe Sakic, which makes him really good. He should have won Coach of the Year last season, taking a turrible team that failed miserably under Tony Granato and turning them into a playoff team. I expect much of the same improvement this season (talking point sponsored by Coletastrophie).
He has hooked up with over 300 women in the Denver area who only slept with him because they thought he introduced himself as Joe Sakic.
#4 John-Michael Liles: Johnny is very popular, be it with the ladies that love him or other teams that seem to be interested in him. In fact, one of the few people not in love with him was coach Sacco, who benched JML several times last season. It was assumed his future might reside elsewhere this year, but he is off to a fantastic start this season, picking up a point in almost every game. He is the Avs best offensive threat amongst our defensemen, so losing him would be tough. If he could get a little better at not giving up shorthanded goals I think he will have a lovely season.
On a personal note, Liles has always been my favorite Av since a charity hockey game in Aspen in 2004 during the lockout. I was stationed behind the "Avs"bench for the game and all Johnny Hot Pockets did was make jokes about being hungover and yakking up Jaeger and Vodka. That is the easiest way into my heart.
#6 Jonas Halos: I think he is from Norway. He plays defense. His favorite food is Narwal.
#9 Matt Duchene: Otherwise known as Sakic 2.0. Okay, maybe that is a bit much to heap on the youngster, but for the Avs to be competitive for Stanley Cups in the next 10 years, he will have to be the engine that runs this team. He grew up an Avs fan and he should kill it.
Oh, and last season he just happened to put the Avs in the playoffs last year, as if it was preordained.
He is also just 19 years old.
#10 Kyle Cumiskey: For a long time I though he might be the son of Valerie Kamensky, but no. Still, he is maybe the fastest defensemen in the league. Also one of the smaller D-men. Would love to see the roadrunner score a few more goals and not get shoved around all season.
#11 Philippe Dupius: He plays forward and might be related to the Dupuis that plays for Pittsburgh. Or maybe not. Kinda looks like Zoolander. He once killed a man for spelling his first name with only one P.
#12 Kevin Porter: If he scores more goals than me this season I will consider it a success.
#18 Brandon Yip: Scored the game-winner against Detroit earlier this season. Elicited plenty of clever puns based on his last name (Yip-ee Kaye-Ya Motherfucker is my preferred one). He is of Chinese and Irish heritage, so that makes me want to nickname him "Drunken Master."
#19 Joe Sakic: Because he will always be on my Avs.
#21 Peter Forseberg: Again, not really, but he says he might be coming back again, so let's just keep a spot open.
#22 Scott Hannan: He is very hard to like. He kinda looks like a Hobbit. He was much better at hockey when he was allowed to rape players like Peter Forseberg in the pre-lockout years. Much like an offensive lineman, when he plays well you don't notice him, when he sucks it makes your eyes bleed.
He once shot a hockey puck at a goalie only to have it deflect into the stands killing his own mother. That previous sentence isn't true, but it makes it easier to understand his reluctance to shoot if you make yourself believe it.
#23 Milan Hedjuk: Old Mr. Reliable, he will score about 20 goals and put up over 50 points. With an iffy back and older legs, he won't near his early 2000s 50-goal plateau, but his lovely hands make this old Czech a threat to score on any loose puck. A great veteran to have on this young team. Plus he once got ticketed on Highway 82 outside Carbondale for driving 102mph, which is funny because I never got a speeding ticket and I sped down that road every day of my life.
Nasty Nate says he is due for a big year.
#25 Chris Stewart: He is big, fast, strong, good and nasty. That is the perfect combo for a power forward. He broke out last season and I don't think he is going to slow down. Like Yipper he is also one of the rare NHL players that isn't lily-white, which makes me love him 50% more. He is also just 22 years old.
#26 Paul Statsny: He would be a star if he had a little more sizzle, but Statsny is so silky vanilla that you can often miss out on the fact that he is the best player on the ice. His dad and uncles escaped from Communism to play for the Nordiques, making him another perfect fit to play for the Avs. He has been a stud for about 4 years and is only 24. God this team is young and awesome.
His acting in terrible Altitude commercials makes Keanu Reeves look emotive.
#27 Kyle Quincey: He is big and sometimes plays that way. Other times he plays big and pussy. This inconsistency is troubling. He needs to be solid this season if the Avs plan to take another step.
#28 David Koci: He is good at getting knocked out. David Anderson will outscore him this season. He is the reason people hate hockey.
#31 Peter Budaj: He is like that overweight girl that tantalizes you, that you think could always be super hot if she just got a little more confidence and lost a little weight. That at times almost looks good enough to date, but is much better off as a slumpbuster on nights no one is really paying attention. He is great to have as a back-up for the 10 games a year where Anderson doesn't want/need to play, but he will never be a starting NHL goalie.
#34 Daniel Winnik: A big grinder that we stole from the bankrupt Phoenixes. A good PK guy and a perfect 3rd/4th liner. Put in a couple big goals this year.
#37 Ryan O'Rielly: A second-round pick last year, no one expected him to make the team, but he became one of the Avs top defensive forwards last year. He is also 19. That means he was born in 1991. That is stupid young.
FUN FACT: There are only 13 players on the Avs roster older than me. HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA DIE SOON!
#39 TJ Galliardi: Young, tough, scrappy and exactly the kind of player that you have to have on a good team. Isn't excellent at any one thing, but is good at everything. He is awesome.
#41 Craig Anderson: He is everything to this team. With the number of pucks we let in on net and the open style we play, he needs to keep on playing great hockey or else we are fucked. Might be the best free agent pick-up ever to come to Colorado in any sport.
In one of his rare games on the bench last season he still faced 20 shots even though Budaj was in net. Teams just love shooting at him.
#44 Ryan Wilson: Kind of came from nowhere last year to become one of the biggest hitters in the NHL. Got some concussion problems, so hopefully he can recover because the Avs need his physical presence. He is fucking awesome to watch. And only 22.
# 52 Adam Foote: The old man keeps on keeping on. I don't know how, considering I am faster on skates and I can't even skate backwards, but he knows the angles and has that old man strength that can't be beat. So great having him around to teach our youngins how to play.
He actually doesn't have nose cartilage anymore, it is just Play-Dough and wire stuck up in there.
#54 David Jones: Another big, fast forward. He was having his breakout season last year until injury. If he stays healthy and produces it will be aweome. Plus we can make Davey Jones' Locker jokes. Harf harf.
#55 Cody McCleod: The Highlander is the perfect tough guy who still possesses a modicum of skill. He will fight often, hit people hard and stick up for teammates. One of those crazy, toothless cunts every team needs. Any goals he picks up are a bonus, but he will add about 10.
He east raw octopus every day to remain pissed off at Detroiters.
#88 Peter Mueller: I really don't know if he exists. I never saw him play for the Avs last season, but it seemed that he was involved in every goal for the 3 weeks or so he spent on the roster before gentlemanly Rob Blake concussed him with a dirty shot. He has a soft head, and got another one in the Avs first preseason game.
He is especially great on the power play and his point play is something that the Avs need desperately. When he returns and the Avs will fit him with one of Gazoo's helmets.
Prediction: Just writing about all these guys made me realize just how awesome this team is, and how awesome they will be. They are so young and talented. I feel that they should win the Northwest this year and win at least one playoff series. I know the Avs have struggled since the lockout and fan support has tailed off as well, but I think these Avs are capable of capturing Denver's attention again. They certainly have mine.
Sometimes a picture really does tell the whole story. CSU swarmed the bitchmade Rebels, stomping them down in every way (minus some shitty special teams). Finally. The first blowout win I have seen for CSU since...since...I guess the 2004 victory over UNLV (which I for some reason watched on TV in the dorms. Man I was a wasted idiot freshman year).
Ohhh, that was fun. I finally actually got to watch CSU win a game this season. I didn't know how to react, as all our alumni (all 15 people) who showed up at Kristy's bar to watch kept reacting in shock to the score. Winning is so much more fun.
I know UNLV sucks, but we didn't sneak by them, we pounded them. Finally this team showed some signs of talent and drive, something Coach Fair kept saying he saw in them, but something I was missing.
Will we have a chance vs. Utah? Probably not, they are in fact the 9th best team in the nation. Still, these Rams haven't given up on the season and I really don't expect them to. BYU, New Mexico, and Wyoming are all teams we should expect to beat, while SDSU and Utah are games were I would love to see us stay competitive. No more blowouts, mmmmckay?
Broncos: Much like the Indianapolis game, the Broncos outplayed a top-flight team and figured out a way to fuck themselves. You can't give away points in the NFL and expect to win. Denver fucked up a field goal and missed another. Then a very shitty PI call and a shitty snap dicked us. Weak.
Denver could have been up big at half and forced the Jets to be one-dimensional in the second, which would have really made them no-dimensional since Sanchize sucks cock at football. I mean, he missed a lot of open receivers all day. Brian Griese-esque.
Instead of 3-3 and the division lead down to a game, we now sit at a hard luck 2-4. Nothing is decided, since our division does suck, but this loss really hurts. It makes next week against Oakland a must-win. If we lose to those cunts from Oakland I will start preparing for the draft, where we will probably trade up to take the most annoying asshole in college football again (Cam Newton so far is the front-runner, to complete McDaniels goal of an all-QB offense).
Speaking of former Florida assholes, the great Tebow finally did something. Scoring the most God-like 5-yard touchdown ever. Which is exactly what he should be doing, since every other Bronco who runs the ball hits the hole like with as much aggression as McLovin.
(Warning: Ranty) Speaking more of Tebowner, ESPNews actually teased the Broncos-Jets game as such: "See if the Jets had enough to overcome a career day from Tim Tebow." Are you fucking kidding me? This is like the 3rd game he has actually played, of course it's a career game. You know who had a true career game? The fool from New Orleans who came from nowhere to rush for a buck-thirty. It has become clear 97% of my hatred for Tebow is just misplaced hatred of ESPN (2% his super-religiousness, .5% being from Florida and .5% because he knows Erin Andrews better than I). Tebow and ESPN are very similar, as I dispise many things about each of them, but they are integral parts of my life I cannot live without.
/Ummmm, rant over.
Nuggets: Melo is still a Nugget. We are losing to Minnesota, which is inexcusable, even in the preseason.
Wizards: Bullets: Gilbert Arenas just keeps on pissing people off, that is bad. But Washington may change back to the Bullets name next season. Awesome. Nuggets, you are on notice that I may be vacating my fandom soon.
Hippots from Boulder: That is a mix of hippy and faggots, which I think surmises CU peoples. Anyway, I watched the end of their loss to Baylor and I must say they ran the worst 2-minute drill in history. God I hope they manage to eak out 7 wins this season to save Hawkins job. I have nightmares of them landing Mike Leach and it makes me want to cry.
Avs: A 3-2 East Coast trip. And a dub over the Red Wings. Gotta love that start to the season. I swear I'll get my preview up soon.
Baseball: Go Rangers. I hate every other team. Antlers up.
Soccer: Liverpool blows ass. I refuse to get up a 5am to watch SHITE like that. And now they are owned by the guys who run the Red Sox. Can't wait for pink Liverpool jerseys.
Baseball redux: Actually, fuck the Rangers because of Tom Hicks (old Liverpool owner) and W. I guess I will just root for the Yankees, because who gives a shit if they win another title. It really doesn't mean shit anymore. You aren't better at baseball, you are just better at having more money and buying other teams good players. Congrats, caulksponges.
Life: I have two more months out here in San Diego and in that span I will be busy. Halloween (where I will be Rexs, plural. Rex from Toy Story and also Rex Ryan. Halloween is like 4 weeks long out here, gotta have a back-up costume), CSU-SDSU (which doubles as my birthday weekend), Broncos-Chargers game, Thanksgiving and a trip to Vegas with my German friends (I plan on eliminating all the gin and jews. Get it?). I may not have a lot of time to blog during that stretch, but on the other hand, I might have a whole lot of crazy stories that need to be told.
Well, folks, we are one episode away from the...DRAMATIC SEASON FINALE!!! AND DRAMATIC POST-SHOW!!! I almost don't have enough exclamation points!!!
We last saw Mike being a giant, coked out d-bag. He even slapped Snookers. Oh for shame. Vinny was getting his love groove on and no one else was really doing much of anything.
In important off the show news, South Park did a wonderful parody of the Jer-Z peoples and J-Woww makes her pro-wrestling debut this weekend, raising the ages old question, which is more scripted, rasslin' or reality TV.
-We start with Mikey all bitchy, making everyone leave the club because Vinny's girl turned him down. He apologizes the next morning, while Vinny gets to smush. Good for Vinsanity. I'm glad your dreamgirl is a whore who dances in a trendy, douchy nightclub. So is mine. Mike apologizes to Snooki by dry humping her.
-"Awww, Vinny, you're in love?" asks Sammy. "Naw, I don't believe in that." -Vin, with the pimp line of the year, even if it is a dirty lie.
-"He is like my big brother. I trust him. But you usually don't have sex with your big brother." -Snooki, on Vinny.
No you don't, but I'm sure, based on Snooki's looks and intelligence, inbreading is not a new phenomena in her family. Just saying.
-"Junk." -J-Woww. "What? I am drunk, I don't give a fuck." -Snooki. She is so distraught about the loss of Ryder, until...
Yeah, great plan by J-oww to distract her with cock. That always works.
-"This girl looks like a fucking whore." -Snooki, on J-Woww's super hookery outfit that would make trashy hookers blush.
Then J-Woww asks Snooki's opinion. Snickers responds, "You look amazing." Lying ass bitches.
As well, Snooki calling anyone a whore breaks the hypocrite scale.
-"If you got the fattest gear, and no one can come into your atmosphere, then you're part of t-shirt time, until we yell 'Cab's here.'" -Vinny. I tell, there will most certainly be a "T-Shirt Time" song within the next 3 months.
-"It is 3:15, we just got here, and somebody pissed on my parade already." -Ron. God I need to party in Miami and Vegas some more. Places that don't close are so titty. Also, I am deeply saddened that Ronnie didn't get involved in the aggro-ness. He hasn't layed out one person all year. WEAK!
-"You should've found an easier girl." -Random slutty whore. "I know, I should have." -Situation.
Look, I don't mean to make a joke out of rape, but in this case I think it almost should have be allowed. I mean, if you leave a club at 3:30 am with guys, go back to their house, wearing tiny dresses and get into BED WITH THEM, you are asking to be fucked. Every action you have made has said you want to have sex, you shouldn't be able to back out at the last instant. It is like planning a terrorist attack, buying all the chemicals, picking out a target, getting to the building you want to blow up, then getting arrested and then saying, "No, I wasn't actually gonna go through." No one would believe your ass and you would still get charged as a terrorist, but when it comes to sex everyone is like, "Yeah, that girl really didn't want it." Bullshit.
-"I need someone to take one for the team, jump on the grenade, even difuse a bomb if necessary. You know, it is a war out there." -Pauly D.
-"Pauly and Vinny were both there all wifey'd up." -Sammy, with her first quotable. EVER. Fucking whore.
-"Snooki want SMUSH_SMUSH Firemen." Of course even the most noble gesture by Mike causes fucking chaos.
-"I'm exotic." Says desperate for attention Sam. "You look Asian. I like it." -Ron.
Somehow this sparks their 10,000,000,000th break up. Can he just kill her, please?
-Like we really needed a chalkboard breakdown to figure out that these people's sex lives are more tangled than 10 Ipod buds run through a washing machine. You are all whorey whores.
-"Two blondes from Canadia." -Mike.
-Yet again, why the fuck is this whore even at the house if she doesn't want SMUSH?
I understand why the Situation would be pissed at these cunts who won't fuck, but he could show a little tact and help Pauly out. Take them out to the hot tub, or cook them some food or just chill on the couch with them while Pauly gets his D in. These girls might even decide to hook-up with you later if you give them a little attention, not just pull them into a room with single beds a few inches apart. Not everyone likes boning just feet from their friend/sister.
On the same token, I like that he is making these girls feel like shit for being the blue balling bitches they are. But he could wait five minutes while Pauly slides it in, then kick both girls out in even more hilarious fashion.
Next week: ON THE DRAMATIC FINALE...we get way too much Ron and Sammy, Pauly unleashes his foghorn voice on Snooki/J-Woww, Mike has a threesome with a very tranny looking whore (again?) and someone dies (I hope).
