Month of April Sack-Up: Draft, #Rapril, Nuggs & More

So, it appears I didn't do a lot of blogging in March and April, but shit, I was busy trying to find a job and I felt that blogging may not have been the best tactic. Also, I was getting drunk a lot. These things are unrelated, I'm sure.

Still, a lot has happened in the last month that I care to discuss, so hop on you hosehounds, we're going to catch up rapidly:

Since you last heard from me...Obama sonned Trump (and got his Call of Duty on on some other fool who then went deep sea diving), Eddie Royal got married and it was a big deal, Godzilla attacked Japan and God decided it was past time for Bama & Auburn fans to give up the souls they sold for back-to-back championships.  Other than that, pretty slow. 

NFL Draft: With all the crazy lockout nonsense going on, this kinda snuck up on everyone. And the damn Panthers decided to draft Vince Young  Cam Newton, because when you have a shot at a quarterback that is stupid, immature, a convict has questionable accuracy and a sketchy entourage, you just have to take them and throw about $40 mill at them. Somewhere JaMarcus Russell is laughing (but only because he be on that lean and them flashing blue lights is TRIPPPAY).

Anyway, no one cares about the Panthers anyway, we are here for the Broncos talk. And dammit if John Elway-God didn't throw a fucking home run in this draft. Von Miller was so happy he could of shit. That's the passion I like in my pass rushers. And his Twatter handle is @millerlite40. That is awesome. (Speaking of 40 oz. in my lap freezing my balls, I did 40 hands in Von's honor on Saturday and finished in 25 minutes. That is pretty fast considering it was like 2 in the afternoon after about 5 beers. Sadly, according to my Scotish friend Scotland, the record is 7 minutes. BY A GIRL).

Rahim Moore also got pretty choked up while on stage, and I think he has a great name for a saftey. You just got Rahim-ed up. Boom!

Would you look at that, Joshy McD, we actually drafted some defenders, what a novel fucking concept.  And on top of that, guys that were actually productive in college and went to succesful schools (and if you pop off about Nevada not being successful, go chinch with Osama). PS, that is 6th Round pick Virgil Green, who is super high in that picture and also a black man named Virgil.

Plus, Elway-God and Tebus Christ are bonding, so soon we will have a super quarterback.

You know, if the NFL ever comes around again.



#RAPRIL: A very fun month of Rockies baseball, and this team could still get a whole lot better. We are comfortably in first, and so far; Cargo can't hit, Ubaldo can't pitch, 3rd base is still a hole (and not the good kind), Street is living on the edge and we've almost been no-hit like seven times. And still, we be cool.

Hopefully things straighten out in Ray and we just keep on cruising. Usually the Rockies tend to heat up as the weather does, so fucking Colorado needs to get it's shit together and pump out some more 80 degree days so I can take off my shirt and drink beer and yell at Juan Pierre in center field (inside joke for all 10 people at the Rocks-Diamondbacks game with me).

Next year, totally making purple shirts with #RAPRIL on them. Put your money down now, I'm totally good for it.

Nuggtober Ends Early: I went on a pretty epic Twitter rant about the officiating in this series and will discuss it in more detail with the Dream Team in fucking July or whenever the NBA playoffs finally end, but the Nuggets got so shafted I just can't even invest in the NBA playoffs anymore. The double-standard and wildly inconsistent calls kill me. And I know a lot about those things, as I currently ref two nights a week. I'm pretty bad, but I think I could take Dick Bevetta in a ref off.

Since I won't be watching basketball, I'll be fighting my lovely new roomate Rocky and his master Eric for control of our super huge new TV (not actually ours in any way, all his) so I can watch...

HOCKEY: Which even though the Avs were awful, is much more exciting because it is almost always settled on the ice and overtime happens pretty much every night.

"Oh these NBA playoffs are awesome, so competitive and so much talent." -Every douchebag ever.

It only took about 40 games before the first overtime, you know how many overtime Stanley Cup games have been played this year? I'm not sure, but there has been at least one every night, so I can assume it's somewhere close to a fuck-ton.

Plus, skates, sticks and missing teeth look way cooler than tatoos and Kobe. Cheer for BRO-Vechkin and the Bruins, and not the Red Wangs.

Premier League: Hockey games too competitive for you? Well soccer won't be any better. Shit is getting real. My boy Torres is finally score again (not a typo, I think you have to do it more than once to say "scoring"). Barca and Real Madrid will play 4 times in 17 days (and even trophies commit suicide when Barca doesn't win). Liverpool is finding it's form once again and making a late Champions qualification bid. Clint Dempsey is the best EVAR at Fulham. Chelsea is poised to catch Manchester U in the last couple weeks. Drama-drama errawhere.


Charlie Sheen and #Manday: Nothing to do with sports, but this is how I spent my epic weekend. Full report soon.

Bacon cups and such,

Sack

Jersey Shore Hook-UPS: Season 3, Episodes 10-Reunion Super Deluxe Edition

So, it would appear that I took a little time off from the whole blog thing. Or I died. Fortunetly it is only the former. So I'm back, back from a Vegas vacation, the NCAA Tournament, time spent job hunting (and the crippling depression resulting from failure in said endeavor), from banging randos and losing my phone, yes back from all of that to jump headlong into like 4 Shore episodes and then get cracking on some actual sports crap.

This recap will tread a little lighter on the quotes and focus more on general snarkiness at "pivotal moments."

Episode 10: Cheese
Synopsis: Ronnie comes out like a Stage 5 clinger, following dumbass Sammy around like a lost puppy. "We're done," she says over and over, but Ronnie doesn't understand what this means, much in the same way professional athletes and toddlers don't understand what no means. It means no.


-The plumbers finally come (Snooki thinks the fat one is hot) and are surprised that they don't have maggots (but can maggots get maggots?) and are surprised to find that someone (aka Vincenzo) flushed a wifebeater down the drain. Why would someone do that? Who the fuck knows?

The meatballs give Mike a cheese bed, which causes him to not bang some girl due to her stank box, but he does let her give him head. We then get a nice PSA message to let everyone know that you can get STD's from oral sex, which Mikey apparently didn't know. You know how football players are donating their mashed up brains to science so we can learn more about the extreme damage that concussions cause? Well, I really hope Sitch donates his penis, so we can learn to fight the superHerps that are growing on his member.

Quote of the Night: "Wanna see my dwuck-phwone?" -Pauly D, to some whore.

Hook-Ups: Vinny- 2 (which pisses off Snooki), PaulyD- 1, Mike- 1.

Most Valuable Guido: Situation, because THE MORE YOU KNOW!

Episode 11: Gym, Tan, Find Out Who Sam is Texting (clever fucking title):
Highlights: The Situation let's dogs shit all over the place, which is the biggest cry for attention at all time. Not a funny prank.

-Vinny takes Pauly home to meet la familia. Those guys are really taking their bromance to a new level. Sam pumps the breaks on Ron-Ron.

-Vinny turns himself black, which is really is true race. On the way back Roger does "the dip," pissing off J-Woww. Ronnie immediately comes up with excuses for Rod-Gah, and Sammy does the perfect victim routine by agreeing.

-There is a water balloon fight. It is actually entertaining.

-Could someone please edit these episodes without Ronnie and Sammi in them? I would pay like $10/episode.

-I love that they spread the rumor all around the group before telling Sammi or Ron. It's like they learned nothing from Miami. Oh wait, I'm sure they didn't.

Quote of the Night: "If this relationship continues, I'll kill myself." -Pauly D, stating the nation's thoughts exactly.

Hook-Ups: Snooki- 1, Pauly D: 1 (kinda off camera).

Most Valuable Guido: The fucking dogs, God what a shitty episode.

Episode 12: A House Divided
Synopsis: Pauly holds Vin's hand while he gets his ears pierced. Really this is getting out of control.

-Jenny confirms that guys who ride Harleys or drive big cars have small penises.

-The stalker shows up to get more abuse from Pauly. I hope she shows up in Italy.

-Ron and Sam smush. Sun rises. Bird fly. They will fight later. They are the Pittsburgh Pirates of relationships.

-Vinny gets gangster. Shits all over some grenades, Snookers and then Sammi. Kinda acting like a doucher, but dumb shit happens when you're drunk and cockblocked.

Quote(s) of the Night: "Can you give her a ride now?" -Pauly "Can you give her a ride later?" -Vinny. Wowwww, that is cold blooded.

"All right, come on Snooki." -Gangster Vincenzo.

Hook-Ups: Off-Camera hook-ups for Vinny & Pauly, apparently.

Most Valuable Guido: Vinny. The kid was out of fucking control.

Episode 13: At the End of the Day
Synopsis: J-Woww's dad needs his own reality show. What makes that guy tick? How did he end up with a daughter like J-Dubs? Is he a famous musician? Artist? Pedophile?

-Deena busts out a whole lotta blockage of Vin's cock. He gets really bitchy. I really can't place much blame on Deena here. She gotta protect both her friends, but again, she should really stop having whorey friends if them being whores causes problems.

And Vinny really crossed the line with the Angelina dig.

-Say what you want about Mikey's rabble-rousing and underhandedness, but that kid is always the shoulder that Ronnie ends up crying onto, always the guy that is there for the hard times. Sure, he probably caused it, but he'll help get you out of it. Probably not because he likes you, but at least he'll be on camera.

-Ronnie again repeats his mantra of not falling in love at the Shore, but maybe he should stop looking at the same dumb whore for love?

Quote of the Night: "That rug is a symbol for Ron and Sam's relationship." -Mikey, pointing to the shit and piss covered centerpiece of the lovely Shore house.

Hook-Ups: I don't think anyone got a new one in.

Most Valuable Guido: Jenny's father.

Reunion: 
Synopsis: Vinny and Pauly are indeed getting married. Who says you can't find true love on a reality TV show?

-We discover that clearly Mike loves to have sex with himself and he struggles to work a bra. He also doesn't know how condoms work. And he made $5 million last year. I made about $15,000. Life is unfair.

-It is a Snitchuation Nation. I'm surprised he hasn't jumped on the chance to start a TMZ style gossip site.

-Deena totally liks assholes.

-"You still get a little emotional about this." -Stupid Joliesa the host, to Ron and Sam. Gee, you fucking think?

"You should make out." Pauly.

-Wait, MTV is just randomly throwing a Spanish Tylenol commercial at me? As if I wasn't embarrassed enough to watch this show.

Most Hook-Ups: Vinny with 7*. Congrats, but do to MTV's shitty editing we missed several

Guido of the Year: Vinny. From most bedpost notches, to fucking with Snookers, to his escalating bromance, to his non-stop sarcastic humor, Vinny was just on point this season. He just barely edges out Pauly, and basically they will share the award, like they share everything.

Honorable Mention: The Situation, just for his Trump Roast bomb.

LVG: Ron, for crying like a bitch in a record 15 straight episodes.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 9 Kissing Cousins

When we last saw the Jersites, it appeared that Sammy might be on the comeback trail. And this is America, and we do love a good comeback, but not from a stupid whore. Hopefully this doesn't come to fruition. 

-"Could you not be the worst cuddler ever?" -Snookers, just kicking some fool out of bed and out of the house.  Pimp hand strong!  Then she lines up another one. This fails. Pimp hand weak.

-Emo Ronnie is super emo.  Then he calls his daddy.

-"I'll stay another hour, because I know that she (Deana) took a shit and he (Sitch) bought a vehicle." -Pauly.  There is no way that this purchase of a Fitty motorcycle will end badly. Great entertainment ahead.

-Ronaldo Sr. has a super sweet stache.  That is what Ronnie needs in order to get back to being boss.  Sr. is a pretty good father, actually giving sound advice to his kid.  Now, if only he could get Junior to lay off the juice.

-"Snooks keeping it in the family." -Ronnie, actually laughing and behaving human.

-"There's no good, quality guys in Seaside." -Snooks, telling the truf.

-"They should have smushfest and get it out of the way...No feelings." -Pauly, on Snook and Vin. Because that always works.

-What an awesome prank...you spend hundreds to send some whores to Times Square.  IF you stuck them with the tab, then it would be pretty funny.

"Someone pulled a prank on me, now I'm gonna get them good," by not talking to them and eating dinner alone -Situation. Awesome prank No. 2!

-"It makes me realize what a gluttonous piece of shit I am." -Vinny. Touche.

-"Now he has to bang me, to earn my friendship back." -Snooki, on Vinny.

-"Snooki and Deena have once again showed why they defy the law of intelligence." Says a guy who spent hundreds of dollars to "prank" those dumb whores and was just ditched by his friends for being a selfish dick.

-"Hi Sammy," -Pauly. Ronald: (Exit stage left). Wish it was Ronald: (Chokeslams Sammy into coffee table).

MVG: Situation, I guess, but really a lackluster showing by everyone. Though, after his terrible season, a couple of "pranks" give him the dub.

Bed Post Notches: None. Wizzi-Izzi-Eak. Shit's weak.

Next week: Ronnie cries and acts like a bitch.  Lots of shit (literally).  Snooki kills herself (hopefully).

Melo Traded...Finally: I Not Even Mad Anymore

I want to have seething hatred for Melo. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I watch Nuggles games and see him clearly not giving a shit and I throw things. Plenty of times this season I have skipped on a Nuggos game to do anything else, rather than be put in the weird position of cheering for a player with two feet out the door. We knew Melo wanted to be a Knick and it clearly rankled Denver fans. We booed. We started fake twitter accounts to mock him (and his wife). Even though I laughed at it all and wanted to get my anger to Cutler levels, I can't say I really hate Melo, or even wish failure on him.

Even though the Melo-Denver relationship ended poorly, to say the least, we had some pretty good moments. Besides a brief moment in 94-95, once Melo joined the Nuggs out of 'Cuse, the Nuggets finally mattered in the NBA (at least during my life). We got new, powder blue uniforms and a legit NBA star. We made the playoffs every year. The most clutch late-game scorer in the NBA won us 13 games in the final 10 seconds, including the famous no-foul dagger vs. Dallas in 2009. We were two inbounds passes from playing Orlando for a championship.
There were plenty of lows, which have been documented all too well (Recap: Snitching, DUIs, brawls in the Garden, LaLa, etc.). Which is why I think a fresh start is better for both parties: Melo goes "home" to adoring fans, gets to thrive in D'Antoni's offense and join Amare & CP3 in the top-heavy East. The Nuggets get a ton of assets to rebuild in a Western Conference that will soon be wide open (Spurs, Mavs and Lakers are old. OKC is talented, but unproven. Everyone else is pretty much fucked or will soon be fucked) and some talented youngins that are NBA proven.
And the only way that we will ever end up playing Melo in anything meaningful is an NBA championship, which would actually be pretty fucking epic.

Even with this good will, Denver fans are not used to stars wanting out, not used to being the jilted lover, and many will hold a grudge (I'm anticipating a boo filled Christmas day match-up). Denver is a place everyone wants to be (look at all the goddamn Texans, Wisconsinites and Californicators) and we support our teams. Sometimes we may lose out on a prime star in free agency (A-Rod comes to mind) but usually Denver's star players enjoy the city and they leave a legend (Sakic, Roy, Elway-God) or they leave because our management fucked up (Mutumbo, Chris Drury, Big Cat).

Now, four times in three years, a legitimate star has been deleted from our town because apparently they wanted nothing to do with Denver (B-Marsh, Cuntler and Melo & Holliday). It hurt the most with Cutler, because we didn't see it coming. Marshall wasn't too surprising, we always knew he was crazy and Divacievers bounce around the league as a rule. Holliday wanted to get that cash, and we saw it more as greed for his departure, plus we got the Cargo in return.

Once it came to Melo, we all pretty much abandoned hope a couple months after The Decision, when Melo refused to renew with us. This lead to an awkward 8 months, where every true Nuggets fan knew Melo was gone and we had to put up with him. Instead of play nice, like we did with Holliday (and to a certain extent with Marshall), Nuggets fans decided to let him know that he was free to go, as Melo's actions clearly dictated his intentions even if he lied right to our faces.

But I do have to give him some props; he played hard almost every night (and really, took off games no more than he has his entire career), gave us a few good memories and at least feigned enough interest in staying/Jersey that the Knickerbockers had to go all in.

So good luck in the East Melo.

Meanwhile, I'll welcome the 4 new Nuggies with everything I know about each of them:
Danilo Gallinari: -Will be surprise celebrity guest on Season 5 of Jersey Shore.


Wilson Chandler: -Has two first names.

Timofey Mozgov: Is famous for trying to accesorize by placing Blake Griffin's balls on his face, a trend that I am sure will sweep the NBA in the coming seasons.
-Will hopefully be traded to Jersey (and into the loving Russion arms of Prokorov) for some draft picks.

Raymond Felton: -Is a quick point guard with a below average outside shot from UNC. Which, is kinda redundant due to the presence of Ty Lawson on the Nuggs.

2014 NBA Draft Pick: You are currently 15 or 16 years old, so good luck on that driving test.


Oh, you may have noticed that I haven't written at all about our other departing souls, because all I really have to say is, meh. Chauncey is classy, but he was holding Ty back, too expensive and old as fuck. AC can go die. All the Green Crosses in Denver will miss Balkman. I never saw Shelden Williams make a single shot for the Nuggs.

So yeah, I'm not gonna miss any of the Nuggets who just bounced, and the Nuggets future is bright, so let's hope they don't fuck it up, again.

And Melo and I will always have our drunken night two weeks ago at Chicago Louie's hot dog kart. I'll remember him every time I attend an ugly sweater Christmas Party:

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 8 The Great Depression

Last week, I hung out with real celebrities and then watched Sammi leave the shore...so basically, the best night EVAR!!!! Tonight, I went to an alumni mixer (yep, some school let me gradumatate) and then got drunker, but I didn't forget about my Shoretards. I found them with maximum Internet searching. So enjoy, the fruits of my labor.

-We begin with the Situation attempting to spread some cheer. It is retarded: "Listening to Mike talk about relationships is like (long pause) listening to a sailor talk about flying a plane." -Ronnie.

-Sam complains about Ron's abuse, but I seem to remember her hitting him. Yeah, he went Jihad Terrorist on her at the end, but she struck first.

-Jenny can hardly hide her smile while discussing Sammi. What a bitch! Love her. Ronni is still a bitch, crying like a twatty twat.

-"Team Meatballs: 1, Team Bromance: 0." -D-Na. I don't need to even make a joke about Snook and Deena calling themselves meatballs after throwing cake in Vin's face (witty). Even though I just did.

Vinny then tries to poo-pillow the whores, but apparently doesn't notice their fat asses hiding under the beds, even though the beds are about and extra foot high in the air with those fat assed whores underneath.

After this fails, Vinny lynches Crocadilly. Which is in no way racist.

-"I want Nicole to suffer." -Vinny. According to Nicole, all you have to do is try to stick your Seabiscuit in her. But that is equal punishment for Vin.

-"His name isn't Situation...but his name is now Snitchuation." -Vinny. No wonder everyone on the cast now hates him.

-"The toilet is clogged...because I live with farm animals." -Vinny, who would clearly be a hound. Sitch is a rat. Snooki is a bunny. Jenny is a stud horse. Deena is a heifer. Pauly is a border collie. Ronnie is a pig. I spent six seconds on these, but I think they work.

I was unaware that Vinny was related to Mario and Luigi, but it makes sense.

-Ronnie clogs the toilet, then goes and cries. HAHAHA. "Ronaldo!" -Snooki, who really needs to shite.

-So we moved all of Sam's shit, but forgot a bag. Instead of learning from the whole honesty note, we again lie. If it was up to these whores, we would have a Holocaust every week.

-"Have a coffee, then it will flow out of your butt like a friggin' rainstorm." -Snooks, so polished, to DeeeeeeNa, who can't pooooo.

-"They're are yours, because you touched them." -Ron, to dirty ass Deena, who clearly owns the soiled panties.

"They're not mine, because mine's are red." -Pauly.

-"If she Jersey Turnpiked it would be the best (mufled)." -Jenny, about D-Na's sewage problem, theorizing on the possibility of a code brown.

-"Girls that are my ex-girlfriend are smart enough not to beleive the Situation's shit." -Pauly.

-Props for Snooks trying to explain to Ronni that his relationship is shit. Too bad he is too tarded to figure it out.

-"I meet this little Mario brother." -Snooki, two Super Mario references in an episdoe. I expect Lemiuex make an appearance soon.

-"I wanna go home." -D-Na.

"Everyone loves you, don't go home, idiot." -Vinny, always sensative.

-Ronnie threatens to rape Deena's teddy bear and says she is like the little sister he never wanted, so he is going to keep fucking with her. She is so thankful for his support. The disconnect from reality again reaches levels previously though unattainable.

-Vinny's c-block revenge tactic is a little timid. If you are gonna go for it, you gotta go hard. Look at all those fat bitches, they don't half ass the cock-block, they do it big.

-"I have no idea what this kid's name is, so I might as well give him an ugly name." Like Bernard. Which is an ugly ass name.

-"Don't cry." -D-Na, to Ronnie. HAHAHAHAHAHA. What a puzie.


MVG: Vinny. Pranks war, check. Hook-up, check. Mocking Mike and Ron, check. Plumbing, check. It isn't a dominant effort, but in a half-assed episode, he pulls it out.

Bed-post Notches: Vinny, 1 (4, in the lead). Snookers (2).

Next Week: That whore returns. Snooks looks for dick. Mike sends the Meatballs to New York. I don't get drunk. One of these is a lie (Hint: It's the last one).

Sack Suggests: Things I Like, So Of Course You Will Too

I'm chock full of awesome. I have many friends. I do pretty awesome stuff. I'm pretty interested in myself, and what better way to be self important than to share my awesomeness with my friends. The following are all things I have recently enjoyed, be it food, music or books.

I hope you like it as much as I do...because you will.

TV:
Archer: The funniest show on TV. If you aren't watching, I really don't like you.

Food:
Mexican Pork: Get a crock pot. Get a nice sized pork shoulder. Add a few cups of water. Turn crock pot on low for about 8 or more hours. Place pork in fridge until fat solidifies. Rid yourself of that fat. Put pork back in crock pot for another couple hours with one big jar of salsa and whatever else you want (I go with jalapenos, chilis, hot sauce, black bean and corn). Let it cool. Eat in burritos, eat in tacos, eat in on nachos, etc.


4 Loko Chili:

P.S. They are now selling 4 Loko minus the energy. This is some bullshit. You know how to counter this P.C. crap? By 5-Hour Energy and dump that shit in. NEXT LEVEL DRINKING MANEUVER.


Roasted Tomato Pasta: Easy peasy and delicious. I would recommend for a date, but it's heavy on the garlic. But I love garlic, so making with a garlic woman would be tits. Plus, then I know she ain't no vampire.

What you need; about 10-12 Roma Tomatoes, a clove of garlic (crushed or minced), Italian Dressing, crushed red pepper flakes, salt, pepper. Whatever pasta you like (fettuccine is bawse)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Wash and halve tomatoes. Cover a large baking tray with aluminum foil. Place tomatoes on foil flat side up. Mix about 1-2 cups of Italian dressing, tablespoon red pepper, teaspoon of salt & pepper together. Put about a teaspoon of this mixture on each tomato. Drizzle remaining sauce over tomatoes.

Cook tomatoes 45min to 1 hour, until the tops start to brown. In the meantime, get your pasta cooked, and whatever side you want. Once tomatoes and pasta are done, mix about 1/2 cup of dressing and some more red pepper in a large bowl. Place 1/2 of the tomatoes in bowl, and then mash. Then, dump in pasta and toss. Place remaining tomatoes on top. Serve with a red wine, I recommend a nice 2009 Charles Shaw Merlot aka 2 Buck Chuck.

If the pussy isn't glossy at that point, better slip something in the vino.

Drank:
El Generalisimo: In a large pint glass half full of ice, mix equal parts Tequilla and whiskey (my favorites; Evan Williams and Jose Cuervo) until the glass is roughly 2/3 full of booze. Fill rest of glass with coke. Garnish with lime.

Hangover Cure:
Pedialyte : After three El Gens, and you will want to chug a bottle of Peidalyte prior to bedtime. Chock full of electrolytes and stuff to keep babies healthy, it is a lifesaver to cure hangovers. Best $2.99 you'll ever spend.

BOOKS! Read Them:
Since I am destitute these days, I do what all us poor folk do...go to the library. Once there, I fight off several hobos who are intent on whacking it on the free Internet so that I can print resumes (I prefer to masturbate in the privacy of my house looking through the windows of my rather attractive lesbian neighbors, natch). Anyway, one of the perks of this library is that there are a lot of awesome books to read there, who knew?




Open, By Andre Agassi: This might sound awful, as tennis is boring and everything you know about Still 'Dre is that he once married Brooke Shields, wore a wig and smoked meth, but it is really a great read. Agassi and his ghostwriter tell his life story, dealing with Agassi's central conflict; his hatred of tennis and his inability to be successful at anything else. It is frighteningly honest, extremely detailed and a very absorbing.


God Save the Fan: Will Leitch: The guy who started Deadspin.com, so therefore the guy who allowed Brett Favre's penis to become the Man of 2010, wrote this book a couple years ago. A bunch of hilarious essays vaguely tied together in an attempt to show how sports fans are getting screwed, and how there might be hope for better things. All this done with extraordinary snark and biting one-liners. So like a longer, better, version of this blog.

The Power of One: Bryce Courtenay: Best book I have ever read, and I've read it about 10 times. Story of a South African who rises above the extreme racism through the sport of boxing. That is probably a crappy, trite summary, but it is a simply splendid book, wonderfully descriptive and inspiring, with characters that I almost feel are my best friends (it is really hard to review a book without sounding gay).

MUSICA, The ten banginest bangers in Sack's library right now:
1. Irish Celebration: Macklemore and Ryan Lewis (bagpipes + drunken Irish= Yuuuuuuup).

2. Bad Guy: Wiz Khalifa. Stargate (Black n' Yellow) with just another banger. He's moving up to Jim Jonsin levels in my book.

3. Living Proof: Em and Royce Da 5'9". Bad meets evil, once again. Now that Slaughterhouse is signed to Shady, I expect many ripped beats in this fashion. Honorable Mention; Royce: Walking in the Rain.

4. The Show Goes On: Lupe Fiasco. This makes up for the fact that Lupe forgot which school he was at and called us CU. Almost.

5. This Is My World: Chamillionaire ft. Big K.R.I.T.  I love Cham, and this hits hard, with his always solid harmonizing. KRIT is allegedly not Bobby Creekwater, but he sounds exactly the same.

6. Something New: Black Prez. Foco's own goes pretty hard on this beat uptempo, pretty poppy beat. I'm expecting a solid Foco/CSU anthem out of him soon, especially if the Rammies go dancing.

7. Since The 90s: Pimp C ft. Gator Mane & E-40. RIP Pimp, but from beyond the grave he brings it on this throwback track.

8. H.A.M.: Kanye and Jigga. Hard. As. A. Motherfucker. (Travy Barker Drummer Mix makes it even better, if that is your bag).

9. Teach You To Fly/Stoned: Wiz Khalifa. Couldn't pick between these two, but Wiz is fucking smooth. CD of the year candidate, for sure.

10. Pass Out: Tinie Tempah ft. Chamillionaire. British rapper on a techno heavy beat, with the Mixtape Messiah. Yeah, I'm in. The OG version of this was British song of the year, apparently.

A Little About Sports

So, it has come to my attention that I am writing an awful lot about a certain television show and not about the original purpose of this show. Which is totally true, but if sports were as interesting and enjoyable as Jersey Shore, I would be posting daily. Instead, the Avs, Nuggs, Broncos suck, football is over and I am not from Purple Row so I can't pretend to be ecstatic about pitchers and catchers reporting.

Still, there are some interesting sports stories going on, so I guess I'll try to find the good in a depressing time. Tomorrow, I give you fun things to enjoy until the NCAA Tourney and baseball crank up:


Da' Rams: Clearly, the best thing going in sports right now is the Colorado State Rams men's basketball team.  Turrible for years, including Tim Miles' first season, when the Rams won 0 league games in the regular season (and guess who was beat writer for the Collegian that season? This guy! You know how fun it is to interview a team and write stories during a stretch where a team wins 2-26 games? Pretty much the worst thing ever).

Now, the Rams are actually selling out Moby Arena and should be in the NCAA Tournament with a 4-2 run down the stretch in MWC play. It won't be easy, but god damit it is going to happen.

And I'll be in Vegas again for the MWC tournament, and hopefully the seeding committee will be kind and let us play in Denver if we get that far, because I'll be working there as well.

The Black Super Bowl: The NBA All-Star fesitivities should be fun, almost solely because of Blake Griffin. What is he gonna do in the dunk contest? Who is he gonna yak on in the game? Why can't anyone think of a nickname for him (I think we should just call him Holy Shit, because that is what you say after every dunk)?


AAA: Aaron Afflalo's recent play has given me hope that this Nuggets team can be fun to cheer for next season, especially sans-Melo. Now, if only the bitch-made Knicks would just cave and make this trade, Denver would be a young team with roster flexibility, instead of this stagnant, stupid concotion that we currently trot out. I would appreciate an exciting team, as my future job in ticket sales with Los Nuggos would be a lot easier if they weren't terrible (knock on wood).

Plus, I find it pretty interesting that post-game winner, all of AAA's teammates were out celebrating (with me and Mark Cuban /name drop) but he was nowhere to be seen. Either he was home being responsible, or I can't recognize him (let's hope it is the former).

Denver: I have probably had as many great times in a month in this city as I had in three months in San Deigo. Which is due in part to a couple factors; 1. I have a lot more friends here. 2. I am currently unemployed and therefore never encumbered by this work thing. 3. When the local team is successful I can celebrate with the locals here, unlike SD where I hated everything about their pathetic sports franchises.

Plus, Spring is clearly on it's way. Yes, we'll have the occasional cold and snow, but the tide is changing and the -20 degree days are behind us. Can't wait for baseball, Wash Park day-drinking and outdoor basketball. Fucking eh, summer.

Squash:  It is fucking fun and I'm a natural. I will challenge any of you. Please, because I think the median age of Squashers is 72.

Tim Tebow: I know he's not gonna play next season due to the labor bullshit, but everytime I mention his name I get like 1000 hits, so Tebow Tebow Tebow.

Seriously though, the Broncos should be getting a stud defensive player or two in the draft, which might make us watchable next year, if next year exists.

Welp, that is all for the good stories in sports. 2011 getting off on the same foot as 2010. Steller.

Again, tomorrow I play critic and give you my picks on music, lit, TV and more.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 7 plus Melo, Mark Cuban, J.R. and more

Usually I start this with a disclaimer about how I was lazy, drunk and didn't blog in time. But today, my excuse is much better (and really not needed). Yes, I was drunk and a tad bit late with the blog, but the reason why is pretty epic.

You see, due to reasons beyond my control (roommate grabbing remote control) I missed out on the first couple airings of Jersey Shore and decided to then get drunk with Arab Money and The Wedding DJ. We drank plenty of PBR at Maloney's, then planned on going back to Arab Money's to mock the Shorites. But, as soon as we exited the bar, we noticed someone more inebriated than either of us, one J.R. Smith, struggling to order some grub from the mobile hot dog stand. Arab Money and I laughed, then proceed to watch some random hopper video JR and announce it is going on World Star Hip Hop. Woooo.

The fun doesn't end there. Who should appear next from the Oak Tavern (or Spill?) but Mr. Knickerbocker, Carmelo Anthony, rocking a very trendy kinitted sweater hoodie (sarcasm) and also dying for some sustinance. He isn't near as drunk as JR, but is drunk enough he states that he can't take pictures anymore. He does ask if Arab Money's hot dog is good to go. Other members of Melo's entourage, including former CSU baller Tyler Smith, are hanging around, so AM and I chill out to scope the scene. Oh hey, guess who else is in the mix? None other than Dexter Fowler, super fucked up, and his fat-titted girly friend.

But the starstruck moment turns to surreal in the next instant, when some random 40-year old drunk comes up in between Arab Money and I, grabs our shoulders, and yells out, "The Nuggets fucking blow." I turn to tell this douchebag off, but I realize that he is none other than Mark fucking Cuban (who also states he is too drunk for pictures).

So yeah, I might be late on the Jersey Shore recap, but I think that is a sufficient reason why. Haters.

On to the Shore, which was a pretty epic episode:

-To start off, Mike is giving some relationship advice, which Arab Money notes is a very bad sign for the welfare of everyone.

-Ron and Sam fight. As if Ron is 5, Pauly tries to distract him by taking him on the Tilt-A-Whirl and some roller coasters. Somehow, this doesn't work.

-"Ronni kinda has a tempah" -Pauly D, who then shadow boxes in the background while prepping for Ronni/Sammi round 347.

-"I played it wrong," Mike bitches out to Ronni. "I'll buy you some cotton candy a little later." Good call, Sitch. No need to get your ass whooped for a girl that straight shunned you 2 seasons ago.

-"A whole bag full of condoms." -Roger, when asked what he brings into the house prior to his two week vacay from the Shore and J-Dubs. Quickly he is becoming an upper echelon character.

-"How could you sit there and lie to my face, after what you did?" -Sam

"Which time?" -Ronni, just smashing that lob back into her face.

-"He's gonna do something totally shady." -Sam
"Yuuuuppp." -Snooki

-"I love the dick." -Sam
"Me too." -Snook.

-"They're are talking all about relationships and my sneakers are dirty." -Pauly.

"They're gonna bang soon." -Vinny.

-"Sammy is like a spidermonkey sitting on the bed with a pitbull lock." -Vinny, giving Mike Vick a shoutout.

-"I'm just gonna go out and be a slut." -Sammi, good call, because being a slut always brings your boyfriend running back.

-"Come back to my closet and help me get dressed." -Sam.

"You mean your patio?" -Arab Money, after Ron throws all Sammi's shit out the door.

"You want to act like a dog, you can sleep outside like a dog." -Ron.

-"It's kind of like an analogy for Vinny's penis not fitting into my pin hole." -Snooki, comparing her and D-Na's inability to angle a bed through a door to Vinny's schlong.

-Ironically, all of the Guidos magically end up at the same bar. Just a coincidence, not producer interference at all.

-"I want to fucking ring your neck right now." -Ronni. If only the OJ-Nicole Simpson murder was a reality show, I bet it would have played out just like this. But, it probably wouldn't be allowed as evidence (confused, watch the June 17, 1994 30 for 30 and realize how having good lawyers can save your ass).

-Hehehehe. Mid-rant, Sammi drops a nice burp. Solid push.

-"Nobody touch the fucking smoosh-room." -J-Woww, oblivious to the potential murder going down and desperate to hook Roger.

"The more the merrier." -Roger, after Jenny busts out the S&M outfit and Snooki/Deena offer to join.

-"Ronni keeps talking about girl/guy code. Then he throws her bed outside. What about general human code?" -Situation, who is becoming something of a semi-retarded muse.

-"She's doing something to do with packing...and something that ryhems with.... ...weaving?"-Vinny to Ron, after Sam explicitly asks him not to divulge her plans.

-"I'm going to let you go. As much as it pains you." -Ron, with one of the most egotistical statements of all-time. And hypocritical, as the big bad roid-rager cries all night when Sammi says goodbye.

-CAAAABS AHHH HEEEEEEAAAHHH" -Pauly, announcing the departure of Sammi about 6 seasons too late.


MVG: Sammi: For coming to the most rational decision of the entire show. Yes, leaving the Ronster about six domestic assaults late, but she finally got it done.  Plus, she attempted to bag random dudes before her exit just to piss him off. Props. Ronni could have won this award due to his excellent whore-demolition skills, but his weeping bumped him out of this slot.

Mostly though, Sammi should never be welcomed back to this show, so I'll let her go out with Guid.

Bed-post notches: None...GAYYYY

Next Week: You need highlights besides no more Sammi and possible Cocaine Ronaldino? Because I sure don't.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 6

Our episode begins with our intrepid Guidos behaving like a happy family for the first time since season one (soo 2009). I predict it will not last. I will also apologize for not having a prompt post, but I was busy going being the creepy old guy at an under-20 college house party and then going to my first rave ever. My partying always beats out virtual partying. Sorry, for partying.

-Ronnie is drinking with fake-Ronnie. This is itself should be a reality show.

-Snookers passes out in the doggy cage. This isn't funny, because it's where Smush-Smush belongs.

-If you ever find yourself by Sammi, just vomit to make her leave. This is the natural reaction when seeing a wild Sammi, but still, the more you know...

-"I'm bleeding when I go to the bathroom." -Ronald. That, my friends, is a fucking BENDER. When the end result is you shitting blood.

-"I'm not gonna do anything graphic, I'm just gonna look." Doctor Guido. Look, Doc, both Ronni and I have used that line many times, and we both know it also ends with some touching. And poking. In the butt.

-"It was wrong of me to laugh. Who wants to bleed out of their butt? I wouldn't." -Sammi. Not wrong to laugh, when someone drinks until they shit blood the only appropriate answer is laughter.

-"You really never tried it (masturbation), and it wasn't phenomenal?" -Snookers, during the very nice and healthy female fingering convo. There is not a person in the world that has never masturbated, or if any such person exists, I do not ever want to meet them, because they have got to be super fucked up. But I have had several conversations with bitches who say they don't, and they are just stupid lying whores.

-"I told him I'm taking his sperm...and I'm making a baby with it." -Snooki, because there are other reasons for keeping sperm.

-"You need a golden ticket to get into these drawers." -Deena, but the consolation prize of a rim job isn't half bad.

Looks like Dario just inherited the Wonka Factory.

-"Everyone Google it, because that is why the ocean is salty, because of all the whale sperm." -Snooki. Also to Google; Snow is God's sperm, the sky is blue because of Smurf sperm and Snookis are the Devil's sperm.

-Somehow Snooki finds the one Jersey Shore Guido that is a nerd.

-"You better send roses to the house...Roses with fried pickles in them." -Pauly D, the human answering machine.

-"I look like a hot, drunk baseball player right now...and I'm loving it." -Snooki.

-"Ow. We were talking." -Snooki. "I know, that's why I threw it at you." -Bossman Guido Danny who probably made the best investment ever in hiring these retards.

-Advertisement: "You know why fans talk about my hair instead of my acne?" -Beibs. Because you haven't hit puberty yet?

-Face down, ass up is now called the Jersey Turnpike. Good to know.

-"Did (Ron) have his period?" -Snooki. Yes, that is exactly what Ronni's butthole problem is, he has been dating cunty Samantha so long that his cycle has matched up.

-"Stalker!." "What are you doing here?" "You are the last person I ever expected to see here." "When you have a baby, what bird delivers the baby?" -All Vinny (who I had forgotten was on the show until this point), all to the Jew Stalker. All while Pauly laughs while wearing the infamous "I (heart) Jewish Boys Girls."

"What did Jack climb up?" Pauly D.

-I would celebrate Ron and Sammi breaking up, but I don't believe it is real.

BUT IF IT IS....


Most Valuable Guido: Pauly D. From pranking Snooker's new juicehead on the phone, making peace with the Stalker just to mock her to get payback and just generally being hilarious all season long. Props, Pauly. Maybe we could actually get some MVP later this year?


Bed Post Notches: Sitch I think had one (2 on the year). D-Na got a golden ticket (2). And apparently Vinny (3) gets one according to the deleted scenes, which brings up a ton of problems with whoever is editing this show. According to another deleted scene Mike's penis is covered in fur, explaining why his Chewbaca has been lonely this season. Don't ever say I'm not going the extra distance for these blogs.


Next Week: I really think the Wicked Witch is leaving. And if it doesn't happen, MTV, I warn you, I will continue to watch.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 5 Drunk Punch Love

Preamble: Tonight's recap is sponsored by 4Loko, because I drank it while watching the show last night and the hangover has just ended, finally allowing me to behave like a human.


We pick up tonight's episode with the news that these Shoretards are gonna be hanging out in Italy next season, which is intriguing. This means that either the show is going to be glorious with the whole fish-outta-water thing and one of the Guidos getting whacked (off) by some Sicilian mobster, or it has jumped the shark and will now be super-duper terrible. Fingers crossed, but I really don't see how Vinny and Pauly D trying to hit on girls in broken I-tie won't be entertaining. Plus, I'm still kinda pissed at Italy for WWII, so sending these fuckos over there should punish them sufficiently.

Aight, let's get this shit crizzackin and talk about licking buttholes:

-"I'm not even that spiteful." -J-Woww, talking about the fact that Tawme stole her naked pics (and other random crap). Good self awareness.


-"Nicole left me strict instructions not to sleep with any more of her friends...I'm not sure what to do." -Vinny, confused that Snooks doesn't want him banging her trashy friends. Because she knows what diseases those whores are carrying.


-If only changing doorknobs was as easy as slobbing on knobs (like corn on the cob), Snook and J-Woww would get it done in no time. Jenny then mentions how hard she has worked to get her house...Apparently she put in a lot of extra shifts at the Gelateria and the T-Shirt Shop? Never worked a day in her life, methinks.



-Dogs in the house will only end horribly, but I do enjoy Pauly's nicknames for them; Snooki and Ryder.


-"Have you met my friend, Bjork?" -Vinny, to a frilly J-Woww.


-All of those cousins, uncles, etc. did a pretty piss poor job protecting the girl Vinny took home. He gets her home, then they show up and cockblock the Vinster. Cynical me says this is all for some TV time and planned in advance.

"It's like the Capulets and the whatevers." -Vin, ahh, Italy is gonna love the knowledge these dirtbags will spread.



-Ronnie drops bombs on Sammi: "Pack your shit and get the fuck out."


"Cry all you want, your tears don't mean shit to me."


These mix well with his first laughter of the entire season.


-Vuvuzela Grenade Whistles are funny.

-"We told her the truth so that she would leave and then you could be yourself." -Jenny, the most manipulative bitch in the world.

To an openly weeping Ronald. Steroids, beer and heartbreak apparently don't mix. Cry like a bitch, might get socked like a bitch /foreshadowing.

-"Sam, do you have any condoms." -Situation, to a crying Sammi. "Ask Ronnie, he probably has a few." What a team player she is.

-Sammi spots Ron being friends with J-Woww, and gets steamed. "Unleash the CRACKEN!" screams Arab Money, about 5 Lokos deep in preparation for the evil one to leave the show.

Then, WHAMMY:

Which is really a nice birthday present for Ryder, who is being serenaded by the rest of the group while passed out in a corner. Great editing, even if this actually didn't all happen at the same time /cynicism.

-"This is God telling me to leave." -Sammi. Humble.

-"You're acting like Angelina." -Vinny, with a harsh burn.

-"I need that (dog) so I can get it in." -Jenny, grabbing one of the yappers so she can bang Roger who she totally wasn't cheating on Tom with.

Meanwhile, the Situation apparently never goes back to the girl he brought home, lending more proof to the speculation that he is either gay or dealing with some sort of serious STD that he would rather not divulge on TV.

-"You just need to have more fun." -Sammi's mom. I think punching people in the face is good fun. More of that, Samantha.

-"Keep it classy? You serious? You can forget about that first part." -Roger, already much more likable than Tawme.

-"Nicole has an idea to get a stripper pole...and this house needs a fucking stripper pole." -Vinny.

Ron, proving he is more than just a pretty face called the need for a stripper pole on day one. Good work, m'boy.

"It's not that sturdy, so no fat girls can go on it." -Vinny.

-I told you that Deana and Dean hooked up, as I certainly consider tonguing a butthole hooking up. That is some solid barbershop gossip. Great masturbation material (I don't really feel that way, just really wanted to work that clip in somehow).

"He said that he wanted you to suck his dick, but that you wanted to lick...(gestures to ass) his butthole." -Pauly.

Bizarro Ronnie continues to impress, and Deana's denials of her alleged Salad Tossing fetish were a little Bill Clinton-esque, as in not believable.

-AND SAMMI ends up staying, and is apparently still dating Ron. Did she just take the pants and is he the battered wife now? How the fuck did that happen?

(Slams more 4 Loko)

(Blacks out)


Hook-Ups: Jenny gets it innnnnn. That is all.

Most Valuable Guido: Sammi. You throw a punch, you win this award. Now actually go the fuck home.


Next week: Stripper pole failure is really all I can recall, as I drank away all memory last night. Sorry. Ronnie bleeds from his asshole. I bet Deena is to blame.