NBA Sack-Up 2010-11 with the Dream Team

So Edy, Stringer Bell and I wrote this preview back in October, full of stupid predictions, miscellaneous predictions and some blind-squirrel-finding-a-nut predictions. It was fun, and so, I decided get together a dream team to recap the season in true Sackrilegious style, so I rounded up my crew of ball watchers to help. In white font, is your's truly, in red is The_Real_Pat, in blue is DJ Stringer Bell and in black bold is the new roomate aka Humetron. Edy couldn't make it because he usually just copy and pastes everything Pat says, so he really isn't needed anymore.

Enjoy, ye hooligans.

1: How awesome is DeShawn Stevenson? I expect at least 5000 words each from everyone on this topic. At least 1,000 of which must describe what you imagine his next tattoo/piercing combo will be:

Humetron: Not saying I didn't know who he was before these finals, but it was more how unnoticed he went in my eyes before June. He was more of just a side show to me during his Wiz years to me because I didn't follow them outside of Gilbert. I sorta love him now though.  It may just be ALL your (Sack's) obsession rubbing off on me but he is a funny dude.

The-Real_Pat: To measure DeShawn's "awesomeness", I think we need to define DeShawn and work backwards.  DeShawn Stevenson:  Uber tatted meathead, could start a fight with anybody at anytime (himself included), has one main specialty (defense) with a secondary specialty (the tre ball) and has beef with one of the league's "stars".  Tats, meathead, fight potential, one main trick, one backup trick, beef with star...on the awesomeness scale, I give DeShawn Stevenson 7 out of 10 Dennis Rodman's.
 

DeShawn's next tattoo will be LEBR on one ass cheek, and an N on the other...

Sack: I have already written this love letter to him, but since then he has continued rolling it on; skipping the Mavs' South Beach party because he was a family man and his wifey was preggos, getting arrested for public drunkeness (profiling), called out LeBron some more at the victory parade and explained that he got the $5 bills surrounding his Lincoln tattoo so he didn't have to explain who it was anymore. He is the gift that keeps on giving.

He is a free agent next year (NUGGETS, NUGGETS, NUGGETS), but wants to stay in Dallas. Since two of his teammates now have Larry O'Brien Trophy tattoos, I don't expect DeShawn to follow suit. I am willing to wager he goes big on the next one, stamping Tre Goggles permanently on his face.

2. Let's all mock Edy openly for calling Dallas most disappointing team? Then mock everyone for other terrible prediction (like Gilbert comeback player and Heinrich best white player. My bad).

Edy with a bad claim?  Unheard of. 

DJ Stringer Bell: We had some fucking retarded picks here, with Hinrich in the chocolate city of black holes (John Wall and Arenas) coming in as a runner-up to me and Edy jerking ourselves off to the Thunder. True they had a watershed year, but not nearly the championship contenders we talked ourselves into. Throw in the Perkins trade and we had damn near given OKC the title by the end of March when the fact of the matter was that Durant hadn’t properly barked down Westbrook into a subservient position yet (still waiting for this) and the team was still fine tuning their BIG game.

3. Then give me props for calling Dallas a darkhorse contender.

-When did Edy say that?!?!?! #dumb I am their biggest hater and it is partly because they are good and contend with the nugs on a normal basis (Ed Note: Hume and I played a drinking game based on Dirk's performance in these playoffs. If he made a shot, Hume drank, if he missed, I drank. This usually really got going in the fourth quarter, so Hume drank a looot).

You picked a team with two for sure Hall of Famers, a Puerto Rican Point God, a statistical juggernaut with a very outdated movie reference nickname (Matrix), the best right handed 6th man in the L, a guy who I'm gonna hand a title to in a few minutes, and a guy who registers a 7 on the Dennis Rodman Scale of Awesomeness...what exactly do you want props for? 

-No one picked Dallas to do shit this year, but I felt they were primed. It's easy to look now and say Dallas was good, but everyone was calling them washed up early this year (not that I predicted them to win a title, but still).

-How can anyone claim ref conspiracy when the guy who bitches the most just won a championship?

There’s a shitload of bitching and twitter timeline quoting I could do, but there just weren’t enough close games involving the preferred markets to really make a case for Stern as Geppetto. New York was disjointed, newly formed and saddled with the Nuggets shit offloads of AC, Billups and Melo. Boston was a victim of their own murdering of the Ubuntu mantra (see the 2011 The Association season). And the Lakers succumbed to the Law of more, NBA miles and had nothing left to accomplish, save Barnes. None of these teams held up for shit in the playoffs and none of them even knew how to keep a game close when the 4^th quarter came within its final 6 minutes.
The argument could be made that Lebron and the Heatles (I fucking hate that name… and the Beatles.) were a preferred champion but even they were newly formed, without playing reps, and unable to get it close enough to let the angel of Stern work his magic.

My feeling on the matter is Stern looked at these playoffs the same way we all did; All of the final 4 teams were good for the NBA and the Mavericks just had too many great storylines not to let the playoffs play out or even to embrace them. The game thrives off of polarizing, astronomically dynamic characters and both the Mav’s and the Heat had them in spades. Furthermore, the final 4 teams were each darlings in their right and any of them as champions would have been great for the league. Add in what a Dirk win did for Overseas interest in the NBA and a Mav’s win doesn’t quite seem so FU Stern (cue Stern Jew smile)

What championship did Melo win?  (Waits for applause to die down)  Stop, thank you, you're too kind. 
And nobody claims an outright ref conspiracy.  And conspiracy is the wrong word.  It's more like a nefarious consortium.  It's a large group of people who all work in conjunction to promote the interests of the league.  At the end of the day, just like anything else, it all comes down to dolla dolla bills yall.  The NBA is a business.  And any business is going to try to maximize revenue.  When the most popular teams win exciting games in long dramatic series', the NBA makes more money.  FACT.  So to say it's rigged and a big conspiracy is overkill...to say the powers that be stay completely hands off is naive.

=-Stars will always get calls.   

-Most entertaining team of the season?

Here's how this one should be answered:  When you saw on the left side of SportsCenter that Team X's highlights were coming up, who would you refuse to miss more often than not?
Clips/Heat tie.

I started off claiming a homer tie on this one between the Nuggets and the Mavs, but the truth is it was always the Mav’s. I remember watching regular season games where they held on against the Lakers and Blazers and it was evident just how much all the years together this Mavs team had, had done for their clutch performance. The team was killing it all year by making the extra pass and knowing exactly where each team member was going to be on the court. They win this award from the standpoint that they were a team in the strictest of definition of the word. They excelled all year by breaking the will of an opposing team with 3’s that shouldn’t keep going in and extended possessions where they just keep moving the ball away from defenses. Nothing will fucking kill a team more than a shot that shouldn’t keep going in or an offense that moves the ball despite ur best efforts. The Mavericks had both. Put simply, they weren’t playing Rucker ball and it showed.

You guys really missed this one, because it was clearly OKC. The Heat were more dramatic, Dallas better, but the rise of the Thunda, the Perk trade to make them legitimate contenders and then the epic Diva collapse of Russ Westbrook was fascinating theatre. Every queater of every game had this tension that it could collapse at any point, and it did. It was a psychological thriller.

-Most entertaining player this season (besides DeShawn, clearly)?

If anyone says anyone else but Blake Griffin they should be shot in the head.

BlakeTube Griffin 
Runner Up:  Derek Rose
Dead Last:  Tim Duncan's methodical ass

On the court no one was as entertaining as Blake Griffin, the dude singlehandedly re-programmed Sportscenter on a nightly basis, giving us at least 2 dunk highlights a night IN ADDITION to his top 10 contributions. Night in and night out we were treated to glimpses into otherwise shitty and irrelevant games between the Clippers and the Suns. Griffin was so amazing he made the Clippers relevant. Re-read that last sentence again. Here, I’ll help you. HE MADE THE CLIPPERS RELEVANT. No one has been able to do this in forever. The last time we even moderately cared about this team ET was running point and Chris Kaman was making a case as the last Neanderthal on the planet in what could be called the greatest freak show on earth (They still easily handled the Nuggets in the first round).
Worst yet, none of the NBA fanatical could come up with a good nickname for him. His half-white, half-black, red headed, freckled ass made this task damn near impossible. It was like trying to figure out  a cool name to call Opie if his hair grew short and wiry and routinely jumped over Aunt Bea and Dipshit Deputy Barney Fife on the regular. (My contributions in the matter: El Mulatto Magnifico and the Soaring Griffin).   
And when the season came to an end, we were still watching the Clippers who weren’t even within an 8^th seed implosion of making the playoffs. Hell, that underperforming, Iverson-esque cocksucker Baron Davis even got traded because of him. If you get someone’s lazy ass traded away from you just because management is afraid he’ll somehow find a way to make you lax and unwilling to hustle, you’re usually doing some awe-inspiring shit.  

Too bad ole Blake wasn't relevant in the playoffs. But yes, Mozgov-ing fools gets you this top spot.

-Will Dwight Howard play in Orlando next season? Chris Paul in New Orleans?

Watch for Dwight to take his talents to South Beach if not the Lakers like Shaq before him. I give it decent odds that he ends up a member of the Heat for less money.  CP3 stays because of a little word called leverage and his own refusal to be a jobber to anyone.

If they go to LA and NY like the rumor mill (You must be an Insider to finish this thought

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I think Dwight is 50/50 on staying vs. fleeing to LA. It is the only place that really makes sense for him.

-That little girl Chris Paul is already out of New Orleans.  He is going to prance around New York with that doucher melo.  I think Dwight is going to stay for some reason, unless the Magic upgrade though he is out.   

-How long before Chris Bosh is booted from Miami?

When that shemale from Baylor is allowed to play in the NBA, he should start sweating.

-If they don't win next year or start slow, Like a Bosh is scapegoat numero uno, off to Siberia aka Milwakee for Andrew Bogut.

-Who was the craziest player in the league (aka Starbury award)?

Gilbert Arenas is deeply offended that you think this is up for debate.  He's tweeting about your nappy ass shirt as we speak.

-Damn right it's Gilbert. I am going to claim this is what I meant by Comeback Player of the Year. Welcome back crazy Gil...keep on tweeting bout sharks, shoes and skanks til the Magic figuratively or literally have you whacked to get out of that contract.

I really fucking wanted to put Barnes here but he didn’t really do shit. He was pretty quiet (as Barrio Barnes standards go) and only once took it to another level when he threw an assistant coach to the ground. Worst yet, there really was no clear winner in this category. Stephen Jackson, Brandon Jennings, Delonte West, KMart and Barnes were all a little too quiet on and off the court.  

Update: DeShawn Stevenson: tell me how my drunk Dirk taste.

P.S. Now we see why Gil and DeShawn were such awesome teammates.

We are all in agreement Kevin Love was best white American? Griffin ROY? Harden best beard?

False!  I hand this title, as mentioned above in #3, to Brian "The Custodian" Cardinal.  Any argument about the Best White American should be centered around White American skill sets.  Kevin Love rebounds and scores.  Those are bro skill sets, so Kevin Love is like the 85th best bro.  BWA should be given based on hard fouls, killer screens (on or off ball), textbook box-outs, bounce passes, ball fakes, charge takes, defensive rotations, and bench enthusiasm.  Brian Cardinal is the Kobe Bryant of White Americans (complete with jewelry).

No arguments on ROY.
BDiddy's beard takes silver to Harden's face-fro.  (Coined bitches.  O/U weeks til Edy uses that phrase around Val and her friends?  I say however many weeks it takes for Val to have more than 2 of her friends around.)

Pat wasn't around for the beginning of the year and apparently didn't do research, but B. Diddy was retired from contention. Brian Cardinal had one, maybe two good games all season. Kevin Love set records. Real basketball records, not white player records.

I’ll take my victory laps around the park on the majority of these. Kevin Love dominated in this years’ Strom Thurmond/ Derrick Vinyard  category, giving us white boys some hope and Harden brought new infamy to the Moussai beard with his bearded gap-toothed post 3 screams.  

-O/U of players who get NBA trophy tatoos next season?

I feel like this HAS to be set at 0.5.  And I'll take the under.

zero, douche bag terry

2

I am saying 20.5: Every sixth man/energy guy/irrational confidence guy for a contender is gonna get one. I mean, we've already had one fucking bench guy get one that didn't do shit. They are gonna be popping up errrawhere. I assume Birdman is getting one as we spreak.

-Most intriguing plotline this offseason?

Toss up:  It's either
A.  Bulls roster changes.  They really felt like they were one or two guys away from being a championship squad.  If they can add a guy who can create his own shot and a veteran who can get buckets in tough situations, I think they immediately become a championship favorite.  Or
B.  Lockout.  Or
C.  The Shaq Sex Tape. 

Will a bunch of free-spending hoodrats with little finance knowledge and miniscule amounts of leverage and huge costs of living be able to stand up against a coalition of owners that is losing an alleged 300 million a year.  

Most hated sportswriter/commentator: Jeff Van Gundy. No onegets under my skin like his nerdy, ill-placed, matter of fact quips. He was so annoying throughout the year I actually wished hiring upon him just so that I wouldn’t have to hear his fucking dipshit poindexter ass on my TV. I‘ve got room for one pencil-necked sports intellectual and John Clayton is it with his Stewie looking ass.  

Lockout, duh.

Yeah, dumb question by me. Lockout is clearly the big story, Dwight number 2.

-Will the Heat ever win a title?

They need to upgrade at C, PF, PG, 6, 7, and 8th man, coach, PR, and towel boy.  Even if they didn't upgrade any of those things, if King Dipshit could get his head right, they could win the next 4.  Will they?  Who knows.  That guy's sucha Freudian wet dream that these next few season's could go a billion different ways.

-yep, that team can only get better. I mean jowhatver anthony and juan howard as post players??!?! some big lanky freak will sign with the heat.

Yes, pending a solid PF/C  acquisition in the offseason .

They were argueably two shots away from it this year. I will bet my house on it next year (fact: I don't own a house, so thanks Tejouis for the collateral).

-Most hated player (I expect Russ Westbrook to get some love here)

Ask me about this a year ago and I put Kobe here. Ask me today and its Westbrook. No one consistently just pissed me off quite like his Antz/ Jurassic ass (Co-writer credits to Edy and Manchester there). I found myself likening his and Durants demeanor to the Good Son of the family that finds out he sucks at sports. He just kept having that whiny, I deserve to win and all these people are just hating against me look to him. A year ago I would have never said that especially after how much heart we saw him show against the Lakers, but this year he bought into the hype and really started believing he was better than everyone else (including Durant). Kobe had this same sort of bratty transformation, call it an NBA rite of passage but fuck this little-big headed prick for real.

As long as Sasha Vuji-bitch is in the league...

too many to count but right now it has to be serge i pound my chest ibaka. God he is annoying as all hell with his numerous facial expressions, fist pumps, and o yes that DK chest pound. 

-How's my Dirk taste, BRON. Even though he has almost been ridden to death, fuck that motherfucker.

Anything else you find important/want to include.

"I'd like to thank the Man Upstairs for my thoughts and input here today.  Without his inspiration, I wouldn't be here.  All glory to Him."--Trev, if he lived in my basement.

-F the Mavs...focker outttttttt

Bonus: A DJ Stringer Bell Lookalikes Section: 
Derrick Rose/OddJob,

http://cdn2.windows7news.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/oddjob.jpg
http://cache2.allpostersimages.com/p/LRG/35/3592/GPU2F00Z/posters/derrick-rose-1-pick-2008-nba-draft.jpg
http://www.guesswhosback.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/26a1a.jpeg

Tom Thibodeau/ Devil from Constantine
http://www.dvdbeaver.com/film2/DVDReviews42/constantine%20blu-ray/large/large%20constantine%20blu-ray11.jpg
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDKXk0j9Hp0VCUk04bRdNzkcoqFgUBCV9zFuKtd_xCyIeJ95Hal3HKbl3JJeTg6h6Go0_6hA6y4EmMnaaFAgYIDaYVnBsGaSBeWnldbJr3jyCdUbdeXPcjsUnGZ8Pc_w6kFQbCIBZSHLM/s1600/Tom+Thibodeau+NBA+Coach.jpg

Russell Westbrook and Gon from Tekken and Gook Cartoons
http://i11.ebayimg.com/07/i/000/99/dc/423a_2.JPG

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYnQTyuyL75WkjjOvvEMI4oebT7LpdSN8_qxLORPBXAfBHaTcNSwMjgJMuC7Ss7U66FxD4YvZb2RYyFW_v9gvYn036WOPTkOXfKAiUz5dEHZwSraeZoUAGpIHpF79NzNCR1OF74DerzbM/s1600/russell_westbrook_01.jpg

The EPL and ESPN Effect: The Joys of Being a Casual Fan

I am fanatical in support of my teams, a fact that comes across plainly in almost every post I write on this site (and fanatical about Jersey Shore, which is also clear). I take losses personally and find it difficult to remember that my emotional well-being shouldn't hinge on a ball game. It is exhausting, and one of the reasons I have trouble writing blogs when my teams suck (Case in point: Rockies, and why this blog has been silent lately).

 I can't quit on my boy, even if he quit on my boys.

Which is why I have been so invested in soccer lately. I really have no vested connection to any team other than the US National team.

In fact, when it comes to soccer, especially in the English Premier League, I am the type of sports fan that I hate. I support a name team (Liverpool) almost solely because of my love for one player (Fernando Torres), who is no longer on the team (he left for Chelsea in a shocking last-minute, midseason transfer to rival Chelsea). Torres' move came during one of the most depressing stretches in Liverpool's history. Hypothetically, if his name was Fernando, I dunno, Cutler, and he left the Broncos under similar circumstances, I would use his jersey to clean my toilet and literally dream of punching him in his sulky face.

Instead, I still proudly wear my Liverpool Torres jersey kit, cheer for his success, while at the same time proclaiming myself a Liverpool fan. It really is mind-bottling, but there are a few reasons why:

-It is a task to follow the Premier League here in America: The games start at weird times, highlights are rarely shown, articles are never published and bars usually are confused when you ask to watch a soccer game on Fox Soccer Channel, even when you tell them the exact channel number ("You mean Fox Sports, yeah we got that.").

-Most importantly, the games often aren't on ESPN: Though the Worldwide Leader has stepped up it's soccer coverage dramatically, it is still usually a game a week. So, mercifully, the overblown coverage that has permeated every other sport ESPN covers ("LeBron is the greatest," "No, he's the worst." "We've discussed this every day for the last year and yet in no way is anyone sick of this...OMG BRETT FARVE PENIS!") has yet to come to the EPL.

What does that mean? It means I am allowed to follow the league, it's teams and stars without storylines being forced upon me. I'm sure the English press does this, but thankfully I only watch Sky Sports for the hot anchors with tart British accents (it's like porn except their talking about balls...footballs) and live blissfully unaware of that chatter.

So even if Wayne Rooney is being a hooligan, I can still like him for his play and not develop an irrational hatred of him because he leads every fucking Sportscenter ever. I can dislike Rooney simply for playing for Manchester United and being a twat with hair plugs, not because Stephen A. Smith and Collin Cowherd argued his worth. 

I have no connection to Liverpool, other than the fact that I loved scoring goals with Fernando in FIFA videogames so much that I jumped on the bandwagon. I've never been to a game, and didn't know until recently that Liverpool is not in London. But it doesn't feel right to abandon them now, as I have claimed to be a Liverpool fan for about 4 years, so it is too late to change.

Still, I love the fact that I'm not so Liverpool ingrained that I can't cheer for other teams, and mostly that I haven't found a reason to dislike almost every other team in the EPL. In the NFL, I can really only cheer for the Texans because they are CSU South. Basketball, I used to have a real soft spot for the Wizards, but they went boom so I just cheer for DeShawn (and hopefully a Gilbert reincarnation). In the MLB, can hardly even watch a World Series game if it is sans Rockies.

In the Premier League, I can use a pecking order to find enjoyment in almost every game. It goes:
1. Liverpool.
2. Team playing Mancherster United.
3. Fernando, which in turn means Chelsea.
4. Clint Dempsey & Fulham.
5. Tim Howard & Everton, which is ironic because they are Chelsea's biggest rival.
6. Stu Holden & Bolton.
7. Any other team with an American.
8. Against Manchester City, because Tevez is the ugliest human ever and Edy plays with them in FIFA constantly.

It really simplifies the league, and gives me a rooting interest in almost every game, allowing me to watch more and better follow the league as a whole. That means that I can enjoy the season even if Liverpool is shit and if Torres is shit (both happened this year).

Plus, the EPL Review Show does this ludicrous thing, where they show every goal and key moment from every match of the weekend, almost as if the teams are all important. It's an hour-long segment, and each game gets about 5 minutes of highlights. The Man U-Chelsea match doesn't get 2 minutes of highlights, 5 minutes of interviews and 17 minutes of discussion with the same highlights rehashed and debated, leaving just 30 seconds for a Bolton-West Ham match. Nope every game gets a solid highlights package, a quick quote from the manager, and little to no analysis.

It's almost like the EPL thinks I can watch and interpret for myself, and that every game matters (which it does, because of relegation, but that's a subject for another time). Ruddy brilliant.


When I get to think for myself I can actually enjoy the full product better. Being a casual fan definitely has it's advantages, but I think it will have to end as soon as I travel to Englandland, get all scoused up and see a game in Merceyside with the Kop (100% chance I fucked up everything in that sentence, and that I will be killed by Liverpool hooligans at this match for being a giant twat that knows nothing of the team's traditions). Then I will become a true Red fan and begin zealously hating everyone else in the Prem like I'm some sort of soccer Nazi.

Because fandom is like sex; even though the casual stuff is fun, it is ultimately hollow.  Eventually we enter committed relationships where we reach levels of passion and joy we never felt possible...

Followed shortly by all encompassing agony, anger and disappointment.

Or maybe that's just my abusive relationship with Broncos/Avs/Nuggets/Rockies/Rams.

Bonus: Just as life takes away, it gives: Luis Suarez is the new Liverpool goalscoring God:

DeShawn Stevenson>LeBron James

The title of this post is incorrect, if we are talking about basketball skill. LeBron James is much better than DeShawn in every facet of the game. LBJ is one of the greatest players (exactly how great his is I'll let the retards on ESPN blather about) in the history of basketball. But that doesn't matter.

What matters is, at the close of this season, DeShawn Stevenson has one NBA championship ring, and LeBron has none. And this fact is one of the many reasons why sports are awesome.

One of the craziest players in the NBA (so therefore, one of the craziest people on the planet) joined a whole bunch of "guys who couldn't win" and took down the big, bad bully. This isn't a Disnified movie, this is real life, and it is much more entertaining. It has heroes, villians, foreshadowing and plot twists. Yes, the big story is about Dirk's rise, the Big 3's fall, but often times the most interesting characters are those is the supporting role, and DeShawn's improbable victory over LeBron was the most compelling to me (of course I'm fucking crazy).

We forget, now that everyone in America has spent the last year shitting on LeBron (truthfully, the Mavs were better supported than any team in the history of sports, more so than even the Miracle on Ice US hockey team that was playing the Goddamn Commies) that he wasn't always hated, as back in 2008 Bron was the savior of Ohio and we were all WITNESSES.

Only a select group of people had any beef with LeBron; the fine folks of Washington D.C., whose Wizards were defeated by LeBron two previous times in the playoff series that included controversial circumstances (an uncalled travel on Bron and LBJ shit-talking Gilbert before free throws), and destined to be eliminated by the Brons for the third straight season. They needed a voice for their frustration, and they found one, in DeShawn.

Mr. Stevenson had the audacity to say that he didn't like LeBron and found him "Overrated," you know, because he still hadn't won shit. This opinion, at the time, caused much controversy and ridicule for DeShawn. The popular opinion was "Who the fuck is this idiot talking shit to LeBron, question the patron Saint of Basketball?"

And on paper, that is how this "rivalry" appeared, King James vs. The Bust. DeShawn and LeBron had both followed similar paths to the NBA, as high school phenoms plunged straight to the league. Then, their paths diverged: DeShawn was drafted by Utah, forced to toil under the curmudgeon Jerry Sloan, dealt with a number of legal issues and injuries, never reaching his potential to be a star. But a surprsing thing happened, instead of flaming out like almost every other troubled phenom, DeShawn evolved, becoming a strong defender and long-range specialist.

So it is natural that he might feel some bitterness towards Bron due to his success and hype, especially after some crushing defeats.

Instead of letting the storm from DeShawn's comments blow over, LeBron's hubris got the best of him, as he alluded to DeShawn as Soulja Boy and himself as Jay-Z. This sparked off a series of silly media battles, that resulted in Soulja Boy attending a game during the 2008 series and then Jay-Z recording a diss specifically aimed at DeShawn.

High comedy and entertainment ensued. The Wizards lost and Bron got what appeared to be the last laugh, as sadly, it appeared that the rivalry would die an early death. The Wizards imploded due to Gilbert Arenas' gimpy knee and gunplay, shipping Caron Butler, Brended Haywood to the Mavs, tossing an injured DeShawn in more for contract reasons. Then LeBron eviscerated Cleveland with the decision, and the odds of another D-Steve/Bron playoff battle seemed impossible.

While we breathlessly followed every movement of LeBron's scripted life and if he could fit in with the other superstars, only passing interest was paid to the real Dos Eqius man of the NBA; DeShawn.

Somehow, the man that has multiple facial tattoos (including the Pirates logo backwards so that it looks correct in the mirror), that has an Abe Lincoln tattoo on his neck that is pierced, that has a neck piercing that also goes through the neck of Lincoln (naturally), that celebrated every 3-pointer with an homage to doing massive amounts of cocaine, that nicknamed himself the Locksmith, Poppa Smurf and Mr. 50, that once bet Gilbert Arenas $20,000 on a shooting contest, that once etc. etc. etc...

Etc.

Somehow, that man had little trouble earning the respect of his teammates in Dallas and fitting into a winning team. Meanwhile, the greatest weapon in basketball history never quite figured how to coexist with a couple of other great players.

When the two met in the finals, both tried to downplay the rivalry, but it came out again, after Stevenson outscored Bron-Bron in game 4 and then said LBJ "checked out."

In the Finals it was obvious King James failed to live up to his potential. DeShawn was a clutch, with his multiple personalities merging perfectly. "The Locksmith" getting in people's grill, contesting shots and generally creating mischief; and "Mr. 50" hitting over 50% of his shots from 3-point range (13-23) and gesturing wildly.

On a team full of nice guys (Dirk, Jason Kidd, Jason Terry), DeShawn was the wild card, bringing the toughness (along with Tyson Chandler, Brenden Haywood and ironically Brian Cardinal) that was missing from the 2006 Mavericks squad.

While he may not be the conventional good guy, this picture makes it pretty clear where he ranks in the Mavericks organization.

*I can only assume Cubes is yelling "The Nuggets fucking blow," since those were the word he used while grabbing Arab Money's and my shoulders in a similar fashion.

**DeShawn and I are basically bros now, since I hang with Cuban and he does too, right?

Month of April Sack-Up: Draft, #Rapril, Nuggs & More

So, it appears I didn't do a lot of blogging in March and April, but shit, I was busy trying to find a job and I felt that blogging may not have been the best tactic. Also, I was getting drunk a lot. These things are unrelated, I'm sure.

Still, a lot has happened in the last month that I care to discuss, so hop on you hosehounds, we're going to catch up rapidly:

Since you last heard from me...Obama sonned Trump (and got his Call of Duty on on some other fool who then went deep sea diving), Eddie Royal got married and it was a big deal, Godzilla attacked Japan and God decided it was past time for Bama & Auburn fans to give up the souls they sold for back-to-back championships.  Other than that, pretty slow. 

NFL Draft: With all the crazy lockout nonsense going on, this kinda snuck up on everyone. And the damn Panthers decided to draft Vince Young  Cam Newton, because when you have a shot at a quarterback that is stupid, immature, a convict has questionable accuracy and a sketchy entourage, you just have to take them and throw about $40 mill at them. Somewhere JaMarcus Russell is laughing (but only because he be on that lean and them flashing blue lights is TRIPPPAY).

Anyway, no one cares about the Panthers anyway, we are here for the Broncos talk. And dammit if John Elway-God didn't throw a fucking home run in this draft. Von Miller was so happy he could of shit. That's the passion I like in my pass rushers. And his Twatter handle is @millerlite40. That is awesome. (Speaking of 40 oz. in my lap freezing my balls, I did 40 hands in Von's honor on Saturday and finished in 25 minutes. That is pretty fast considering it was like 2 in the afternoon after about 5 beers. Sadly, according to my Scotish friend Scotland, the record is 7 minutes. BY A GIRL).

Rahim Moore also got pretty choked up while on stage, and I think he has a great name for a saftey. You just got Rahim-ed up. Boom!

Would you look at that, Joshy McD, we actually drafted some defenders, what a novel fucking concept.  And on top of that, guys that were actually productive in college and went to succesful schools (and if you pop off about Nevada not being successful, go chinch with Osama). PS, that is 6th Round pick Virgil Green, who is super high in that picture and also a black man named Virgil.

Plus, Elway-God and Tebus Christ are bonding, so soon we will have a super quarterback.

You know, if the NFL ever comes around again.



#RAPRIL: A very fun month of Rockies baseball, and this team could still get a whole lot better. We are comfortably in first, and so far; Cargo can't hit, Ubaldo can't pitch, 3rd base is still a hole (and not the good kind), Street is living on the edge and we've almost been no-hit like seven times. And still, we be cool.

Hopefully things straighten out in Ray and we just keep on cruising. Usually the Rockies tend to heat up as the weather does, so fucking Colorado needs to get it's shit together and pump out some more 80 degree days so I can take off my shirt and drink beer and yell at Juan Pierre in center field (inside joke for all 10 people at the Rocks-Diamondbacks game with me).

Next year, totally making purple shirts with #RAPRIL on them. Put your money down now, I'm totally good for it.

Nuggtober Ends Early: I went on a pretty epic Twitter rant about the officiating in this series and will discuss it in more detail with the Dream Team in fucking July or whenever the NBA playoffs finally end, but the Nuggets got so shafted I just can't even invest in the NBA playoffs anymore. The double-standard and wildly inconsistent calls kill me. And I know a lot about those things, as I currently ref two nights a week. I'm pretty bad, but I think I could take Dick Bevetta in a ref off.

Since I won't be watching basketball, I'll be fighting my lovely new roomate Rocky and his master Eric for control of our super huge new TV (not actually ours in any way, all his) so I can watch...

HOCKEY: Which even though the Avs were awful, is much more exciting because it is almost always settled on the ice and overtime happens pretty much every night.

"Oh these NBA playoffs are awesome, so competitive and so much talent." -Every douchebag ever.

It only took about 40 games before the first overtime, you know how many overtime Stanley Cup games have been played this year? I'm not sure, but there has been at least one every night, so I can assume it's somewhere close to a fuck-ton.

Plus, skates, sticks and missing teeth look way cooler than tatoos and Kobe. Cheer for BRO-Vechkin and the Bruins, and not the Red Wangs.

Premier League: Hockey games too competitive for you? Well soccer won't be any better. Shit is getting real. My boy Torres is finally score again (not a typo, I think you have to do it more than once to say "scoring"). Barca and Real Madrid will play 4 times in 17 days (and even trophies commit suicide when Barca doesn't win). Liverpool is finding it's form once again and making a late Champions qualification bid. Clint Dempsey is the best EVAR at Fulham. Chelsea is poised to catch Manchester U in the last couple weeks. Drama-drama errawhere.


Charlie Sheen and #Manday: Nothing to do with sports, but this is how I spent my epic weekend. Full report soon.

Bacon cups and such,

Sack

Jersey Shore Hook-UPS: Season 3, Episodes 10-Reunion Super Deluxe Edition

So, it would appear that I took a little time off from the whole blog thing. Or I died. Fortunetly it is only the former. So I'm back, back from a Vegas vacation, the NCAA Tournament, time spent job hunting (and the crippling depression resulting from failure in said endeavor), from banging randos and losing my phone, yes back from all of that to jump headlong into like 4 Shore episodes and then get cracking on some actual sports crap.

This recap will tread a little lighter on the quotes and focus more on general snarkiness at "pivotal moments."

Episode 10: Cheese
Synopsis: Ronnie comes out like a Stage 5 clinger, following dumbass Sammy around like a lost puppy. "We're done," she says over and over, but Ronnie doesn't understand what this means, much in the same way professional athletes and toddlers don't understand what no means. It means no.


-The plumbers finally come (Snooki thinks the fat one is hot) and are surprised that they don't have maggots (but can maggots get maggots?) and are surprised to find that someone (aka Vincenzo) flushed a wifebeater down the drain. Why would someone do that? Who the fuck knows?

The meatballs give Mike a cheese bed, which causes him to not bang some girl due to her stank box, but he does let her give him head. We then get a nice PSA message to let everyone know that you can get STD's from oral sex, which Mikey apparently didn't know. You know how football players are donating their mashed up brains to science so we can learn more about the extreme damage that concussions cause? Well, I really hope Sitch donates his penis, so we can learn to fight the superHerps that are growing on his member.

Quote of the Night: "Wanna see my dwuck-phwone?" -Pauly D, to some whore.

Hook-Ups: Vinny- 2 (which pisses off Snooki), PaulyD- 1, Mike- 1.

Most Valuable Guido: Situation, because THE MORE YOU KNOW!

Episode 11: Gym, Tan, Find Out Who Sam is Texting (clever fucking title):
Highlights: The Situation let's dogs shit all over the place, which is the biggest cry for attention at all time. Not a funny prank.

-Vinny takes Pauly home to meet la familia. Those guys are really taking their bromance to a new level. Sam pumps the breaks on Ron-Ron.

-Vinny turns himself black, which is really is true race. On the way back Roger does "the dip," pissing off J-Woww. Ronnie immediately comes up with excuses for Rod-Gah, and Sammy does the perfect victim routine by agreeing.

-There is a water balloon fight. It is actually entertaining.

-Could someone please edit these episodes without Ronnie and Sammi in them? I would pay like $10/episode.

-I love that they spread the rumor all around the group before telling Sammi or Ron. It's like they learned nothing from Miami. Oh wait, I'm sure they didn't.

Quote of the Night: "If this relationship continues, I'll kill myself." -Pauly D, stating the nation's thoughts exactly.

Hook-Ups: Snooki- 1, Pauly D: 1 (kinda off camera).

Most Valuable Guido: The fucking dogs, God what a shitty episode.

Episode 12: A House Divided
Synopsis: Pauly holds Vin's hand while he gets his ears pierced. Really this is getting out of control.

-Jenny confirms that guys who ride Harleys or drive big cars have small penises.

-The stalker shows up to get more abuse from Pauly. I hope she shows up in Italy.

-Ron and Sam smush. Sun rises. Bird fly. They will fight later. They are the Pittsburgh Pirates of relationships.

-Vinny gets gangster. Shits all over some grenades, Snookers and then Sammi. Kinda acting like a doucher, but dumb shit happens when you're drunk and cockblocked.

Quote(s) of the Night: "Can you give her a ride now?" -Pauly "Can you give her a ride later?" -Vinny. Wowwww, that is cold blooded.

"All right, come on Snooki." -Gangster Vincenzo.

Hook-Ups: Off-Camera hook-ups for Vinny & Pauly, apparently.

Most Valuable Guido: Vinny. The kid was out of fucking control.

Episode 13: At the End of the Day
Synopsis: J-Woww's dad needs his own reality show. What makes that guy tick? How did he end up with a daughter like J-Dubs? Is he a famous musician? Artist? Pedophile?

-Deena busts out a whole lotta blockage of Vin's cock. He gets really bitchy. I really can't place much blame on Deena here. She gotta protect both her friends, but again, she should really stop having whorey friends if them being whores causes problems.

And Vinny really crossed the line with the Angelina dig.

-Say what you want about Mikey's rabble-rousing and underhandedness, but that kid is always the shoulder that Ronnie ends up crying onto, always the guy that is there for the hard times. Sure, he probably caused it, but he'll help get you out of it. Probably not because he likes you, but at least he'll be on camera.

-Ronnie again repeats his mantra of not falling in love at the Shore, but maybe he should stop looking at the same dumb whore for love?

Quote of the Night: "That rug is a symbol for Ron and Sam's relationship." -Mikey, pointing to the shit and piss covered centerpiece of the lovely Shore house.

Hook-Ups: I don't think anyone got a new one in.

Most Valuable Guido: Jenny's father.

Reunion: 
Synopsis: Vinny and Pauly are indeed getting married. Who says you can't find true love on a reality TV show?

-We discover that clearly Mike loves to have sex with himself and he struggles to work a bra. He also doesn't know how condoms work. And he made $5 million last year. I made about $15,000. Life is unfair.

-It is a Snitchuation Nation. I'm surprised he hasn't jumped on the chance to start a TMZ style gossip site.

-Deena totally liks assholes.

-"You still get a little emotional about this." -Stupid Joliesa the host, to Ron and Sam. Gee, you fucking think?

"You should make out." Pauly.

-Wait, MTV is just randomly throwing a Spanish Tylenol commercial at me? As if I wasn't embarrassed enough to watch this show.

Most Hook-Ups: Vinny with 7*. Congrats, but do to MTV's shitty editing we missed several

Guido of the Year: Vinny. From most bedpost notches, to fucking with Snookers, to his escalating bromance, to his non-stop sarcastic humor, Vinny was just on point this season. He just barely edges out Pauly, and basically they will share the award, like they share everything.

Honorable Mention: The Situation, just for his Trump Roast bomb.

LVG: Ron, for crying like a bitch in a record 15 straight episodes.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 9 Kissing Cousins

When we last saw the Jersites, it appeared that Sammy might be on the comeback trail. And this is America, and we do love a good comeback, but not from a stupid whore. Hopefully this doesn't come to fruition. 

-"Could you not be the worst cuddler ever?" -Snookers, just kicking some fool out of bed and out of the house.  Pimp hand strong!  Then she lines up another one. This fails. Pimp hand weak.

-Emo Ronnie is super emo.  Then he calls his daddy.

-"I'll stay another hour, because I know that she (Deana) took a shit and he (Sitch) bought a vehicle." -Pauly.  There is no way that this purchase of a Fitty motorcycle will end badly. Great entertainment ahead.

-Ronaldo Sr. has a super sweet stache.  That is what Ronnie needs in order to get back to being boss.  Sr. is a pretty good father, actually giving sound advice to his kid.  Now, if only he could get Junior to lay off the juice.

-"Snooks keeping it in the family." -Ronnie, actually laughing and behaving human.

-"There's no good, quality guys in Seaside." -Snooks, telling the truf.

-"They should have smushfest and get it out of the way...No feelings." -Pauly, on Snook and Vin. Because that always works.

-What an awesome prank...you spend hundreds to send some whores to Times Square.  IF you stuck them with the tab, then it would be pretty funny.

"Someone pulled a prank on me, now I'm gonna get them good," by not talking to them and eating dinner alone -Situation. Awesome prank No. 2!

-"It makes me realize what a gluttonous piece of shit I am." -Vinny. Touche.

-"Now he has to bang me, to earn my friendship back." -Snooki, on Vinny.

-"Snooki and Deena have once again showed why they defy the law of intelligence." Says a guy who spent hundreds of dollars to "prank" those dumb whores and was just ditched by his friends for being a selfish dick.

-"Hi Sammy," -Pauly. Ronald: (Exit stage left). Wish it was Ronald: (Chokeslams Sammy into coffee table).

MVG: Situation, I guess, but really a lackluster showing by everyone. Though, after his terrible season, a couple of "pranks" give him the dub.

Bed Post Notches: None. Wizzi-Izzi-Eak. Shit's weak.

Next week: Ronnie cries and acts like a bitch.  Lots of shit (literally).  Snooki kills herself (hopefully).

Melo Traded...Finally: I Not Even Mad Anymore

I want to have seething hatred for Melo. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I watch Nuggles games and see him clearly not giving a shit and I throw things. Plenty of times this season I have skipped on a Nuggos game to do anything else, rather than be put in the weird position of cheering for a player with two feet out the door. We knew Melo wanted to be a Knick and it clearly rankled Denver fans. We booed. We started fake twitter accounts to mock him (and his wife). Even though I laughed at it all and wanted to get my anger to Cutler levels, I can't say I really hate Melo, or even wish failure on him.

Even though the Melo-Denver relationship ended poorly, to say the least, we had some pretty good moments. Besides a brief moment in 94-95, once Melo joined the Nuggs out of 'Cuse, the Nuggets finally mattered in the NBA (at least during my life). We got new, powder blue uniforms and a legit NBA star. We made the playoffs every year. The most clutch late-game scorer in the NBA won us 13 games in the final 10 seconds, including the famous no-foul dagger vs. Dallas in 2009. We were two inbounds passes from playing Orlando for a championship.
There were plenty of lows, which have been documented all too well (Recap: Snitching, DUIs, brawls in the Garden, LaLa, etc.). Which is why I think a fresh start is better for both parties: Melo goes "home" to adoring fans, gets to thrive in D'Antoni's offense and join Amare & CP3 in the top-heavy East. The Nuggets get a ton of assets to rebuild in a Western Conference that will soon be wide open (Spurs, Mavs and Lakers are old. OKC is talented, but unproven. Everyone else is pretty much fucked or will soon be fucked) and some talented youngins that are NBA proven.
And the only way that we will ever end up playing Melo in anything meaningful is an NBA championship, which would actually be pretty fucking epic.

Even with this good will, Denver fans are not used to stars wanting out, not used to being the jilted lover, and many will hold a grudge (I'm anticipating a boo filled Christmas day match-up). Denver is a place everyone wants to be (look at all the goddamn Texans, Wisconsinites and Californicators) and we support our teams. Sometimes we may lose out on a prime star in free agency (A-Rod comes to mind) but usually Denver's star players enjoy the city and they leave a legend (Sakic, Roy, Elway-God) or they leave because our management fucked up (Mutumbo, Chris Drury, Big Cat).

Now, four times in three years, a legitimate star has been deleted from our town because apparently they wanted nothing to do with Denver (B-Marsh, Cuntler and Melo & Holliday). It hurt the most with Cutler, because we didn't see it coming. Marshall wasn't too surprising, we always knew he was crazy and Divacievers bounce around the league as a rule. Holliday wanted to get that cash, and we saw it more as greed for his departure, plus we got the Cargo in return.

Once it came to Melo, we all pretty much abandoned hope a couple months after The Decision, when Melo refused to renew with us. This lead to an awkward 8 months, where every true Nuggets fan knew Melo was gone and we had to put up with him. Instead of play nice, like we did with Holliday (and to a certain extent with Marshall), Nuggets fans decided to let him know that he was free to go, as Melo's actions clearly dictated his intentions even if he lied right to our faces.

But I do have to give him some props; he played hard almost every night (and really, took off games no more than he has his entire career), gave us a few good memories and at least feigned enough interest in staying/Jersey that the Knickerbockers had to go all in.

So good luck in the East Melo.

Meanwhile, I'll welcome the 4 new Nuggies with everything I know about each of them:
Danilo Gallinari: -Will be surprise celebrity guest on Season 5 of Jersey Shore.


Wilson Chandler: -Has two first names.

Timofey Mozgov: Is famous for trying to accesorize by placing Blake Griffin's balls on his face, a trend that I am sure will sweep the NBA in the coming seasons.
-Will hopefully be traded to Jersey (and into the loving Russion arms of Prokorov) for some draft picks.

Raymond Felton: -Is a quick point guard with a below average outside shot from UNC. Which, is kinda redundant due to the presence of Ty Lawson on the Nuggs.

2014 NBA Draft Pick: You are currently 15 or 16 years old, so good luck on that driving test.


Oh, you may have noticed that I haven't written at all about our other departing souls, because all I really have to say is, meh. Chauncey is classy, but he was holding Ty back, too expensive and old as fuck. AC can go die. All the Green Crosses in Denver will miss Balkman. I never saw Shelden Williams make a single shot for the Nuggs.

So yeah, I'm not gonna miss any of the Nuggets who just bounced, and the Nuggets future is bright, so let's hope they don't fuck it up, again.

And Melo and I will always have our drunken night two weeks ago at Chicago Louie's hot dog kart. I'll remember him every time I attend an ugly sweater Christmas Party:

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 8 The Great Depression

Last week, I hung out with real celebrities and then watched Sammi leave the shore...so basically, the best night EVAR!!!! Tonight, I went to an alumni mixer (yep, some school let me gradumatate) and then got drunker, but I didn't forget about my Shoretards. I found them with maximum Internet searching. So enjoy, the fruits of my labor.

-We begin with the Situation attempting to spread some cheer. It is retarded: "Listening to Mike talk about relationships is like (long pause) listening to a sailor talk about flying a plane." -Ronnie.

-Sam complains about Ron's abuse, but I seem to remember her hitting him. Yeah, he went Jihad Terrorist on her at the end, but she struck first.

-Jenny can hardly hide her smile while discussing Sammi. What a bitch! Love her. Ronni is still a bitch, crying like a twatty twat.

-"Team Meatballs: 1, Team Bromance: 0." -D-Na. I don't need to even make a joke about Snook and Deena calling themselves meatballs after throwing cake in Vin's face (witty). Even though I just did.

Vinny then tries to poo-pillow the whores, but apparently doesn't notice their fat asses hiding under the beds, even though the beds are about and extra foot high in the air with those fat assed whores underneath.

After this fails, Vinny lynches Crocadilly. Which is in no way racist.

-"I want Nicole to suffer." -Vinny. According to Nicole, all you have to do is try to stick your Seabiscuit in her. But that is equal punishment for Vin.

-"His name isn't Situation...but his name is now Snitchuation." -Vinny. No wonder everyone on the cast now hates him.

-"The toilet is clogged...because I live with farm animals." -Vinny, who would clearly be a hound. Sitch is a rat. Snooki is a bunny. Jenny is a stud horse. Deena is a heifer. Pauly is a border collie. Ronnie is a pig. I spent six seconds on these, but I think they work.

I was unaware that Vinny was related to Mario and Luigi, but it makes sense.

-Ronnie clogs the toilet, then goes and cries. HAHAHA. "Ronaldo!" -Snooki, who really needs to shite.

-So we moved all of Sam's shit, but forgot a bag. Instead of learning from the whole honesty note, we again lie. If it was up to these whores, we would have a Holocaust every week.

-"Have a coffee, then it will flow out of your butt like a friggin' rainstorm." -Snooks, so polished, to DeeeeeeNa, who can't pooooo.

-"They're are yours, because you touched them." -Ron, to dirty ass Deena, who clearly owns the soiled panties.

"They're not mine, because mine's are red." -Pauly.

-"If she Jersey Turnpiked it would be the best (mufled)." -Jenny, about D-Na's sewage problem, theorizing on the possibility of a code brown.

-"Girls that are my ex-girlfriend are smart enough not to beleive the Situation's shit." -Pauly.

-Props for Snooks trying to explain to Ronni that his relationship is shit. Too bad he is too tarded to figure it out.

-"I meet this little Mario brother." -Snooki, two Super Mario references in an episdoe. I expect Lemiuex make an appearance soon.

-"I wanna go home." -D-Na.

"Everyone loves you, don't go home, idiot." -Vinny, always sensative.

-Ronnie threatens to rape Deena's teddy bear and says she is like the little sister he never wanted, so he is going to keep fucking with her. She is so thankful for his support. The disconnect from reality again reaches levels previously though unattainable.

-Vinny's c-block revenge tactic is a little timid. If you are gonna go for it, you gotta go hard. Look at all those fat bitches, they don't half ass the cock-block, they do it big.

-"I have no idea what this kid's name is, so I might as well give him an ugly name." Like Bernard. Which is an ugly ass name.

-"Don't cry." -D-Na, to Ronnie. HAHAHAHAHAHA. What a puzie.


MVG: Vinny. Pranks war, check. Hook-up, check. Mocking Mike and Ron, check. Plumbing, check. It isn't a dominant effort, but in a half-assed episode, he pulls it out.

Bed-post Notches: Vinny, 1 (4, in the lead). Snookers (2).

Next Week: That whore returns. Snooks looks for dick. Mike sends the Meatballs to New York. I don't get drunk. One of these is a lie (Hint: It's the last one).

Sack Suggests: Things I Like, So Of Course You Will Too

I'm chock full of awesome. I have many friends. I do pretty awesome stuff. I'm pretty interested in myself, and what better way to be self important than to share my awesomeness with my friends. The following are all things I have recently enjoyed, be it food, music or books.

I hope you like it as much as I do...because you will.

TV:
Archer: The funniest show on TV. If you aren't watching, I really don't like you.

Food:
Mexican Pork: Get a crock pot. Get a nice sized pork shoulder. Add a few cups of water. Turn crock pot on low for about 8 or more hours. Place pork in fridge until fat solidifies. Rid yourself of that fat. Put pork back in crock pot for another couple hours with one big jar of salsa and whatever else you want (I go with jalapenos, chilis, hot sauce, black bean and corn). Let it cool. Eat in burritos, eat in tacos, eat in on nachos, etc.


4 Loko Chili:

P.S. They are now selling 4 Loko minus the energy. This is some bullshit. You know how to counter this P.C. crap? By 5-Hour Energy and dump that shit in. NEXT LEVEL DRINKING MANEUVER.


Roasted Tomato Pasta: Easy peasy and delicious. I would recommend for a date, but it's heavy on the garlic. But I love garlic, so making with a garlic woman would be tits. Plus, then I know she ain't no vampire.

What you need; about 10-12 Roma Tomatoes, a clove of garlic (crushed or minced), Italian Dressing, crushed red pepper flakes, salt, pepper. Whatever pasta you like (fettuccine is bawse)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Wash and halve tomatoes. Cover a large baking tray with aluminum foil. Place tomatoes on foil flat side up. Mix about 1-2 cups of Italian dressing, tablespoon red pepper, teaspoon of salt & pepper together. Put about a teaspoon of this mixture on each tomato. Drizzle remaining sauce over tomatoes.

Cook tomatoes 45min to 1 hour, until the tops start to brown. In the meantime, get your pasta cooked, and whatever side you want. Once tomatoes and pasta are done, mix about 1/2 cup of dressing and some more red pepper in a large bowl. Place 1/2 of the tomatoes in bowl, and then mash. Then, dump in pasta and toss. Place remaining tomatoes on top. Serve with a red wine, I recommend a nice 2009 Charles Shaw Merlot aka 2 Buck Chuck.

If the pussy isn't glossy at that point, better slip something in the vino.

Drank:
El Generalisimo: In a large pint glass half full of ice, mix equal parts Tequilla and whiskey (my favorites; Evan Williams and Jose Cuervo) until the glass is roughly 2/3 full of booze. Fill rest of glass with coke. Garnish with lime.

Hangover Cure:
Pedialyte : After three El Gens, and you will want to chug a bottle of Peidalyte prior to bedtime. Chock full of electrolytes and stuff to keep babies healthy, it is a lifesaver to cure hangovers. Best $2.99 you'll ever spend.

BOOKS! Read Them:
Since I am destitute these days, I do what all us poor folk do...go to the library. Once there, I fight off several hobos who are intent on whacking it on the free Internet so that I can print resumes (I prefer to masturbate in the privacy of my house looking through the windows of my rather attractive lesbian neighbors, natch). Anyway, one of the perks of this library is that there are a lot of awesome books to read there, who knew?




Open, By Andre Agassi: This might sound awful, as tennis is boring and everything you know about Still 'Dre is that he once married Brooke Shields, wore a wig and smoked meth, but it is really a great read. Agassi and his ghostwriter tell his life story, dealing with Agassi's central conflict; his hatred of tennis and his inability to be successful at anything else. It is frighteningly honest, extremely detailed and a very absorbing.


God Save the Fan: Will Leitch: The guy who started Deadspin.com, so therefore the guy who allowed Brett Favre's penis to become the Man of 2010, wrote this book a couple years ago. A bunch of hilarious essays vaguely tied together in an attempt to show how sports fans are getting screwed, and how there might be hope for better things. All this done with extraordinary snark and biting one-liners. So like a longer, better, version of this blog.

The Power of One: Bryce Courtenay: Best book I have ever read, and I've read it about 10 times. Story of a South African who rises above the extreme racism through the sport of boxing. That is probably a crappy, trite summary, but it is a simply splendid book, wonderfully descriptive and inspiring, with characters that I almost feel are my best friends (it is really hard to review a book without sounding gay).

MUSICA, The ten banginest bangers in Sack's library right now:
1. Irish Celebration: Macklemore and Ryan Lewis (bagpipes + drunken Irish= Yuuuuuuup).

2. Bad Guy: Wiz Khalifa. Stargate (Black n' Yellow) with just another banger. He's moving up to Jim Jonsin levels in my book.

3. Living Proof: Em and Royce Da 5'9". Bad meets evil, once again. Now that Slaughterhouse is signed to Shady, I expect many ripped beats in this fashion. Honorable Mention; Royce: Walking in the Rain.

4. The Show Goes On: Lupe Fiasco. This makes up for the fact that Lupe forgot which school he was at and called us CU. Almost.

5. This Is My World: Chamillionaire ft. Big K.R.I.T.  I love Cham, and this hits hard, with his always solid harmonizing. KRIT is allegedly not Bobby Creekwater, but he sounds exactly the same.

6. Something New: Black Prez. Foco's own goes pretty hard on this beat uptempo, pretty poppy beat. I'm expecting a solid Foco/CSU anthem out of him soon, especially if the Rammies go dancing.

7. Since The 90s: Pimp C ft. Gator Mane & E-40. RIP Pimp, but from beyond the grave he brings it on this throwback track.

8. H.A.M.: Kanye and Jigga. Hard. As. A. Motherfucker. (Travy Barker Drummer Mix makes it even better, if that is your bag).

9. Teach You To Fly/Stoned: Wiz Khalifa. Couldn't pick between these two, but Wiz is fucking smooth. CD of the year candidate, for sure.

10. Pass Out: Tinie Tempah ft. Chamillionaire. British rapper on a techno heavy beat, with the Mixtape Messiah. Yeah, I'm in. The OG version of this was British song of the year, apparently.

A Little About Sports

So, it has come to my attention that I am writing an awful lot about a certain television show and not about the original purpose of this show. Which is totally true, but if sports were as interesting and enjoyable as Jersey Shore, I would be posting daily. Instead, the Avs, Nuggs, Broncos suck, football is over and I am not from Purple Row so I can't pretend to be ecstatic about pitchers and catchers reporting.

Still, there are some interesting sports stories going on, so I guess I'll try to find the good in a depressing time. Tomorrow, I give you fun things to enjoy until the NCAA Tourney and baseball crank up:


Da' Rams: Clearly, the best thing going in sports right now is the Colorado State Rams men's basketball team.  Turrible for years, including Tim Miles' first season, when the Rams won 0 league games in the regular season (and guess who was beat writer for the Collegian that season? This guy! You know how fun it is to interview a team and write stories during a stretch where a team wins 2-26 games? Pretty much the worst thing ever).

Now, the Rams are actually selling out Moby Arena and should be in the NCAA Tournament with a 4-2 run down the stretch in MWC play. It won't be easy, but god damit it is going to happen.

And I'll be in Vegas again for the MWC tournament, and hopefully the seeding committee will be kind and let us play in Denver if we get that far, because I'll be working there as well.

The Black Super Bowl: The NBA All-Star fesitivities should be fun, almost solely because of Blake Griffin. What is he gonna do in the dunk contest? Who is he gonna yak on in the game? Why can't anyone think of a nickname for him (I think we should just call him Holy Shit, because that is what you say after every dunk)?


AAA: Aaron Afflalo's recent play has given me hope that this Nuggets team can be fun to cheer for next season, especially sans-Melo. Now, if only the bitch-made Knicks would just cave and make this trade, Denver would be a young team with roster flexibility, instead of this stagnant, stupid concotion that we currently trot out. I would appreciate an exciting team, as my future job in ticket sales with Los Nuggos would be a lot easier if they weren't terrible (knock on wood).

Plus, I find it pretty interesting that post-game winner, all of AAA's teammates were out celebrating (with me and Mark Cuban /name drop) but he was nowhere to be seen. Either he was home being responsible, or I can't recognize him (let's hope it is the former).

Denver: I have probably had as many great times in a month in this city as I had in three months in San Deigo. Which is due in part to a couple factors; 1. I have a lot more friends here. 2. I am currently unemployed and therefore never encumbered by this work thing. 3. When the local team is successful I can celebrate with the locals here, unlike SD where I hated everything about their pathetic sports franchises.

Plus, Spring is clearly on it's way. Yes, we'll have the occasional cold and snow, but the tide is changing and the -20 degree days are behind us. Can't wait for baseball, Wash Park day-drinking and outdoor basketball. Fucking eh, summer.

Squash:  It is fucking fun and I'm a natural. I will challenge any of you. Please, because I think the median age of Squashers is 72.

Tim Tebow: I know he's not gonna play next season due to the labor bullshit, but everytime I mention his name I get like 1000 hits, so Tebow Tebow Tebow.

Seriously though, the Broncos should be getting a stud defensive player or two in the draft, which might make us watchable next year, if next year exists.

Welp, that is all for the good stories in sports. 2011 getting off on the same foot as 2010. Steller.

Again, tomorrow I play critic and give you my picks on music, lit, TV and more.