First off, I hate almost everything about the actual X-Games. Especially the douchey X in the name that helped spawned X-treme deodorant and X-treme douche rags. The X-Games are the sports equivalent to Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, designed for those aged 8-16 but for some reason popular with those college aged. Plus, I hate:
-The fucking way people talk ("sick nasty pow-pow"). Especially when those same people tend to get on me for "talking black."
-The awful commentary ("Wow, bro, [insert name of snowboarder] is really going huge. Aspen, make some noise to help him even though he is listening to Atmosphere on his headphones right now and so high he doesn't know what country he is in.")
-How ridiculous the sponsorship is ("Let's go to Super Gay Sal Masakala at the Jeep Pizza Roll Taco Bell ESPN Trophy Stage, sponsored by the US Navy), especially since snowboarders and X-athletes were never going to sell out and were such REBELS, brosef. You fags sold out quicker than Tickle Me Elmo dolls in 2000.
-Shaun White. He wins everything. Even the SnowCrosXtreme. And if he doesn't win, no one fucking knows any of the other people. Because unless you are actually related to or went to preschool with one of the athletes (like I did with Peter Olenick /namedrop) then you couldn't really give two shits about who wins.
With all the negative out of the way, there are two positives to the X-Games:
1) Everyone from the Roaring Fork Valley collects their group of shithead friends and brings them home for a weekend of drinking, debauchery, a free concert, as little actual X-Games events as possible and drinking. It is awesome. Almost Xtra-awesome.
2) Sometimes people fall spectacularly and break like 50 bones. Sadly, this has gone down since they got rid of Frozen MotoXtreme (who would have thought that would be dangerous?)
The X-Games spawned some awesome stories, so I will attempt to share the best ones, in chronic-logical order. I'm sure I forgot some, so make sure to remind me. As you will see, there was much drinking, smoking and a startling number of near-death experiences.
2005: Freshman Year
Number of Guests: 7
Missouri Heights Sack Residence
-After months of asking who wanted to attend, and finally settling on seven hall mates, two more decided they were just about an hour before we left. I told them no. They said they would come anyway. Saying they would sleep in a car in my driveway and were going to do it no matter what. They then left voice mails suggesting that they in fact came up anyway and wanted to fight us all for leaving them behind. They actually never showed. A pretty good joke, thinking back.
-The first night, while at a good ole Bonedale party in a garage, a fight broke out between two Carbondale kids. It wouldn;t have been a big deal, except each had their college friends with them, who then joined in. The hostess of the party also shut off the lights right in the middle of fight, to "help," leading to complete chaos. My friends didn't get involved, because they were so high they thought Indians were sneaking up on them from the woods. They all just stood outside and watched the fight through the windows, like it was some sort of TV show.
-The Actor was on of the hall mates on the trip and, like almost everyone , had purchased a small baggie of MaryWeed from the Dealer (also on the trip). Well, at some point during the weekend, he lost this bag and made a statement that it could have been at my house. I wasn't really perturbed, as my parents are chill, but this lost bag of weed would play a focal point on the next trip.
-The free concert was the Roots, and it was the best concert I have ever been able to attend. If you get a chance, do not miss the Roots. They are fucking awesome.
-The Actor, Doodie, the Dealer and the Sad Panda all left on the final Sunday, to get home early. Which was a terrible idea because of Sunday ski traffic, but that would soon be the least of their worries. Heading through Glenwood Canyon, the Actor's Explorer nearly had a rock fall on top of it. They got lucky one of them (or more) wasn't crushed, but the rock rolled under the car, fucking up a tire. So they then spent several hours getting repairs, barely beating the group that left that evening back to Fort Collins.
2006: Sophomore Year
Number of Guests: 8
Ranch at Roaring Fork Casa
-The Dealer, Cartman and Doodie, were pulled over and given paraphernalia tickets in Longmont or somewhere at the very beginning of the trip. This delayed them quite a bit.
-My car arrived pretty early and we went to a party at Teej's house. By the time the Dealer's crew came, I was all sorts of tore up while they were relatively sober. Once we got back to my house, the Actor and I began arguing over the baggie of weed from the previous year. I was pretty blacked out, but according to reports I yelled:
"My parents found your weed, they told me."
"I've known my parents. I've known them for 20 years."
"You LOST THE WEED."
To make matters worse, I kept repeating those lines all while my parents slept about 30 feet away. Fortunately, they use a fan to make noise and put in ear plugs when I have guests, so they truthfully heard none of it.
-I had not asked my parents if they found the actors weed. It finally came up this year, and as it turns out, they did not find it. I probably owe the Actor an apology, but I think the statute of limitations is up.
-The concert was Damian Marley, which was pretty good. The highlight was Stubbs pissing on some kid during the concert and then narrowly avoiding a public urination ticket after the concert. Also, a some of the group tried to sneak onto a RFTA bus through a broken window post-concert, but got caught.
2007: Junior Year
Number of Guests: 6
RRF Casa
-The Marine, D-Fresh, Kilometers, Wheel got faded while I drove to the mountains. We also got awesome X-treme temp tattoos at a Taco Bell prior to arrival.
-We played the most epic game of Zoomie-Zoomie ever at Jam's house. It probably lasted for 3 hours.
-At the conclusion of the party, D-Fresh was subject to the bait-and-switch routine, as he was lured into a car by the promise of one girl and then passed onto another girl. We may have known this was a possibility, but sandbagged him anyway. And then, when he was frantically calling for escape, we ignored his calls and watched him get hauled away. He then woke up the next morning at a strange house with no cell phone reception. We may be bad friends, but at least we weren't cockblocks, right?
-The concert was Common, who sucked. The highlight was watching people throw snowballs at him and the opening acts. There was so much booze snuck into the park that my father, who worked for the city, said they had to have volunteers picking up glass all the way until May.
-Following the concert, we made our way to a local bar, and then we were supposed to all take the bus home together. All of my friends decided to bail on the frantic push to get onto the RFTA buses that would take us home, instead ditching me to get a ride from Aaron Carter Jr. Well, the plan was not to let anyone drive, because we had all been drinking, but they went ahead. Slightly drunk ACII then went a little too fast down Buttermilk Road, hitting some ice and doing a "720 Cliffsyde Spin," scaring the shit out of everyone in the car. Luckily no one, not even the Range, was hurt.
-On my bus ride home, I was basically followed home by a girl that wanted to get with ACII. She came to my house, stuff happened, I assume, and then I decided that my parents wouldn't be down with some random whore popping up the next morning, so I demanded that he "Get that whore out of my house." So ACII had to take another drive to get take her home, this one much less eventful.
2008: Senior Year, Lap 1
Number of Guests: 0
I was sick of X-Games and skipped it. There was no concert, so I said fuck it.
2009: Post Grad Internship
Number of Guests: 3
Parental-less RRF Casa
-About a half of a mile I was pulled over heading out of Foco for "Failure to Yield." Not a big deal, if Kilometers and Rubric hadn't baked a fresh batch of pot brownies for the weekend.
-The pot brownies did come in handy during the Pennywise concert, which was pretty awesome.
-The main highlight was Tommy Frazier headbutting and splitting open my eyebrow during an argument about "Asshole" that was still going hours after anyone remembers playing Asshole.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 9
Why? Why must it end? I feel like it was only a month ago that we all moved in together and made out in the hot tub. Now, we all have to return to our parents' houses.
When we last checked, Ronald was claiming self-defense after running 30 yards to clock some fool. Now, he is in jail. And everyone sleeps in too long and they are late to pick him up. Some family.
-"Should I call 9-11?" Yes, Snooks, call 9-11 to find someone in jail.
-"Israelis would have shot someone."- Pauly D.
"Israelis would have been like (Scarface machine gun mime)." -Vinny. Jewish people are going to love that.
-Juicehead Central. The Baseball Hall of Fame is in Cooperstown, New York, maybe the Juicehead wing should be in Seaside, Jerz, so McGwire and Sosa can have somewhere to be enshrined.
-"10 will get you 20, Mike." -Vinny. "Age of consent in New Jersey is 16, enough said."
My daughter is never setting foot inside the state of Jersey. Ever.
-"She can be my new girlfriend for the next few months, until I break up with her before next summer."- Sit. I'm wish that I had seen this show when I was an impressionable teen, because I would have tried to act like this guy. Instead, I read Tucker Max's stories and just drank mass amounts of booze and assumed the girls would be impressed. Not sure either plan would have been great.
-Snooks gets all sorts of pissed that Keith won't hang out. The man has a job. Not everyone just gets to
Then she gets all pissed that no one will come down to the boardwalk to dance with her. Go up to the bar. Or is she too short to climb steps? Climbing up to that bar would have been like Summiting Everest.
-"(The arcade) is sort of like Chucky Cheese...For dudes." -The Sit. Good save, Mikey, but I know you actually prefer the trim at Chucky's.
-The Situation says Snicks is like his little sister, then goes and hooks up with her (actually,
-"If you are hungry, try a Snickers." Wonder how much MTV made from that quote.
-Vinny finally retaliates to Mike. Something about Bulldog girls. It is fucking weak. I would have pissed in his bed. Both appear ready to settle for a tie in their competition. They say a tie is like kissing your sister, which is very fitting for Vin and Mike.
-MONTAGE...EVERYBODY LOVES A MONTAGE.
-"20-30 years from now I'll remember everything." -J-Wowwwww. Even though she can't ever remember last night.
-"'The Snooks' is out." Classic. Ending the show with 3rd person. Drink.
Commercial break: I will never, ever watch a second of the 'Lovely Bones' due to all the fucking commercials I have been accosted with while watching Jersey Shore and the Real World. In fact, I want to find the actress who played that girl, and stab her. Come get ME, Marky Mark.
Reunion:
Bonus Shore. /Fist Pump
-In the bonus round, Vin calls the Situation the house mother. Does that mean he hooked up with his own sister? The incest comes full circle. But a point for Vinny in the battle. 5-4, or something. I'm too drunk to really care.
-"You have to walk through the Weeds to get to the flowers." -Mike. Yeah, but you don't have to fuck the weeds.
-I think I should take all of the best Jersey Shore quotes, put them on a calender, and sell them. Mix in some "New Haircut" lines and some other famous Guido quotes. Guido-a-day calender, coming 2010.
-"I'm never going to go hungry" -The Sit, talking about eating Shore Beef (aka that pussy).
"Not with the kinda girls you bring home." -Ron, with authority.
-"Boyfriend or not, I don't care. He is a sucker." -Pauly D, just called out Tawmmy. If they do a season two, he needs to come up to fight Paul. That would be TV Platinum.
-Vinny's mom is awesome. I want to bang her.
-The Situation and Angelina are awesome together. They need to get her to come to the Shore next summer. They might 'smush" or one may shoot the other, but it would be great for dranking. And that is what is important.
-Ronny and Sam's breakup only happened six months too late. GAAAAYYYYYYYYYY. And possibly more staged than the WWE. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT YEAR? Am I going to have to wait a whole year? Will Ronald kill her and bang the corpse? So many questions.
-"Did any cops walk away with my number?" -Ron. Yes, the cops did. Your driver's license, your case number, your cell block number, etc.
-If you were playing the fistpump=drink game, you just died. Sorry 'bout that.
/BLACKOUT
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Superchargers...HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHHHHAHAH
What? Huh? How the fuck I lose to Dirty Sanchez?
Good job, assholes. At least the Broncos had the respect to lose in the regular season. You guys got your hopes up so high. And then, WHAMMY! No soup for you.
You lost to Marc "Poise" Sanchez becuase Rivers the Floatation Device and Nate "Towlie" Kaeding choked like Sasha Grey on a fatty cock. This is the best Christmas ever.
I was seriously going to move from San Diego if these cockbags won the Super Bowl, but, "What me worry?" No, I had no reason. With el ducho numero uno Norv in charge and the biggest collection of Vag-slurpers in the West, the Chargers DID WHAT WE THOUGH THEY WOULD.
Fifty fucking years in the league, and a big fat zero under the Super Bowl column. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And in your one trip to the big dance, you got treated like a concierge in Eagle checking on Kobe's room. Suck a fatty dick.
I am so proud that as soon as
On a related note, Warren Moon was drunk as shit at the Pizza place co-owned by my work last night. I hope he hung out with Marmalard, because I think soon those two assholes will be linked in history as biggest chokers of all-time.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 7 and 8
-"Only thing that we care about is gettin' girls. And going to the gym." -The Sit. A great response to the Rammy drama.
-Rammy is that annoying couple that is convinced everyone is jealous when everyone is really just sick of them. I hope they fucking die.
-Snooks has really started growing on me. She is so tiny, so bubbly. And she really is the only one that is able to keep the house together. I hope she finally gets fucked. By John Deere. "I've been with goats, sheep, deer, horses." Has she ever been with a man?
-Why is Vinny worried about the Situation wearing a condom? Or is he just worried about what the girl will catch? Probably the latter.
-Jersey tweet of the week. Jack O: The Jersey Shore "family meeting" was like a re-creation of the Lincoln/Douglas debates.
-The Situation just fucks up the situation. He should trade names with Drama from Fantasy Factory, because Drama never causes drama and always ends up in stupid situations.
He destroys that poor girl, fucking her in the hot tub and then not waking her up. Now that is a way to make it onto MTV. Should have just done a porn movie, honey, at least you would have made some money.
-Vinnie vs. The Situation, Round 1: Mike starts off with a few jabs, but Vinnie comes with a fucking haymaker. "No game? That's not what your sister said." Vin gets the points. V=1, S=0.
-Vin's game is my game. I pull girls that my friends know. I am Vinnie. Edy is the Sit. And guess who hooked up with his "little sister?" Yep.
-Vinnie vs. The Situation, Round 2: At the club, Vinnie starts making moves on Mike's sister again. Then he disses her, but the Sit shows some awesome strength with a wicked reversal by forcing Vin back to her. Vinnie throws some solid shots at the Sit by making out with lil' Sis, but it appears that Mike gets the W when he separates the two at the end of the night. That is until the Situation Without Abs sneaks downstairs to spend the night with Vin. The excitement of this contest blows Pack-Cards out of the water. V=2, S=0.
-Pauly D feelin' the Jew. Until she says no sex til marriage. Record scratch. Pauly D is not on the ones and twos.
-AC bitch. Fitting that a shitty Jersey Shore paradise would have the same initials as the shitty Nugget. Even when I boycott the NBA, reminders everywhere.
Apparently it was "Don't make fun of the fatties" week on MTV. Or body image week. Shockingly, almost every girl on the network has an eating disorder. It's like they seem to have a certain profile they look for on this network.
-A girl in a bubble bath has never been less sexy than Snooks and yet I have never seen anyone over 5 have more fun in a tub (maybe Tubgirl, I dunno) than she did. To see the world through her eyes...
-Vinnie vs. Situation, Round 3: The Situation snakes Vin's girl, and Vinnie gets all sorts of bent out of shape. Deservedly so, but you did not give her up, she just straight left. And Vin, I'm sure a girl that slutty had sucked off a couple of dudes that day before even finding the club. Though the Situation does take this round, Vin sneaks in a late, questionable shot at the bell by letting go of J-Woww so she can throw that twirling, backhanded punch. V=2, S=1.
-"We left the club at 4am and we had been there since 12. That's like 5 hours." -Ronald. Stick to knocking fools out.
-No idea why J-Woww wanted the Sit. to leave. Stupid fucked up bitches, cockblocking out of control. If you throw up, you leave yourself. You don't need any fucking help. Unlike the Sit, who hides behind three body guards and talks shit. Last year Brandon Marshall said Joey Porter had "popcorn muscles." I disagree with Mr. Marshall, but Mike has popcorn muscles for sure.
- "If you leave tonight I'm going to stuff your nose with tampons" Snook to J-Woww
-"I don't really remember his face because I was wasted." Snooks, discussing the new love of her life, John Deere. She is on a fucking roll tonight.
-"I'm not trashy unless I drink to much." -Snooks again. Semi-Mike Tyson-ish tonight with the quotables.
-Turns out that Pauly D's girl is a Mossad agent.
-Vinnie vs. The Sit, Round 4: Vinnie does a Mike impersonation on the phone. Gets rid of the stalker. Mike mixes up some "old funk juice, with a pickley smell" and hides it in Vinnie's room. Advantage Mike, considering that shit lasted like three days. V=2, M=2. Oh man, it is a barnburner.
-"I'm not pissed off that Mike and Pauly put pickles under my bed, I'm pissed that they wasted like two pickles." -Snooks.
-Whatever they are eating while Pauly D tells that bitch off looks amazing. I want some. Philly cheese-steak. MMMMMMMMM.
-What kind of girlfriend watches their man make out with Snooki and then has her friends break it up. WTF is that all about. Then Snooks goes to find a man, who rocks a wicked chin strap. That is someone you can settle down with.
-Ron-Ron lays the fucking Boom-Boom. "One shot kid. One shot bro." Says
-The way that guy is after being knocked out is awesome. Lofty position. Scotty McKnight is jealous. Face down, ass up, that's what happens when we get fucked up.
Winner of the Vinnie vs. Situation battle: In typical Jersey Shore fashion, we'll find out next week....
ON THE FINALE...DUH, DUH, DUUUUNNNNN
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
FREE GILBERT: Boycotting the NBA
Agent Zero is always carrying
(IF you find this blog post a bit rambly and unfocused, it was not that I was up too late while still hungover from a work trip, it was a nod towards Gil's wonderful and ramblin' blog on NBA.com, that the NBA hasn't pulled yet, shockingly. Or at least that is the excuse I am sticking with.)
Until Agent Zero returns I refuse to watch the NBA (live). Oh sure, I wasn't watching much anyway, due to the fact that I don't have Altitude out here and hate several of the marquee players and fans with a smoldering passion, and I am just one man, but what the NBA, aka Stern, did to Gil isn't right. And the Wizards trying to run him off is even worse.
It is well known that Gil is my favorite NBA player. I love him and I refuse to let a little gun possession sway my man-crush. I mean, I live in a state that voted the Terminator in as governor, I think it is clear this country is gun-obsessed. What is worse, starring in tons of movies that glorify violence or telling someone to shoot you in the knee? BUT IT WAS IN AN NBA ARENA.
If Delonte West isn't suspended for his gun-possession and reckless behavior, I don't understand why Gilbert is. The man made a stupid mistake. He should be suspended eventually, probably for about 15-20 games, for that stupidity, and he might have some jail time, but banning him mostly because of his jokes is childish.
Basically the NBA suspended Gil for laughing about the situation. That is how he handles everything. He never threatened anyone, despite Peter Vescey's godawful and incorrect story, so he used Twitter and his fingerpistols dance to lighten the mood and reinforce the fact that he isn't a "gun-toting thug," as he was painted by some in the media. Everyone in that huddle has a look of unbridled joy on their face, they know that Gil isn't really a threat.
It has been argued that Gil had to be suspended because he didn't express regret and was joking about it, but some people handle regret by making jokes. I am one of those people. I can laugh at failure. I hate failure, I hate when I make mistakes, but to get over I would rather laugh it away than cry or feel miserable. The laughter is a coping mechanism. Sorry if that offends people, but I would rather have an athlete be able to laugh at their mistake than have them play the PR game with contrived press conferences and or run away to hide like Tiger.
But image conscious David Stern doesn't like people to make jokes. Still over-correcting from the Brawl in the Palace, Stern is an old, white guy who thinks that white America hates basketball because it is played by young, black men. If someone is that closed-minded that they won't watch a sport because of the race of the players then you aren't winning them over, no matter what.
Quit trying to take the hip-hop and the edge out of the league, to appeal to white folks. I don't love to watch the NBA because of guys like Tim Duncan. Yes, he is a great basketball player, but Arenas connected with me as a fan. I would pay to see him play. He is not only very talented, but he has a sense of humor that the NBA loved, until it went to far once, and then they cut him off and have basically kicked him to the curb.
Just like when Melo got 15 games for slapping someone and Nate Robison got only ten when he started the whole brawl, Stern makes no sense. Fuck that fucking guy.
Gil was the one NBA player who always said what was on his mind, why would he change now? It is the way he deals with stress, he laughs it off. His Twitter account was the most entertaining I have ever seen, even if it only lasted for three days. You shouldn't take a man's livelihood away because of a joke.
There are a ton of NBA players who have done worse, and they saw little to no punishment, but Gilbert is unfit to play because he isn't PC? That makes no sense. Ruben Patterson is a fucking registered sex offender but he gets to play again. I already mentioned D-West. JR killed a guy. Todd Bertuzzi gets to play hockey after paralyzing a guy. Shit, is this country so reactive that we will throw Gil out of the league for putting himself in danger.
If the NBA even gave a timetable for the suspension I could see it, but just an indefinite suspension. That just makes it tough for unstable people like Gil and myself to deal with.
And the Wizards organization is the worst. They made a mistake signing Gil's huge contract, but now they are using this opportunity to try to cut their losses. Ernie Grunfeld handed Gil too much money and, in order to save his job, now is trying to save his own ass by cutting Gil loose after ratting him out to the league office. The organization then got rid of everything Gil, taking down pictures and editing him out of pregame videos. This is all based on the moral high ground that recently deceased Abe Pollin hated guns (why he changed the name from Bullets to the uber-gay Wizards). But the Wiz still sell Bullets merchandise and obviously weren't super anti-gun, as two players on the team felt comfortable taking them into the locker room.
The NBA has a gun culture. Tons of players have been robbed. Shit, Gil plays in the same city where Sean Taylor played, I think he might know the danger being a rich celebrity has. He isn't the first, nor will he be the last NBA player who brings a gun to the arena. I guarantee you that many of them carry, and Devin Harris' 75% statement is probably true. So will they make an example out of Gil because this story was sensationalized? I guess they are.
And until I have my Gilbert back I won't be watching any NBA games live. Or until I forget about this pledge the next time the Nuggets are on TNT.
Bonus Prediction:
When Gil gets back in the league, and I say when, not if, he is going to fucking kill the league. He has always had an edge and has punished teams for screwing him over, and maybe his huge contract took off that edge and made him feel bulletproof (pun intended), but no one wants to play an angry Agent Zero, I can tell you that.
(IF you find this blog post a bit rambly and unfocused, it was not that I was up too late while still hungover from a work trip, it was a nod towards Gil's wonderful and ramblin' blog on NBA.com, that the NBA hasn't pulled yet, shockingly. Or at least that is the excuse I am sticking with.)
Until Agent Zero returns I refuse to watch the NBA (live). Oh sure, I wasn't watching much anyway, due to the fact that I don't have Altitude out here and hate several of the marquee players and fans with a smoldering passion, and I am just one man, but what the NBA, aka Stern, did to Gil isn't right. And the Wizards trying to run him off is even worse.
It is well known that Gil is my favorite NBA player. I love him and I refuse to let a little gun possession sway my man-crush. I mean, I live in a state that voted the Terminator in as governor, I think it is clear this country is gun-obsessed. What is worse, starring in tons of movies that glorify violence or telling someone to shoot you in the knee? BUT IT WAS IN AN NBA ARENA.
If Delonte West isn't suspended for his gun-possession and reckless behavior, I don't understand why Gilbert is. The man made a stupid mistake. He should be suspended eventually, probably for about 15-20 games, for that stupidity, and he might have some jail time, but banning him mostly because of his jokes is childish.
Basically the NBA suspended Gil for laughing about the situation. That is how he handles everything. He never threatened anyone, despite Peter Vescey's godawful and incorrect story, so he used Twitter and his fingerpistols dance to lighten the mood and reinforce the fact that he isn't a "gun-toting thug," as he was painted by some in the media. Everyone in that huddle has a look of unbridled joy on their face, they know that Gil isn't really a threat.
It has been argued that Gil had to be suspended because he didn't express regret and was joking about it, but some people handle regret by making jokes. I am one of those people. I can laugh at failure. I hate failure, I hate when I make mistakes, but to get over I would rather laugh it away than cry or feel miserable. The laughter is a coping mechanism. Sorry if that offends people, but I would rather have an athlete be able to laugh at their mistake than have them play the PR game with contrived press conferences and or run away to hide like Tiger.
But image conscious David Stern doesn't like people to make jokes. Still over-correcting from the Brawl in the Palace, Stern is an old, white guy who thinks that white America hates basketball because it is played by young, black men. If someone is that closed-minded that they won't watch a sport because of the race of the players then you aren't winning them over, no matter what.
Quit trying to take the hip-hop and the edge out of the league, to appeal to white folks. I don't love to watch the NBA because of guys like Tim Duncan. Yes, he is a great basketball player, but Arenas connected with me as a fan. I would pay to see him play. He is not only very talented, but he has a sense of humor that the NBA loved, until it went to far once, and then they cut him off and have basically kicked him to the curb.
Just like when Melo got 15 games for slapping someone and Nate Robison got only ten when he started the whole brawl, Stern makes no sense. Fuck that fucking guy.
Gil was the one NBA player who always said what was on his mind, why would he change now? It is the way he deals with stress, he laughs it off. His Twitter account was the most entertaining I have ever seen, even if it only lasted for three days. You shouldn't take a man's livelihood away because of a joke.
There are a ton of NBA players who have done worse, and they saw little to no punishment, but Gilbert is unfit to play because he isn't PC? That makes no sense. Ruben Patterson is a fucking registered sex offender but he gets to play again. I already mentioned D-West. JR killed a guy. Todd Bertuzzi gets to play hockey after paralyzing a guy. Shit, is this country so reactive that we will throw Gil out of the league for putting himself in danger.
If the NBA even gave a timetable for the suspension I could see it, but just an indefinite suspension. That just makes it tough for unstable people like Gil and myself to deal with.
And the Wizards organization is the worst. They made a mistake signing Gil's huge contract, but now they are using this opportunity to try to cut their losses. Ernie Grunfeld handed Gil too much money and, in order to save his job, now is trying to save his own ass by cutting Gil loose after ratting him out to the league office. The organization then got rid of everything Gil, taking down pictures and editing him out of pregame videos. This is all based on the moral high ground that recently deceased Abe Pollin hated guns (why he changed the name from Bullets to the uber-gay Wizards). But the Wiz still sell Bullets merchandise and obviously weren't super anti-gun, as two players on the team felt comfortable taking them into the locker room.
The NBA has a gun culture. Tons of players have been robbed. Shit, Gil plays in the same city where Sean Taylor played, I think he might know the danger being a rich celebrity has. He isn't the first, nor will he be the last NBA player who brings a gun to the arena. I guarantee you that many of them carry, and Devin Harris' 75% statement is probably true. So will they make an example out of Gil because this story was sensationalized? I guess they are.
And until I have my Gilbert back I won't be watching any NBA games live. Or until I forget about this pledge the next time the Nuggets are on TNT.
Bonus Prediction:
When Gil gets back in the league, and I say when, not if, he is going to fucking kill the league. He has always had an edge and has punished teams for screwing him over, and maybe his huge contract took off that edge and made him feel bulletproof (pun intended), but no one wants to play an angry Agent Zero, I can tell you that.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 6
Sorry this is late, but because of some issues with DirectTV tivo (i.e. it sucks my balls) I was unable to give you my Jersey Shore Situation until now.
Yep. Shit is going down. Vinnie finally did something productive in this show by stealing the bosses girl, now we get to see what happens. And hopefully Ron-Ron beats some ass. And hopefully people say horrible things that I can quote and then mock. Armed with Admiral Nelson, Hornitos and a splash of Pepsi (El Generilisimo, I dub this concoction), to the
-The Vinnie
-"I usually don't feel bad taking someone else's girl, per se, because that is the girl's fault." Touche, Vin, touche.
-GTL. Rules to live by in your Guido handbook. That is Gym, Tanning, Laundry. There is so much work that goes into being a Guido, I don't think I could do it.
-Vinne is a creeper, just like all the other Guidos, but he is just silent. His efforts to pull Mike's sister were awesome, and according to the aftershow, the cast said that they thought Vinnie
[Sidenote: Am I the only one really confused by these Guidos making a really big deal about little shit like making out, holding hands, etc. IF you are at a club like the ones they go to, dancing all up on each other's shit is just socially acceptable, and many times it leads to making out, but it really doesn't mean jack shit. I'm not sure it really even counts as hooking up. The Sit getting all uppity about holding hands with Sam and then making out with Ronnie is ridiculous. You aren't in high school (though their mindsets may be), I think an appendage has to be inserted into an orifice to qualify as hooking up, but maybe that is just me. I know hook-ups aren't limited to sex, but I don't think making out on a dance floor equals hooking up either, right?]
-For a guy who didn't really do anything besides get Pink Eye from a farting old lady (at least according to Mikey) in the first couple of episodes, Vinnie apparently was at work below the surface. Again, the aftershow divulged that he was involved with several ladies, almost all of whom were connected to someone else in the house (Sit's sister, J-Woww's friend, Danny's girl and maybe Angelina's friend early on). Slick and admirable, at least to me, since I have discovered this is more my game than pulling random girls at bars.
-"I'm like the first strike, reconnaissance." -Situation
-Snookers: "If one thing leads to another, I'm not going to tell him to get off." I would hope you help him get off. That joke was too easy.
But then she gives the guy an out. You can never do that. If you aren't a prize catch yourself you can't give hope of something better. People will always choose Door #2.
-I love that Sammie gets so butthurt about her "Flintstone big toe." What a fucking whiny bitch. Her and Ronnie are fucking worthless. It is good her and the Sit never really got together, or else that would totally have ruined his role. Ronaldino is so whipped it hurts me. The best is when she calls her big toe a "personal issue." I have just begun skipping through their scenes. Fucking worthless.
-"Unbelievable, huh, Snooks. It is so hard to find a good man these days, that is why I date women." -Pauly D with a quote as nice as his beats.
-When it appears that Ronnie has broken up with Sam, I love that Vinnie is happy as fuck. No one like those two. It was very ballsy of Snooks to just straight up tell Ron and Sam that everyone hates them. Actually not Ballsy as it was just the liquor talking. My bad.
-Ronnie goes to "Creep" on some girls. It is good to know that Creeping is an acceptable term for picking up chicks. Glad to know Guido and Creep are both positive connotations these days.
-Mike ask Snook to kick out the fat one. "Will I know?" "Oh yeah, you'll know."
-The undercard: Snookers vs. Fat Bitches: Basically, Snookie needs to learn to fight or duck, according to Pauly. And Mike really needs to figure out how to quit bringing baggage back to the house. Has anyone had a worse reputation from reality TV than the blond grenade since Omarosa? A cockblock and a charging Rhino. She is probably the only person who doesn't love this show.
-"Your ride's here." Vinnie to the fat girls, as the trash truck pulls up.
-Snookie's attack on Mike, with what appears to be a giant inflatable monkey kills me, especially finishing the attack with a risky backside balls shot while he carries her over his shoulders.
-I need Vinnie's mom to visit me once a week.
-Sam and Ron are like gasoline and matches. Or Pauly D and a barbecue.
-The Main Event: Ronnie whooped that guys ass. Granted that guy was fucked up as shit, but he got fucking mashed. The only time Ron really got hit was right at the end as they were separating (or, as I like to call it, the Chubbs Special). I can't wait for the Jersey Shore Boxing/Wrestling/Ultimate Fighting Show five years down the road. Or maybe these Guids will move on to compete in the Real World/Road Rules shit, since I'm pretty sure Road Rules last aired in 1999.
-Ronnie decides to cool down by flipping picnic tables. Over/under one-year until Ronnie pulls a Charlie Sheen. I'll choose the under. He'll beat Sammie like Fred Flintstone used to Barney.
Next Week: In Guido Mecca, J-Woww beats Mike's ass. I can't wait.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 5
When we last left Jersey Shore, Snookers had just taken a shot to the jaw. It was beautiful, until MTV cut it. Weak. It was nowhere as tough as the LaGarrett Blount Falcon Punch . Really, those are the two moments that will always stick in my memory when I think of 2009, Snookie and the Blount. Kind of shows what a bleh year 2009 was, that two white bitches getting socked are my defining memories.
Anyway, I know that I am late with this, but I was still so drunk/hungover when this episode first aired that I was incapable of drinking (and I also had to report to work on New Years), and I didn't want to rob you of my drunken opinions of the
-Honestly, how in the world did the Situation not beat some ass. Just one or two swings, even half-hearted and that guy is dining on pussy the rest of his life. He would be a hero for standing up for girls everywhere. Instead he froze like
-Mike "El Situation" creeping still after Snooks got blasted was maybe the most hilarious moment of 2009. Just absolutely no class. That is like stealing a man's wallet after he gets jumped, lays bleeding to death, and not calling 911. And yet he still comes off better than some of the other cast-members at the close of this episode. This cast is more shallow than a kiddie pool.
-The cops make Snookie walk home. Jersey Shore Po-Po need to step up. You even make the Bonedale Police look lazy.
-Everyone decides they actually like Snookie after she gets KTFO. As if that is some sort of badge of honor.
-Even Ron-Ron's parents are shallow and all about themselves. Or, as Vinnie calls them, good people. (Wa-Wa-What?)
-Ron, to his mother: "Drink your Mimosa, smoke another cigarette and take it easy." Ron, your mother just wants to get her cancer tan on, don't make her get her cancer smoke on.
-Vinnie is like a fucking lost puppy so far in this show, just tagging along. For fuck's sake, do something. If anyone is playing my game and drafted Vin, you now know how Detroit Lions fans have felt about every draft since 1989 (Barry Sanders, fyi).
-J-Woww's advice to Snook. "Let's drink heavily." Based on that line alone, I want to marry her. She is a woman after my own heart. Every situation can be solved with shots and rapid chugging of beer.
-Snookers, on killing Lobsters: "I don't like to eat anything that is alive when you kill it." Good thing it is a well-known fact that cows are born dead, or else hamburgers would be off my personal menu as well.
-DJ Pauly D, on the strength of his hair gel. : "I'm not sure my hair is bulletproof, but I'm not about to test it." I am willing to bet there is a significant portion of Americans that are willing to test this for you. "I'll play the part of the barber and put a part up in your hair. Sit inside of my barber's chair, I'll let the four-fifths clippers clip a ni--a" Gratuitous rap lyric supplied by Ray Cash- Killa With the Flow (prod. by the Kickdrums
-Pauly D on some girls: "They aren't whores. We might have to see them once or twice." Vinnie piles on. "Some girls will come in and jump into the hot tub. Some girls you have to treat like human beings." I hate bitches that I have to treat as human beings. I want to fuck alien bitches. Mainly illegal alien bitches. You have to pay less that way. And you can beat them up without paying extra.
-FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT. Chick fight and Snookie didn't even get a fresh one in the kisser. J-Woww done Guido Windmilled some bitch. Then, she had to adjust her boobs, because they were pointing completely different directions. Like googly-eyed Jason Ibanez from my high school soccer team (or Stuart Scott, for you non-Carboners)
ASIDE: I see a whole shit load of boob jobs out here in Cali, and all I can say is, girls, go the whole ten yards. Don't half-ass a boob job like J-Woww. I appreciate all boobs, real or fake, but when they look like they are trying to separate like Jon and Kate (whoo, totally out of date reference) it kinda grinds my gears. Make sure you go under the muscles, the over-the-top treatment just doesn't work. Boobs should work together, they should not be trying to avoid each other like the polar sides of magnets.
-Ronald dispenses some great advice, on J-Woww's boyfriend Tom, who is a biggity-bitch: "I would send her a picture of my dick and some bubble gum." If I ever were able to have an ex-girlfriend, I would send her this. I should send this to
-Vinnie finally breaks out. Stealing the bosses bitch. What a way to finish. It only took him five episodes to finally shine. Is he a Chauncey Billups, a late-bloomer who became captain clutch, or is he a Kenny Anderson who teased us with potential and never amounted to shit? The jury is out.
Next Week: Is only two days away. The best part about procrastinating is that you shorten the waiting time. Right?
P.S. The Real World features some kid from CSU. I will update on him as well, but the AZN summarized him best after one episode, and when I can steal material, I do (Ignore her bad grammar):
Why the fuck wasn't I on the Real World? Bullshit!"thanks to RW23 and Andrew, Colorado is represented as a nerdy, hilarious lying, sexually active but not really at all, racist, retarded, stuffed animal lovin, kind of creepy, kind of awesome state... HEY RAMMIE, way to rep your C-STATERS."
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Weekend Sack-Up: There's the Kyle Orton we all know and hate
I watched about five minutes of yesterday's game. If I wanted to watch a three-hour disaster where I knew the ending I would rather watch Titanic, because at least there are boobs in that. Denver missed the playoffs when they shit the bed against Washington and Oakland. Still, my futile effort was better than the one made by the Denver defense in getting reamed by the immortal Jamal Charles.
Oh, and Kyle Orton certainly dealt with the loss of Scheffler, Royal and Marshall by getting blacked out to the point that he thought Derrick Johnson was wearing blue and orange while channeling Cutty-Buddy.
All I know is the Broncos better vastly improve on both the offensive and defensive lines next season. You win games in the trenches and we got destroyed there like the French in WWII.
I also know that I am going to miss Brandon Marshall. He is a beast, but I see no way that he comes back. Hopefully we get some compensation for him. McDaniels needs to find us a QB.
Three years in a row we have blown the home finale with a playoff spot on the line. Fuck that shit.
I guess, based on the way the year started with McD pissing off everyone and alienating Cutler, this shouldn't have been a surprise, but after a 6-0 start this is still severely disappointing. At least I'm not a fan of a team that lost 9 straight to lose the season (oh wait. Thanks to CSU my football teams have combined for two wins in their last 17 games. WOOOOOO)
Oh, and if you expected pictures you can go fuck yourself. I'm pretty happy that I was able to make it out of bed today. If you hear of a slaughter of Chargers fans in the next couple of days, you should probably wipe this blog from your internet history, lest you be culpable somehow.
Nuggs: Chauncey and Melo out and the Nuggs at least pulled off one W. Get healthy, boys.
CSU Basketball: Beat the shit out of Yale. How Do You Like Them Apples? /Matt Damon movie. What, wrong school? All those Ivy League schools can go suck a dick anyway.
Also, if you are a CSU fan you need to check out Reaching the Peak, the CSU basketball reality TV show. It is on the MTN, but actually pretty well done. Timmy Miles cracks me up every time, especially his constant speculation about Jesse Carr's pelvis. (How is that for a teaser).
CSU Football: Joel Dreessen had his best NFL game ever for the Texans. Check out this shit:
Fort Morgan's Own
Too bad guys named Chris/Kris Brown combined to cost the Texans at least four games this year.
New Years and Club Shit: New Year's Eve at the club was actually very uneventful. The day before NYE was much more eventful. It was the night of the Holiday Bowl, so all sort of Nebraska and Arizona fans and players dropped by afterward. Ndakumognganga Suh was there as well. But the real highlight was my first semi-chokehold and kneedrop on some drunk asshole who tried to run away after getting into a fight and knocking over some shit.
The clapping wasn't necessary, but thank you.
New Years consisted of a really boring night watching amatures get way too hammered, but at the end of the night my bosses rented a party bus and a suite at a badass Sheridan that overlooked the bay. So while most of you assholes were passing out after getting cleared out from the bars, I was drinking free booze. All night and until the sun rose.
Then, as the sun was rising over the lovely Pacific Ocean, I took a cab to a bar that had opened at 6AM for 3$ U-Call-Its. I had a few Bloody Marys before finally heading home to pass out at 8:30AM. That is how New Year's is done.
Avalanche: Still rolling along at a pretty good pace. 18 games until the trade deadline, the Avs need to make a little push so they can add a couple of pieces at the deadline (I'm thinking a couple of veteran wingers who play good D while also being able to chip in a few goals.
Rockies: Miguel Olivo instead of Yorvitt. Not sure that is what I would call an upgrade. Hopefully Dreamy Iannetta hits above .220.
Tweets of the Week:
gilbertarenas: i guess everyone wants me to act like the rest of the nba twitters players...(i bought a shirt today from the mall)(practice was tough 2 day
-Yep, Gilbert began tweeting this week. I wonder why? Do they not let you tweet from jail?
Seriously, I'm sure it was just a joke gone awry, as he said. The man made a dumb decision, but he shouldn't be sent to jail, ala Chedder Plax. This shit will blow over, I hope. Because the man is Nick Cannon. Hil-Lar-E-Ous.
jimgaffigan: "I gotta feeling" that I'm gonna get really sick of that Black Eyed Peas song.
-I will stab Fergie if I ever see her, but she probably won't come back to SD after pissing her pants during Street Fest a few years ago.
Go Fuck Yourself: Every week I choose someone special to fuck off. This week, it is Fox:
Dear Fox,
You need to stop broadcasting college football. You are fucking awful. Just fucking pathetic. So go fuck yourselves.
You make me so angry while watching games that I yell at my father to put it on mute. Thom Brennamen and whatever other shitcunts that you have in the booth continue to call players the wrong name and only slurp the stars, because these games, only the biggest of the year, are probably the only games that they have watched all year. Plus, I get Jimmie fucking Johnson and other dickeared manginas telling me about the game, like that asshole has watched a college football game since he left Miami in 1988.
Plus, you have way to many fan and band shots. Instead of showing interesting stuff like replays or stats. Nope, I get 5000 shots of Potato-fucking clowns from Boise wearing TOTALLY RAD facepaint. And if you must show fans, show hot girls. Find a few, and just show them. I have been TCU, I know that there are only atractive girls everywhere. How your cameras kept zooming in on purple fatties I will never know. As for Boise, errr, well, put Ian Johnson's fiance at one of the 40 yard-lines and cut to her. I understand hot girls from Idaho are hard to find.
You finally found some hot TCU girls crying at the end, when it was far too late. I don't want to see crying hot girls, that is the time that I like the beautiful shots of the crying fatties and kids.
And please, bands are not to be shown up close. Show them from the fucking blimp, spelling out cool stuff on the field. Those fucking nerds are the dregs of humanity and have no business on my TV. If I was fortunate enough to have an HDTV I would have been forced to switch to the regular feed.
GO FUCK YOURSELVES
P.S. Troy Aikman and Joe Buck are so shitty that they influenced my hatred, without ever appearing on my TV screen.
This Week: I'm terrible at following the schedule I set, but you will get two Jersey Shore updates this week. Guido's honor. One from last week and one from Thursday's show. The Nuggets/NBA discussion will be moved back a week or so at least, it will just be a midseason report, not a 1/3 season.
Oh, and Kyle Orton certainly dealt with the loss of Scheffler, Royal and Marshall by getting blacked out to the point that he thought Derrick Johnson was wearing blue and orange while channeling Cutty-Buddy.
All I know is the Broncos better vastly improve on both the offensive and defensive lines next season. You win games in the trenches and we got destroyed there like the French in WWII.
I also know that I am going to miss Brandon Marshall. He is a beast, but I see no way that he comes back. Hopefully we get some compensation for him. McDaniels needs to find us a QB.
Three years in a row we have blown the home finale with a playoff spot on the line. Fuck that shit.
I guess, based on the way the year started with McD pissing off everyone and alienating Cutler, this shouldn't have been a surprise, but after a 6-0 start this is still severely disappointing. At least I'm not a fan of a team that lost 9 straight to lose the season (oh wait. Thanks to CSU my football teams have combined for two wins in their last 17 games. WOOOOOO)
Oh, and if you expected pictures you can go fuck yourself. I'm pretty happy that I was able to make it out of bed today. If you hear of a slaughter of Chargers fans in the next couple of days, you should probably wipe this blog from your internet history, lest you be culpable somehow.
Nuggs: Chauncey and Melo out and the Nuggs at least pulled off one W. Get healthy, boys.
CSU Basketball: Beat the shit out of Yale. How Do You Like Them Apples? /Matt Damon movie. What, wrong school? All those Ivy League schools can go suck a dick anyway.
Also, if you are a CSU fan you need to check out Reaching the Peak, the CSU basketball reality TV show. It is on the MTN, but actually pretty well done. Timmy Miles cracks me up every time, especially his constant speculation about Jesse Carr's pelvis. (How is that for a teaser).
CSU Football: Joel Dreessen had his best NFL game ever for the Texans. Check out this shit:
Fort Morgan's Own
Too bad guys named Chris/Kris Brown combined to cost the Texans at least four games this year.
New Years and Club Shit: New Year's Eve at the club was actually very uneventful. The day before NYE was much more eventful. It was the night of the Holiday Bowl, so all sort of Nebraska and Arizona fans and players dropped by afterward. Ndakumognganga Suh was there as well. But the real highlight was my first semi-chokehold and kneedrop on some drunk asshole who tried to run away after getting into a fight and knocking over some shit.
The clapping wasn't necessary, but thank you.
New Years consisted of a really boring night watching amatures get way too hammered, but at the end of the night my bosses rented a party bus and a suite at a badass Sheridan that overlooked the bay. So while most of you assholes were passing out after getting cleared out from the bars, I was drinking free booze. All night and until the sun rose.
Then, as the sun was rising over the lovely Pacific Ocean, I took a cab to a bar that had opened at 6AM for 3$ U-Call-Its. I had a few Bloody Marys before finally heading home to pass out at 8:30AM. That is how New Year's is done.
Avalanche: Still rolling along at a pretty good pace. 18 games until the trade deadline, the Avs need to make a little push so they can add a couple of pieces at the deadline (I'm thinking a couple of veteran wingers who play good D while also being able to chip in a few goals.
Rockies: Miguel Olivo instead of Yorvitt. Not sure that is what I would call an upgrade. Hopefully Dreamy Iannetta hits above .220.
Tweets of the Week:
gilbertarenas: i guess everyone wants me to act like the rest of the nba twitters players...(i bought a shirt today from the mall)(practice was tough 2 day
-Yep, Gilbert began tweeting this week. I wonder why? Do they not let you tweet from jail?
Seriously, I'm sure it was just a joke gone awry, as he said. The man made a dumb decision, but he shouldn't be sent to jail, ala Chedder Plax. This shit will blow over, I hope. Because the man is Nick Cannon. Hil-Lar-E-Ous.
jimgaffigan: "I gotta feeling" that I'm gonna get really sick of that Black Eyed Peas song.
-I will stab Fergie if I ever see her, but she probably won't come back to SD after pissing her pants during Street Fest a few years ago.
Go Fuck Yourself: Every week I choose someone special to fuck off. This week, it is Fox:
Dear Fox,
You need to stop broadcasting college football. You are fucking awful. Just fucking pathetic. So go fuck yourselves.
You make me so angry while watching games that I yell at my father to put it on mute. Thom Brennamen and whatever other shitcunts that you have in the booth continue to call players the wrong name and only slurp the stars, because these games, only the biggest of the year, are probably the only games that they have watched all year. Plus, I get Jimmie fucking Johnson and other dickeared manginas telling me about the game, like that asshole has watched a college football game since he left Miami in 1988.
Plus, you have way to many fan and band shots. Instead of showing interesting stuff like replays or stats. Nope, I get 5000 shots of Potato-fucking clowns from Boise wearing TOTALLY RAD facepaint. And if you must show fans, show hot girls. Find a few, and just show them. I have been TCU, I know that there are only atractive girls everywhere. How your cameras kept zooming in on purple fatties I will never know. As for Boise, errr, well, put Ian Johnson's fiance at one of the 40 yard-lines and cut to her. I understand hot girls from Idaho are hard to find.
You finally found some hot TCU girls crying at the end, when it was far too late. I don't want to see crying hot girls, that is the time that I like the beautiful shots of the crying fatties and kids.
And please, bands are not to be shown up close. Show them from the fucking blimp, spelling out cool stuff on the field. Those fucking nerds are the dregs of humanity and have no business on my TV. If I was fortunate enough to have an HDTV I would have been forced to switch to the regular feed.
GO FUCK YOURSELVES
P.S. Troy Aikman and Joe Buck are so shitty that they influenced my hatred, without ever appearing on my TV screen.
This Week: I'm terrible at following the schedule I set, but you will get two Jersey Shore updates this week. Guido's honor. One from last week and one from Thursday's show. The Nuggets/NBA discussion will be moved back a week or so at least, it will just be a midseason report, not a 1/3 season.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Top Songs of 2009
I'm not participating in any of this end-of-the-decade-list shit, but I will throw you my top songs of 2009, because, face it, you are all overly impressed by how awesome my taste in music is. I basically went through my top rated on Itunes and took the ten rap songs that I felt would make me remember 2009, specifically and then I added the five total songs of other genres that I downloaded. Join me after the jump if you care, and I know you do (Spoiler: Shockingly, no Rihanna) :
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