But today, November 18, 2010, something magical happened in the world...Clint Barmes, formerly known here as [name redacted] or [worst fucking player ever] or [Samurai-pose popout to shallow right field], was traded to the Houston Astros for someone named Felipe Paulino. I don't know a thing about Felipe Paulino except that the Astros think he sucks and he has a 5.7 something ERA, but he has vaulted into a spot as one of my favorite Rockies of all-time thanks to being the man who vanquished Barmes.
Every time Clint Barmes pops out to shallow right
someone gets AIDS. Which is why there is so much AIDS in the world.
Freed of all my Barmes-angst, I am now extremely excited about this upcoming Rockies season, even if we don't add another player (though I would love Justin Upton to come play in Coors. An outfield of him, Cargo and Dex would track down errrathing and steal 120 bases) I feel better about this Rockies team all ready.
But more on that later, now, we must begin our tour of the Jamie Carroll Wing of Sack's Hall of Hate. Located on the corner of Ciccerelli and Schottenheimer, the Hall of Hate was built in the late 1980s when a young Sack cried while watching the Broncos lose...to anyone. Young Sack didn't handle losses well and therefore started hating anyone who dared ruin the perfection that was Elway. As this hate evolved, it began to spread a number of different ways. We have seen glimpses of this hate on this blog (Raiders, Chargers, Buffs, etc.) of entire teams and fan bases, but I also posses a lot of self hatred (why must that one layer of fat persist in blocking my Situation? Oh, we were talking sports).
Which leads us to the Jamie Carroll wing of the HoH:
How can I hate players on my own team, you might ask? Well, watch Manny Corpes pitch 100 times following the 2007 season, or see Dre Bly get burned for a 12-yard completion on 3-and-11, 40 times and suddenly you learn to despise these players. I don't really hate these people as human beings* (except Jamie Carroll) as I haven't met most of them (and the ones I have met have been delightful) but as soon as they pop up on my TV screen I want to stab them. So, without further adieu, we begin.
(Going from team I love most, to team I love least. Like ranking favorite children, not an easy task, but an important and necessary list to make)
Bobby Vomhoff Plaza, Colorado State football and basketball:
Named for *Bob Vomhoff, the biggest asshole I have ever met. Stupid, ugly and a woman beater. This is not based on an arrest or allegation, but by the fact that I have personally seen him hit two women in my lifetime and heard of several other first-hand accounts from people I know and trust.
Hije ya wife, hije ya kids!
-Marcus Houston: The Utah fumble and getting stopped at the 1 vs. CU in 2005 cost us two games, and without those two losses Sonny stays as coach and CSU is still baller. I blame it all on his former-CU attending ass (not the fact that Sonny's assistant were ass for his last 7 years).
-Dale Layer: Great recruiter, shitty coach and kind of a dick to me as a first year journalist. Then again, he knew he was gonna get canned and was trying to do whatever to save his job, so blaming the media probably didn't hurt.
On notice: TJ Borky (catch the ball, young man).
Clint Barmes Mezzanine, Colorado Rockies:
The entire wing of the HoH is named for another failed Rockies 2B, Jamie Carroll, who is basically a smaller, shittier version of Barmes. Everyone loved both players because they were "scrappy, small and hard-working." Codewords for shitty, shittier and white, respectively. They were drains on the Rockies lineup, just so awful but loved by Rockies fans for no reason other than the fact that they were white, hit .240 and "hustled." I would rather have a lacksidasical, uppity EY Jr hit .230 and posses game-changing speed than ever see another one of these guys get another PA for Colorado.
Barmes was electric as a rookie, then he hurt himself riding ATVs and lied. He was a .300 batter pre-injury, but that was before everyone realized he was a dead pull hitter. In his entire Rockies career he hit like 2 balls hard to the opposite field, one of them last season which shocked the shit out of everyone in the stadium to such a degree it went for an inside the park homer. Did he realize this and adjust? Nope, not Clint. Like the goddamn younger brother in Signs, swing hard and hope you hit something. You know what, Barmes' batting results were very similar to that movie; effective at first, shitty as hell on any repeated viewing.
Career highlight: His 0-14 with an error performance last year vs. Philly in the NLDS. It cost him his name.
"Fuck Jamie Carroll. Everyone loves Jamie Carroll because he is small and he sucks."
-Me, to Trophy Wife's parents after they gushed over him for about 5 minutes. September 2007
Carroll sucked on the Rockies during some of their worst seasons when he started, then ended up getting benched in 2007. Coincidentally, that year the Rockies went to the World Series (not a coincidence). I was a strident hatred that whole season, and when he came up during game 163 vs. San Diego with Holliday on 3rd, I was sure he would fail. I promised never to say another negative word about him as long as I lived if he came through. He barely did, with the weakest sac fly in history.
I kept my promise for about 3 months, even inserting his shitty ass into the lineup during videogames, until he bailed on the Rocks to play for the goddamn Indians, the shitty franchise that choked away the ALCS to roided up Boston forcing the Rocks into that long ass layoff before the World Series (getting more and more bitter every year about Colorado getting hosed in that World Series). Once he left the Rocks, I decided to go back to hating him.
And man does it feel nice.
-Mike Hampton and Denny Neagle: You guys really sucked. Ruined summer for like 10 years.
-Brett Saberhagen: I am distantly related to you and you also stole tons of money and never did shit. Way to let down the family.
-Pretty much every Rockies pitcher from 1995-2007 save Pedro Astacio, Kevin Ritz and Curtis Leskanic: You were all pretty bad.
-Mike Lansing: The one position player in history to post worse numbers after moving to Coors Field. That level of suckitude isn't possible to grasp.
-Brian Fuentes: Made ever save a goddamn adventure and single-handedly took 10 years off my life. San Francisco, enjoy this title and Brian Wilson's dumb antics while you can, because he is just a funnier, luckier Brian Fuentes. Next year is gonna be bad for him.
On notice: Chris Iannetta. Yorvit (if he comes back, but his September clutchness and my drunken convo with him won me over. For now).
Brad May Hallway, Colorado Avalanche:
Named for the dickbag captain of the Canucks who helped spearhead the Burtuzzi-Moore paralyzing. Later signed to the Avs, which was the post-lockout moment where Avs management threw battery acid in the gaping wounds of their fans (and now they wonder why Colorado is hesitant to embrace them again? Derrr!).
-Eric Lacroix: Pierre's son, who sucked and pissed off everyone in the Avs organization. Maybe cost the Avs a couple titles in the late 90s.
-Tyler Arnason: If he was playing Edmonton only, he would have been the best player in the world. Sadly, the Avs only play Edmonton 8 times or so. When not playing the Oil, he was about as effective as me. He now sucks in Russia or something.
Dre Bly Room, Denver Broncos:
Named after the shitty cornerback who couldn't cover anyone and was somehow worse at tackling. Like Deion Sanders, minus the skill and speed. Every cornerback will look bad opposite Champ, getting tested all game, but Dre was fucking terrible. He was the straw that broke Shanny's back, ushering in this confusing, shitty Broncos team that torments me.
-Tim Tebow: Not him, but the media coverage of him and his Jesus Powers makes me ill.
-Bill Romanowski: Spit in people's faces, took cheapshots, took drugs, pissed of Shannon Sharpe and was overrated. Only linebacker anyone remembers from Super Bowl years, even though John Mobley and Glenn Cadrez were way more important.
Then he played for the Raiders. Douche.
Brian Griese: Gave him so many chances to win me over and he just kept fucking it up.
-Tyrone Braxton: Because he wore Sports Specs. Man I hated anyone who wore those. Get contacts, asshole. And stop doing yayo and angel dust.
-Ashley Lelie: I loved him so much at Hawaii and expected so much. Instead, he was a big pussy. A PIF: Pass Intended For.
-John Lynch: Was so overrated during his time in Denver. He was like having a fourth linebacker that was old and slow. Except he played safety. But Denver fans sure loved to have a whiteboy out there.
On notice: Knowshon (stay healthy, young man).
TBD Amphitheater, Denver Nuggets:
This area of the HoH is currently under construction and the bidding for the naming rights is intense. Melo is currently the frontrunner, but pretty much every Nugget in the last 7 years is also pissing me the fuck off (except Bird, Afflalo, Lawson and the unnamed scrubs). Francisco Elson had his name on the old version, but this room will be so large I'm not sure he is a marquee enough name.
Melo: If he leaves, especially via free agency and fucks us, he wins this honor. I have never been done this dirty in my life.
Then again, if you go through this list of shitty players Melo has had as teammates, I kind of understand his desire to flee.
-Elson: So, so bad at basketball. Somehow had career highs in points and rebounds in both games in which I watched him live in the Pepsi Center.
-Yakouba Diawara: Three-a-wara bricked so many shots the Nuggets had to hire extra people to maintain the baskets.
-Marcus Camby: What good is a 20-foot jumper from a 6-11 center? None. For all his blocks and rebounds that build his defensive POY rep, Camby always left his man wide open to make the glamor block and never crashed the offensive boards.
-Nene: Last year I was on the other side of Trev on this arguement, but now Nene has pissed me off as well. Play tough, not like the area Brazilians wax (pussy, get it?).
-Edward Najera: Shitty, too small to match up, hustler, lighter than most players. Check, check, check, checkaroo. Eddy was a fan favorite solely because he wasn't black and he appeared to be trying really hard. Which he was. He tried really hard and still looked really shitty. That is a problem, not something to applaud.
-Dermarr Johnson: A great story to make it back to the NBA after basically dying in a car crash. Too bad he didn't understand how to play basketball ever. Oh, Cincinnati, why are all your players so dumb?
-K-Mart: Greg Oden Sr., except more expensive.
Anthony Carter: The Human Turnover plays like he drives. Fast and drunk. That isn't a good combo.
JR Smith: Also plays like he drives. Uhh, too soon?
Vashon Leonard and Dale Ellis: Two 3-point specialist who never seemed to make a clutch 3.
On notice: Chauncey (step up and lead this team, old man. And if someone argues, slap them. Don't be acting like a CU bitch, step up and get this team in line.)
*Exception that proves the rule. This guy really is the biggest asshole to step foot on Earth.
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