USA 3, Slovenia 2, Fucktarded Ref From Mali 1: I was so angry about the events in this game that I decided I must go through the entire game and post my thoughts, sorry this could be a little long.
6:45 AM: Sack awakes from semi-drunken slumber. Attempts to sort out why he is awake so early again.
7:00 AM: I finally get up after mashing snooze and turn on TV to see the kickoff. Holy shit, they really don't dick around with these times. Unlike MLB and NFL where a 7 o'clock game means about 9:45.
1' (Switching to soccer time from here on out): Just 15 seconds in and Dempsey throws a bow right into some douchy roundface's round face. Somehow doesn't get carded. Apparently also using all the good will this ref would allow the US.
2' I arrive at the bar down the block as the second customer, the only one who actually seems intent on watching the game. The old lady named Carol tending the bar looks very confused when I order a Coors Light. "I usually only serve coffee this early." And I'm usually sleeping, but when America needs me, dammit, I will heed her call to drink.
5' Bradley feeds a nice ball to Findley, who makes a bad touch and can't get a cross in. We luckily get a corner, but Donovan uses the occasion to try to break the ankles of the Slovenian at the near post. Get it up, son.
13' I speculate to myself, "Hey, at least we are almost through the first 15' without giving up a goal, great star...Son of a whore."
The entire US defense decides to watch as Birsa recieves a pass, takes a couple touches, stutter steps, licks his finger to check the wind, read a scouting report on Tim Howard's defense and jerks off before lacing one in the goal. A nice hit, but not so nice that no one did a thing. Oneywu just stood there, no midfielder tracked back, even Howard failed to give it the courtesy dive. What the fuck, fuckos?
15' US gets a set piece and Donovan barely misses a couple heads in the box. It becomes apparent that the Slovenians can't cover the US in these situations.
23' Onyewu lets the tall, Willard looking motherfucker run free on a long ball into the box. A number of old guys have shown up at the bar and they are all drinking coffee. Fuck me, I guess it isn't 5 o'clock here.
35' Altidore earns a free kick just outside the 18. Torres laces one to the corner off the free kick and nearly catches the keeper napping. Donovan also just misses flicking it in. On the following corner DeMerrit comes flying in and almost buries a splendid header. The old sitting next to me decides he is in a bar after all and makes his coffee a "nutty irishman" by adding Jameson or something. Fuck yeah!
39' Donovan with a great tackle that frees Findley, who proceedes to fuck up a 4-3 advantage by playing a weak cross that would embarrass a 7-year old. Donovan punishes Findley by playing the following corner directly off his face, and the ref decides this is clearly a handball. All in all a spectacular sequence.
Findley gets a yellow and a golden chance for the US is wiped away for no apparent reason. Ian Darke calls it "maybe the stupidest decision" he has ever seen.
Seconds later the US nearly equalizes again, with a very pretty combination run, but Dempsey cross is just not enough to get over to Donovan. As always, when you have this many chances and can't score...
42' Ljubiajankic is barely onside as Onyewu is slow to step and he beats Howard, who doesn't take the best of angles. The Slovenians then do some gay little dance which can best be described as the "Fork in the Garbage Disposal" Dance. It is really, really gay, even for faggy Euros.
HALFTIME: After throwing my hat across the bar in disgust I decide a change of venue is needed, along with a change of drink. I head home and tweet:
"For luck all USA fans need to shotgun a nice warm American beer. It may no help, but at leas we will be drunk #shotgunfortheusa"Then add:
I've switched to drinking busch and left the bar to scream swears freely at my house. #shotgunfortheusa
Additionally, Bob Bradley subs in Edu (not Freddy, but the good one, the one some people call Maurice woop, woo) and Feilhaber. I also bet he chewed some ass. It worked.
48' Cherundolo plays a nice ball over the top, misplayed a bit by the Slovokian defender, and Donovan goes in and just buries one with almost no angle. It seemed he was looking to cross for a while, and the keeper Handanovic was thinking likewise, until he ran out of time and roofed it, actually causing the goalie to flinch away from the shot. Terrible keeping there, but a great shot and a great willpower goal. Donovan was not to be denied.
What a silly, little faggot!
I can only assume at this point I woke my neighbors, by jumping screaming and running out to my "patio" to shotgun another Busch Light.
50' We almost equalize, but Dempsey barely flicks it and Gooch is a step slow (this, it seems, is a pattern).
Darke tells us that this is the same field where Brazil came back to beat the US 3-2 last year. Good karma.
69' Schuller pulls down Altidore and is very lucky to recieve a yellow. US gets a PK from just outside the box. On the set piece Altidore finds a loose ball in the box and his turn-around shot from the penalty spot has eyes only for Handanovic's chest.
Around this moment I tweet: "This ref is fucking garbage."
80' Gomez comes in for Onyewu, finally. Seconds later Bradley is turned away on an ambitious shot by Handanovic. The US has tilted the field but is quickly running out of time.
82' Donovan a long pass, Altidore stands tall and heads the ball down, Gomez's run occupies Cesar the central defender. It leaves Bradley all alone vs. Handanovic and he one-touch volleys the ball in for the tie. Even though I was all alone, there was pandemonium in the Sack household. Chairs were tipped over and beer thrown. What a glorious moment! Nepotism FTT (for the tie)
85' After the Slovenians threaten a little, Altidore draws a foul outside the 18. Donovan swerves in a beautiful ball, Edu is uncovered in the middle with Dempsey right behind him as he buries the cross. The US has completed a monumental comeback and is minutes from stealing one of the most improbable wins in World Cup history.
Except, youknow, the fact that the US was called for a foul. Which is obvious in this picture:
I mean look at all those calls that should have gone against the US. Look at Bradley using the highly illegal piggyback move...smh
or this video
Fuck this motherfucking motherfucker. Fuck Mali as a country, people and motherfucking record label /Tupac.
And then there is this asshole:
Slovenian defender Marko Suler was adamant the referee had made the correct decision to disallow Edu’s goal and accused the Americans of roughhouse tactics.Really? The better team that should have lost 3-2. As the US had more shots, possesion, corners and was robbed of at least one goal, you guys were clearly better. Plus you cunts were the team with 4 cards, we got one for getting hit in the face with the ball. Clearly WE were pushing and holding all game. FUCK OFF. Roundface.
“They were pushing and holding all the time,” Suler said. “You could see it was a foul and it was the correct decision. They did not deserve to win the game. It would not have been the correct result. We were the better team.”
88' Slovenia gets a chance that they douche up and then the US D again falls asleep and allows a great chance for the EuroFucks. If they had scored at this point I would have flown to Mali and committed genocide. I even tweeted:
"I hope that Obama bombs the Mali village this cunt ref lives in. #FuckmaliI am Sack, and I approve this message.
90' Gomez gets called for a weak foul, but he would've missed anyway.
90'+ The Ref can't even figure out how to effectively end the match. What a fucking twat!
The South African coverage said they were embarrassed for their continent supplying third-rate refs. Dwam!
And at this point the US was totally screwed. England would beat Algeria, causing the US to trail both England and Slovenia in the standing, but...
England nil, Algeria nil: The English prove yet again that they love nothing more than to disappoint their own fans. Good job, eh. Now the US controls our own destiny (manifest destiny?) but it is clear that Algeria will be very tough.
Bosnia 1, Germany nil: The ref in this one set the bar that Koman Fuckface lept over. 9 cards, including booking Klose in the first half. Stupid. What a great day for FIFA refs.
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