Slovakia vs. Paraguay: This game has already started, but who really gives a shit. Actually, fuck Slovokia because they are almost Slovenia. And Slovenia really pisses me off.
Italy vs. New Zealand: If you aren't cheering for New Zealand in this game you are a goombah piece of Jersey Shore I-Tai trash. Fuck the Azzurri. I hope they lose and all their players' families are killed by mafioso.
Brazil vs. Cote d'Ivoire: Drogba better start this match, unlike the last match where his prescience was missed. I want to see my crazy Drogs fucking Brazilian shit up. Please, if there is a Soccer God, let this game open up. So many talented players, let's let them showcase some of it.
All the little dishwashers and sweepers (puke picker-uppers) at work are Brazilian and like to talk shit to me about futbol, so I'm hoping they choke tomorrow so I can look up "Suck a fatty nutsack you doucheknuckle" in Portuguese. Because sadly Brazilians do not speak Spanish, no matter how often or slowly I yell at them. I thought it was a rule all brown people had to speak Spanish?
Netherland 1, Japan Nil: VANDERSEXXXXX trumps tentacle-rape. Wesley Sniejder fired in a lazer that should have been saved by Kawashima, and then Kawashima stoned at least three awesome chances for the Netherworlders. Fortunately his blunder freed us from another 0-0 draw. Also the freaky Dutch advanced to round two with the win.
Aussie 1, Ghana 1: Another goalkeeping gaffe, in almost the exact same spot as America's favorite Brit Robert Green's fuck-up, gave the Socceroos an early lead. Harry Kewell then unfortunately grew an arm that was struck by a Ghanan shot. For using his arm Kewell was booted, probably a harsh punishment, but soccer refs really are not a fan of arms and/or hands. Somehow short a man Australia managed to compete and earn the tie vs. Ghana. Everyone remains alive in Group D, but the men from down undah are the only one who don't control their own destiny.
Denmark 2, Cameroon 1: Africa loses one of their great hopes, as Denmark scores two unanswered goals to continue the history of European countries keeping the African people down. Very 19th century, you Danes.
The Danes must beat the Kamikazes on Thursday if they wish to advance as they trail in goal differential by one.
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