At the last minute yesterday I was dragged to a work afterparty and proceeded to do what I do best, get ignant and break stuff. In the aftermath I was unable to preview today's matches. My bad. I will try to do better, but as long as there is alcohol to be consumed, I will attempt to drink it. I apologize.
On to the real action:
Netherlands 2, Denmark 0: I was unaware that these were different countries. Joking.
The Freaky Deeky Dutch won this one 2-nil. Well, the Dutch only scored once, a typical ugly-ass Dirk Kuyt goal, and Denmark was kind enough to give their neighbors an own goal.
Seriously, Kuyt never scores on rippers or through balls, he just manages to find the ball setting next to the net and usually he scores while falling on his ass. World class strikers are like artists (Drogba is like Sarat, beautiful from afar but flawed up close) and that makes Kuyt like Pollock. Splatter everywhere but somehow it works. Unfortunately this doesn't translate to FIFA, so I bench his bitch ass every game. Hustle does not translate to videogame avatars
I just love Holland's awesome Day-glo orange jerseys, even if they wear them for some random ass reason. Those babies are sweet. And handy to be wearing if drunk, lost and wandering down an interstate.
Japan 1, Cameroon 0: Tentacle-rape porn defeats Lion mauling 1-nil. (You can bet your ass I'm gonna keep writing nil instead of 0. But there is no fucking way I will spell out 0. Four letters is too many). Kaz Matsui laced in a cross to E. Honda who deftly slipped it by Cameroon's goalie Holyshitthatsalongname (actually it is Souleymanou Hamidou, and I'm just guessing on those Jap's names).
Mbia later let loose a fucking rocket for the Cameron Crazies and damn near broke the cross bar, further proving how an inch or two can alter a game. Now, Cameroon is FUCT and Japan is so happy they could shit.
We should have seen this coming, with Japan's hatred of sea creatures (FUCK-A YOU, Dolf-Feen), it makes sense they would love to slaughter endangered creatures like Les Lions Indomptables.
Italy 1, Paraguay 1: Sheeet, I blew all of my gay jokes on Ura-gay. First there was one, now there are a pair of them. Holy shit, the Guays are procreating.
Sorry, that got out of hand. Well, root for a Pairofguays or the filthy fucking I-tais, whose entire team is gay. Italy's national team is dubbed the Azzurri, because they prefer to wear all blue. Which makes sense, since blue is not one of the three colors on their flag. Maybe they were sick of everyone confusing them for Mexicans, who have the same colors on their flag but decided to wear black jerseys vs. South Africa. And we just discussed Holland's Orange. Shit, the rest of the World is fucking retarded when it comes to colors.
Sidenote: The USA doesn't wear red because some dumbass was very anti-Russia and never wanted us to look like Pinko/Commies. I guess we are retarded too.
Anyway, Paraguay almost upset the reigning World Champs, but had to settle for a draw, which still pissed in the Italian's lasagna. They should have gotten the W, but another goaltender error (or Howler, as the Brits call them) allowed Italy to tie. I was a goalie in high school, and let me tell you something, if I was born in England my British ass would have just beat the USA 1-nil. Good for you I am 'Merican. They used to call me The Wall. God I miss those days /cries into letter jacket
This was a typical Italian game; ugly, defensive, full of embellishment (i.e. dives), hairy WOPs and determined to end in a tie. Basically, everything everyone hates about soccer is what Italy prides themselves on. I watched highlights of this game and they were boring. UGGGLLLYYYY. And they stole Giuseppe Rossi from us and then left him off the roster. FUCK YOU, Italy.
And if you needed any further reason to cheer against Italy, check out the Pairoffunbags on this chica. Paraguayyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TOMORROW:
Slovakia vs. New Zealand: Slovakia and Slovenia both advanced here, that is confusing. In addition to sucking at colors, you Eurofags suck at names, these are way too close. When Czechoslovakia broke up really you bags should have really tried to differentiate yourselves. Like Kazakhstan did. Just by coming up with that awesome name they became Borat's home.
Anyway, onto the actual analysis: Both these teams suck.
New Zealand gets in on the basis that they can field a team, as I assume their main opponents in the Pacific are Fiji and Pygmy Land. Slovakia has the esteemed Martin Skertel, who is awesome for Liverpool in FIFA and it is just fun to scream SKERTEL in random situations, especially right when you ejaculate. I suggest you try it.
New Zealand's team is called the All-Whites, so I assume they will be very popular with various factions of racist ass South Africa. And they pretty much are an all-white team.I really hope the blacks in South Africa cheer against them just because of this name. And rape them.
Like the All-Blacks of rugby, they perform the HAKA war dance. It used to be cool, but then BYU did it. Once a Morman learns a dance it loses all intimidation.
This is the worst game of the Cup not featuring Italy, sleep through it.
Ivory Coast vs. Portugal: DO NOT SLEEP THROUGH THIS GAME! This might be the best game of the first slate of games. Ronaldo vs. Dorgba. Hair Gel vs. Soul Glo. Glamor Model vs. Shrek.
Sidenote: That may be the best techno song I have ever heard. Signs I've been working in a bar too long, I'm beginning to appreciate techno. LET'S TAKE E AND FUCK EACH OTHER IN OUR NOSES!
Cristiano is so good he stole the Ronaldo solomente name from Chubby Ronaldo. Who is not to be confused with sometime chubby Ronaldinho. Plus he loves him some whores. Like 10 at a time. Gotta respect that.
Drogba is straight G. Celebrating goals with mock machine gun massacres (2nd goal in video), bitching constantly and generally behaving like an NBA diva. He is like Kobe, minus the rape. I fell in love with Drogs in FIFA. He is so fast and posses such a rocket that Chelsea became my team. But then I met Fernando and realized Chelsea is like the Yankees on crack, so I bailed. He is so good, my fairly racist roommate who hated soccer fell in love with Drogba. That is talent.
The bummer is that Drogba might not play due to a broken elbow, mostly because he could use the cast as a weapon and I'm pretty sure South Africa still has rules about blacks carrying weapons.
Both these teams are fucking stacked, Portugal a little more so, so I expect a nil-nil tie, naturally.
Brazil vs. Communist Korea: The fuck, I didn't know these assholes were able to field a team, let alone on good enough to make the world cup. Still, they will be real Rone-ry at the bottom of group E, aka THE GROUP OF DEATH.
Congrats Fighting Kim-Jung Ill's, you made the World Cup and now you get....(drum roll)... FUCKED IN THE ASS. Seriously, they are going to be the punching bags for three games. Especially with goal differential likely to be crucial in this group, I expect Brazil, Portugal and Ivory Coast to put a as many goals as possible. I bet Ronaldo scores one goal for each of his five hookers.
For Brazil, Kaka will likely take a shit on Korea today (poop joke, holler!), but I expect it will be Luis Fabiana who gets at least a brace today (2 goals).
Good times shall be had by all. I'll check back in tomorrow with previews and a rebuttle of Lance Moorman's hatred of ties. Reader participation is what makes a blog.
The most hyped USA event of the last 6 months cannot have no winner. Did we "tie" the revolutionary war when we fought those assholes? I think not. I know this generation is coddled and everyone wants to feel good about themselves, but there has to be a resolution. USA/ England just left a lot of potential soccer fans with blue balls.
ReplyDelete