Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick and dirty preview of the teams that will play each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.
America, AMERICA, FUCKING 'MERICA vs. Slovenia: Everyone is saying this is a must win, but the US can really afford to tie this one and make Lance Moorman's day. We all know he loves a tie.
*Aside: Lance, I know you would like the "The most hyped USA event of the last 6 months" to have a winner, but unfortunately America and ESPN don't run the World Cup (you know, unlike how ESPN runs the BCS and Stern rigs the NBA). We have to play by the rules, and basically this is a "regular season" game as far as the World Cup goes. There will be no ties in the next round aka the playoffs. Instead there will be PKs, and those are fucking gayer than a tie. Again, I'll expand on this further late in the tournament.
And yes, pretty much we did "tie" the Revolutionary War. The British were by all accounts winning, actually, but got sick of fighting and the US had to have France back us in order to guarantee their surrender. Really I'm glad this time we settled at even with England rather than have to send for Thierry Henry and Abidal to come help the US.
As far as I see it, England will not lose to the Slovenians and will probably beat them, so the US needs at least a result in this one to stay alive and then a dub vs. Algeria. BUT, a win basically guarantees us through to the round of 16. So let's get it.
I don't know much about Slovenia, Slovakia or the Czech Republic, but I know that a lot of my favorite pornstars are from that region, so I know these Round Faced Boskurs (I actually found some slurs for Slovenians, bless the interweb. It isn't really racist because all these slurs could be used against me, right?) are eager to be fucked by the long dick of America. Give it to 'em boys.
And when you are celebrating the US success, don't forget to jam some Duece aka Clint Dempsey, along with HAWK (may he RIP):
England vs. Algeria: While in some ways it would be nice to see the Brits choke in this game so that they struggle to advance, it would also be nice to see them win big so that Algeria are totally eliminated by the time the US plays them. Also, since we are so proud of our tie I don't want it to be solely because the Brits suck, I want it to be because the US is finally good. Really, I hope the English rip on the Algerian's mothers so much that each and everyone of them headbutts an Englishman and gets a red card so that they have to forfeit vs. the US.
Germany vs. Serbia: The Serbians have their backs up against the wall, and you know what a Serb does in that situation? Probably resorts to Genocide, as that is all they really know. Guess what the Germans specialize in? Yeah. But the Germans are much more effective at it, even if they have been out of training for about 70 years. Still, I think Klose and Ballack know what to do. I mean, I assume this song is about the thousands of Gyspies that Lukas Podolski has slayed.
Argentina 4, South Korea 1: Messi killed it in this one. And some lucky asshole named Higuan scored the easiest hat trick in the history of hat tricks. Not one more than five yards from the goal. South Korea tried, but they just couldn't compete.
I love that the media is suddenly saying that Marradonna is doing good because Argentina advanced. Like his team had a chance of failing at all, shit South Korea, Greece and Nigeria do not even belong in the same league. Let's wait until round 2 when he inserts himself into the starting lineup or tries to organize a military coup of Swaziland before calling him a great coach.
Greece 2, Nigeria 1: God damn, this is soccer and using your feet is reccomended, but no need to kick a man in the leg. And AN ACADEMY AWARD to that Greek asshole for falling like he had been shot. This theatrics is one of my many items on Sack's list to fix soccer, which I will break out later in the tournament.
Mexico 2, France Nil: Look, I hate the French as much as the next man (unless that man is old, because old men hate the French way more than I ever can, something about having to storm Normandy to save those Faguettes), but man they got did wronged. And by Mexican'ts at that.
Goal numero uno was offside, goal number dos was justified, but it still was a bit of a dive. Congrats to old man Blanco on the goal though. I really have a soft spot for that guy. Might hire him to be my gardener when all is said and done.
Bonus: Allegedly something happened with some Mexican based basketball team beating the Irish. Los Angeles beat Celtic. Who gives a shit? Not this guy.
So you're saying our recent US/UK tie is the same as the war and we can just count ourselves the victors??
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