The Weekend Sack-Up: A Charlie Brown Christmas

Yes, that above picture is pretty much what the Broncos have done to me in each of the last three years. Look at how professional it is.

I should have know better. I should just stop watching, like my parents have (they went whale watching, didn't see one, and still had a better day than me). I even told Boyle that they were going to make it close and then break my heart. Just like I called it last week. Yet they keep pulling me back. Next week I will wake up to watch the early games, convince myself the Broncos have a chance, only to get kicked in the gut at the last possible instant. I should try heroin, as it might be far easier to catch the dragon than be happy with the Broncos.

-Edy pointed out on his Tweeter page that the Broncos defensive celebration is pretty much "N-gga's gotta eat," and Darrell Reid's Twitter seconds that notion. This was the best moment of the game, as he celebrates the fumble he forced that allowed Denver back into the game. I take special pride in the fact that I Tweeted: "Fumble on the kickoff. I'm callin it" only to have it happen just seconds later. I really am Nostradamus.

(Alternate caption was something akin to "Look at my JFK Jr. impression", but I couldn't actually go there. See, I do have a bit of a moral compass. Plus it isn't really current. I'm glad there haven't been any plane crashes lately)

(I wish Twitter would pay me five bucks per mention)

-Yeah, and then this happened. The Savaged joke is due to the fact that the punter's name is Sav Rocca. What a great porn name.

-Excuses are for assholes, and I am an asshole, so:

1. For at least the second straight game, the Broncos opponent wasn't called for one holding penalty. Wicked awesome. And then, with the Broncos pinned deep and the season on the line, the refs threw two flags for holding on the Broncos. Justified, yes, but I am sure the Eagles held at least once.

2. Questionable penalties on Champ and Wesley Woodyard (even Fuckwad Simms Sr. said he didn't see a thing) kept alive an Eagles drive, that gave them their only TD in the second half.

3. There was that little rape that kinda pissed Stokes off

4. And then they tossed him for barely slapping a ref's pinkie.

5. Why did the clock stop after Orton's run with 1:50 left in the game? The Eagles declined the penalty and didn't take a time out. Should have been about 1:10 left when the Broncos punted. Not really a big deal, but the refs were fucking up all day long. Glad the Broncos got a marquee crew.

-This game should be another example of why going for it on fourth down is good. Denver has a 4-and-4ish on there own 13. DeSean Jackson is a great returner. Mitch Berger sucks my balls. Why don't the Broncos go for it? Even changing the field 40 yards in that situation barely takes the Eagles out of field goal range. Giving them the ball at the 45 or the 15 isn't much of a difference with 1:50 left.

It may actually have improved the Denver situation, as you basically have four outcomes after the 3rd down play:
1) What happened.
2) Denver punts and the Eagles take over at midfield. Denver stops them and the game goes to OT.
3) Denver goes for it, gets the first down and then is able to keep control of the clock/drive for a score.
4) Eagles get the ball, in field goal range. Eagles probably don't do anything much on offense, just run it three times and kick a field goal. Denver gets the ball back after the kickoff with about a minute left.

We know the offense has the upper hand in the NFL, so I would rather take my shot at picking up four yards rather than give Donovan McNabb the chance to pick up about 10 yards.

Random Celebrity Shit: So Wild Thing Vaughn Charlie Sheen was arrested in Aspen for beating up his wife, yet I had to see his an goddamn awful Hanes commercials non-stop during the game. Yet El Tigre can't be found. Uhhhh?

On one hand you have: A) a decent actor who is a woman-beater, drug-abuser, adulterer, child-porn loving asshole who made me feel sympathy for retarded Denise Richards by leaving her a voicemail threatening to kill her and calling her the N-bomb illogically, or: B) the best golfer in the world who happened to bang everything that moved and killed a fire hydrant.

Seems the obvious choice to sell me underpants is option A. I would never want to buy a razor because of that other asshole. AMERICA you need to figure your shit out.

Avalanche: While the Broncos consistently kick me in the taint, the Avs are as annoyingly bi-polar. They kick ass one night, then blow a two-goal lead in the last 10 minutes of regulation, then come back to kick ass again. Still, they are first in the division, which is pretty damn unexpected. Chris Stewart is killin' it. And he is black. So guess who my new favorite player is? Fooled ya. It is still Matty Duchene, but Stewie's awesomeness has been crucial for the Avs in the last 20 games.

Nuggets: Not really a big fan of what they have been up to. JR finally going off is nice, but the fact that Chauncey is banged up makes me worry. We need to get another big man as well. More to come soon when I discuss the first-1/3 of the NBA season with the Ice Cream Edy.

Go Fuck Yourself: I'm going to try to add this in every week.  I am going to tell someone to fuck off. This week, it is Stan Van Gundy:

Hey Stan,

Remember when you bitched about the NBA playing games on Christmas. You actually said:

"I actually feel sorry for people who have nothing to do on Christmas Day other than watch an NBA game."

Well, go fuck yourself. Most of us are sick of talking to our families and need something to fill the awkward gaps. Like when I don't know what to say to my soon-to-be step Grandma, you know what fills the gap? Screaming at Kobe.

So sad you didn't get to spend time with your family like you wanted to, but you probably should have thought of your family before you signed up to coach in a sport where you play 82 FUCKING regular season games a year. By the way, Stan, you make millions. You can afford to have Christmas like 30 times a year.

Like any NBA players want to have Christmas off anyway. They would be like Vince Vaughn and Reece Witherspoon in 4 Christmases. Which illegitimate family are they going to choose? Isiah Jr.'s baby momma or Isiah II? Like they want to see Taneshwa again so she can serve them more paternity papers? No way. They can't be in Harlem, San Diego and Houston in the same day. There are greater odds that an NBA player will be in the same town with his child IF they are sent on the road.

GO FUCK YOURSELF

P.S. You look like Ron Jeremy.


Colorado State: Covered in my previous pregaming post. Let's beat some Fresno ass like we are in New Mexico, ya dig?


Joel Dreessen balled out for the Oilers Texans today. Bawse.


Tweet of the Week: The Mike Donovan: "A horse finished second in the voting for AP female athlete of the year! A horse! Congrats Serena you beat a friggin horse."

In Da Club: Not too much going down. Some fool from the Nebraska coaching staff offered me tickets to the Holliday Bowl to sneak into the club. I have to work that night, so no dice for him. Apparently we always charge $50 a head when busy. That is mucho dinero.


New Year's Eve should be awful fun. Awful in that it will be redonkulessly busy with shit shows all over. Fun in that I expect someone to offer me hundreds of dollars to come in.

As well, my boss says that I should basically expect to get raped by drunken girls. Which, depending on the situation and looks of the girl, could range wildly on the enjoyment scale. Whether or not you care, I will share.


This Week: NBA update with Edy and hopefully some new Jersey Shore action.

Shout-out: To Kilometers, for his awesome birthday gift that I finally put into action. The African-American Heritage Game for Kids is now an awesome drinking game. Boyle and I put our heads together and drunkeness exploded. Bong couldn't handle the punishment and spent this morning imitating a dragon.

Pregaming Post-Analysis: UCLA

I was able to make a quick trip up to the City of Angels last week to watch CSU choke against UCLA. Which was a bummer. But I salvaged the trip by getting drunk and spreading my reputation as the Greatest Drunken Athlete of All-Time. Here are some quick highlights of trip and some ideas if you plan on ever pregaming there.

Before this trip all I knew about UCLA was from sports and Facebook stalking the one girl from the Dale who went there. Now, having spent less than 24 hours there while the school is out on Christmas break, I am pretty much an expert.

-There are a whole lot of Asians. Which was fitting, because the only CSU person still in LA was the Azn, and I was meeting up with her.

-Here is a revelation no one has ever had: LA traffic sucks. The 405 blows. I sat on it for quite a while. I would suggest avoiding it, if possible. Might be quicker to circumvent the world in the other direction.

-When it gets dark in LA, I get lost really easily. One time Kilometers and Mr. No-Longer-Invited drove around in circles trying to find Occidental. I did this again while trying to get back to UCLA while on a beer run.

-Obviously I am a God amongst mortals when it comes to drinking games, but even I was surprised at how impressive I was at Beruit after not playing it since very early September. In my first game I made five straight cups in rebuttal, and then all three in overtime. Probably my greatest individual beer pong comeback. Somewhere John Elway-God looked on from above and smiled. The fact that my performance came against some frat boys made me even happier.

-UCLA sucks this year at basketball, yet they still wanted to charge $40 a ticket. Go fuck your own nostrils. We ended up bribing a security guard to let four people in for $40 total. There were probably 30 CSU fans there, and 8,000 UCLA ones.

-I was also thoroughly unimpressed with Pauley Pavillion. Semi-Mobyish with a lot less goofy charm. A little more claustrophobic, except on one end where they have no stands behind the basket for like 30 feet. It was strange, and almost high schoolish. Every other facility at UCLA was fucking amazing. I wandered around for a while and the tennis courts almost made me want to wear some fagtastic Capri pants and mimic that little Spanish fruit Rafa Nadal.  ALMOST.

-CSU was in control of the game, but UCLA remembered who they were and asserted dominance while CSU panicked. It was too bad, as I could have one day told my grandkids about the time I watched CSU's basketball teams beat the great UCLA Bruins. I'll probably just lie and say I was starting center for the Rams.

-You can drink alcohol at UCLA football games, but I don't think so at basketball games. But UCLA also plays games at the Rose Bowl, not on campus.

-We pregamed at the Sigma Nu frat house. There were five people there total. It houses about 40 normally. Would be a fun house to party and pregame at for a big basketball game, as it has some big rooms and even a semi-basketball court in it's courtyard. I guess Andrew Bynum crashed a party there a couple years ago.

-I looked at a few composites of the classes, ranging from 1982ish-now, and while some years were missing, and I didn't look that closely, I noticed that until about 1995 the pictures were almost all white (some white people with hispanish names). To counteract, of the three people left while I visited, there was one whitey, one Polynesian and one Arabic person. To reinforce stereotypes, the whitey went to bed and the other two played videogames.




What did I learn: UCLA probably isn't the biggest party school, I'm still cool, I need an Iphone for directions and if possibliy racist frats can change, so can I. Or something.

The Weekend Sack-Up: JaMarcus Russell Ate My Dreams

How? How the fuck did that happen? JaMarcus "Big Fat Waste of Life" Russell just shat triumphantly on the Broncos. The man born to throw interceptions somehow managed to drive about 80 yards in the final minutes of a game to beat the Broncos by one fucking point.

The best part of it all? This happened literally seconds after watching the Chargers win in some truely cuntastic fashion. Cinci had just managed to tie up the Chargers and was 15 seconds from going to OT. All they had to do was keep the Chargers in bounds, as SD has no timeouts left. They weren't going to try a 67-yard field goal. Instead the bumblefuck DBs for the Bengals shit themselves and gave up a 15-yard out pattern and Nate Kaeding kicked a fucking bomb to win the game.

When that kick went through I knew the Broncos were going to find a way to lose. It was in the cards. I think I have some theories why:

-God hates me and wants to punish me. Probably for the fact that I habitually masturbate and am generally a bad person. And for making fun of Brittany Murphy (Seriously, her greatest role was as the 3rd lead in Clueless. Gimme a break. Aston Kutcher ditching January Jones for her and then moving on to Demi Moore has got to be the world's biggest Punk'd episode. I think Brittany was going to spill the beans so Aston had to have her killed. Or she was just going to out him for being gay).
 

-Someone teach the Broncos coaches the Heimlich maneuver. Damn.

-The Broncos defense is all about eating. They mime eating after big plays on defense, Darrell Reid's Twitter talks about not eating lunch or breakfast and going to the game hungry, etc. Well, guess what? JaMarcus' fat ass is always hungry. He is just a big, hungry Bammer. JaMarcus can out eat everybody. He is like that Kobiyashi guy. Mow, Mow, Mow. Always eating. Which is why, as soon as Charlie Frye got KTFO (Cue Chris Tucker: Knocked the FUCK out!) it made perfect sense for the Big Fat QB to come eat everything, especially my dreams.

-The refs sucked donkey balls. D-Reid and the Broncos defensive linemen couldn't eat, especially on that last drive, because they were getting mouth-raped by Raiders lineman. And B-Marsh was held at least two times in the end zone by Raiders cornerbacks, yet got no calls. But Broncos DBs were flagged twice on the last drive to keep it alive. Andre Goodman, what the fuck were you thinking? That pass interference on 3rd-and-29 was really helpful.

Rewatching the last drive, Robert Ayers has a clear shot to go after JaMarcus on the fourth-and-10, but after he beats two guys he gets tackled from behind. No one likes to blame the refs, but sometimes you have to point it out. But the refs didn't run all over the Broncos. The Broncos tackling made the Raiders' backs look like they were Chris Troxel (wonder what happened to that kid) and McLovin trying to stop Adrian Peterson in Red Rover (That is a confusing sentence, but I STICK BY IT.)

-Maybe the Refs had lasers in their eyes.

-Knowshown doesn't know how to score at the goalline. Before the Broncos last field goal, all he had to do on the second down run was outrun the Raiders to the Pylon, but he tried to cut up the field too soon. He can't run over people in the pros and he isn't an everydown back. Please try Peyton Hillis or Lamont Jordon instead. Fuck, those option aren't that great either.

-Big, talented, troubled WR. Learn from Chris.

-We lost to this Buzzcock. We don't deserve playoffs.

In the club: Work has been really boring. Only one semi-interesting thing: My boss had to kick out a one-armed man who was punching someone, and all he could think about was how he was going to handcuff him if he had to. A lofty question.

I also got another free night of drinking with my entire work crew. This time I waited until I left the club to black out. Then my boss, trying to show off his impressive Judo skills or something, Karate Kid-style swept my leg, sending me ass over teakettle into a bench. So even if I wasn't blacked out before, I added a concussion and head wound to the equation. Slept like a fucking baby though.


So if this is a little disoriented, it isn't because I was drunk this time, it is just that I now understand how it is to think like Troy Aikman.


CSU Football: On the rise. We just signed a 4-star QB in Pete Thomas. That is ballin' as shit. And he is from ballin' as shit San Diego and going to enroll at CSU for the Spring. I think I should stalk find him to make sure he is up to the CSU QB dranking standard. BVP was plum hammered all the time. Justin Holland has been blacked out every time I have met him, so that explains why he threw the football around with less care as than Kappa at Wash Bar (Last year Holland gave Nasty N one of the three beers he had pilfered from Drunken Monkey before they closed). Billy Farris crashed parties at my house. Eastman is Mormon, he doesn't have the drinking chops. Uncle Nico might be a threat, but I'm not sure I want Guidos leading my team. Borky hangs out with Forristall, so I'm gonna say he is far too dumb to play QB; that kid lowers IQs like no ones business. Get after it, Pete, grab that Keystone Light and lead the Rams to the promised land (which is hopefully a Poinsettia Bowl bid. That would be a nice present for me next Christmas).

CU Football: Trending down. CU's ex-QB James Cox may be the newest employee at my club. Any and all comments about the difference of value between CSU and CU degrees can now be throw out the fucking window. A former football player at a "supposedly" better school should have better connections than I, right? Or maybe our schools are basically even, minus the fact that WE BEAT YOUR ASSES AT EVERYTHING THIS YEAR.


CSU Basketball: Trending up. We kicked the Buffs ass and then snuck by some Big Sky teams. 8-3 is already almost better than last season. They go for win #9 tomorrow at UCLA and I will be in attendance. I might just rush the court if we win, even though UCLA sucks. I'll just pretend we beat Bill Walton, Lew Alcindor and John Wooden.

Fact: CSU actually beat UCLA in 1961, a year UCLA went to the final four and was coached by Wooden. Fact: This shocked the shit out of me.
Fact: Jesse Carr is back, which means classic quotes like this one: (/Dwight Schrute)
"It's not like we're playing pud teams, either. We're getting in good games, and everyone's giving us their best shot."
Only someone from Ainsworth, NE would use the phrase "pud teams." Or someone from Carbondale.

Plus they have a sweet reality TV show. Sadly it is one year late to fully capture the greatness that I would have been. My journalism skills would really have shown up. Plus they had some CSU Media basketball game. That would have been my moment to shine. Miles would have asked me to walk on. This blog would be fucking bigger than Club Trillion. Why was I not born one-year later? Why did I graduate in such rapid fashion? I want to go back to college.Or onto an MTV show.

Tweets of the Week: 
Tjedy: When faced with a tough decision, ask yourself WWTSD: What Would 'The Situation' Do?
Messiahthadon: @tjedy I think the answer to every question is to take your shirt off
The_Real_Pat: @Messiahthadon and coincidentally, that's how @tjedy solves every problem.
-Again, if you don't have Twitter you are doing it wrong.

Not Jay Cutler: Looks like I should cross Brittany Murphy off my "Famous chicks to bang" list.

Nuggets: Trending down. Get your shit together. 1/3 of the season update with Edy will come soon. Or at his pace, we might be lucky to get it done by the fucking all-star game.

Avs: Semi-upwardslopish. As long as they aren't against the fighting Ovies, the Avs are doing pretty well.


Happy Holidays: I didn't get any of you bastards anything. That is a lie. Someday, when I am rich and famous, you will be the people that get to say "I like Sack when he started out, but that Douchezilla really sold out." So I am giving you the most precious gifts of all: Haughtiness and spite. If those were entities, this blog would be gushing like a fucking gyser.

Merry Birdmas, have a super Shawn Greenuka, a lovely Kwanza Kilpatrick, whatever. Give some gifts and whatnot.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 4

Guess what? Not much is going on in the sports world, so I live Tweeted Jersey Shore. Now I redo it. Lazy? You bet. Entertaining? Duh.

Mind you these Tweters began at 4:00am, after I got off for work. And keep in mind I finish two monster Whiskey-Sprites while playing my drinking game.

My tweets are numbered and in bold, followed by further explanation not in bold, as if that is needed. Enjoy:



1.  Jersey Shore Drinking Time. @greenaaker turn off your texts haha. The Situation is that I am going to get drunk.
-Last week's Tweet of the Week, if I had actually done that Sack-Up, would have been:
GreenAaker:

Waking up16 times by drunken tweets about #Jerseyshore between the hrs of 3a.m.-6a.m. = Im officially unsubscribing via SMS 2 @messiahthadon
Sorry Benjamin, but at least I warned you this time.


2.  Ron-Ron keeps talking about "The Equation" with Sam. Don't lie Ronny, you can't do math.
-Ronnie's laugh is seriously the dumbest, non-retarded laugh I have ever heard. Brennan, the retard my roomate once punched, laughed more intelligently.


3. J-Woww needs to break it off. Worst two minutes of this show ever. I'm not watching these people for relationships.
-Ugghhhh. Drag. It. Out. A. Little more MTV.
Shit, I couldn't even handle typing it that slow. Let J-Woww get single already. We don't need to wait four episodes for her to get gangbanged. I know it will happen eventually. Pauly D will make her Miss D eventually.


4. "Sex is natural...yada yada" Sam's description. Ron-Ron: "Yeah, we smushed." Succinct, Ronald. Nice.
-Hard to capture this in 140 characters, but nothing illistrates the differences between men and women more than this. Sam goes on for quite a while describing what happens, then they cut to Ron and he sums it up in three words. Ronnie, a journalists dream.


5. Thank God for Sit and Pauly D, at least they have fun.
-You know, and try for unprotected sex. What kind of asshole joins an MTV show with a significant other. Has this ever worked?


6. Snoooookkkkkkerrrrrss gone get done up, y'all. I have a boner. Can't fast forward commercial break fast enough. 
-MTV really played this up well. I was more premature than Jason Biggs in anticipation for this Sucker Punch Heard Round the Shore.


7. Another commercial break...Fuck it, pausing it so I can watch the punch online....Whammy.


8. http://www.nj.com/entertainment/celebrities/index.ssf/2009/12/mtv_jersey_shore_snooki_punch.html Snookered.
-But, like real life, I just found a video online to satisfy my craving.


9. Oh man, her hat just goes flying. 
-It is like a snuff film. I assume. Never watched one. But if there was a Snookers snuff film, I would probably download it.


10. Another commerical break = more watching snookie get punched.

11. Russ/Ron...Shit, I'm surprised Snookie was that close.
-There is a friends episode with a Russ/Ross story line. I may be gay for comparing this.

12. Vinnie is the Ronaldo Balkman of this show. What role does he play? The man is funny, get him some airtime.
-Oh, I finally relate this to sports. About got damn time.

13. Snookers is so pissed she hasn't gotten pounded yet by a dude. Time for the Universe to teach her what Irony is...
-I really wish her mother would have been next to her when she got snapped on. I was fully expecting this. WHAT A FUCKING LETDOWN, MTV.

14. That guy was a (gym) teacher, so maybe he was trying to teach her. In the old "What do you tell a woman with two black eyes" way.
-The joke is that you tell a woman with two black eyes "Nothing. Because you already told her twice." Fucking character limit.

15. I am so calling Brad Lidge "The Situation" next time I'm at a Phillies game.
-hahaha. Yeah jacko2323 said, "When it comes to "closers" nobody is ever going to compare "The Situation" to Mariano Rivera." first, but he also watched it first. I would have come up with this joke as well, it is easy.

16. Jose Mesa actually translates in "La Situation" in Spanish.
-See, I just topped it.

17. J-Woww dancing with "Some toolbag with a blowout." Really narrows it down there. "You see any..." "Only when I open my eyes" /Harold&Kumar'd
-Does J-Woww's boyfriend spell his name Taaaammmm. Because he should. Or maybe Ta-M. Taw-Emmm. He can't be just Tom.

18.I love how even Guidos hate frat guys....@valerie_jb kinda said it first. Greek Life really has a tough PR job. Maybe I should apply there.
-Seriously, being in PR for the KKK is easier than trying to stick up for a frat these days.

19. MTV would pull the actual punch yet make the whole thing a two part episode.
-But you know what this means? More Snooookies fun next week. Holla.

Jersey Shore Drinking Game, Vol. 1

Greatest show ever? Nope. GREATEST SHOW EVARRRRRR!!!!!!! Caps lock and spelling failure are a necessity.

I hate myself for loving this show, but everything about it is TV gold. Moronic people who take pride in their own overcompensation. They know they are overdoing it, and they just don't care. I kept a journal in high school (fag) and I cringe at some of the ridiculous shit I thought was cool. I can't imagine how these people could see themselves on TV later and not feel ashamed to the point of suicide, but really I don't care. Because they are fucking hilarious.

So I will present my ideas for an awesome Jersey Shore drinking game, but I will need your suggestions, loyal readers, in order to see if this works.

1. You will need to pick one Guido/Guidette:
-This will keep you from dying. I tried to play this game for everyone and got fucking Drunk very quickly, and probably lost a friend in the process with my constant Tweets (more in the Sack-up, coming tomorrow-ish). It would be great if you could get seven people (one per cast mate). In fantasy football terms, I think the Situation=AP Purple Jesus (consensus #1) and Snookers=Chris Johnson (slow starter, but definite gamebreak-ability). You can have the draft first-come, first-serve or have the person deemed most Jersey Shore in your group pick first and then they get to chose who is the next most Jersey Shore for the second pick, and so on. Be sure to argue a lot about this, in order to get in the correct mind frame. If you have some cocaine, do that as well. I guarantee these boys and girls are yayed out.

Basically this is similar to our Nuggets drinking game from F3 freshman year, where we gave out drinks for positives (baskets, assists) and took drinks for negatives (turnovers/blocked shots). The best part about giving out drinks is that it leads to pettiness and rivalry between the people drinking, and isn't that shit the whole idea behind a reality TV show? Answer: No, watching Snookie get brained is why TV was invented in the first place. But pettiness and fights are number 2.

2. Give a drink: If one of these happens, you give the corresponding number of drinks:
-If they slaps someone. 1 drink.
-Throw a punch. 2 drinks.
-When the "Dwuck Phone" rings, whomever answers gives out 1 drink, unless the call is for them, then they take it.
-When your character refers to themselves by their nickname or alter ego. 1 drink. (The Situation skyrockets here).
-When your Guido sells a t-shirt. Drink 1.
-Every time your Guido begins fist-pumping to house music. Drink 1.
-If your character makes out with anyone. 1 drink per rating on a standard 1-10 scale. This can be a group decision, or just on you. Most of the people are drunk, worthless trash, so most will end up about 4 or 5 drinks per make out sesh.
-If your Guido is in the hot tub and makes out/hooks up with a girl, drink one for every kiss. Add drinks for the total number of undergarments removed and number of people involved.
Bonus: If your Guido bangs another cast member, whomever ends up on top starts a two (or more, I'm not ruling out a threesome) person waterfall.
-If your character cock-blocks someone else, give the blockee however many drinks their hook-up ranked on the 1-10 scale. (Too bad Angelina bailed, she would've been like the 2001 Ravens D).
-Anytime your Guido is shown doing their hair. 1 drink.
-Anytime your character makes a statement about doing steroids. 1 drink.

3. Take a drink: When one of these situations happens, take the corresponding number of drinks.
-When your Guido ruins grace. 1 drink.
-Your character gets slapped. 1 drink. Gets punched. 2 drinks. Gets knocked the fuck out, even if it not shown, finish your drank. You just got Snookied.
-Uses the word Guido/s. 1 drink.
-Uses any derivative word of Guido (i.e. Guidette, Guida, Guidistani, I can't even pretend to assume how they will bastardize this bastard word, but I'm sure they will etc.) 2 drinks.
-Gets arrested. 1 drink if handcuffed, plus one drink per charge.
-When your Guido is referred to by their nickname/alter ego by someone else. 1 drink. (Situation and J-Wwow). 2 drinks if it is a messed up/mocking version of the nickname (i.e. Snickers)
-For every minute late your Guido is to work. 1 drink. If they get fired, get a bottle of Smirnoff and finish that bitch.
-When your Guido takes a drink, match it. (i.e. one second drink=1 shot or beer. If they bust out a beer bong, chug a beer. You can correspond between beer and hard alcohol to match them if you wish, but you will end up a hot mess like Sooksters).
Bonus: If your Guido destroys something (grill, glass, or in Ron-Ron's case the world), you can take a bomb shot (Tuaca, Jeager, Car, etc.)
-Anytime your Guido is insulted as a slut, whore, player, etc. 1 drink.
-Whenever your character calls insinuates that someone else is a slut, whore, player, etc. Drink 1 for hypocrisy.

That is what I have so far. Let me know if it is doable. I am really pissed this show didn't come out while I was in college, imagine pregaming like this before the Sully's/Wash night /tear.


Note: If I feel semi-human and can fight off this illness I'm fighting, I might break down each Guidos stregnths and weeknesses plus specific rules next week, but I'll probably be lazy and not. Tune in, bitches.

The Weekend Sack-Up: See, winning is better

Forgive me, it has been almost a week without me posting my hilarious pictures and rants (you didn't even notice. Well fuck you, buddy).

It was a big week around the Colorado sports scene, as pretty much everything went well. The only big loss was CSU basketball at UNC, but the Tar Heels are number one in that nation (What's that, Northern Colorado? I refuse to acknowledge such a crazy claim).

Broncos:
Two concerns: 1) Was Bumbles Orton spiking his Gatorade with Jack? Because he was fumblin' and bumblin' like a Keith Jackson wet dream.
2) If KC got some WR open on busted coverages, how open will Piere-Marc-Andre Fluery-Garcon be next week (so help me Joseph Smith's Norwegian Jesus if Austin "Lassie" Collie catches a TD).

Fortunately the Broncos were saved from some embarrassing scores by one man today:

-Everybody remembers that kid from Little Giants, who couldn't catch and got his hands stuck together with Stick 'Em. I never knew that kid was actually Bobby Wade. Certainly made more of himself than Devon Sawa or even IceBox (I wonder when Simmons will do a "What If" on her).

-Remember what started that whole J-Cunty debacle. It was trying to trade for Matt Cassel:

Hmmm, I'm kinda glad we didn't trade for THAT guy.

-Brodie Croyle is the exact opposite of a victory cigar.

Sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words.

-Man, the Chiefs really decided to just hand the game to Denver in the third quarter, especially.

Then again, with the Broncos super special team play thus far against Native American teams, anything could have happened (see; Redskins, Washington).

-The guy in charge of the Chiefs, Todd Haley, is really a raging cunt. I am surprised he didn't murder a back-up today.

-So many jokes about this, but really all I can ask is why?

 

I wonder if Redface is as racist as Blackface?

And why?

Nasty N, it is your job to come up with the appropriate inappropriate jokes for these. It really is your purpose here on Earth.

Nuggets: Busted those bitch ass Spurs up. Didn't lose to the T-Wolves. Good week.
Below is a brilliant video brought to my attention by @tjedy:

What a fucking Princess.


Tweets of the week:
Lance Moorman: "Jacked some asshole who tried to reach in my pockets... I hope your broken nose feels good you ignorant fuck."
And people ask me why I'm on Twitter. This gives me hope one of the many SD hobos will accost me and some point and allow me to haul off and smack a bitch.


Club Trillion: Al Michaels on Jared Allen: "Sooner or later #69 will be in your face." Sometimes it's just too easy.

Honorable Mention: Black Prez: Vicks TD Pass got me kinda teary eyed... So happy...


Avs: An up and down week, but the two goal comeback in the last 50 seconds against Florida to save a point was huge. Hopefully Anderson isn't out too long. But my by Duchene keeps scoring. Matty Ice, baby.

CSU Rams: Besides the blemish against a better-than-they-should-be UNC team, the Rams defeated in-state "Rival" Denver. 5-3 is a pretty good start. Now it is time to fuck up CU and attempt to complete the sweep in every sport that I care about (fb, vb, m&wbb). Wear white if you are in Fort Collins Thursday. For purity of race. Wait, that isn't right. Just because we have one of the least diverse schools in the country doesn't mean we have to show off, right?


Rockies: There are rumors you assholes are gonna bring back Jamie Carroll. This cannot be true and I might renounce my fandom if he comes back. If he and (name redacted) share the 2B role I might just start stabbing random people on the street, or mail bombs around the country in a pattern that resembles a lazy pop out to right center field. YOU MADE ME DO THIS!

Other sports news: Teboner- If I was a worldly fellow like Tim Tebow, I would have seen some stuff that shows me what is really important in life. I used to be a bitch who cried about shit like sports, but then I dealt with real life losses I stopped. I'm sorry, but they should take away his old fucking Heisman for that routine. Adam Morrison-esque, it was.

The Saints- I am so proud of myself for picking Robert Meachem off the scrap heap in fantasy. Best maneuver ever. The early games at the bar where perfect, shit was going crazy all morning long.

The Vikings- Will lose in the playoffs when Brad Childress calls 50 passes for Brettard Favre and doesn't give Purple Jesus the ball.

TCU vs. Boise- They should just mutually agree to not even play. I have dubbed it the Glass Ceiling Bowl. Mike Donovan had this to say: "TCU/Boise St. What a crock. What a lose-lose for both teams. The JV National Championship or the Separate But Equal Bowl." He said it first, but it is my blog so I go first here. No journalistic integrity on this site, buddy.


Happy Hollidays: Oh, it is Christmas season now so I send you off with this lovely ditty.

The Weekend Sack-Up: Things that make you say HMMMMM?

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Sports: I Give Thanks

As I pointed out in my splendidly narcissistic post about why I can't sleep, sports are my escape from the problems/issues in the real world that make me restless. Even though I spend much of the space in this blog trashing on teams/people and focusing on the suck (especially lately), I love sports. So, as a prelude to Thanksgiving, I will be filling this blog post with videos and websites about sports that I love.

If you are bored (especially at a job where they haven't blocked Youtube yet) this should keep you entertained for quite a while. Yep, this all makes me very happy. I don't even care that this took me hours, searching Youtube and watching all sorts of random shit.Happy thanksgiving, and please post any videos you love here or on my wall. Enjoy:

John Elway: John Elway leading the drive. I still own this video, and the 1986 "Mile High Champions" videotape, and I nearly wore both out watching them every Saturday and Sunday growing up. John Elway was my first true love and I always ask WWJED (What Would John Elway Do=Procrastination). I know Elway has been kind of dick in his personal life (and to Mr. Moorman, a story I may ask him to post on here sometime), but I don't care. Jesus had his share of problems, and he has done alright for himself.


 Brace for a blog explaining the Church of Elway (aka Elwayology).

Christianity has Jesus on a cross,  Elwayology has John leaping in between two Packers.



Gilbert Arenas: Best game-winning shot ever. Raising the arms before it even drops. I love me some Melo and JR, but that is just bad ass.


But that is not all that makes Gil great. There was the blog, which was just fantastic. Even while struggling through injury, he was entertaining. At the beginning of this season he was being surly and trying to avoid talking to the media, thinking it would help him focus. It didn't work, and it just wasn't Gilbert. Then this happened:

Agent Zero Pilot from Gilbert Arenas vs Agent Zero on Vimeo.

What other NBA player would do this? Not many, as they, or the people that run their lives, are too image conscious.

DeShawn Stevenson: "I watch gangster flicks and root for the bad guy, turn it off before it end because the bad guy die." -50 Cent. That is how I feel about my boy DeShawn. He is crazy. Insane in the membrane, but he captivates me.


I really fell in love after watching this video, with him and Gilbert betting thousands of dollars against each other in a post-practice 3-point shootout. Gil shot one-handed from college range, D-Steve regular from NBA range. NBA players from every team may do this, but it seems like the Wizards are the only ones who would have it filmed, thanks to Dan Steinberg at the DC Sports Bog and Bullets Forever. I need to make this blog as awesome as those.

Colorado State: When I feel really down about CSU sports I have a few videos I love to watch, especially this one.


And this one:

And I always enjoy Robert Herbert fucking bitches up. Oh what could have been if he didn't steal credit cards.


A little D.A.:


Eric Berry: All I want is Eric Berry to be a Bronco next year. Trade everyone for him, I don't care.





Hockey Fights: Red Wings-Avs, the best rivalry I have ever seen. If I ever meet Darren McCarty I am buying him a drink. Why? So that alcoholic motherfucker falls off the wagon. What a flamboyant cheap pussy. Oh, but what entertainment.

I love Roy kicking Vernon's ass.

This one is good too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0alqGVE9ipg

Joe Sakic's lone fight. "How do you like them apples, Gilmore."


Oh, Phadouche:


Peter Forsberg: Man he was good.


For more Avalanche love, go to Mile High Hockey.

Best Commercial Ever?

Fernando Torres: Just watching this video made me go out and play a few games of FIFA.

The Weekend Sack-Up: This keeps getting better and better...

(No pictures, I am too damn pissed to do that much work)

Am I trapped in a movie? A stupid, slackstick comedy, where I am in the Belly of the Whale stage (Sophomore Core ftw) and I ponder aloud "Could this get any worse?" only to have a piano fall and crush my car or some shit. Because it sure feels like it. It seems like yesterday CSU was killin' it, the Broncos were the tits, the Avs were cherry, the Rocks were epic and the Nuggs were mint (80s slang factor +1). Now, everything smells like taint and I don't want to look. The Nuggets only look good, but even they lost to the shitty LA team. What the fuck?

It is very nice that it is Thanksgiving and I will be with family all week (in lovely Sedona, Arizona) or else it might be wise for one of my readers to alert some mental health experts to check on me (Sedona is actually my aliby, as I will be hunting down both starting quarterbacks in today's game. SHHHH. I've got Marmalard in my sights, he is taunting a child whose balloon popped).  Seriously, shit is falling apart. I don't like it. We will go from worst to somewhat marginal as I grasp for silver linings:

CSU: CSU is so bad we aren't even inventing new ways to lose, we are being lazy and making knockoffs of 2006/07. This weekend's game against New Mexico was a carbon copy of the 2007 loss to New Mexico. Is there hope against Wyoming? I guess, but this Rams team just refuses to win. There are some bright spots for next season, as several young players made some big plays, but if CSU can't find a quarterback by next season it won't matter. Steve Fairchild and this team have gone from the Penthouse to the outhouse in just 8 games, and he better figure some shit out this offseason or he may not make it to year 4. I have been disapointed to be a CSU fan often, it goes with the territory, but this loss makes me embarrased.

Usually I have laid the blame on the fact that CSU was out-manned, but in this game the coaching staff didn't help at all. The staff didn't take a timeout with about 45 seconds left as New Mexico was obviously trying to set up for a field goal, allowing them to run the clock down to 15 seconds. Why not take the timeouts? We ran out of time in that game with one timeout in our pocket. At least it would have made New Mexico run another play, and as we saw against Weber State, sometimes one play can make a huge difference. I advocated a change from Sonny because too often his staff fucked up games like this, and last season this staff was aggressive and found ways to win. This season the team has regressed to the exact same place as 2007. I now wonder if we would have been in a better place by just keeping Sonny and skipping all the drama. This sucks.

The worst was the fact that the Rams could have stolen a win twice, when New Mexico muffed the CSU punt, only to have the lone Lobo in the area steal the ball from about six Rams and when CSU gave up the easiest 4th-and-3 ever on the final drive. Besides Sisson, Oppeneer and sometimes Elijah Blu-Smith, it seems no Rams defenders have the ability to make a big play. Weak. Jon Mosure's fumble was also terribily costly.


Broncos: The only reason this isn't the worst is that this game was fucked up from the start. It was just one of those games where everything that could go wrong, did.

-The Broncos had to start a back-up QB, when our starter isn't even that good.

-That back-up fumbled on his first drop back, killing all our early momentum.

-I am convinced that Knowshon scored before that fumble. He hit the gaurd's knee with the ball, and the guard's knee was in the end zone/on the goal line. Why the NFL doesn't have camera's on both goallines? I have asked this before and I will until it happens. The league makes billions and can't figure this out. This play was so crucial, and yet I saw two angles of it, none which made it very clear.

-Prior to the Broncos lone points, on third down Eddie Royal was held in his route and Merriman dove at an injured Kyle Orton's legs. That should have been two penalties, instead none were called. The Chargers only had one penalty called on them all game (two were nullified by calls on the Broncos as well), while the Broncos had 9. An entire NFL game and only three violations? Dubious, if you ask me.

-The Broncos didn't seem to bring much pressure and I have no clue why. Are we that scared of Phillip River's deep lobs that we won't rush. It was the key to the game last time and we sat back and let him pick us apart.

-The onside kick was baller, minus the Broncos failing to jump on the football. McD realized that it was now or never for the Broncos to grab some momentum and he risked it all. It failed, but I liked the gamble. I would rather get stomped 32-3 and have pulled everything out of the bag than to lose like 20-3 by taking the conventional NFL Head Coach route of deficit moderation.

-I'm really glad I'm not working this week or else I might stab my boss.

In da club: It was a very busy week, but nothing matched last week in the wierd category. Craziest thing was when some girl rubbed/grabbed the butt of one of our Gogo dancers (who may be dating Owen Wilson, if rumors are to be trusted). I usually am cool with girl-on-girl action, but everyone knows you don't touch the dancers. Sadly I was unable to break my choke-hold virginity on a girl, but I did have to escort her out.

Thursday I went into work and was told to post up six feet from a pole with three award winning pole dancers taking turns for about an hour-and-a-half. It really is a tough job. In order not to stare at them I also placed myself so that I could see them in the reflection of a mirror, thus I looked like I was scanning the crowd while I just kept watching. Sometimes I am smart.

Avalanche: Taking a page out of the CSU playbook by blowing leads late in the game. Not good. I want a reason to be able to watch hockey in March and April (or at least complain to Direct TV that I don't have VS). Please get your shit figured out.

-Matty Duchene is starting to score on the reg (/Kenny Powers). This makes me so happy. The kid is fucking awesome and he will be a star sooner rather than later.

Tweet of the week: (follow MessiahThaDon)  A tie this week between QBs traded for each other:

KingNeckbeard: Coach says i'm too drunk to start... What a flaming pile of horseshit! I only got this drunk so my ankle wouldn't hurt fuckface!
NotJayCutler : Watching Chris Simms throw is like watching Mozart paint.


Nuggets: The fucking Clippers? Without the Black Ginger. Fuck me. At least you righted your shit and beat those bitch ass Bulls.

-JR is blowing kisses to the crowd and that makes me happy.

-Birdman may be getting back to decent. I thought we were gonna have to start dolling out the coke to get him all excited again.

Rockies: Guess who is not on the 40-man roster? Yorvit. YEEEEESSSSSS. Sign that motherfucker next September, but until then keep his .200 average and spaghetti arm out of Coors.

Coming up this week:  To counteract all this negativity, I will fill a post of many of the people, websites and videos that make me love sports. Ya know, it is Thanksgiving week. Then a Pregaming edition for Wyoming, which will involve me trying to recount my Border War blackout last year.

Why I can't sleep at night: Random thoughts not really about sports

I get a lot of jokes made/questions asked about my nocturnal patterns (Leonard has dubbed me a vampire). People don't really get why I will stay up past the sunrise doing nonsense instead of dropping off to sleep like a normal person. Obviously my hours bouncing throw me off, but even before I always stayed up way too late, even if I had a dreaded morning class or work in the AM.

Partly it is my biological clock, but mostly it is the fact that I can't shut my brain down at night to fall asleep. Insomnia is kind of a bitch, but to put it in perspective here is a list of things I remember consciously thinking about two nights (mornings?) ago before I could fall asleep (this is just a partial list). Keep in mind I was dead sober for this, so imagine what thoughts run through my head when on any mind-expanding drug, and you can see why I avoid them:

-I start by thinking about Mad Men, which I just watched, and if I would be a cheating asshole like Don Draper, especially if I had that much random ass thrown at me.

-I start panicking about how I am wasting my life by working as a bouncer and staying up so late. I wonder if I would ever find a job I truly enjoy that actually pays. One that isn't NFL wide receiver, which I appear to have missed.

-I start thinking about my plans for the next day, what I have to do, what I want to get done. I get frustrated that every minute without falling asleep means another minute wasted the next day, but I know I can't rush the process.

-I realize I am only 24 and I have six years until I am 30 and really have to make something of myself. I look at how much I have changed in the last six years and realize I have a lot of growth ahead. I laugh at how stupid and awkward I used to be, especially since I am still awkward and stupid.

-I hear my roommate get up for work and I wonder if I could physically do labor at this time in the morning, day after day.

-I think about religion, and what my beliefs were. I thought so long about this I was able to basically come up with a new mission statement: "With all the horrible things carried out in the name of organized religion I find it impossible to follow one and I feel that any sort of rational God would see the enlightenment of a person choosing to live by their own personal moral compass rather than any religion created and moderated by anyone else."

-I begin thinking about death, and what it means and what will happen. I have been asking this question as long as I can remember, fearing the unknown. I literally have to force myself to think about something else or I become enveloped in fear.

-I start thinking about why the Broncos are playing like shit. I get angry at Chrissy Simms (Sports is my escape).

-I decide that I will mock the Chargers fans at work this week, as I can't go into this weekend's game lying down.

-I try to focus on nothing. I clear my mind completely. I see dark holes that come and swallow me up. I cannot physically move, when I try, but I am still somehow awake, aware that I am awake and not sleeping. My eyes twitch involuntarily and my body seems disconnected, yet I still am not asleep.

-A dog barks and I blink, shocking myself back into actual thoughts and anger that I am awake. I wonder if I will ever get to sleep. I imagine the possibility of never sleeping again and I roll over, readjusting my pillows.

-I wonder what is real and if I am maybe always asleep. I realize this is just stupid.

-I try to think about how upset I feel in the morning, as soon as my alarm goes, and I try to recapture that sleepy feeling that makes me hit the snooze button 6 times.

-A few minutes later, I believe, I actually fall asleep. I don't remember what I was thinking about then.

The moral of the story is that no one should wonder anymore why I spend so much time jotting down thoughts on my blog or doing stupid shit til all hours of the morning. I have to clear my mind and really feel dead tired to fall asleep in less than 30 minutes. Any thought unexplored that pops up or that I feel is important I have to sort out, or else it will drive me mad all night. Especially any guilt, fear or nervousness. I could drink until I pass out or take some sleeping medication but I refuse to do so on a consistent basis.

Entering my mind is kind of scary, right?

Sack and Edy discuss the NBA, Part II (finally) [Edy insults aplenty]

I welcome my readers to this preseason, first week semi early in the year NBA preview on Sackrilegious. Again, I welcome Mr. Trevor Edy to discuss the NBA (Remember this Nuggs Preview from about 2 months ago? Neither do I. Blame is on Edy, more on that later). I welcome him like you welcome Jehova's Witnesses into your house. Reminder: he speaks in Italics, because that is the way I imagine his French ancestors spoke. I speak in the noble font you know as normal.

This is a little all over the place, but is that really surprising in any way?  

When life gives you hate, make Haterade.

When prompted to write about the NBA by a friend, recycle jokes from freshman year. Glad you're bringing the A-game.


We need to give Ty Lawson some love: He is quick. Both Edy and I forgot to mention him during our Nuggets preview, and that was inexcusable. Again, I blame AC, whose suckiness melted my brain. A back-up point guard who comes in and changes the pace of the game, but in a good way. Egads! This does work better than a turnover machine.

Something we failed to address in the last post. Ty Lawson is going to have me saying “Is this real life????” (insert kid from dentist video) many times this season. He looks like a cross between Sherron Collins and Mateen Cleaves, but has game like Chris Paul, already. You know what this means, less minutes for AC-eeeeeeeeeee. AC can go take his green hummer and shove it up his ass… from the bench, of course.

Most hated player in the league: LeBron. I really seem to dislike him and the fact that everyone seems to love him. Ginobli is also up here, but the LeBron love gets to me. Guess what? That bitch hasn't won anything yet, but everyone keeps putting him up as the best player ever. He has barely done anything better than Melo and has achieved less than D-Wade. Plus, he is a fucking dick.

Not shaking hands after the loss to the Magic is a total bitch move. You lost to a better TEAM, give them some respect. Don't run off and refuse to talk about it. You want to be the highest paid athlete ever and you constantly appear in TV commercials hawking car insurance or some other dumb shit, annoying the piss out of me, but when things go bad you hide. It doesn't work that way Bron-Bron. You gotta take the good with the bad.

Crab-Dribble, what the fuck are you on? Delonte West even thinks that was stupid. 

Such a bitch. A 6'9" 250-pound man, who, as far as I recall, has never been called for a charge, despite flying to the basket like Brian Dawkins after a receiver. Always bitching about the refs. It makes me sick. I want to be able to cheer for you, being such a freak-of-nature and arguably the most athletic person on the planet, but you are too conceited for me, which is really saying something.  

Two words: Sasha Vujacic. Two more words: Douche Bag. If you don’t agree with me on this, well… fuck you. This guy might as well wear a giant pussy on his face. I can just see him doing an ‘Always’ pad commercial telling women to “have a happy period.” This is not out of the realm of possibility.  

Quick game: Which of these pictures is actually Trevor Edy, and not some douchebag? Answer below. 

Trevor, on Facebook, dubbed me the Sasha Vujacic of his friend's circle. That is the most fucked up thing anyone has ever said to me. Trevor could abort my baby from the womb of Betty Draper and I would not be as upset at him as I am over that slight.

He later recanted a bit, to say that "If my circle of friends was the Lakers, you would be Sasha." Oh, that is so much better. So then I called him the Luke Walton of my friend circle (in Laker terms), and also the Eric Byrnes overall in sports terms. Look at him: the abhorrent whiteness, the former long-flowing bleach blond locks, the fake hustle and, most of all, the shit-talking with absolutely nothing to back it up. If this blog takes some ugly swipes at Edy the rest of the way, remember that he called me Sasha Vagania-cic and you will understand my anger.

Plus, Edy was supposed to have this preview done weeks ago, but he is the biggest slacker since Kwame Brown. He even promised to work on it as a birthday present to me, and then didn't do shit. Cost me two weeks at least on this NBA preview because he "couldn't get his Bill Simmons on." Would the real Trevor Edy please separate stand up?  

Answer: All of the above are Douchebags. You're on thin ice as resident NBA expert, former-pal. 

All right, it is actually Edy in the middle, dressed as Aaron Carter for Halloween. On a related note, Mr. Edy, that is certainly a Man-Code violation. Your Man-Card has been suspended. 

Some good came out of this exchange, however: We decided that our Laker friend, Cartman Molloy, would obviously be Shannon Brown. According to a former Cavs and CSU staffer, Brown was the dumbest person he ever met. He would go on road trips and pack nothing but his warm-ups, meaning he had to wear a robe or jersey for most of the trip. 

Shannon Brown minus the really athleticism part. If the shoe fits. (Quote generated from Edy text messages). 

Favorite non-Nugget: I have Gilbert Arenas. He is my boy. Everything that I would want to be as a player. Quick. Quirky. A hard worker. Deadly jumper. One of the few guys in the league who can be a top-flight scorer and also be among league leaders in assists. He is bawse (/Tommy Joiner).  

Surprise team: Washington Wizards. Arenas is back. I watched some highlights, and that fucker is quick again. He isn't talking crazy shit either. The team has enough depth for anyone in the East, the young guys got time last year. Leadership from Antwan, Tuff Juice and Gil. Flip Saunders is a decent coach and will turn a 19 win team into at least the second round of the playoffs, pushing 50 wins. This is biased because I love the Bullets, but they are due. I think if they match up with the Cavs it is possible they shock them and force Bron out of Cleveland. The East is a crap shoot of overrated teams anyway.

*The Wiz have not really started out gangbusters, so this prediction looks really stupid. But Gil just brought back Agent Zero, and if you have ever watched a movie, you know the montage of winning is just around the corner. Right? 

You know that one girl at the party that you know is going to be either (a) passed out on the couch at the end of the night, (b) end up being part of a “Birmingham Booty Call,”or (c) telling everyone “I’m so classy” as her boob flies out of her tube top. You know one of these three things will happen, you just don’t know when. Just like, you know Arenas is going to get hurt, it might not be tomorrow or next week, but it WILL happen. The team will fold without him, just like they do every year. I think Flip Saunders is a great coach, but he is in a tough position. They have solid players, a good mix of crafty veterans and rising young stars, even have a leading candidate for my NBA first-team all-ugly, Mike Miller… and, uhhh, Sam Cassell (a perennial addition into the all-ugly team) is an Assistant Coach. I’m done here.   

He had knee surgery, it takes a couple years to come back from. It is the same injury as K-Mart, Amare and tons of other guys have had. Two years recovery, brother. Gilbert trained all offseason with Jordan's guy in Chicago. Barring someone rolling into his knee again, he will be fine. If we are going by your analogy, about girls at parties, he is the hot girl at the party who, for whatever stupid reason, ends up hooking up with a douchebag who treats her wrong. She loses confidence, gets out of the dating game for a while, but after some therapy and time to fix her life, she will come back into the game wiser and will make some guy's life (I imagine this is how Rihanna and I will end up together). That analogy was rough, but I still don't understand why I would want to talk on a cell phone that was up some chick's ass. Crazy Kappas. 

However, I think Houston is going to be a major surprise out of the Southwest division. In a recent win at Utah, they had eight guys in double figures. They are really an all around team with a good coach (Rick Adelman). Shane Battier, a guy that this blog has come to admire, was a +36 in the +/- that game. Pretty incredible in a 113-96 win.  

Houston is going to suck my balls. No playoffs. Sorry. T-Mac is their hope and it won't happen. They have bad ju-ju. If you think Gil is the girl about to lose her shit at the party, Houston is the sororstitute that have been drinking since noon, whose sole plan in life is to get pounded by someone cool. We all know how that ends: Mickeys and Blunts, your basement, Ronnie Aguilar and some poor little blond girl. Not a pretty sight, I must say: Houston will have a problem this year. 

No doubt in this category. Have to love OKC. What’s not to love? Kevin Durant is the future of the league. Plus, that Hyperize commercial slays me every time it comes on. 

I wanted you to write a preview ala Bill Simmons, not parrot him. But yeah, OKC really is the best choice. Fuck that Bawstahn fucktahd for stealing all the good talking points. 

Most hated Nuggs opponent that we haven't heard much about (and that you think the team would hate the most): More who we suspect will become a thorn in the Nuggets side. Like Russell Westbrook or OJ Mayo, after his 40 point blow up earlier this year. Like how Scott Hairston hits a bomb against the Rockies every fucking game, but sucks against everyone else. JJ Berrea is kinda like that. I gotta go with Trevor Ariza. Everyone gives Kobe credit, but Ariza was a straight punk last season to the Nuggs, fucking our shit up. He played Melo as well as anyone one-on-one (or as close to it as anyone does, because don't no one guard Melo one-on-one)...

"I don't really think it's possible to have a 'Melo stopper," Anthony said. "No team in the NBA will just let me play one-on-one against them. They just won't do it."

...and he managed to score enough points to piss me off. Now he is a Rocket. Awesome. With him and Battier the Rockets will piss Melo off enough that he might Kufi slap some more fools (ht: Rory). 

Going out on a limb here and saying Luke “Pretty Boy” Walton. He’s already been going back and forth with our man, Renaldo Balkman, in the early stages of the preseason. I see plenty of jawing in the future for these two. Obviously both teams have some beef to settle after last year’s playoff series. This will again be ignited this year. 

I hope to God that Balkman or someone smacks that Grateful Dead loving bitch in the face. If AC does it, he earns a reprieve from my hate. Do it A.C.

Will any NBA player challenge Ron-Ron Artest for Starbury Memorial Award and at what moment and how will Artest derail the Lakers? 1) Depending on what happens with this S-Jack situation, he could do some shit. Iverson could blow up Memphis (called it). T-Mac might injure himself in some creative way, like Houston the rapper/singer.

I think Artest takes a really bad T in close game, blowing a game that was about to be another classic Kobe-comeback. From then on the questions start and his play starts to slack. Either that or he becomes the first guy crazy enough to demand that Kobe get him the ball more, and in turn brawls with Kobe, finishing it by ripping the leg of a courtside table and impaling Kobe through the heart.

Why do I have Cleveland winning the championship this year?? Not Shaq, not LBJ.… Ladies and Gentlemen: Delonte West! He is a first-teamer on the NBA All-Neck Tattoo team. I was having a chat with one of my buddies and we were discussing the connection between stupid shit and neck tattoos. The correlation is uncanny. Guys in the L with neck tattoos: Starbury, Delonte, Kmart, Deshawn Stevenson, etc. (also see the “Uh, this is my one phone call, so don’t hang up” team) All guys who at anytime can be pulled over on his crotch rocket with a loaded shotgun (oops, that already happened) and you wouldn’t bat an eye.  It makes too much sense. And  that’s not even the most outrageous thing that Mr. West has done. Case and point. MR. WEST IS IN THE BUILDING! Anytime your young role player puts out a video like that, you have to know you’re going to be successful this season. …. We can build on this! 

The only thing that would make that video better is if Kanye West inturupted it somehow. "Excuse, Delonte West, but Starbury had the greatest meltdown on a webcam ever." Wow, that is glorious. 

As for Artest: I don’t see him being the defensive stopper he has been in the past. He just doesn’t fit in the Lakeshow system. Not really sure why they went and changed their chemistry to add a guy who has openly had a homophobic boy band love for their star player. “Mr. Mantrum ”will lose control and eventually cost LA an important game at some point. 

Will Blake Griffin ever play a game? Yes, only to rupture his ACL during the jumpball. 

Look for many top 10 plays from Mr. Griffin. Side note: ON PAPER, the Clippers are playoff contender. Baron, Eric Gordon, Al Thorton (whom I love), Kaman, Camby, the list goes on. This is like the dream video game team. Too bad for them, they don’t play the games on an 8.5 x 11. 

That is paper. Mixing your metaphors there young Edy. You also forgot to mention that Dunleavy is the coach. Doomed.  

Will Indiana cut Dauntay Jones before the end of the season? He is not white enough for that franchise. 

After watching just one game in which he played. I now know how the rest of the league felt last year. 

He is quite the dick. Maybe he can still do the Nuggs a favor and get Chris Paul suspended for another nutsack sucker punch.  

Player in the NBA who plays most like yourself:  Yao. I am really tall and have decent coordination for my size, but I should be tougher and I should be able to dominate more than I do. I also make dunking really difficult, when it shouldn't be at my height. Solid range to about 15 feet. Players a few inches shorter that are much quicker can own me. Fortunately, I am not a big pussy who is constantly hurt. Sadly, I am a full foot shorter. 

Andre Miller, excluding the fact he has the personality of a fish, this one is dead on. He’d rather back down a smaller PG, than take a contested 15 footer. A guy who looks to get his teammates involved first. This may cause problems in Portland, however. Both Andre Miller and Brandon Roy need the ball to thrive… only one ball.   

You would pick the whitest black man in the league. I think you play like A.C. You push the ball recklessly, have solid range in close but brick threes, but you hustle all over the place. IF I AM SASHA YOU ARE AC. SUCK ON THAT!   

Song that best desribes your Nuggets outlook this season: Don't Wake Me Up- Ya Boy ft. Knock the Hometown Hero. 

"I started off with them gangsta (people of color) that push and peddle, I Could have robbed some (suckus), could have shot some (Ninjas), but you did it first and look where it got you (sir), we set examples now, ball and watch these hampers pile full of checks, started in the West and world stamped it now, on top of the world, most the time on top of they girl, fuck the assumers, only idiots listen to rumors."

This sounds a lot like Melo, coming up from the hood and now he needs to realize that shit is expected of him. He can be the best in league, or at least he should be. Time to keep it going. Don't get involved in any of that dumb thug shit anymore.

"Sitting on top of the world, if my life's a dream, don't wake me up. I'm in magazines and I'm living it up. I'm on top of the world and I'm blowing up, don't wake me up."

The way the Nuggs played last year and started this season, I am pretty stoked. I don't want them to fall off, I want this to continue. If last season was our dream season, I don't want to see this season turn into a reality where we suck again, and aren't fun to watch.

"Tell them haters to pipe down."

Prognosticators picking us to fall off, fuck them. Only idiots listen to rumors, or Tim Legler.

"I'm on my grind, if you not on my level get left behind, take a look up and see where I'm at (Sitting on top of the world)" 

Other players on the team need to realize that Melo and Chauncey can take them to the top, but they have to step up their level as well. Too much last year, as we choked against the Lakers, it was just Melo and Chauncey, taking on all five Lakers. Odom, Pau, Ariza and even fucktarded Shannon Brown made big plays. No one on the Nuggs stepped up. That needs to change. 

“We Ready” By Archie… I think they are ready this year. They will constantly be the “Nobody believed in us except the guys in this locker room” team.  

Keith Burns thinks this song is very 1999.  

Song that best describes the state of the league: Three blind mice, because of the refs. Get it? 

Anything by LMFAO and that LOL (Smiley Face) song by Trey Songz… ever since athletes have been exposed to twitter they all of a sudden feel obligated to tweet like a 12-year-old girl in a chat room who just received another “300 more hours free” AOL CD in the mail. The NBA: Where LMFAO! and LOL! happens.   

LMFAO is the tits. Don't dog them. But yes, the smiley face song is perfect for the NBA. Every time that comes on in the club I want to strangle the fucking DJ. Edy wins this penultimate section. 

Random Notes: Side note #879 – Our GM came out with this… http://espn.go.com/blog/truehoop/post/_/id/10155/mark-warkentiens-play-in-tournament … This is why we love the Nuggets, among other things.  

Our GM should stick to finding a big man so Nene can play the four. 

Predictions: Trevor/Matt

Eastern Southwest: Miami/Orlando

Central: Cleveland/Cleveland

Atlantic: Boston/Boston

Western Southwest: Houston/San Antonio

Northwest: Denver/Denver

Pacific: Los Angeles Lakers/LA Lakers

Eastern Conference Champ: Cleveland/Boston

Western Conference Champ: LA Lakers/San Antonio

NBA Champs: Cleveland/San Antonio 

Most Valuable Player: Lebron James/Lebron

Rookie of the Year: Brandon Jennings/DeJuan Blair

Defensive Player of the Year: Dwight Howard/Dwight Howard (even if Battier deserves it)

6th Man: Rasheed Wallace/Jason Terry

Most Improved Player: Emeka Okafor/Greg Oden (which big man will suck less)

Surprise Team: Houston/Washington

Surprise Player: Ramon Sessions/Anthony Randolph

Disappointing Team: Dallas/New Orleans